Friday, November 13, 2009


Once I have this hammered out the way I like it I'm going to send it to all the bicycling sites I can find on the web and get heard, since Paul doesn't exactly stand at the center of the average bicyclists’ media universe. It's come to that.

Yeah, I've been here before. There, in fact vvv

I'm gonna go there again.

This past summer was a beautiful one here in the PNW. Absolutely gorgeous. Unbelievably gorgeous. We spent a lot of time out on the road. Travelling was a joy.


Are you a bicyclist? Then you do this or you have done this. Yes, you have. None of you are the magic exception to the following. You all need a goddamn wake-up call because you simply do not comprehend the concrete reality of the following FACTS:

1. On any road, but particularly on the freeway, in a showdown between your 7 lbs of recycled beer cans and my Buick, you are going to lose. Maybe I was driving poorly. Maybe an unforeseen obstacle up ahead caused a sudden, unavoidable hazard. Maybe a strong side wind blew you in front of me. THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE.

Are you in deer country? How about dog, cat, possum, raccoon, skunk and/or squirrel country? Is there blowing trash or dust? Silage? Something being harvested nearby? Is there bad weather? No shoulder? Are there signs that say 'Strong Side Winds Next 5 Miles'? Are there drunk drivers on the road? How about semis? Loaded log trucks? Nigerian cabbies? Finally, are you riding one of those stupid recumbent things?

If the answer to any of these questions is 'yes' then YOUR PLACE IS ON THE SIDE OF THE FUCKING ROAD. STAY OUT OF THE TRAFFIC LANES.

2. In a showdown between your 7 lbs of recycled beer cans and my motorcycle, YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE. Yeah, that never occurred to you did it. It doesn't seem to occur to most of you.

2a. Don't think that simply because we are both on two wheels that you can split a lane with me. You can't and you shouldn't. And there is more at work here than greater mass and power vs. an exhausted vegetarian on a kids' toy. For example, if you come up from the right along beside me, YOU WILL GET BURNT-BADLY- by my exhaust. Chances are I will have sped up to get well ahead of your sweaty ass which is something I do for safety's sake( only one vehicle per lane here, Paco...that’s the law.) Therefore chances are good that I'll never know it happened. Again- this is not because I'm an asshole and don't care, although I am and I don't. It's because I am operating a motorized vehicle in a safe and orderly manner on a system of roads designed for motorized vehicles, and I am already a mile away.

3. You all seem to think that simply because you find yourselves in a rural setting, or at least between major towns and not riding on a multi-lane highway, you can ride all over the goddamn road any which way you want, singly or in large groups, not paying any attention whatsoever, because you are in 18th century fucking France.
This is not France.
This is not the 18th century.
Rural American roadways carry more large motorized commercial vehicles and agricultural implements more of the time than do the major highways. Why? Because actual WORK is being done here, and summertime is the time when most of that work is being done. Summertime does not mean that Pierre hitches up the oxcart and merry peasants go dancing down the road with baskets of cabbage balanced on their heads. It means that local business people fire up the semi, the tractor, the raspberry processor, the silage harvester, the combine, the manure tanks and the hay baler and drive them from one field to the next. They are working against the clock just like any other businessperson. Furthermore, there are special laws that allow agricultural vehicles to use lower-grade, smoky fuels, travel at speeds other than posted, and for underage operators to drive them.


Remember too: they are also subject to the same laws of physics as cars, motorcycles and you-

Tiny frail objects traveling slowly get turned into nasty bloody confetti when their paths cross those of large heavy objects traveling rapidly.

4. If you are operating a bicycle in an urbanized area, particularly where there is on-street parking, stay out of the traffic lane. PERIOD. I don't care what the law says you can and cannot do. In this case any law allowing you into the flow of motorized traffic is a bad one and should be changed for your safety and mine. You simply cannot accelerate as quickly, maintain posted speeds or stop as quickly as a car can. That this statement pisses you off or that you disagree does not in any way take away from its truth. Get over yourself.

4a. DON'T BRING YOUR LITTLE KIDS ON THEIR LITTLE WOBBLY BIKES OUT INTO TRAFFIC WITH YOU. Every single one of you who thinks that they're 'training' their children to ride in town by doing this should be cited for gross child endangerment. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen the following scenarios:

SCENARIO A: Mommy hippie, daddy hippie and three little child hippies are waiting at the corner for the light to change. Once it does, mommy and daddy hippie pedal right off, followed by oldest child. Second child, not wanting to get tangled, waits for the pack to get going before taking off, and struggles to come up to speed, and by now the light is halfway over. Smallest child has been looking at a fire truck and only realizes at the last minute that its time to ride, and drops the bike, then gets back up on the bike and begins to trying to pedal, struggling to get up to speed.
And the light changes.
And smallest child is in the middle of the intersection.

Try and make it through any neighborhood in urban Portland or Seattle and count how many times this happens. Honest to snot. These are probably the same parents that wouldn't dream of giving their children processed sugar or letting them walk alone to school, and yet it seems perfectly OK to let them chance getting squashed by a goddamn ambulance.

SCENARIO B. A giant pack of bicyclists (including a lot of little kids on little bicycles) waits at an intersection for the light to change. The light changes and the ones who aren't deep in conversation or using their cell phones or getting a blowjob take off slowly, trying not to get tangled. Kids drop their bikes, freeze like deer in the headlights, or take off in random directions at random speeds. The rest of the pack straggles off slowly, some riders jumping off halfway to push their bikes, some running into the others, some swerving out into oncoming traffic as they try and go around the cluster-fuck. The whole mess continues to meander across even after the light has changed. Now traffic is backed up. Cars are gunning their engines and honking. Meanwhile more bicyclists hurry to tag themselves on to the last stragglers in the pack, which is now mainly comprised of little kids and assholes. At least one of them (generally an 'adult') flips me off.*


Roads are designed for motorized vehicles.
You, on a bicycle, are not a motorized vehicle.
The moment you go out onto the street you are at a disadvantage and that’s simply a fact. If there are designated bicycle lanes in your town, USE THEM EXCLUSIVELY. Particularly if you are riding with children.
If there are no bicycle lanes, pull you head out of your ass and operate your goddamn bicycle DEFENSIVELY.

*OO. Scary bicyclist. One day, scary bicyclist, you won't be flipping off the lady laughing at your sad antics from inside the Buick. You'll be flipping off an undercover cop, or a delivery truck driver in a hurry, or my buddy Chris, who'll flat stop his car, jump out and beat you into a screaming, crying pulp with a jack handle. He is OUT there. And he doesn't care. You already made him late.


  1. Hee Hee, I love it. You are back...I don't have a bike. Something ain't right about them folk.

  2. Well. Um. Greetings from the Netherlands. I moved up here in September. Me and my... bicycle...



    A pedestrian

  4. Anonymous8:09 PM

    In German cities they are allowed to use one-way-streets in the wrong direction, to overtake on the right side and whatnot. And when you (nearly) run over one of these assholes with their "mountain-bikes" without light in the night they scream that you "could have killed" them. Yeah, as you say it now ... next time buddy!

  5. ***flips off FN***

    *** jams front wheel between MJ's butt cheeks and goes shopping***

    ***waggles sweaty lycra clad ass at FN ***

  6. ooh pet peeve!!!

    Step One and bare minimum;
    Cyclists need to purchase $10 million insurance for their surviving relatives, fill in their organ doner cards, and license their f*cking donorcycle to make using the road an equitable experience.

    Why should motorists subsidize their using the road?

    The whole Green angle is bullsh*t too. Chances are excellent that you're riding a bike because you can't afford a car or you think that you are sticking it to the MAN or both!

    Step two; If the first no-brainer is impossible then make separate bike lanes..and no they cannot share a buslane. No.

    Nations your apt description of the laws of Physics which dictate all of the possible outcomes between a bike/car confrontation are sound and irrefutable.
    On any computer model the bike/victim will lose in 100% of all outcomes.
    There is no mystery to this and it needs to be resolved..why not have a referendum? Let's see how many drivers need the extra aggravation of molly-coddling those accidents waiting for a place to won't be pretty and there will be a majority. If only politicians actually let us initiate and vote for the Laws that govern us.

  7. sweet mother of mercy! i have missed this kinda shit! i am so glad y'all are back blogging! xoxoxo

  8. Bicyclists are embryonic motorcyclists.

    I like to run them over with my Jag when they pull out at road junctions, thus ensuring that there are less leather wearing orange juice drinking homosexualists polluting the landscape.

  9. And DO NOT get into the left turn lane like you are a FUCKING CAR. It makes me want to run your lycra wearing ass over. I hate bicyclists with a passion that burns my stomach and keeps me warm at night.

  10. Anonymous11:33 AM

    We will all be a lot happier once we all wearing our personal protective shields that allows no one to enter our space. Next.

  11. Sing it, girl!

    And while you're at it, get the guys to stop wearing those slinky bike clothes, it really creeps me out for some reason. I don't care how nice it feels on their nipples or whatever, they need to do it in the privacy of their own homes.

    And what MJ said. I really get tired of shouting "It's a sideWALK, not a sideBIKE!" At least with skateboarders I can send them sprawling.

  12. gale: I agree. theres being environmentally conscious and healthy, and then theres deliberately courting suicide every morning in downtown traffic. seems kind of....stupid.

    alala: THEN CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED, chickie. (how you doin?XO!)

    mj: AMEN. and enough with the handlebar dingie dingie bell. this is not 'Pauline at the Beach', assholes.

    mago: one of the many reasons I carry an aluminum baseball bat in the back seat of my Buick.

    beast: I thought a pikie stole your bike? did the pikie return it? or are you just running around in lycra pretending you're a bicyclist now? *resolves to notify beast next of kin, recommend ssra's*

    morningwood: like I said, this is why I carry an an aluminum baseball bat in the back seat of my car. No shit they should have to purchase special insurance; stupid SHOULD hurt!

    savannah: well...there ya go. *blush*

    garfy: this from a man whose national costume is a catholic girls school uniform.

    joy: and then they sit there wobbling around trying to balance on their immobile bicycle like a trained bear act wobbling all over the place, jerking the handlebar back and forth, putting so much effort into showing off their wacky skillz that they INVARIABLY MISS THE LIGHT CHANGE. *twitch begins near left eye*

    anonymous: spoken anonymously like the anonymous owner of a bicycle. well PLAYED.

    fatty: yeah, no shit! and like I wrote before, that stretchyass material is TRANSPARENT in certain lights! and it really really needs to be NOT TRANSPARENT in any lights! they can raise all kinds of moronic hullaballoo about bikina barristas but nobody has a goddamn word to say about all the unsolicited GURNING BICYCLIST ASSHOLE you see all summer long out on the highways!!!!*twitch worsens*

  13. Delphia Strong5:41 AM

    A point I would like to make about your diatribe

    1. Cyclists have chosen an eco-friendly mode of transport - unlike your gas-guzzling Detroit monster. Have you ever considered the damage your doing to the environment? Right now the Polar ice caps are melting at an alarming rate just because people like you need to drive down to the convience store to buy their Thunderbird wine & Reece's Peanut Butter Cups.

    Shame on you.

  14. I have so missed you and will never ride a bicycle (or even buy one on which not to ride) in your honour.

  15. Delphia: Let me put down my Thunderbird here and take a moment to answer you. What exactly does your comment have to do with the main thrust of my post i.e. 'operate your bicycle SAFELY'? You go right ahead and 'save the planet' from the moral heights of your bicycle seat. Have at. Yay for you, Captain Environment. Just don't operate your bicycle in such a manner that I have cause to inadvertantly KILL YOU while I am busy raping the planet from behind the wheel of my Buick, ok? It makes me drop my Reeses.

    Ziggy: you have no worries, chickie. You ride a horse!

  16. Amen, sistah! Oooh, don't get me started. At least the shit-stains up there stop for traffic signals; down here they think they have the right of way at all times and don't have to obey ANY traffic laws. I hate their sorry, smug, enviro-righteousness bullshit with the fire of a thousand suns. Fuck the fuckity-fuck off and your lycra too!

  17. Anonymous8:11 AM

    I never knew how much my hot lycra wearing behind was turning everyone on until I started seeing all these pissed off blog rants. When you see my Adonis like body it just brings out all your homophobic tendencies. Just give in and go find some love tough guys. FN, I've meet a few of your "Chris" types and I am 3-0. Stay in your cars and talk tough, 'cause you'll find the curb is hard when your head bounces off it.

  18. Anon: Well thats dandy. Good for you and your sexy anonymous ass. And your lycra. I'll tell you what, anonymous: all I want here is for you to operate your bicycle safely and defensively. That way you can continue to rattle on about how hard you are and tough love (the fuck?) and homophobia (and as a bi woman you can bet I'm just as homophobic as a big rabid homophobic thing; you betcha! READ THE PROFILE MORON) and whatever else your little heart desires for many, many ill-informed years to come, ok? And doesn't that sound like more fun than dying for some stupid reason like an emergency vehicle clipped you and you got knocked under my front wheels? Sure it does. See? We both win! You get to run your mouth (and possibly find the time to take a critical reading course.) Meanwhile the continued existence of people like you ensures that I have something to jeer on my blog and keeps the comments lounge lively. Try the rumaki!

  19. Ooooh, what was that harsh ripping sound? Apparently Lycra doesn't hold up that well when you're having a new one torn.

    See, that's why I love you. Because your follow-up comments are as brilliant as your posts.

  20. Anonymous3:04 PM

    Critical reading? Let's look at your title FN! Beyond that, I was responding directly to your commentators. Who like most of you swill merchants, get all up in the "sissy cycling" thing. And my response to your threat is to the point. Bring it! You hating swill mongers all talk tough in your cars. Thanks for helping me realize that vehicles and you hard working blue collar farmers can hurt me.

  21. Fatty: don't hate the lycra. see below.

    Anon: Then my job here is done. Go and sin no more, stay the fuck out of the vehicle lane, and realize that you do not have to dress like an extra from 'Roller Boogie' to ride a bicycle. Safely. In the bicycle lane. Out of the flow of traffic. Faggot.

  22. Nazi. Republican. Weeniehead.

  23. This comment has been removed by the author.

  24. stats haven't been this good since I did the post about twat shaving!

  25. Anonymous10:28 AM

    Well I read your profile. You calling me a "faggot"? I would suppose with our orientation preferences that you may be more tolerant? Since surely you have faced 'categorization' due to your world view. But nonetheless, you can't handle the facts of your swill laced diatribe...huh blog. All we (we being: ball sucking fag cyclists with death wishes) need to know is that some cyclist flipped you off and now you are mad. Stop and smell the manure farmer Jane!

  26. I called you a Republican too.

    Just thought I'd point that out.

  27. *drives clown car through proceedings en route to gay rodeo*

    *throws rubber chickens into oncoming traffic*