oh for fucks sake enough of that already.

Instead, lets all take a trip...TO CANADA!

Canada is a lovely country filled to overflowing with scenic wonders and untapped natural resources that the rest of the world, particularly America, really need a lot more than the Canadians do. They're just wasting them. All they do is run around all over the place saying "Whoa, this is really scenic, eh? Gimme a Labatts, eh?" Which is really sucky beer, but not as bad as Buckhorn. Or Kootenai, which really blows goats. I mean, my God....take it from Opie; a dog who knew what good tasting ass was all about

But anyway, its really pretty there. They have elk, caribou and moose. This is why Canadians play hockey, or at least it's a good a reason as any. You can play hockey too! All it is, is whapping a puck with this big wood thing into a goal past a bunch of guys with no teeth. You need a puck, which is a fossilized little biscuitty thing, and a hockey stick, which is a big hitty wood thing.
...Eleanor Roosevelt, center, Toronto Maple Leafs. Eye of the tiger!

Many famous people come from Canada and go on to play a major role on the world stage. In order to reach America and eventual fame,though, they must first cross the fearsome LIONS GATE BRIDGE. Sadly, many hundreds of aspiring comedians, folk singers and comedians each year fail this all-important test.
Yes, you have to click on this. Do it.

...a gauntlet of pain must be run to reach the the shining land of opportunity and poor medical care that is AMERICA.

The Canadian Government is made up of a Parliamentary thing, because they couldn't come up with a better idea so they copied England. Aside from the part where they get to wear wigs, nobody understands Parliament or how it works, so they depend on their King and Queen to sort things out.
...Queen Marge, standing in front of Parliament. 'The first one who leaves gets 5667.89 liters of cold steel right through the brisket!' she proclaims during a recent session.

...George Washington, King of Canada, fights a lone war on crime in the vast wastelands of the Canadian veldt.



People in Canada speak two languages. American, and a made up one they stole from the old kids show 'Zoom'. They say it's French but they just do that to try and sound all cool. It's embarrassing.

"Yobbung bubblack mubbale
ubbI trubby tubboo ebbfect bubby kibbicking thbbuh fubbacts
abbnd stbbacking mubbuch mubbail
I'bbum pabbacking abbuh gabbat cubbuz gubbuys wabbanna jabback
abbnd fubbuck gobbibbin tubboo jabbail
Cubbuz ubbI aibbun't equbbippebbed tubboo stobbop hobbow ubbI lobbok..."
...former rap star Tupac Fitzpatrick Abulbul Emir, 'Yobboung Babblack Mabbale' from his Canadian release "2bbupobbacabbalybbps Nobbow"



COOL THINGS TO SEE AND DO IN CANADA:
Harrison Hot Springs is outrageously cool. There are no Scotsmen. Set ridiculously far from the main highway, Harrison Hot Springs is a small resort town in the middle of the most gorgeous mountain scenery you have ever sceneried. They have a head shop and a place where you can buy expensive chocolates!

White Rock: Another small resort town on the very tippy edge of Canada, White Rock exists for no good reason I can figure out.
...official seal of the city, 'White Rock Says Well Come!"

Basically it's a bunch of Canadians in a good mood all wandering around buying overpriced ice cream, watching hang gliders crash into the overhead powerlines. And you gotta admit it doesn't get much better than that.

Vancouver BC: the most beautiful and interesting city in North America. Period. Also home to the hardest working, most ambitious homeless people in North America. They will flat detail your entire car in the time it takes for the traffic light to change from red to green, give you change for a 50.00, run your credit card, contact your bank and give you a reciept.
Vancouver has the best food, the best entertainment, the best slums, the best business district, farmers market, haunted shit, views, ever'THANG. Plus, you can actually walk up to an actual store IN VANCOUVER IN BROAD DAYLIGHT IN FRONT OF COPS with a storefront that says 'Pot Store! Buy Pot Here! This is the Pot Store Where The Pot is!' and you can buy a big ol' shitload of ganja in that store from real store employees who sell pot. Canada is A CIVILIZED MO'FUKKIN NATION, FOLKS.
...drugs are readily available in Canada to anyone with enough green

Vancouver Art Museum located, sensibly enough,in Vancouver BC.
...note: image shown is much smaller than actual size.
This is a perfect example of everything that is cool and surreal about Canada. They had this lovely old territorial-era building in the middle of town that they wanted to turn into a museum. Problem was, it was too small, plus it was falling apart. So they cored out the interior, braced up the shell, and then hired, I dunno, Frank Gehry or someone, handed him a martini and told him to basically run nuts inside this hollowed-out building. Surprise us. Let's see what ya got, modern boy. What he came up with is an interior which is three times larger than the total exterior footprint of the building.
Plus there's art. You can't have any of it, but it's there.

Canadian Citizens are by and large a lovely group of folks.
...even musicians are welcome in Canada
This is the worst thing that ever happened to me in Canada:
One evening I was stopped at a light in a very, very bad part of Hastings Avenue. I swear to you this had nothing whatsoever to do with the dead prosti
Anyway, while I was stopped there a group of genuinely terrifying, evil looking punk goth meth zombies sauntered across the street just in front of my car. They all turned and looked at me with their freaky dialated eyeballs. And they catcalled me.
You know what they said?
"Yanks, eh? So. Come up to check out Canada, eh?"

This is a true story.