TINY COWS

The road to hell is paved with naked mole rats. Which is in no way germane to the following, although it IS something you should bear in mind.


The thing most people fail to realize is how many of our present environmental and social problems can be traced back to tiny cows.
The North American Tiny Cow, seen here at 3x magnification.



Tiny cows were introduced into this country early in the 1930's in a misguided effort to prevent homosexuality in Midwestern tent caterpillars. Unfortunately no one was ready for the horrible, frenzied miscegenation which ensued, culminating in a tide of nocturnal, winged bovine-insect hybrids. These hordes were ultimately responsible for the Great Blackout of North Dakota.

Hordes of freshly-metamorphosed cow-moth hybrids burst forth, new-born from the canvas enclosures of their attending parent-caterpillars, pausing only to devour them in their lust for nourishment, and, spreading wings still damp with fluids, set out in search of electrical current in order to fuel further unspeakable and unguessed-at growth.
Bloated with electricity, the Tiny cow waits, brooding, pregnant with menace, as internal organs metamorphose into arcane and extranormal variations


Emergency services, such as they were, were called in from seven states to aid the beleaguered Dakotans. Nobody knows how many millions of gallons of DDT were used, but the seething hordes of electricity-loving hybrids were finally drowned out, hunted back to the vast colonial swarms to which they retired to sleep.
Early attempts at one-on-one extermination, although personally satisfying, proved ultimately useless at stemming the spread of Tiny Cows


Many public buildings in the Dakotas remain uninhabitable to this day, filled with the strange, translucent, empty carapaces of millions of tiny cow-moth hybrids, exoskeletons from which the vital ichor has dissolved, which rattle in the sand-filled winds which sweep the barren and dimly-litten midland plains.

Always ravenous, the Tiny Cow should never be approached without the proper safety gear.

Still, small colonies of tiny cows remained. They were commonly discovered huddled in tiny, lowing clusters within the Bakelite housings of the telephones of the day, from which they ventured forth only to rent the use of pedal boats, hoping to blend in with other vacationing cattle.

However, unable to restrain their natural propensity to discard empty beer bottles via the 'burial at sea' method and then lean over and watch them sink, many tiny cows fell overboard and drowned, their tiny bovine carcasses clogging the intake grids of municipal water supply systems and irrigation pumps, the un-cowed pedal boats left to drift on the surface of the water, eerily motionless, cigarettes still burning, sandwiches left uneaten.
Left behind...waiting for a luncheon that never comes


Today the tiny cow is found in all 50 contiguous United States and parts of Lower Mainland Canada. They are more of a nuisance than a threat, having been permanently mutated by repeated applications of DDT into a form incapable of interbreeding with moths.

However, people camping in remote wilderness regions have reported wakening in the night to the unspeakably horrible questing touch of hundreds of tiny cow hooves in the night, searching for ingress, probing the moist, vulnerable orifices of the slumbering, seeking to gently but insistently insinuate their tiny wriggling bodies between the tightly compressed lips of the assailed, who can only cower and hope for the coming of the day.
Infestation begins
Those who have failed to resist are immediately identifiable by their glassy stare and the hundreds of udderlike eruptions on their faces.

Few realize that Tom Waits' music career was tragically cut short by facial udders

At present the only treatment is isolation. Only the National Health Service knows how many formerly normal citizens now live hidden away from public view, forced to lactate anonymously for the common good in huge concrete edifices where they mill and low beneath the eternal flickering of fluorescent overhead lighting, dreading the cold and heartless ministrations of the mechanical milker.
Tammy W., spokeswoman for the Facial Lactation Prevention Council, says "Five thousand visitors to our Nations' parks last year found out the hard way. Facial Udder and Lactation Disorder (FULD) is PREVENTABLE."

guilt meme! UPDATED

Rock Mother has tagged me for a couple of memes now, and I forgot to do them, so when I saw this one on her (excellent) site I janked it.
Sorry I haven't been my usual hyperactive blogging and commenting self, but I've been sick. AGAIN. 24hr. flu bug this time. Lots of BUAAAK! HOOAHGHSPTPPLAT! BUAAARGHAK! and so forth. let me tell you what, I am awfully goddamn tired of being sick all the fucking time. Pfft; same shit, different day. At least it was raining.

So. Meme.
1. PICK OUT A SCAR YOU HAVE, AND EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT IT.
Right across the pit of my throat I have a barely noticeable mark. Of ourse I notice it and to me it looks all bizzarre and sunken and scrotum-y. I had Graves disease and the thyroid gland had to be removed. If you ever want to lose 20 lbs fast, I highly recommend Graves Disease, although otherwise it sucked deep-fried doggie squattos. You get hypersensitive to cold and cannot abide even a slight breeze-it hurts! You itch like blazes. You can't descend even a short staircase because your joints are protesting every inch of the way.
Anyway. The doctor was a plastic surgeon, though, and did a fantastic job. Anyone else but me wouldn't even notice.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Art. Lots of art. Some of my art, some prints, some vintage signs. Can't stand bare walls. Which is kind of counterindicated in a minimalist.


3. WHAT DOES YOUR PHONE LOOK LIKE?
Maroon Princess Landline in the front room and an oldschool Sony multifunction office model in the kitchen. I will not have a cellphone. We have one for travelling during emergencies, and I use it with all the enthusiasm of acondemned person sitting down to a tuna casserole with peas in it.

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Ancient, classical, blues, all blues, Delta blues, jazz, alternative, Deep Blues, anything played by Glenn Gould, project Ars Nova, big band, 60's Motown, soul, R&B.
Nothing yodelly.


5. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE?
My grandson scratching his butt.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
Not. To. Be. Sick. AGAIN. EVER. And there's very goddamn little chance of that since my lungs are toast.


7. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GAY MARRIAGE?
Absolutely. I don't believe in marriage in general, is the thing.


8. WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN?
9:am. Twas a lovely spring morning.

9. ARE YOUR PARENTS STILL TOGETHER?
I have no idea. If they're both alive, and Johnny Walker is still commonly available, probably yes.


10. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
Myself type, and the local news on television in the background. Farm equipment going past, nesting robins.


11. DO YOU GET SCARED OF THE DARK?
Very, very rarely, if I'm tired.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Was a dog. Poor old taterman. I miss my Opie.


13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
Essential oils, please. Patchouli on me...jasmine is also good. There used to be a mens' cologne called 'Chaz' that had the power to make me follow the guy wearing it down the street.
Note: MEN! NEVER WEAR THE SAME AFTERSHAVE AS YOUR PARTNERS' FATHER! Because that's just GROSS.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOUR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Now this is just a goofyass question.


15. DO YOU LIKE PAIN KILLERS?
Oh hell yeah. My all-time favorite is sodium pentathol. Running a close second is whatever they gave me the last time I had my sinuses operated on. Oh my gracious YES. Valium is nice. The opiates, not so much.

16. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
Goodness no. Nothing ventured nothing gained. People love it.

17. FAVE PIZZA TOPPING?
LOTS. With thick red sauce.


18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Nothing - I'm sick as a dog.

19. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
BUSH KEEPS ME IN A CONSTANT STATE OF PISSED. other than that...? probably someone out on the road with a cellphone stuck in their ear.
UPDATE: OK, obviously I read that as 'made ME mad'. Fine. I have germs. Cry me a river. So. Last person I made mad? Probably the Stainless Steel Amazon. When she reads this she'll be pissed off at me AGAIN, making me right, only in the future. Which may be the past by the time she reads this AND by the time you read this too. Which still makes me right.
I realize this isnt' fair, but it's easy.


20. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU?
Yes. Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Although that's probably more of a mental health issue on both our parts.

ECCO GOONYBIRD

...Caption this picture!
This is my grandson, by the way.

Azure Mink Toes Of Revenge

Lest you think I have been sitting on my hine eating bonbons...
Remember this?























Well, not no more it ain't....
















And the carnage continues. Behold what's left of the front yard!























That's all that's left of a ceanothus ('Victoria Blue', a gorgeous cultivar) that went spazmoid this spring and shot up almost to the roof peak...then promptly windburnt and went to hell. I got five years out of it; what the hey. The rest is buddelia 'Black Knight' (and you know damn good and well why I chose that one, don't you kiddies? Besided the fact it's beautiful, I mean.)that beat up the side of the house every time the wind blew, and rosa rugosa 'Frau somethingorother' that decided to come up all over Hells' half acre without permission. Die! Die! Die!

Here's the front bed...tit high in poppy starts and dandelions.

I yarded out most of the big stuff...next comes the digging and cursing portion of our show. The end of my nose is sunburnt, my forearms are bleeding and my shoes are full of grass. Yes, I've been a busy little muk.




Just like certain Yummy Bikers HAVE NOT.
Unless you count stacking the garage slap full of crap and slinging shit all over the floor 'busy'. We are not amused.

Rake? Of course I'll rake.

Tomorrow.

Maybe.

If it doesn't rain.

Locust Purples' Racecar Have Winning Go or Cheat?

Sunshower!
This is the evening sun illuminating a curtain of rain; a small, localized shower up in the foothills just SE of my house.
Down here in the valley there wasn't a drop of rain.










...which might have suggested to another, more motivated person that it was time to get the lawnmower out and, like, mow the lawn while I could still see out my windows.





Which was right when my muse decided it was time to make a collage! I SPRANG INTO ACTION LIKE A BIG SPRINGING ACTIVE THING!








...vital creative ingredients assembled...CHECK! Phone disassembled...CHECK!
(The cheese grater, the margarine and the toaster played no part. And they were sad.)






Colors mixed and swatched and stuck up all over the front room 'because the light changes in there'...CHECK!











Obnoxious handmade papers painted and stuck up where everyone has to glance at them as they walk by...CHECK!









Dining room table trashed, materials left lying around...CHECK!











And in between all this creative activity I actually found a few moments to ride around on the mower. Just to make it look like I, you know, did something.

Fine. Not much of something.

Still.






I mean, Jesus H. Christ on a red bicycle. This is frightening. This shit's SEVEN INCHES TALL.
And I do NOT remember leaving those buckets back there either. I'm afraid to see what's in them.

I might get back to it today.

If I feel like it.


I guess.

back when the women were WOMEN

FOR AWAITING!





I wouldn't go back in time for all the tea in China, and particularly not back to the 40's or the early 50's. But if I could bring back some of the womens' fashion from that time I'd be a happy little clammie indeed.









Yes indeed....Those were the days, my friend.




You simply don't see detail like this any more. And this isn't even a style I particularly like; it's too Chanel. Still, the quality is evident. Some thought went into the weight of the fabric and the choice of the buttons. The tailoring at the waist and hips is wonderful.





This is the kind of thing I still look wonderful in...pure 40's. Back then you could look like a woman. You could have boobs and hips. The front of your dress didn't have to look like it was made to fit Roger Daltrey.





This is just plain cute. It's so cute that I can almost forgive the poky-dotz.

I don't know what she thinks she's going to accomplish with that umbrella. Maybe it shoots out poison gas or muriatic acid or something.









This is cute too. Even the strange little 'pinny' thing. (It has her name on the back, so she can be identified if she falls off her fishing boat.)






I had this outfit. Yes, I did. And at an earlier point in my yoooth I had the dog, too.
I think it would look smashing on Awaiting, don't you? She could go to the sock hop in it and do the Mash Potata all night long!






This is a great dress in a less than great color. I can see it in a grey taffeta.

Kind of looks like a Supervillanness from the TV Batman series, doesn't it? 'In her secret lair hidden deep beneath Gotham city, Hy Gena contemplates her next crime!'

What; you don't keep your assroll on a plinth?







Of course, it's not a perfect world. This is a damn train wreck.

No, I take that back...this is a collision between the Titanic and Skylab.

I love the copy here, too. It's like Monday morning at the brothel or something.
You can tell from the look on her face, Ms. Freakin Green Elf Shorts really aspires to be as experienced a smoker as Ms. Dead Possum Around the Neck, too.
She's her role model. Which I suppose is obvious from more than one viewpoint.

i'm not dead yet

..but i'm working on it.
I am currently battling a riproaring case of plague, something I do on an average of once every three months. Fortunately for me it struck as I was nearing the end of a course of antibiotics so it looks like I may be spared the post-viral bronchial infection. So far. I hope.
At present I am in the final 'cough until you throw up' stage of things.
If this persists I'm going to go buy a package of fudge Oreos tomorrow. If I'm going to be barfing anyway it might as well be cool.

CULTURAL FALLOUT: updated!!

(not to be confused with Cultural Snow, which does not glow and has no detectable aroma)

Well, I done did something with my collection. Parts of it, anyway. I can't help but think of all the fun I could have with these images and a really rooty-zooty graphics program. Images from the 50's and 60's in particular practically beg to be pilloried like this.

Yes, click for bigness. Don't ask too much of these; just getting them to this place almost made my computer burst into flames. Not to mention my brain.








AND LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST.......



...Any of you younger ladies who have any doubts as to the way things used to be for women...? Lose them now.
Feminism exists for a VERY GOOD REASON.
I have a hundred ads just as twisted as this one...and all of them came from magazines your mother or grandmother thought nothing of leaving out on the coffee table. I remember these days. THIS is the kind of shit that used to saturate popular culture. And remember; popular culture is conservative by it's very definition. Extrapolate from that what went on in everyday life, my darlings.
Rant over.
_____________________________________

CONFIDENTIAL FOR TIM FOOTMAN:

pop detrius

I collect paper ephemera...old trash magazines, mainly...but I own a wide variety of things. Old cookbooks, newspapers, tickets, menus, programmes...anything that had a real dynamic look to it, anything that made me smile, I've been grabbing up for years.
Note: the pictures that follow are worth a click to enlarge. They're legible and the detail is pretty good. I just may be getting better at this stuff.


I particularly like to come upon things in less than ideal condition, because then I can savage them up for collages and 'found poetry' (which I maintain I invented years ago but never got credit for.)

Here's the problem: I've organized. I like to organize, and I like to see what kinds of categories my brain has been cooking up while I wasn't aware of it. So fine; I have tons of images from the 20's on up to the early 70's all laid flat in manilla envelopes, separated into categories and labelled.

...But for why?

I look through them every few months and I enjoy them. Then I put them all away again.



This is making me nuts! I am not the sort of person that keeps things around if they aren't useful. This stuff is just accumulating. Pointlessly.

I've framed some and display them...well and good for the few I want to look at for awhile. Others simply appeal to me as whole objects...the age of the paper, the style of the art, the content, the signs of use, the smell.

Archival stabilization is out of the question unless I can do it myself, for cheap. Nothing here is commercially valuable.

Maybe this bothers me more than it should because I grew up with a person who had OCD- the hoarding variation...and I'm really leery of assigning emotional value to objects and owning. I'm in no danger of this stuff taking over, though. The whole collection lives in three suitcases.



Owning these things does make me feel rather 'wealthy'... at least, they seem very 'important' to me. I just really, really like old graphic art, and I really, really like old lowbrow publications. But I don't want to be like Scrooge McDuck in his money vault, fingering my old copies of Movie Mirror and chuckling alone in a room.
gaaaaaah!

Ideas? thoughts, suggestions, me toos...all welcome, y'all.

Here's one bit of trivia I've learned while poling my pirogue through the sloughs of American culture......

1. What popular household product was also marketed as douche?

a. Orange Glo
b. Scope Mouthwash
c. Ipana Toothpaste
d. Neatsfoot Oil
e. Pledge Paste Wax
f. Mop and Glo Floor Wax
g. Pine-Sol
e. Spic-And-Span
f. Mumm

....The answer my friends, is blowin' in the wind. Do you know? I do.
And I have proof. So tune in next time and find out!

A Trip to England which is in europe ( kind of on the side of it)

Maybe if you were going on vacation you might like to go to England. This is about England so that you can read it and know what it's going to be like and not have to be embarrassed because you don't know anything.

PEOPLE
Everyone in England has a title only it's not Mr. or Mrs like here. You have to say either 'Sir' something or other or 'Lady' something or other when you talk to them. They have other ranks too, like duke, earl or lieutenant. You have to bow when you meet somebody.

Everything is fancy. All the clothes are really cool. The men wear wigs, and their clothes look like what like pirates wear, only better and not torn up. The ladies have long dresses made out of silk that cost a million dollars! They have big poofy sleeves and sometimes even real jewels on their clothes for decoration, not fake ones. They can do that if they feel like it. Their houses are full of big paintings, and velvet, and really nice wallpaper, and gold on everything. The people use real silver to eat with. That's why they call it 'silverware'. Ours over here isn't made of silver. It's like chrome or something.

All the people who aren't like a lord or something are peasants. Not like the bird. No, these are like servants and farmers and maids in waiting. They do all the work and everyone else is rich and says 'Oh Jeeves, pour me a cup of tea my good man' and then they just sit and the peasant does it. And the peasants have to clean the house and everything.

Sometimes the rich people are really mean to them but most of them are pretty nice. If they aren't the peasants will have a war and stab pitchforks through them because that's what they have and nobody would suspect them, like, 'Oh, there's a peasant walking down the street with a pitchfork, ho hum'. But they'll stick it right through you. So they have to be nice.

When the kids are little they have to go to these schools where they make everyone wear neckties and the teachers are really mean. They have to live there and not see their parents except for like around Christmas for a really short couple of days. Even if they're not bad. Plus they don't let the boys and the girls even go to the same school. The boys have to be boyfriends with each other until they're old enough to get married, then they get married to one of the girls from the girls schools and then go live in a castle and have children. The maids have to change all the diapers.

Everyone lives in a castle. Except the peasants. They live in cottages. A cottage is a small house and theres hay on the roof because they can't afford shingles.

DANGER IN ENGLAND
Vikings are dangerous. They come from Dutch Holland, which floods all the time. They want to have a new land so they keep invading England a lot. But they still can't live there. Will they win? Nobody knows this question.

Pirates know that England is full of rich people so there are pirates everywhere in these huge ships with sails on them. You have to be really careful. You could be watching one direction, but the pirates can just sail their ships around to the other side of the island and sneak up on your town. Sometimes the pirates have swords but mainly they use cannons that fire grenades and your whole town gets on fire, and all the people run away and then the pirates go in and steal all the stuff that isn't burned up. And then they sail away until they need more stuff.

Way back in olden days there might have been dragons but they all got killed by the knights. I think they were a type of dinosaurs that could breathe fire, but nobody has discovered them yet.

Plus robbers and other crime people.

Varlets are bad. The only steal very small things.

Knaves are dangerous. They steal pie.

WARS
Hitler was really bad and tried to take over England. Then the English guys bombed him and let all the prisoners free and then the war was over!

GOVERNMENT
England has a queen, which is so, so cool. She is the boss of the whole land. Other countries have to have a president. We have a president. The president is boring.

He doesn't go to wars. He has to sit in an office and he can't even look out the window because a whole bunch of reporters would try and take pictures of the inside of his place and then maybe spies could get ahold of them and make plans to sneak in. But he can have a pet, like a dog or a cat.

England has a Queen, which is a lady king, and she rules everyone in the whole country and all the people and makes all the rules for everything.

Everyone has to do what she tells them. And if someone goes against the law, she says 'Off with their heads!' and then they get their heads cut off on this big slicer thing that comes down and whack! and then your heads lying there in like this bowl and blood is shooting out of your neck and it's really sick. But sometimes she could cut off your head too with a sword.
She can. She's the queen.

When there's a war she orders the whole war. All the knights come and fight, and the air force goes over and bombs the other guys until they give up, and the queen says 'OK, this fight is done, we are the winners!'. And the ones that lose have to pay her 1 billions of dollars because they started it. And then they're poor, and the queens says' You have to come be part of my land now!" and they have to.

The queen is top. Next are the prince and the princess, who are the queens little boy and little girl. When she dies one takes over. Then the other one is still a prince or a princess, but they don't get to run anything... just go around and be rich and have carriages and wear diamonds and rubies and gold and emeralds. And they get to wear a crown too. But littler than the queen one.

When someone does something really nice or famous, the queen makes them a knight. She dubs them on the head with her sword (it doesn't even really hurt) They might think she's going to cut their head off but they hae to just be very careful. But she says 'Rise, sir so and so!' (She just makes up a name.) And then they can get away! And they're not dead! And now they have to show up and be a knight if theres a war, but they get to wear armour and have a horse and be rich plus be in parades!

TRANSPORTATION
Only the rich people have cars. Some of the peasants can have trucks. They have doctors, though. Everyone rides horses.

You can take an airplane to get to England, or a big ship, or a submarine. You can't get to it on land.

GROCERIES
Everyone lives on farms. They raise sheep and cows. Probably some vegetables. They have to make their own clothes. You can go to jewelery stores there. They have Inns, which is like a McDonalds only older fashioned . You can have things like soup or stew, and beer, and water.
They know how to make all their own stuff. Even scissors! They can knit and do all sewing. They invented american cheese. They invented pies. Only they put weird stuff like birds and potatoes in them, not the right stuff like apples because they don't know how to do them good. They have olden ways still.

HISTORY OF PILGRIMS
That's why we say 'they live in the old country'. Because we live in the new America country, and so we're the new people, but they stayed behind because there wasn't any more room left on the Mayflower so the pilgrims said they had to stay in the old country and do everything the old way. We get to have electricity and television. But we have a boring president who I don't think even does anything, except be on television. That is the suck part because a queen would be way cooler. She has way cooler clothes and wears a long cape like Superman. Everyone would be proud of her.

So go visit England and be very nice to all the people. It is a nice place; there is a lot of old castles and ruins to see and you can meet royal people too. Have fun!

____________________
(when i was very little my grandmother would tell me stories about the 'olden days'. when she'd get tired of that she'd ask me to tell her a story instead, and give me a subject. between the two of us, cracking up laughing and drawing pictures for illustrations, we came up with some doozies! like this one!)

kentucky fried crow, extra crispy

....Dang. That was a goodie, but unfortunately not an accurate-ie.

Juicy as the story was, it was not true. I got the name Don and Tim mixed up.

Still:
E is still a twat
Tim Imus is a twat too, but a local twat; not a nationally notorious twat like DON IMUS.

E tripped over her tits publically when she hooked up with Tim Imus, which makes me laugh, because 1. I hate her, and 2. it cost her money, which I know frosted the fuck out of her.

thanks to Claire for pointing this out for me!

...and yes, I know, nobody knows what I'm talking about. Fortunately you don't need to feel alone in this, do you. *shuffles off, head hanging*

NEW AND IMPROVED UPDATE OF THE UPDATE: An open letter to Canada

Dear entire nation of Canada:


I would like to apologize for the Minuteman Militia idiots in their pickup trucks parked on our side of Boundary Road with their binoculars and spotting scopes pointed towards your country. 99.99976% of us do not support this movement. We know it is lame. We know they are lame. We are embarrassed.

NOT ALL AMERICANS ARE RIGHT-WING MORONS.
I promise you.

These vigilante antics gives them the illusion of having a set while actually signifying nothing. Come the fall of night they run home to their economy-sized jars of Vaseline and whack off to the Star Spangled Banner, leaving this highly strategic stretch of our international boundary vulnerable to invasion by undercover Al Quaida operatives masquerading as deer, elk and Hereford cattle.

So please, ignore the wingnuts. Everyone else does. Come visit America. It's nice. Lots of the people are nice. Most of the scenery is nice, except for some of the Oregon parts, and the landfills. And Los Angeles.

And hey, if you want to stay, that's all right by me too. The way I see it, you're ALL trespassing illegally on my land as it is, but it's no use my getting all in a bunch about it at this late date.

Love, FirstNations
(genuinely sorry about Colonel Ebey.)

UPDATED UPDATE:
An hour ago we had a pair of paragliders drop into the playing field directly behind our house. Where did they come from? Why, they were dropped from a plane that left Abbotsford Field.
IN CANADA.
And guess who wasn't here to meet them????
Hell, the police didn't even bother to stop. Heard nothing from the Border Patrol. Or the Homeland Security personnel on duty.
NOTHING.
OH MY GOD! That could have been Osama Motherfucking BinLaden! ( and his even more evil twin brother Bananarama VonDamme BinLaden)
I could have spent the rest of my life in a fricken' chador!
I MEAN COME ON NOW IF YOU CAN'T TRUST THE LOCAL REDNECK MILITIA WHO CAN YOU TRUST?????
_____________________________

HERE IT IS....MRS. DANATORS' KILLER GUACAMOLE RECIPE DONE DID!



folks, its FANTASTIC. so much better than the recipe i was using. as i suspected, USING LIME JUICE IS THE KEY. dugong is optional.


my lunch...chips and guac seen here with the all-important seasonings to taste...freshly ground black pepper and Diamond Crystal Kosher Salt. use the best. it's worth it.

You know what? I'm not even going to ask for permission...this recipe needs to be shared with the world. This really is the best guacamole I've ever made.

Mrs. Nator's Killer Guac!

2 ripe avocados (nice and black)
1 lime, juiced
1 jalapeno pepper
1 small onion
½ clove garlic (or whole, depending on your taste)
1 tomato, seeded
Olive oil and salt to taste

maybe a unicorn, maybe a rose, or maybe a satanic infant crawling out of my asscrack.

It is spring, and that means I am looking kinda ofay with my winter moontan, saying to myself 'Self, this shit needs more ink .'

I already have two small blackwork pieces. I eventually want a full left sleeve, all blackwork.
Anyone at this point who is thinking 'Oh my God you're going to ruin yourself' needs to know that I'm 46, OK? 'As Nature becomes less kind Art will take her place'.
Scene 1-
Little Timmy: Mommy, why are that old ladys' nasty boobs hanging out the bottom of her pantlegs?
Mommy: ShhHHH! Don't look! Have one of mommy's Elavil.
Scene 2-
Little Timmy: Mommy, what do the letters 'I S U C K CO C K' on that old ladys' neck spell?" Mommy: "It's another word for love, Timmy. A special kind of love."

...and really, wouldn't we all choose scene 2?
_______________________________________

If I were thinking about getting my first tattoo, I'd be tuning in to the show 'Miami Ink'. You can learn a lot from watching Miami Ink; it's pretty accurate. Ignore the fake staged conflicts and the 'surprise' guest celebs. Watch the work. Watch the shop.

Yes, Ami James (is hotter than a 2$ pistol; I'd like to catch him in the shower one sultry Miami evening after everyone has left the shop and slide to my knees, taking his ) has a dog. No, he shouldn't be letting the damn dog run around in the tattoo shop. Still, as long as it doesn't actually lick the equipment it's probably OK. Ever visit a charming little restaurant that let a charming little cat wander around? Thought nothing of it, did you. Still, I have a problem with that, even though other people don't.

Obviously a tattoo artist needs to be someone who can render a recognizable likeness and who maintains a cleanly workspace. That's elementary. But if there's one thing I've noticed it's that you need to choose whose work you're going to be wearing for the rest of your life by their technique, how they handle the gun, not just the surface quality of their artwork.
God! Nobody talks about this either and yet its so important!

Don't just look at the examples on the walls...look through the artists' portfolios. YOU MUST.
The best portfolio pictures are the ones taken with as much detailed close-up as possible, right after the tattoo has been finished, where you can actually see the needle perforations in the skin. These should be beautiful and even, like the lithography on a dollar bill. It shouldn't look scribbly, or have a lot of places where the skin is torn up like the surface of a fresh abrasion (there will be a few if there's large areas of solid color. It's unavoidable-but you go back and they touch it up for free if they're reputable.) All those torn up areas will translate into places where the ink washes out and leaves a pale spot, or goes in too deep and leaves a blob that will get bigger as time goes by. Look very carefully.

Here's what you do. Pick your design. Then pick an artist. Then ask if anyone in the shop has had any work done by him, and may I see it?

Now, the shop expects this. Tattoos are meant to be seen. Tattooed people want to be looked at, and tattoo artists want their work looked at. This is not going to be a problem for anyone. In fact, you may end up viewing a lot more exposed flesh than you probably expected to see when you got up that morning. We went to a shop in Anacortes where the artists and patrons started just casually hauling out various parts right in front of the main window to show off their work, without worrying that it was next to the busy ferry ramp...it was where the light was best. And for the most part that's how it is. It's art. The fact that it might happen to be decorating a region of the body seldom seen in public, or not very damned attractive to begin with comes secondly to mind. Interesting, huh?

But.

If someone does have a problem, pulls the 'Well, if you're scared...' thing, or takes an attitude, run. Really.
If someone starts making a lot of apologies and excuses for their work, run. Period.

You never want to hear " Oh, I was so totally fucked up when I did that". We have. We left.

Likewise "I did that one before I knew what I was doing." Awwww! I wanted to hold him and pat him! With a sashweight! Poor brave soldier! You just went right ahead making permanent marks on peoples' flesh anyway didn't you? Excellent! So I can expect that very same level of professional consideration now? Great!

Now the only possible exception would be "You don't wanna see that, it's old." That might just be vanity talking, so don't despair. But DO take a look anyway. Old work is EXACTLY what you want to see! I cannot stress that highly enough! You WANT to see how their work ages! Their skill at rendering may well have improved over time, but I'll bet you any money they still handle a gun the same way they did when they started out. Think about it...you use a pencil. Has the way you held it changed much since 4th grade? Probably not, huh. And paper doesn't scream or throw up usually.

An old tattoo will be blurry, and one on a part of the body that is exposed to sunlight might look really blurry. That can't be helped. However, it should still be recognizable, and it should be evenly blurry. There shouldn't be any big blooms. If the detail has closed up, it should all be closed up to the same degree. Black work should be even, and will probably be deep indigo instead of black. Any other color will be faded and weird looking, though, and that's just the way that goes. They say there's new inks out that stay true over time, but I'll believe it when I see it.

Barring that, watch the artist you've chosen work on another client.

If you hear 'Oh, I don't allow people in my workspace, it makes me nervous'
RUN!
That's bullshit.
You allow your clients, your co-workers, and all the buttflakes stuck to your co-workers that fell off their clients to drift on through without a problem in the world. Which is totally OK, too - bacteria aren't real athletic. The difference is that bacteria don't have eyeballs, do they? But the client you spend five hours with your face an inch away from does...and they're watching you. But that's fine, huh? Hmm. Sounds a little...sadistic? Guilty? Pissy? You ain't touching this little muk.

A tattoo artist should not be applying a lot of downward pressure, chopping and grunting and flubbing the skin like they're digging a ditch. Neither should they be scratching and flicking and swiping away with dramatic gestures as though they were Mad Jacques the Artiste either. Grinders give you tattoos that spread and bleed into grotesque blurry blobs. That's because the ink has been pushed through all the skin layers into the meat, where the capillaries and blood spread the colored particles around as time goes by.
Mad Jacques the Artiste will leave you bleeding like you ran nekkid through the briar patch. Your tattoo will have bare patches where the ink was washed away, knots of overly-intense color in strange places, and be covered in long, thin white scars when it heals.

I have seen a whole lot of tattoos, and watched a whole lot of tattoos being done. It's only been within the last 15 years that I've begun to see as many good ones as there are bad ones....ones that still look like something you can recognize after 15 years instead of, say, really bad vitiligo. I attribute this to the fact that there are more tattoos being done by more people who are too young to have profound substance abuse issues, instead of a lot of tattoos being done by a few very dirty, very old drunks with gonorrhea.
Just because it's a stereotype does not make it untrue.

________________________________

Yay! Everything checks out and you decide to get your ink.
After all that, it hurts!
___________________________________________________

...fine. I will boldly go there.
True or False:
Tattoos are an S&M thing, and people who get tattoos do it for the pain.

...? I have no idea.

I think that a lot of people in my generation did get tattoos for that reason. It had that association, and that didn't come from nowhere.

I'm not real familiar with this kind of sexuality or the motivating factors. If anybody out there is, and feels like answering some clueless dumbass questions about it, would they give me a dingle at redace1960@yahoo.com please? I'm serious.

All of the tattoo shops I've ever been in were about as sexy as a hair salon. Or a barbershop. That's a good description of a tattoo parlors' ambiance, in fact; a barber shop, but with a lot of really interesting pictures on the wall. I've never been in a shop where anything I recognized as sexual was going on. (Now I'm wondering if I should be feeling left out. )

I've experienced endurance euphoria, and I've had endorphin rushes-with all the accompanying phenomena - sitting in the chair, so I can imagine what might happen if you were into it and knew what you wanted. And I do know that if the experience didn't hurt, I wouldn't bother. Make of that what you will.

Most of the people I know, including myself, got tattoos for two combined reasons: because they wanted something that would give them a little sinister, and they wanted a permanent, visible 'I am tough' badge. Whether they admit it or not.

Now that's not the politically correct answer, but it's the true one. At least for my generation. The ones that got their tattoos before they knew they could be removed.

how to tell a damn raven from a crow

I am a birdwatcher. Not a rabid one, but enough so that I have two pairs of binocs-one for the car-and have laminated the cover on my Pedersons' Guide.

Living in a rural- suburban setting I don't see a terribly wide variety of birds on a daily basis, but I do see more than your average bear because I know what to look for. Most of the time, though, since I have a life, I am perfectly content to watch the usual suspects...robins, sparrows, seagulls, starlings and crows. And here where I live, ravens.

Every time you mention the word 'raven' you get a kind of a half-second reaction from people like 'Geeze, read Elfquest much?' because people think that 'raven' and 'crow' are synonymous; 'raven' being the more 'Goth' of the two, which means that you are making a lame attempt to try and sound all cool.

'RAVEN' AND 'CROW' ARE TWO DIFFERENT NAMES FOR TWO DIFFERENT BIRDS.

Don't even get me started on 'blackbird.'

Yes, they are black. Yes, they are corvids. Yes, they inhabit overlapping ecological areas and play similar roles therein. Yes, they make 'caw, caw' sounds. Yes, they are right around the same size, within a certain range, and yes, that overlaps too.
So no, it's not something that you can nail at a glance. At least, not in the Pacific Northwest.



But because I love you, here is the secret to telling a crow from a raven:
NOTE THE HONKER ON THAT BIRDIE.
(This is a fantastic picture, by the way.) You see the size and shape of that beak? THAT is the surest way to tell. A raven has a distinct 'Roman nose'...what's known as a 'cornute' beak. It is longer and bigger than a crows'. In contrast to the size of the beak, the dome of the ravens' skull looks disproportionately small.

The second diagnostic point is the shape of the tail in flight.
But see, that wouldn't work with the raven in the picture above there. That photo was taken late in the season. The end of his tailfeathers are all raggedy and worn away by using them as props against rough stones and bark.*
In fresh plumage, his tail will look like this, in flight:
Note- his head is facing towards your right, viewer.
That distinctive tail shape is ABSOLUTELY SPECIFIC to the raven. Notice that the tail is not cut straight across at the end of the fan but meets up at a point in the middle, a point which sticks out further than the sides.

Unless you see the bird in flight, though, it's difficult to make that observation. In rest he holds his tail folded up, so unless you're very close, or he decides to fan his tail and have a scratch, you're out of luck.

And now, in contrast, the common American Crow:

See the beak? More conical, and shorter...more in proportion to the size of the skull dome.
See the end of the tail fan? Straight across in a smooth semicircle. No peak in the middle at all.
THIS IS A CROW.




There are other things that differentiate ravens from crows, but only around 75% of the time... and only on adult birds.

An adult raven runs slightly bigger than a crow, but only just. It is also stockier. If the crow were a track and field man, the raven would be a weightlifter.

A raven does not appear as sleek as a crow. Crows at rest hold their feathers close to their bodies, and they shine like polished obsidian. At rest the raven looks kind of scroungy; uncombed and rough, as though it's just had a good shake and hasn't bothered to rearrange it's feathers nicely. The raven picture above illustrates this quite nicely.

When a raven has somewhere to go across an open space he will flap slowly and steadily in a straight line to get there. Otherwise he spends a lot of time gliding. In a glide the ravens' wing primaries spread wide like fingers, and flip up a little at the ends. The tertiaries come down in a fat semicircle to the body. This is a characteristic of forest canopy birds who make lots of short gliding flights between limbs....more surface plane. Like the shape of a jaybird (forest) wing, as compared to a seagull(soaring, open sea) wing. Crows tend to flap more than glide, and the wing feathers stay closer together. A crow will also play in flight, doing flips and dives and loops and making side trips. Ravens are generally more businesslike.

The feathers on the neck and around the crop area of the raven are raggedy looking, kind of like the bird used gel on them.

Environment:
Anywhere you will see a crow, you can see a raven. But the further up a mountain you go, the more ravens you will see.
Not much help, huh.

Behavior:
A raven is sneaky, and comically so. They cannot resist spying on people in the woods, and you do feel distinctly spied upon, too. They lurk around bent over like Groucho Marks, peering around corners and over limbs. They will gradually become bolder, but not so friendly that they'll strut back and forth unconcernedly for you out in the open like a crow will...if you get too close a raven will crouch and hop away, fluttering off a few paces, and then giving you a kind of reproachful look.

Unless you are dead, a newly born animal, a placenta or a dying salmon, a raven is not aggressive in the least (unless they have a nest nearby but that's like any bird.)

They will methodically go through your shit as soon as your back is turned, or they think it is. And I really mean the 'methodically' part, too. No fear or looking around now...their attention is entirely devoted to the task at hand. If you leave your backpack unattended, they will eventually figure out how to undo the zipper and dump it out. Anything pretty-sparkly that's portable enough for the raven to tug away or fly off with is gone, then. But weirdly enough, they'll fly back later and leave you a rock, or a stick, or a chicken leg or a pine cone or some other thing they've picked up, like a trade. I got a kid's hair barrette once in exchange for the foil from my pack of cigarettes.

They're smart, too. They can open simple latches. I watched one open the door and go right into the back of a camper and have a look around. They can unscrew the shiny button on your cars' door locks if they're on loosely. I've heard stories of them turning on faucets, and flicking the flame on old Ronson-style lever lighters too.

They'll go into your vehicle if the window is down. Right into your tent, too. They'll stick their heads inside your gloves and shoes, check out your sleeping bag and play with the zipper. If you ride a motorcycle and have a spirit bell on it, they love to ding those. Anything shiny and chrome on your vehicle attracts them. They will gaze into the shine, nuzzling and picking gently at the trim or what have you with their beaks and feet.

Now they don't do any of this in a pesty intrusive way; it's not alike a bunch of Gypsy kids selling flowers or monkeys mugging a tourist in Wild Kingdom park. It's more like they're conducting research. They're very serious about the whole thing. It's comical as hell.
All the while, the raven is commenting on everything in an undertone. "Mraw? Pop," he'll say as he picks your cigarettes out of the pack one by one, in a conversational way. If you've ever had a 'talking' cat or dog you know the kind of speaking-type noises I mean. They also vocalize soft clacks and rattles and clatters too, with a hollow sound like tapping on the bottom of a pop cup makes.
Which is not to say that they don't also emit all the usual loud and obnoxious corvid sounds, because they do, but only once they're out of throwing distance and at a much greater volume.

You can hear a raven flying overhead if it's flapping it's wings. This is the coolest thing. It makes a very distinctive, loud WHISH! WHISH! WHISH! sound. Often the bird will be flying quite low, to get a look at you as it makes its leisurely way past, and will comment softly as he goes over. The pair I had nesting next door last year always used to give me a howdy in the evening like this. Of course they left me a strip of dried possum hide on the roof of my pickup truck too, but I think it was just them being neighborly.





*That is a clue to his preferred habitat, too, which is northern and boreal pine forests, riverbanks, gravel bars and mountainous regions. Unless you live in the Pacific Northwest, where they forget all that simple forest shit and hang around downtown, robbing dumpsters, picking up sailors and eating bums.

the 60 mg. of prozac i take might as well get flushed down the crapper

I was just standing here putting together a dish of enchiladas when I was suddenly struck by the thought of just how good the lyrics to theme song of 'The Beverley Hillbillies' would sound if they were set to the tune of "Earache My Eye" by Cheech and Chong:

Come an' lissen to th' story uv a man called Jed..
DAH DU-DUH! DAH DU-DUH! DUNT-DUNT DUHHH!

...Jes a simple country turd, barely kep' his fambly fed!
DAH DU-DUH! DAH DU-DUH! DUNT-DUNT DUHHH!

"...He wuz up one day jest a shootin' at sum food-
DAH DU-DUH! DAH DU-DUH! DUNT-DUNT DUHHH!

...When up from the ground come a bubblin' crude!
DAH DU-DUH! DAH DU-DUH! DUNT-DUNT DUHHH!"


God help me, I do not know why I think of these things.

I cannot have been the first person to have throught of this, right? This has to come from, like, a radio goof tune, or a comedy routine or something, right?

________________________________________


Failing the Blood Test: a play in one act

Scene: 8:00 a.m. Tuesday morning
A lab in Lynden, predictably decorated with dried floral swags and pictures of Jesus. The waiting area is filled with woozy, hungry diabetics reading magazines. Nations is among the group.

Nations is called in and sits down in the phlebotomists' chair.

Nations: I'm a little nervous...the last nurse that tried to take my blood had a lot of difficulty finding a vein.
Nurse: Just relax.
*In pavlovian response to which Nations tightens up like a nuns butthole*
Nurse: *Dabbing at pit of nations elbow with her finger, a puzzled expression on her face* Yes, we've had a lot of complaints about her...huh. Make a fist and relax it a few times for me, would you?
*Nations feebly closes hand several times as puzzled dab-dabbing continues*
Nurse: Ok...um....
*Nations rigidifies into vibrating heap of terror*
Needle: poke
Nations: OW *Jerks, looks away*Nurse: .......whoops...uh-oh. Well, we missed it.
*Nations spasms involuntarily, kind of like PeeWee Herman being assfucked by Mike Tyson might spasm involuntarily*
Nurse: Oh, but look at those nice veins in your hand! Let's use tho-
Nations: OH NO NO NO NO, FUCK GODDAMMIT NO, NOT THE HAND. NO NO NO OH FUCK NO NOT THE HAND.
Murse: Ok, Ok. calm down. Ok.
Nations: *Hyperventilating* Wow. Listen, I'm sorry. I think I'm...
Nurse: Put your head down and breathe. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. Relax. You gotta relax.
*Nations draped over arm of chair feels the world becoming all whooshy and sparkly*
Nurse: ...And then once you feel better you can give me your hand. See those veins sticking up there on your hand? Those are great! Let me-
Nations: NO. *Snatches hand away, experiences horrific, incapacitating episode of pure terror and simultaneously experiences warm, wet moment of stress incontinence*
Nurse: *To receptionist* Um, get her husband. I think she's gonna...
Nations: I think I'm gonna pass out.
Biker: Hey.
Nations: I think I'm gonna- *Dry heaves*
*Nurse, receptionist and Biker dive for wastebasket*
Nations: Hyuurk! Hyuurk! Wow, nothing. Hyuurk! Buraaaaaap!
Biker: Yeah...you fasted. That's why they call it a fasting blood test.
Nations: Hyurk! Huuack! Hyuurk! Buraaap!
Nurse: Do you feel like you're going to faint?
Nations: Probably after I get done puking here.
Biker: .....I think you're done.
Nations: ....Yeah, I think you're right.
*Nations begins to ooze out of chair*
Biker: *Propping her sideways over arm of chair* Don't faint.
Nations: *hearing this at a great distance* I'll try not to.
Nurse: Are you gonna faint?
Nations: Yes.
Nurse: Don't faint.
Nations: Hmmm.
Biker: I'll be out in the waiting area.
Nurse: Just sit here until you think you can walk. Take all the time you need, hon. It's ok. We see this.
Nations: Wow. Um, I think I peed myself a little. Sorry-
Nurse: Can you walk?
Nations: I can't feel my legs so probably no.
Nurse:......Oh. Do you think you can walk yet?
Nations: Not until I can feel my legs.
Nurse: ....Oh. Well let me know when you can walk.
Nations: I think I'm ok now. *slowly rises from chair*
Receptionist: Have a nice day!
________________________________________________________

CONFIDENTIAL FOR AWAITING:

He knows you're single again.

He's already on a plane.

Here he comes, baby.


...Comin' ta GITCHA.

quaint vignettes from my charming rural idyll

Oh, you know what? forget about that. I'm here.

My new furniture is here and it looks GOOD!
Behold the goodness of my new furniture:
this small living room comprises the original cabin-sized house, which was added on to over the years.

my squat...i always think of that old Marantz speaker ad when I sit here


The gladdest moment of my career as a housewife was saying sayo fucking nara to the old stuff. Is this pathetic? I do not care. I genuinely enjoyed watching those disgusting floral atrocities sail off the back of the truck. My only regret? The recycle center frowns on patrons setting things on fire once they are in the crusher.
Oh yes indeed. I am officially a grown woman. My furniture MATCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!
__________________________________________________


I recently pulled the washer and dryer out of my utility room (not nearly as well apointed as Ms. Betty's, I feel certain) and set to work spring cleaning. One job rapidly turned into about seven. Right off the bat the flexible dryer vent just fell apart into a pile of flakes and wires. No problem...I ran in to Lynden and bought a christian one from the hardware store.
Then I dusted and swept and washed down the walls and floor. Noticing I had some wear spots in the paint, I leaped happily like a big happy leaping thing to where I stash the interior paint, under the kitchen sink (I like to touch up the walls every so often. Yes I'm a little obsessed.)Yay! paint! I love paint! I love to paint! I have an excuse to paint!

It had frozen over the winter. Nothing but a gallon-sized chunk of white guck with a bunch of clear crap all floating around on the top of it.
Same story out in the garage. ALL the house paint had frozen over the winter.
I now have five damn gallons of what a few months back was perfectly good paint out waiting to go to the recycle. PLUS I had to trip on back into Lynden and buy a christian gallon from the Do-It center.
Fuckin' buzzkill.
_______________________________________________________

At the end of March the eagles are all laying eggs and hatching young destined to carry on the fine eagle tradition of standing around. Mr. and Ms. Mallard duck have vacated the back yard, and the seasonal lakefront we enjoy here at ranchoFirstNations has gradually receded, allowing the septic drainfield to function more or less normally again. The herons are no longer seen fishing behind the garage...and the swans have gone on to wherever swans go to when they aren't here. Now what we have in droves are starlings, house sparrows and robins.

Unlike their cute little British counterparts, the American robin is a thrush. They leave in the fall so fat and round and full of blueberries that they're just barely aerodynamic. They arrive in February slim from migration and ready to kick ass. The males pick a likely nesting range and suddenly whammo- they're stupid with testosterone.
If only a fraction of this aggression was spent in finding a mate or learning to read we'd be tit deep in robins with magazine subscriptions. But instead the male robin devotes his first week and a half back home to kicking other male robin ass. Any male robin. Including themselves.
It's true. They'll attack their own reflection in a glass window, not once or twice but until they flutter to the the ground and lie on their sides, panting with fatigue. If the neibors cats don't get them at that point, once rested they regain their origional determination to drive away the evil, evil reflection robin and start all over again. We have had them attacking the side mirrors on the truck, chrome car bumpers, and the shiny interior of a coffee can my husband had placed on it's side in the grass.

In comparison the male house sparrow is a mellow little guy. He'll chase another male rival off, but mainly he just perches on shit and chirps.
This sweet song consists of one note emitted with the aid of a battery powered police loud hailer:

CHIRP

about a hundred and fifty six times in succession.
Apparently the female house sparrow finds this impossible to resist. Once she has selected a mate the two of them will spend the rest of the season and on into the early part of the fall raising successive nests full of young, picking at invisible things, and rolling in a frenzied, feathered ball of orgiastic sparrow coitus on my front lawn.

Nature is beautiful.
__________________________________________
...this one's gross.
Last week a former workmate of the Bikers' showed up at the door , pale as a ghost. The police had just released him.
He had gone down to the plant to pick up something he'd left there by accident.
And found his boss-my husband's former boss-lying on the floor in a pool of blood and fluids feebly trying to pull a screwnail out of the top of his head.

Oh yes.

Suicide with a nailgun is a less than optimum method by which to effect ones' own demise, turns out. Particularly if at the last moment you lose the courage of your convictions and your hand wavers.
And particular if the loads are meant to drive a much smaller projectile.

This particular nailgun was loaded with framing gauge nails. Since it was used to assemble pallets out of dunnage, in order to avoid blowing the nails straight on through the wood the percussion strip was the one you're supposed to use with smaller fasteners.
His skull stopped the head from penetrating.
He was awake when they found him. With his hair full of brain matter. Obviously regretting his decision.

Now why this man, in a country that allows private gun ownership, chose to do himself in with a fucking nail gun is a mystery. Also a mystery is why he chose to do himself on the mill floor. That he was trying to do himself is beyond question. The nailgun was still in his other hand, still pointed up underneath his jaw.

On the other hand, the guy who found him is now the plant manager.
You have never seen a guy less enthused about getting a raise.