Yellow Bandicoot Revenge!

I wish there were such a thing as a handbook of do's and don'ts that they'd hand out to teenage boys in health class. It would make life so much simpler for everyone involved. Boys wouldn't have to 'learn' their moves from music videos and girls would never, never again have to hear the words "Is this it? is this it?"


In fact, lets tackle that one first.
But I don't wanna look at it; it's weird.
You have to look at it. It's not bad. It's like, a, one of those funny-shaped things.
What funny shaped things?
One of those vagina things. Now get down there and look. See? Nothings waving. You're going to be sticking you dick in there but you're afraid to look; geeze, what a pup. Are you sure you're old enough to be doing thisAHARAGHRAGH!
...No, no no, I'm sorry, I apologize, that was me. It's a hand puppet, see? The teeth are made of felt. Look. See?



OK. I'll draw a picture:

0-x (note: blogger will not print 'greater' and 'lesser' carats. you see what you can learn here?)

Aim for the dash.




Chapter One: Take the mirror test!

No, put your clothes back on, son. Nobody wants to see that until there's hair on it.

Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. What do you see?

If you see a white boy, take a permanent marker and write this down on the back of your favorite hand right now:

WHITE, BUT NOT BARRY WHITE

You are not nor will you ever, ever be Barry White. *
Never, never attempt to imitate Barry White while you are having sex. Not his voice, not his intonation, not his signature lines. Never never never. Even if you grew up in the middle of Compton. Even if you have an unusually melodious voice. In fact avoid Barry White impersonations for two days prior to and during sexual activity (with another person.)

A grown man doing Barry White impersonations with his mouth full of pubic hair is sad.

A 15 year old boy with three cat hairs on his upper lip doing Barry White impersonations while frantically dabbing his dick all over Hells' half acre wondering where the goddamn hole is, is sad AND hysterically funny.
Laughter isn't the kind of response you're going for here.

Yes, it's true...you will remain that pinky-beige color for the rest of your life. Make friends with this fact. Own it. There are probably lots of women out there who'll find nothing whatsoever off-putting about it.

Mirror test 2: Who Am I?
Come on asshole; you don't know this?

Mirror test 2.a: WHAT IS THE TRUE NATURE OF MY INNER SELF?
See, now, that testiness; that's hormones.

When you see yourself in the mirror, you see an average young person with a more or less normal life. Now of course not everyone has a normal life. Movie stars, for example, don't have normal lives by any stretch of the imagination. Now ask yourself: Are you a movie star?

Yes, it's a silly question and you might laugh. And you should because you don't have a ghost of a chance of becoming one either.
As we all should know by now, life isn't very fair. You have to make up every single thing you say on the spur of the moment; movie stars have people who do that for them...and that means that you're at a distinct disadvantage when you're confronted with something that leaves you completely at a loss for words. Like boobies.

Let's say that you and a group of male buddies are sitting together when the freshman girls' gym class run past.
Any phrase that springs to your mind at this moment IS EXACTLY THE PHRASE YOU SHOULD NEVER USE DURING AN INTIMATE MOMENT. "Time for a milkin', baby, What's up with your nipples, Shake them fuckin' jugs, Don't give yourself a black eye, Looks like a couple of cub scouts wrestling in a pup tent, Oh my God that's the funniest thing I've ever seen I think I'm gonna die, Jesus look at them jiggle, Put on a bra, Wowzer whadda pack a' boobs", and other such phrases ARE NOT THE KIND OF THING ONE SAYS IN AN INTIMATE MOMENT. Not even to that blow up doll you think nobody saw you take out of the New Years Eve party box in the closet.

3. There's no such thing as truth in advertising in the wacky game of romance!

When it all comes down to brass tacks, neither of you rate first prize at this stage in your young lives. Yes, I mean you with the huge zits all over your back, bucko.
Be kind. Tell a white lie. Make a good memory if you can't make a great one. Remember: you have those giant seeping zits all over your back. If she's less than what you'd been lead to believe, don't mention it. IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE YOUNG MAN DON'T MENTION IT.

In fact, you may be surprised to find that the very same rule applies for everything about a young womans' body. There's only one simple rule to remember: If you find yourself less than overwhelmed by the quality on view, NEVER NEVER MENTION IT UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE REAL BAD.

Do you know why? Take this multiple choice quiz:
1. Women are nuts
2. It's not polite to criticize
3. I'm too young to know what the fuck I'm talking about anyway
4. The only naked ladies I've ever seen were represented in two dimensions
5. I'm lucky she got naked at all; I should get down, kiss her feet and thank GOD instead of going waa waa waa like a fuckin' little punkass puke.

Answer:________________________________________________**

3. Take the Sniff test!
Everyone perspires-it's a fact! During this special time in a young mans life you might find that the amount and odor of your perspiration has increased. Many young people find this embarrassing, but relax; a normal part of growing is smelling like the jock strap stuck to the floor in a hard fungus-coated clump that Frankenstein took off and threw behind the laundry hamper.
Vigorous activity produces sweat, and your newly-active apocrine glands provide the odor, something which bacteria and other factors, like being addicted to beef jerky, can add to.
Many young people make the mistake of thinking they can hide these problems with various deodorant and anti-perspirant preparations on the market today. Mot of these young people have to wear helmets and cannot be trusted around pets or swimming pools.

Yes indeed...riding a bike, sports, helping your dad mow the lawn can cause sweat and odor.
SO DOES SEXUAL ACTIVITY.
It's not exempt. Magical cupids do not sprinkle rose petals down softly upon you and your darling as you tenderly encounter one another amid the fragrant pink clouds and baby bunnies. You will sweat. Like a hog. A big hog.
After everything is said and done, though, just get the fuck over yourself; you're a teenage boy. You usually smell like the ass of a bear.
TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE HAVING SEX.


4. Take the Giggle Test!
Sounds like fun, doesn't it? But this might very well be the most important test of all!
When your favorite music video comes on, romantic lighting, clever makeup techniques and vats filled with silicone make up a large part of the magic you're seeing. True, everything looks dreamy when Ussher throws a liplock on the ho in the back seat of his limo, but what's missing from that moment is the long whistling fart that ho just cut against the vinyl seat.

Remember our old friend sweat from #3? Don't play stupid you little gink I know you do. Sweat has a funny way of making even the most romantic moment into something as hilarious and heartbreaking as George Bush attempting to explain....well, just about anything, pretty much.

Lost in the throes of boyhood passion, slapping away desperately at the ass of your beloved like one of those birds that drink out of a water glass that you win at the fair except imagine the bird is real and the glass is full of crack, the rivers of sweat you produce can make you slip and miss your mark. This might be a level of intimate contact that you and your young partner are not ready to experience yet. Of course it might be, and in that case it's called 'Greeking'.
Still, it's best if you do NOT guffaw "Wow, I betcha THAT wuz a surprise, huh!"

As you lie atop your sweetheart thrusting your turgid manhood into what pretty much feels like the right place, flumping and wallowing like an elephant seal battling a life raft and not supporting any of your own weight whatsoever, the excessive sweat you're producing is puddling in her belly button. This can actually cause the two of you to stick together...and come apart suddenly with a romantic blubberous farting sound.
-Don't crack up laughing and fall off the bed.
-DO NOT look down at her and say "Jesus; excuse yourself!" and crack up laughing and fall off the bed.
-And most certainly NEVER, NEVER say "Huh! I don't remember eating that!" and crack up laughing and fall off the bed. Because the floor is where you'll be likely to remain.



___________________________________
*Insert the name of any well-known black gentleman with a distinctive voice here. I use Barry because Barry and I have a history. Is this an Oregon thing? Is there a universe in which it is anything other than sad and lame for a white guy to suddenly go all Galveston and start moaning"uuuuOOOOAAAAAAOOOOYEAH, BAAAAAAAAYBY....AAAAAAAH FEEL THE POWER when he's all whappity-slappin away down yonder?

** Oh please don't tell me you actually had to look here for the answer. Jesus; shoot yourself NOW.