MR. EGYPTIAN PENIS MAN!
Q- Mr. Egyptian Penis Man, how did people come to live in America?
A- Oh, thats easy. America is where everyone from the rest of the world used to send all their dipshits.
You see, it all started with the prehistoric Asians...
The early Europeans were slow to catch on, although the rudiments of the practice were already in place...
Of course, once the Industrial Revolution started and the losers and dipshits started piling up faster than wars and plagues could kill them off, the Europeans re-discovered America and started loading up the boats.
Q- Despite that, America went on to be quite a worldwide social and economic influence during the 20th century. What factors lead to it's current troubled state?
A- Lead consumption.
A- Crap, do you have a library card? Ring ring pick up the clue phone! The Victorian era was the freakin' SHIZNIT!
Everyone in the Victorian Era wore elaborate goggles with multiple lenses. People carried Navy Colts and wore corsets and dressed in leather aviator helmets and fingerless gloves. Plus about 1/3 of the population were vampires! The only downside was that lead contamination was omnipresent, because of the Industrial Revolution, which required lots of lead because it kept the zombies who worked the looms in check. Soon everything contained lead. Common household products like medicines, cosmetics and cleaning agents contained lead. The post-combustive exhausts produced by dirigibles, patent autoperipatetikoticons and armoured land leviathans filled the air with lead-laced smog. Fish taken from waters polluted by those same early industrial wastes were high in lead, and when troops ran out of conventional ammunition during the Great Zombie Uprising of 1843, those same fish were used as bullets by villagers . Un-spent cod and bream 'rounds' dropped by panicked troops were devoured by starving children left orphaned by the fighting.
This brings us to the Dutch.
Earlier in their history the fun-loving Dutch had dealt with the problem of excess pee-babies and asscabbages in a haphazard manner.
Solving the Vegan Problem Haphazardly, Amsterdam c. 1500
But all that changed during the Dutch Waffle Famine of 1755:
Insufficient dietary fiber leads to rampant grouchiness, poor millenary choices, and Calvinism: Solving the Vegan Problem, Amsterdam c. 1723
And so it was that one small boy found himself chained in the hold of a dirigible bound for the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave...one small, seemingly insignifigant boy, young in appearance but already ancient in the ways of evil......
Q- Oh no! What happened then, Mr. Egyptian Penis man?
A- Wait another couple of weeks and I might tell you.
TO BE CONTINUED