Thursday, January 06, 2011

Exotic ball comments, Asian Pee

Yes, it's time. Long since time, in fact. What is it time for? It is time to discuss why so many Americans are so poopy, is what time it is. And who better to ask than that sage of the sands, the pimp daddy of the prognosticators....


Q- Mr. Egyptian Penis Man, how did people come to live in America?

A- Oh, thats easy. America is where everyone from the rest of the world used to send all their dipshits.

You see, it all started with the prehistoric Asians...

The early Europeans were slow to catch on, although the rudiments of the practice were already in place...
Of course, once the Industrial Revolution started and the losers and dipshits started piling up faster than wars and plagues could kill them off, the Europeans re-discovered America and started loading up the boats.

Q- Despite that, America went on to be quite a worldwide social and economic influence during the 20th century. What factors lead to it's current troubled state?

A- Lead consumption.

....Seriously. It started during the Victorian Era.

The Victorian Era: Sixty-four years of wacky hijinks and madcap hilarity

Q- What was the Victorian era?

A- Crap, do you have a library card? Ring ring pick up the clue phone! The Victorian era was the freakin' SHIZNIT!

Everyone in the Victorian Era wore elaborate goggles with multiple lenses. People carried Navy Colts and wore corsets and dressed in leather aviator helmets and fingerless gloves. Plus about 1/3 of the population were vampires! The only downside was that lead contamination was omnipresent, because of the Industrial Revolution, which required lots of lead because it kept the zombies who worked the looms in check. Soon everything contained lead. Common household products like medicines, cosmetics and cleaning agents contained lead. The post-combustive exhausts produced by dirigibles, patent autoperipatetikoticons and armoured land leviathans filled the air with lead-laced smog. Fish taken from waters polluted by those same early industrial wastes were high in lead, and when troops ran out of conventional ammunition during the Great Zombie Uprising of 1843, those same fish were used as bullets by villagers . Un-spent cod and bream 'rounds' dropped by panicked troops were devoured by starving children left orphaned by the fighting.

This brings us to the Dutch.

Lumpy, un-circumcised and feelin' the breeze: If you ain't Dutch, you ain't much

Earlier in their history the fun-loving Dutch had dealt with the problem of excess pee-babies and asscabbages in a haphazard manner.

Solving the Vegan Problem Haphazardly, Amsterdam c. 1500

But all that changed during the Dutch Waffle Famine of 1755:

Insufficient dietary fiber leads to rampant grouchiness, poor millenary choices, and Calvinism: Solving the Vegan Problem, Amsterdam c. 1723

And so it was that one small boy found himself chained in the hold of a dirigible bound for the Land of the Free and the Home of the small, seemingly insignifigant boy, young in appearance but already ancient in the ways of evil......

Q- Oh no! What happened then, Mr. Egyptian Penis man?

A- Wait another couple of weeks and I might tell you.


Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Not my words, but I wish they were.

From me, and from all of us living in random conservative pockets of social wilderness still grimly holding the line, I thank you humbly, Dan Savage, for the following stark, wonderful words. Mr. Savage, you and your family can come have dinner at my place any time. Just call first and let me know if y'all have any food allergies.

IN YOUR IMAGE (article originally printed in The Stranger)

Oct. 14, 2010

"...I heard an interview with you about your It Gets Better campaign. I was saddened and frustrated with your comments regarding people of faith and their perpetuation of bullying. As someone who loves the Lord and does not support gay marriage, I can honestly say I was heartbroken to hear about the young man who took his own life.

If your message is that we should not judge people based on their sexual preference, how do you justify judging entire groups of people for any other reason (including their faith)? There is no part of me that took any pleasure in what happened to that young man.

To that end, to imply that I would somehow encourage my children to mock, hurt, or intimidate another person for any reason is completely unfounded and offensive. Being a follower of Christ is, above all things, a recognition that we are all imperfect, fallible, and in desperate need of a savior. We cannot believe that we are better or more worthy than other people.

Please consider your viewpoint, and please be more careful with your words in the future.


(Mr. Savage replies:)

I'm sorry your feelings were hurt by my comments.

No, wait. I'm not. Gay kids are dying. So let's try to keep things in perspective: Fuck your feelings.

A question: Do you "support" atheist marriage? Interfaith marriage? Divorce and remarriage? All are legal, all go against Christian and/or traditional ideas about marriage, and yet there's no "Christian" movement to deny marriage rights to atheists or people marrying outside their respective faiths or people divorcing and remarrying. Why the hell not?

Sorry, L.R., but so long as you support the denial of marriage rights to same-sex couples, it's clear that you do believe that some people—straight people—are "better or more worthy" than others.

And—sorry—but you are partly responsible for the bullying and physical violence being visited on vulnerable LGBT children. The kids of people who see gay people as sinful or damaged or disordered and unworthy of full civil equality—even if those people strive to express their bigotry in the politest possible way (at least when they happen to be addressing a gay person)—learn to see gay people as sinful, damaged, disordered, and unworthy. And while there may not be any gay adults or couples where you live, or at your church, or in your workplace, I promise you that there are gay and lesbian children in your schools. And while you can only attack gays and lesbians at the ballot box, nice and impersonally, your children have the option of attacking actual gays and lesbians, in person, in real time.

Real gay and lesbian children. Not political abstractions, not "sinners." Gay and lesbian children.

Try to keep up: The dehumanizing bigotries that fall from the lips of "faithful Christians," and the lies about us that vomit out from the pulpits of churches that "faithful Christians" drag their kids to on Sundays, give your children license to verbally abuse, humiliate, and condemn the gay children they encounter at school. And many of your children—having listened to Mom and Dad talk about how gay marriage is a threat to family and how gay sex makes their magic sky friend Jesus cry—feel justified in physically abusing the LGBT children they encounter in their schools. You don't have to explicitly "encourage [your] children to mock, hurt, or intimidate" queer kids. Your encouragement—along with your hatred and fear—is implicit. It's here, it's clear, and we're seeing the fruits of it: dead children.

Oh, and those same dehumanizing bigotries that fill your straight children with hate? They fill your gay children with suicidal despair. And you have the nerve to ask me to be more careful with my words?

Did that hurt to hear? Good. But it couldn't have hurt nearly as much as what was said and done to Asher Brown and Justin Aaberg and Billy Lucas and Cody Barker and Seth Walsh—day in, day out for years—at schools filled with bigoted little monsters created not in the image of a loving God, but in the image of the hateful and false "followers of Christ" they call Mom and Dad.


For more, go here. Go now.