Saturday, November 29, 2008

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

Didja miss me? Didja huh? Huh didja?

I was visiting my son in Oregon and it was supposed to be a surprise because it was his birthday. That's why I never mentioned it here. Then once I was there I remembered that Oregon is a very primitive and backward place; there was no Internet access and we had to club our food over the head with big rocks and start fires with flint and tinder and associated boolsheet, so I continued to not mention the fact that I was going to be away, and I already WAS away so there was that to consider too. Then a couple of days later it was Thanksgiving, so I figured 'what the hey' and decided to stick around for that. Then it was Black Friday. Tell you what, I just flat hid out from that action. So yeah, then it was Saturday, and there was a Mythbusters marathon on television, and obviously I was going to stick around for that, right; but Heineman still refused to drop goddamn trou for a bitch which seriously harshed my holiday mellow, so I figured 'what the fuck' and took it back on the road, and here I am.

Not counting side trips, I drove 660 miles this past week all by myself. Now, by 'all by myself' I mean that I was the only one in the car, you see; just me, a duffle bag, and a cooler full of human corneas. OH MY GOD! Can you believe it? Unaccompanied! Alone! By myself! JUST LIKE A REAL GROWNUP LADY!!!!

Yes, despite what some people fervently believe, I successfully performed the highly advanced, complex tasks of using a map and driving a fucking Buick. And the strangest thing happened: for the first time in I cannot tell you how many years, I took an extended car trip during which NOTHING UNUSUAL, UNSAFE OR LAME HAPPENED. I went there; I came back. Coincidence? PSHAW I say. Actually I said 'pft, yeah, right'.

Here are some of the things that did not happen:

Nobody grudgingly 'allowed' me to drive.

Nobody second-guessed every single fucking thing did. It was almost incomprehensible. The silence was eerie. I just decided to, you know, do something, and then I, you know, did it, and-steady now - IT TURNED OUT OK. WITHOUT ANYONE BULLYRAGGING ME FOR FIVE SOLID MINUTES BEFORE AND AFTER THE FACT COMING UP WITH 'BETTER' ALTERNATIVES.

Nobody gasped and clutched the armrest every time something wildly unusual like, say, changing lanes or going around a corner happened- AND THEN DENIED IT.

I was the only person watching the gas gauge and- guess what? My car did not run out of gas! Why? Because I never let the gauge run below half a tank. Unlike some people. I was ON FIRE. I was OUT OF CONTROL. GOD WILL SOMEONE STOP THE WACKY NUTTINESS AND MADCAP HIJINX?

Nobody insisted on doing the entire run in one fell swoop and got overtired and fell into a glazed state of road hypnosis and crossed the center line a shitload of times or nearly sideswiped random vehicles or ran over onto the rumble strips a hundred times or slowed down to 30mph repeatedly and DENIED IT.

I could actually HEAR THE RADIO.

...and while I was hearing the radio? NOBODY LISTENED TO GERIATRIC CRAPASS TOP 40 MUSIC ON THE RADIO. Why? Because I didn't play geriatric crapass top 40 music on the radio. AND WHAT I DID PLAY I PLAYED LOUD ENOUGH TO FUCKING HEAR.

OK fine, loud enough for people in other cars to hear too.

OK FINE loud enough for people in other states to hear too. Which was actually a very altruistic gesture on my part considering all the folks out there who have crappy taste in music. *Ahem*

The car did not develop any kind of worrisome mystery noise signaling immanent mechanical failure and subsequent bankruptcy due to huge repair costs. Not that I would have heard it; but then again if something were going to fail catastrophically I think I might have gotten the hint during the actual event. That event did not occur. Conclusion: I forgot what my point was.

Nobody kept the window on their side wide freaking open in subarctic temps and then bitched and whined like a whiny bitch when asked to close it because FROST WAS GATHERING ON THE INSIDE OF THE GLASS.


Yes, none of those things happened. None. I drove on a major interstate highway, crossed one state line, went through three major cities during peak hour all by my little lonesome self, without anyone 'helping' me; completely and totally engulfed in a solitary state of car drivingness.

How did I manage this? I must have; I dunno, prepared for it somehow. Got enough sleep. Looked up my route. All that complicated strategy 'Art of War' type stuff.

Yes, now that I have tasted the raw power of the open road I will never relinquish control. From this moment on resistance is futile. I am driving. 'You can take our cheese, but you can never take our freedom' will be my new motto. Or maybe 'This is Spartaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa' which I like better because it lends itself to being yelled out a car window doing 90,and you get to brandish a short sword and be topless. You know what, just fuck it; give me the keys.