Thursday, January 15, 2009

Spotlight on: FRANCONIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Perhaps some day you might like to take a nice trip someplace. You could go to FRANCONIA!

Franconia is located in the land. It is near Europe, French, and Dutch Holland. You can only reach it if you take three boats, and then you have to rent a car. Here is a map:

Fact: French Fries aren't really French. They are potatoes.

Danger in Franconia:

Wolves are a very dangerous part of life in Franconia. Nobody likes them. If you have a chicken, or some sheep? Wolves will eat them. Plus things that are made out of meat, like kids.

Pie is dangerous.

Fire. It can burn stuff.

Mean dogs. Everyone has to beware of mean dogs in Franconia.

One day the Spain people had a fight with the Franconia people! "We will fight you!" they said. They were sneaky. They dressed up in the disguises of baseball players, clowns, and waiters, and sergeants, and they got in their car and snuck in! They were very rude to everyone.

The Franconia people were sad.

But one day a new hero appeared across the land... Super Franconia Man!

...actual unretouched photograph

Nobody knew who he was, but he could fly! And he had a chainsaw! He chased the Spain people and made them give back all the stuff they took, and it was all greasy. The Franconia people said "Why did you make our stuff all greasy?" And they said "Oh, get your mom to wash it for you." And so Franconia had a new freedom!!!

Here are some Franconia facts:

The Flag of Franconia is pine scented.

The official Franconia mascot is the pileated womb ferret.
...actual size

Franconians like to have a spoon or two around the house.

Children in Franconia learn Klingon and Esperanto in addition to their regular classwork.

The national Anthem of Franconia is "Hey, Franconia, You are a Land"

In Franconia, no one can hear you scream.

So when you go to Franconia, you will be very happy, and your family will too! They have stores, and cheese, and television. Remember to always flush and wash your hands. You are a representative of your country, and you wouldn't want people to think that country was Canada.

Meanwhile, I will be in Oregon doing secret Oregon things that you can't know about. Maybe when I come back I will tell you all about what happened there. But not now. I haven't done them yet.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Yellow Mouse Has A Mysterious Secret

As we travel down lifes' highway we all have times of doubt...

...of worry...

...of not knowing which way to turn...

...of having reached one of lifes' crossroads in a Volkswagen with faulty brakes, and got in a huge flaming wreck with a busload of nuns and mexican wrestling personalities...

Yes, when times get to be too much, and you wish you had a friend...

...someone to trust,

...someone to provide counsel and a shoulder to lean on during this difficult time...

you need someone like Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude.

....thats him.

Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude is standing by right now waiting for your questions. Ask Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude about any concern you may, love, money or what lies beyond the veil, none of these things are hidden from Mr. Egyptian Penis dude. He can help. Let him help now.

FACT: Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude has devoted his life to the service of others. Many consider him uniquely qualified to service others. Gifted, even.

Anyone may approach Mr. Egyptian Penis dude with a question. Here we see Mr. Yen Shi Baby asking Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude for his sage advice.

Seeker: Please can you tell me if i will ever-

EPM: Blah blah blah blah yes, fine, sure, I know, I know already. I'm psychic. I know. Please God, I know. Seriously.

Seeker: But can you tell me-

EPM: Would you like to meet my twin brother? We get in fights all the time. Watch us fight. Watch.



EPM: OK now I have defeated my evil brother! I can answer now.

Seeker: Ok, Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude, I'm ready to receive your wisdom!

EPM:....OK. Are you sure?

Seeker: Yes.

EPM: Are you sure you're

Seeker: ...

EPM: Are you
really really super-allidocious top secret ready?