Saturday, December 13, 2008

What is your unusual talent?

hey kats and kittens! two new ones up at UJ!!!!!

I was up at 4am for some unfathomable reason this morning. That is a crappy hour to be awake on a winter morning, and particularly when you're all by yourself. I was lonely for some company, so I proceeded to try and roust the Yummy Biker. Since he sleeps in a separate room that is kept at arctic temperatures (you can literally see your breath in there; it's that cold) I wasn't tempted to go in and jump up and down on the bed. What I did was, I just wandered around and sang songs.

'Born Free' is an annoying song anyway, but it's really annoying when you kind of holler it like a tard.

'Granny's in the Cellar'* is a favorite of mine from my days at summer camp.

'Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road"....always sure to raise a boil.

Another perennial fave is 'Tiptoe Through the Tulips' sung in the character of Tiny Tim. I cleared my throat and warbled the first stanza, and was gratified to hear distinct waking-up sounds coming from the direction of the Bikers' room.

Then, Tiny Tim in mind, I suddenly remembered my special talent.

A certain very specific set of circumstances have to be met before I can express this skill: I have to be very well hydrated, I have to have taken decongestants an hour earlier, and I have to have just swallowed a glass of milk. But when these conditions are met, I can, at will, open my mouth, throw back my shoulders, take out a chair, and channel the spirit voice of BILLIE BURKE:

"Cooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome ooooout, come oooooout, where EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER you aaaaaaaaaaaaaaare,
and seeeeeee the young laaaaaadeeeeee who

Imagine this delivered full voice in a bizarre, fluttering tremelo, using a falsetto that makes dogs howl in pain.

Good morning, darling! Aw, did I wake you up?



...Granny's in the cellar, oh lordy can't you smell her, making biscuits on her fucked up dirty her eye there is a matter that keeps dripping in the batter, and she whistles as the -(here you rustle up a wad of phlegm and go) *SNUUUUUUUURK*-runs down her noooooose!
DOWN her nooooooooose,
DOWN her noooooooose,
yes she whistles as the *SNURRRRRK* runs down her nose!"

Monday, December 08, 2008


One again I'm opening up the floodgates of mayhem and asking YOU to give me YOUR REQUESTS!!'ll never really know whats possible around here until you ask

Got a subject you've always wanted me to write about but have yet to see here? Well how do you know I haven't already? HIT THE GODDAMN ARCHIVES YOU LAZY

...I mean, REQUEST that sapsucker!! Remember: If you repress things like that they only cause all kinds of problems later anyway.
...people who do NOT make requests make baby jesus CRY.

Would you like some suggestions? Because I can come up with suggestions, yo. Believe you me, there is nothing wrong whatsoever with my ability to come up with ideas for things to do on this blog, kats and kittens.
...bald pussy? check!!

One idea I've had is, I've always wanted to do an interview with one of you. Or have one of you interview me. Another idea I've had is NO NO NO screw it now come on see, you thought you could trick me into doing this WHOLE THING for you like that. That won't work here. I'm on to you.