I was up at 4am for some unfathomable reason this morning. That is a crappy hour to be awake on a winter morning, and particularly when you're all by yourself. I was lonely for some company, so I proceeded to try and roust the Yummy Biker. Since he sleeps in a separate room that is kept at arctic temperatures (you can literally see your breath in there; it's that cold) I wasn't tempted to go in and jump up and down on the bed. What I did was, I just wandered around and sang songs.
'Born Free' is an annoying song anyway, but it's really annoying when you kind of holler it like a tard.
'Granny's in the Cellar'* is a favorite of mine from my days at summer camp.
'Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road"....always sure to raise a boil.
Another perennial fave is 'Tiptoe Through the Tulips' sung in the character of Tiny Tim. I cleared my throat and warbled the first stanza, and was gratified to hear distinct waking-up sounds coming from the direction of the Bikers' room.
Then, Tiny Tim in mind, I suddenly remembered my special talent.
A certain very specific set of circumstances have to be met before I can express this skill: I have to be very well hydrated, I have to have taken decongestants an hour earlier, and I have to have just swallowed a glass of milk. But when these conditions are met, I can, at will, open my mouth, throw back my shoulders, take out a chair, and channel the spirit voice of BILLIE BURKE:
"Cooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome ooooout, come oooooout, where EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER you aaaaaaaaaaaaaaare,
and seeeeeee the young laaaaaadeeeeee who
Imagine this delivered full voice in a bizarre, fluttering tremelo, using a falsetto that makes dogs howl in pain.
Good morning, darling! Aw, did I wake you up?
...Granny's in the cellar, oh lordy can't you smell her, making biscuits on her fucked up dirty stoooooooove...in her eye there is a matter that keeps dripping in the batter, and she whistles as the -(here you rustle up a wad of phlegm and go) *SNUUUUUUUURK*-runs down her noooooose!
DOWN her nooooooooose,
DOWN her noooooooose,
yes she whistles as the *SNURRRRRK* runs down her nose!"