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I was up at 4am for some unfathomable reason this morning. That is a crappy hour to be awake on a winter morning, and particularly when you're all by yourself. I was lonely for some company, so I proceeded to try and roust the Yummy Biker. Since he sleeps in a separate room that is kept at arctic temperatures (you can literally see your breath in there; it's that cold) I wasn't tempted to go in and jump up and down on the bed. What I did was, I just wandered around and sang songs.
'Born Free' is an annoying song anyway, but it's really annoying when you kind of holler it like a tard.
'Granny's in the Cellar'* is a favorite of mine from my days at summer camp.
'Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road"....always sure to raise a boil.
Another perennial fave is 'Tiptoe Through the Tulips' sung in the character of Tiny Tim. I cleared my throat and warbled the first stanza, and was gratified to hear distinct waking-up sounds coming from the direction of the Bikers' room.
Then, Tiny Tim in mind, I suddenly remembered my special talent.
A certain very specific set of circumstances have to be met before I can express this skill: I have to be very well hydrated, I have to have taken decongestants an hour earlier, and I have to have just swallowed a glass of milk. But when these conditions are met, I can, at will, open my mouth, throw back my shoulders, take out a chair, and channel the spirit voice of BILLIE BURKE:
"Cooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome ooooout, come oooooout, where EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER you aaaaaaaaaaaaaaare,
and seeeeeee the young laaaaaadeeeeee who
fellllllll
frooooom
aaaaaaaa
staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!"
Imagine this delivered full voice in a bizarre, fluttering tremelo, using a falsetto that makes dogs howl in pain.
Good morning, darling! Aw, did I wake you up?
WHATS YOUR UNUSUAL SKILL?
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*"Oooooooooh,
...Granny's in the cellar, oh lordy can't you smell her, making biscuits on her fucked up dirty stoooooooove...in her eye there is a matter that keeps dripping in the batter, and she whistles as the -(here you rustle up a wad of phlegm and go) *SNUUUUUUUURK*-runs down her noooooose!
DOWN her nooooooooose,
DOWN her noooooooose,
yes she whistles as the *SNURRRRRK* runs down her nose!"
And yet, obnoxious as all of those songs are, you saw fit twenty years ago to teach them to a preschooler. An obnoxious one. I bet everyone loved you for that.
ReplyDeleteThat and Dad teaching me Riders on the Storm.
Tiny Tim at 4AM is a deliciously cruel thing to do...:)
ReplyDeleteI can bellydance and do scientific experiments at the same time...does that count?
The one thing I am infamous for in my family is my burping ability.
ReplyDeleteI have a double jointed thumb and I do a very good Mick Jagger impersonation (when drunk).
ReplyDeleteI don't even have any usual talents, let alone unusual.
ReplyDeleteEVERYONE: Y'all are killing me here.
ReplyDeleteFN...you are the only person i have ever met who also knew the song dead skunk in the middle of the road...i don't if there are any other words to it at this point but god we used to have fun singing it to dad till he would bop us on the head to shut up...lol...
ReplyDeletemy talent is that i can make conversation with anyone...anyplace...anytime...if i choose...it usually pisses off whoever is with me at the time i choose...and it doesn't matter if the person is talking to themselves and completely out of their ever loving mind...they will stop and talk with me...
...unusual talent...
ReplyDeleteI cannot roll a quarter using my abdominal muscles.
But I like to pretend I am playing the piano when I am transcribing. I even find myself humming along and ending the sentence with an arm waving flourish and an artistic toss of my fabulous hair.
I also make up my own English lyrics to opera when I am driving alone, I prefer Puccinni.
Retro
Hey! I learned Grandma's in the Cellar at Camp Howard in my dark and distant childhood too. We're like sisters, we are!
ReplyDeleteI can fart the national anthem , Which is probably treasonous :-)
ReplyDeleteI'll comment later.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to be under stinky Beast.
Thats not what you said last night sweetie
ReplyDelete*flings flaming uterus at Beast*
ReplyDeleteI can do Carol Channing singing Hello Dolly -- and I know all the words to every song in West Side Story and Oklahoma. ONe more -- I can identify any Brady Bunch episode within seconds.
ReplyDeleteI can blow air out of my eyes.
ReplyDeleteI can shut up and listen.
ReplyDeleteGeez, when drunk I can do all kinds of amazing things too. And I too know the words - 'stinkin' to high heaven'
ReplyDeleteBut mainly I feel sorry for the Biker. Not very nice of you to wake him like that when there are so many other ways to get him up.
daisy: thats a good talent to have, actually. particularly in your line of work!
ReplyDeleteretro: oh, ive heard about that trick you do with a peso after you've had a few Jack and Cokes, lady.
dangerPanda: the words 'fucked-up' and 'dirty' arent part of the original lyrics, though, are they. somehow thats how i remember them.
beast: 'flight of the bumblebee' is not the british national anthem.
mj: hey, the british rollergirls association gave him a three star rating. you're being overly picky.
beast: ah.
mj: you know there are special pants you can buy to keep that think in place, right? good gravy MARIE woman.
mutha: OH CARROL CHANNING! thats so cool! it makes up for the Brady thing, too!
xul: i knew a kid back in jr. hi who could do that, but just with the left eye. he could blow bubbles with it too, and put out a match flame. he would take a drink of water, hold it in his mouth, plug his nose and try to blow it, and water would come squirting out in a stream from the corner of that eye. as you can tell it made quite an impression on me. *hands Xul a glass of koolaid and waits outside the bathroom door* G'head.
mago: and YOU WIN THE UNUSUAL TALENT AWARD!!! be careful; i might whip out my famous story of 'bernie the boilsucker' on ya. and nobody wants that.
Boilsucker? Öööh ... Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Bernie Boilsucker, yeahyeah Iknowtheguy ...
ReplyDeleteI have to go and prepare chihuahua now.
I have the ability to whistle so loud it even hurts my ears. Comes in very handy when some cocksucker is showing you their member in a laundromat. Scares the "firm" right outta them!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I can quote the movie Fargo pretty much verbatim. Same for Princess Bride. (Big Daddy D hates when I do that).
I have been known to burst into song myself - my version of "We'll Gather Lilacs in the Spring Again" has moved people to tears
ReplyDeleteI can ruin any recipe!
ReplyDeletejoeVegas: you snooked in under the wire there!
ReplyDeleteany thoughts like the ones you hint at so delicately are instantly dashed not two steps into the sub-arctic meat locker he calls a bedroom, particularly when the wind chill is -20f. note also that the bedroom in question is insulated only with wadded up newspapers from 1902.
mago: chihuahua-the other white meat. (that references an advertising tagline here and is hysterically funny.)
joy: whistling would be my next to last impulse while being flashed in a laundromat. i was flashed in an Arby's once. i didn't whistle then, either. huh.
froberatly:
We'll gather lilacs in the spring again,
And walk together down an endless lane,
Until our hearts have learned to sing again,
When you come home once more.
ziggi: and yet you manage to remain fed somehow. i suspect you are in fact a gourmet chef...in fact, i expose you as PAUL PRUDHOMME! FOR SHAME, CHUBBY CAJUN MAN! GO SIT IN THE CORNER! AND NO MAKING FACES!
I have no unusual talents, but Pirate can play tunes with his farts while he's taking his first pee of the day. I always wake up with a smile on my face. And an aroma in my nostrils...
ReplyDelete