|A message from the Assembly of God, Sumas, WA. |
(Note the Heefalump Dumpaloon showing a coy half-moon, stage left.)
I just took the last harvest off my blueberry bushes and made jam! My kitchen smells wonderful, and because I was forced to do so many, many 'taste tests', my teeth and tongue are almost black, just like my stony wizened little heart. Anyway, I was standing there stirring the simmering berries, sipping a Pepsi, when suddenly I had an aneurysm.
No no! Having laugh my face, silly persons!
I had an inspiration.
What's one of the ingredients in cola? Cinnamon. That, and various types of sugar. Things you'd add to blueberry jam anyway. In it went. Out came awesome.
RECIPE: BLUEBERRY JAM 'WHITE TRASH'
It's sisterfuckin' good!
-Maybe about 4 or 5 cups by volume of extremely ripe blueberries, washed and picked over
-Two 12 oz. cans of Pepsi
-extra sugar or fructose depending on how tart your blueberries run
...see, the idea here is to use the Pepsi instead of sugar water to cook the blueberries in. Otay? Otay.
Follow these instructions exactly or the Blueberry police will tase the shit out of you and you'll wake up alone in Blueberry jail with Mr. Zucchini for a cellie :
Dump blueberries in saucepan
Dump Pepsi on blueberries
Mash blueberries. A hand mixer works rully rully good for this. (NOT a bamix.)
Simmer for 45 minutes, stirring to prevent scorching.
Now youse place a fine wire strainer over a bowl and force this mixture through the wires, or use a mouli with a fine screen. Save the juice, dump the squeezed-out glop down the front of your underpants. Or discard it like a normal person. I'm assuming my usual readership here, though.
Check the result and adjust seasonings as necessary. Right here you could pour the juice back in the saucepan and reduce it further if you think that's necessary Picky Smith. Actually I did, plus I added more sugar too. Um.
Dump into a clean glass jar, let it cool, then tighten down the lid and put in the 'fridge. It will set by itself without the need to add pectin.
I already posted up a picture of my first ripe tomato of the year, but what the hell; I'll post it up here too:
|...and my! What an attractive tattoo!|
RECIPE: 'SUN-DRIED' TOMATOES FLOATING AROUND IN OLIVE OIL IN A JAR
Use them in dressings, use them in sauces, wear them like a hat; I don't care.
Tomatoes, washed, stemmed, cut into chunks
Equipment de tomateuille of submergeurine oui oui:
Clean jar with lid
Food dehydrator, or a very sunny, hot location and a fan
Dry tomatoes until they are still pliable...'leathery going toward potato chip' rather than 'gross warm mush'. Dump them in the jar, dump the olive oil in on top of them, put the lid on and then take it out in the sunshine and photograph it in front of some flowers.
Still reading? Oh good. This next recipe is really complicated and requires special tools and presumes access to stuff that you probably don't have access to, which will make you cry and cry so hard all like 'WAAAAAAAAAA' and I'll ignore you.
Awhile back I decided to try and make some loose incense, because I have too much spare time and a food dehydrator. Now a word needs to be said here about food dehydrators. Yes, AGAIN:
Those cheapo dehydrators you see for sale in, say, Wal-Mart or Target, they only work for things like a handful of oregano leaves. These ones are the ones I'm talking about: