Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Mauve Squirrel Delivers Seven Forks!

It pains me to have to break it to you but honestly, my kids are SO MUCH COOLER than your kids.

..no, I don't wanna hear it. Truthfully. I don't. There is no way that your kids could possibly be cooler than my kids. It would be both retarded and terribly sad of you to try and compete by telling me sad, lame little tales of purportedly 'kewl' things your kids have done. Seriously. Unless your kid is Stephen Hawking.
...please don't tell me you actually BOUGHT that wheelchair routine.

1. My daughter has a degree. A non-traditional degree. My daughter is a fricken' STRUCTURAL ENGINEER.
I must also point out that she is COOL engineer. She does NOT eat with her mouth open or pick her nose in public. Neither does she collect boogers in a pill bottle or wipe earwax in a big streak on the bathroom wall. No. She is the Dana Scully of engineers....gorgeous, bitchy, mean to parasitic aliens, and MUCH smarter than your daughter.
How cool of an engineer, you ask in a high, piping little whimper?


Now all right. Just stop. Drop what you're doing, now, and stop. Fall down on your knees and thank whatever God you own that you have LIVED TO WITNESS THE EXTRAORDINARY COOLNESS OF MY DAUGHTER.

Do they pay your sad, tepid little daughter to set shit on fire?
They do not. They pay her to sew buttholes on Care Bears.

My daughter knows how to THINK.
FURTHERMORE, my daughter knows pretty much everything about contemporary world politics. More, in fact, than Condoleeza Rice; plus she has a better jawline and would not be caught dead in no stinkin' Dior knockoff pink boucle' jacket. My daughter could kick her ass. In fact my daughter SHOULD kick her ass. My daughter, basically, could straighten the fuck out of this country, square away the national budget AND hand-sew a Log Cabin quilt at the same time.
...the Holy Infant of Prague agrees: "That SSA is A-OK!
incidentally this thing
really is full of Chambourd."

In fact-and this has become a problem in recent months-Martha Stewart calls my daughter up and begs her for crafting advice.
Sometimes, Martha cries. It is tragic.

This is because my daughter has great taste. AWESOME taste. The editors of Dwell magazine duck down and hide when my daughter drives past because they know that her taste is so well respected that she could huck like half a melted vanilla ice cream cone at them or like a part of a burger with mustard hanging out and maybe a pickle? And drive away and the cops wouldn't do anything to her.
If I need a second opinion? I go to her. I say "What is this ol bullshit type of situation going on ?" and she give it to me STRAIGHT UP.

...my daughter is cooler than THIS DOG. and this dog, my friends, has an AFRO.

This is an informed woman. You want to know some stuff? Forget it. She knows it already.
Give up. Go home. Go ask your daughter 'Why can't you be more like the SSA? I am so ashamed to know you. No I will not make you a peanut butter sandwich."

You see, my daughter is not merely a gorgeous, international super-smart person, she can also COOK some food. Hell yes. She can just go in the kitchen and as soon as that stove goes on, pilots abandon DEA helicopters to parachute down and eat dinner at her house. Astronauts abandon their missions and drop out the sky for a sanwidge. All the time this happens.

Meanwhile your cut rate ol' daughter is looking at the jar of peanut butter and the table knife and back at the peanut butter and her lower lip is beginning to tremble.

Too many moving parts.

2. My son is SO MUCH COOLER than your so-called sons which are make the laughing so much my face!! HA I say toward your sons!

The dude apprenticed at Full Sail.
Please try and understand. The man is a brewmaster. He knows about HOPS. He makes beer. In fact he just whups up a batch of beer WHENEVER HE FEELS LIKE IT. Just for something to do. Good beer. Rockin' ass beer.
...this is what YOUR son drinks. they put an umbrella in it for him.

Your son cannot make beer. Your son cannot make Koolaid. He doesn't even know the words to the Koolaid song.*

My son has a degree.
My son has a degree in AGRICULTURE.
That's right friends and neighbors. He actually scammed a paying job with benefits GROWING PLANTS.
Oh my God! How can you stand the humiliation of living on the same planet as this man, knowing that your progeny are so inferior? Here is how it is. And this will be difficult but pull on your big kid uns and deal with it, because it's like this:

He could have been paid to make beer, or paid to garden.

Please. The coolness is blinding me here. Frost is forming. This is like minus 40-below coolness here.
God it must suck to be you.

Does your son grow stuff? Pfft. Moss under his balls, maybe.
...this is what YOUR son wore last Halloween. he told people he was a radio telescope.

Yes, I'm afraid YOUR SON is a dork.
Feel my pity. *snoooork* Waves and waves of extreme pity rolling your way like the vast moon-driven breakers on a tempestuous berg-strewn arctic sea full of narwhals with big pointy things sticking up out of their heads going 'Woooooo' like they do.
Thats right.

As if this were not extreme liquid nitrogenlike coolness enow, my son was a RODEO RIDER. Mercy yes. Testify: He subdued WILD IRRITABLE ANIMALS in a WESTERN SETTING is what I am trying to convey to you here, motherfucker.
Oh yes.

Cows taunt your son.

son carries a big paper bag in his car so that whenever he has to go by some cows he can put it over his head so that he does not have to endure their cruel mockery. You ever wondered about that big paper sack he carries in his Gremlin? Now you know.

...this is the wallpaper on your sons computer. do you know why? because cows hacked your sons computer. and now he can't get it to go away.

You really have to ask yourself why you even bothered to procreate. Lotta wasted effort, wasn't it. And now you have nothing to show for it but some stained sheets, crushing debt and a broken heart.

My DNA has prevailed.
Look on my kids, ye mighty, and despair.

* " Oh yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah-"
...thats it. those are the lyrics. thats how the Koolaid song goes.
you see how incredibly sad and lame your son is? return him and get your money back; and if the fly problem in your home ramps back up use it to buy a frog. don't even bother to give it a name.

Ecotopian Hippie Rant!

Nature is good.

It is also bigger than you, so it is incumbent upon you to learn about it, rather than for it to bend to your will....because your shit will get smacked down if you try it that way; witness the 20th century for examples of that. The life of the earth is going to prevail no matter what we as humans do to try and subdue it. If it goes, it all goes. Us along with it. We will peter out to one long, gradual whine that trails off into silence and the stars will still turn overhead and the sun will still shine on whatever dust is left.

We are animals on the Earth and we are meant to live here. The natural world is not an inimical force to be defeated. We are part of it. And it is GOOD to be a part of it. Living so removed from the life of the earth that you have to make a special arrangement to see a cow being milked is not only pathetic, its not healthy, or good for your psyche or any other part of you. I mean this seriously. It is genuinely bad for people, for their minds, for their physical selves and emotional selves, to live a completely technological, urbanized, civilized existence. Cities and technology are not our habitat.

The simple proof of that is this: You take any healthy organism and you make it live in an unnatural environment where all of its functions are subverted, redirected or completely forbidden and you destroy all the higher functioning of that organism.

You turn it into LIVESTOCK.

Do you pride yourself on being the 'compleat urbanite'?

Congratulations. Say 'baaaaaaa'.

When people live that way, they begin to go crazy, and I mean crazy as a group, too.

I'm completely serious here. This is why I had to get out of the city. It was like I gradually woke up and realized that I was in the nightmare. I gradually became aware of a fundamental, basic wrongness all around me, like a heavy, hopeless fog weighing down on everything, driving everyone to their knees. I realized that it was because I was, in essence, living in the jaws of a trap... in a place where I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO maintain a standard of living apart from the prosthesis; the money economy, the city, the androcentric system.

That is simply not how we are meant to live on this planet. It just isn't.

Not that I'm all off the grid here, or that I'd even want to be. (Fine, 'now'. I used to hold that as an ideal, but as age has overtaken me I really appreciate things like electricity and indoor plumbing.) Still, if there were a way to exist off the grid and not live in a state of squalor and constant mindless labor, then I'd do it. I don't believe humans are meant to be slaves to the natural environment any more than I think they should be slaves to technology. I do think that we've completely missed many opportunities where we could have developed ways to use the world as a tool instead of a weapon to dominate others. And so I try, in my limited way, to live a kind of life that works in some kind of harmony with the natural world, that keeps me free and keeps my neighbors free as well. This is how I have to live. This is how I'm doing my revolution.

Industrialized society isn't all shit. Still, I am hoping that industrialized society is a kind of a really, really bad puberty that we are going through as a species. There are going to be lots of fuck-ups and irreparable mistakes but eventually, maybe in centuries from now, we will outgrow it; learn how to do things in a more rational, less destructive way, and actually mature as a species. Thats my hope. I don't think it's too pie in the sky, either....after all, we no longer have to run around naked stealing dead shit from hyenas, or sacrifice humans to ensure that spring comes again. We've actually made SOME progress. We have science-basic observation, experiment, repetition and documentation, to thank for it...which we thought up on our own lonesomes, I might add.

Truthfully, I think that the biggest leap ahead will come once we outgrow the need for magic and organized religion, and leave them behind like the crude broken tools that they are. We'll all move ahead to a better place as a people. I really do believe that.

Until then I will probably have a lot of extra pumpkins and garlic and beans and stuff this year, so if you want some stop on by.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

UPDATED: This is pretty much how my entire life has been, too.

So I woke up this morning, and I looked over, and there was a starling perched on the shade of my bedside lamp looking at me.

And now sparrows are flying in the kitchen door and landing on my head.

Yes, a sparrow just came in, while I was bent over the sink doing a nasal irrigation with salt water, no less?
And landed on my head.

I can't even irrigate my damn nose without birds watching me now.

(My daughter claims that they are in little bird film school and they're doing a little bird documentary on me.)

Simply excellent.