THIS WORKS BEST IF YOU SCROLL INSTEAD OF PAGE, BY THE WAY.
KEEP GOING AND YOU'RE GONNA SEE SOME GERIATRIC BEEF BAZOOKA.
IF THAT KIND OF THING OFFENDS YOU DON'T COME CRYING TO ME, ARGENTINA.
YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.
HERE COMES THE BEEF:
...HOO YEAH I GOT YER BEEF RIGHT HERE LADS OOPS I MEAN LAYDEES SORRY IT'S THE DRINK TALKIN
He appeared like a case of the flu ...
....completely without warning, smelling of vomit and Irish cheese, and just in time to ruin the weekend. "Here I brought you a gift, no need to thank me, it was cheap on sale up at the duty free, I shoplifted it anyway," he announced, tossing me a t-shirt.
...a gift from abroad to a broad
He staggered through the doorway dragging a tattered garbage bag. "Don't start crying or anything, I know you love it, you're welcome, now break out the speerits, make mine a double and none of your shite Jack Daniels, I want the good stuff, maybe that Wall Street or Publickers, yeah, it made the Superfunds list it must be good. Fry us a piece of stale bread and some watery potatoes too while yer up, the filth up at the border probed my manhole for three hours looking for Bin Laden, my arsegrapes are screaming, you know how that raises an appetite" he continued. "Godless darkies they were too, you know the kind, always jabberin and fingering up your private areas like, breed like rabbits too, try wearin a love glove ya filthy fuckers" trailed after him as he wandered through the house opening closets and looking inside the cupboards. "Don't go out of your way for me, I don't want to be a bother Ill just take your bed, don't bother changin the sheets i'll only piss'em up once I've passed out," he called, as he wandered out the back door, tripped over the dog, fell off the porch and landed facedown in the back yard.
After I'd shoved his 'baggage' into the utility room I noticed my dog playing with something that had fallen from one of the bags:
...'it's for tunin' yer bagpipes' claimed knudson . 'that is providin yer a laydee an you have a set, no ha ha not bollocks that would be disgusting no I mean a twat'
The next morning he had disappeared, and all that gave evidence to his presence the night before was a dead spot in the lawn and the panicked bleating of the neighbors sheep. I was relaxing with a cup of coffee when a knock sounded at my front door.
"We've got a bit of a situation with your grandfather down at the park," he said. "Would you come with me?"
The officer handed me a picture that had been taken by a surveillance camera earlier that morning:
"Not even close. My grandfather had a smaller nose, for one thing," I said. 'Ew, by the way. "
"That's officer Fitzpatrick," he explained, "The other one's claiming he's your grandfather."
We arrived to find a crowd had gathered in the street outside the public toilets.
"One of our undercover officers is holding him. He's over there by the ladies room door," said the cop. "Please try to talk some sense into him."
Knudson was unhappy. " He took my hat and threw it in a tree! Plus he made me do dirty unnatural things with the biffy wand and he used me like a French hooer , just like King Henry II's soldiers done to my poor old father in the Crimean war, of course he loved it the filthy bugger, " explained Knudson.
After I made him give the officer back his wallet they returned his hat and released him to me. I took him home. He smelled even worse than he had when he'd arrived, and he got angry when I turned the hose on him in the back yard. I got a big laugh out of the way he skipped and yelped when I hit him with the 'jet' setting though. I'm sure that cornea will reattach on it's own.
Once he was clean(er) I sent him into the utility room and locked the door behind him.
Several hours later I heard what seemed to be singing coming from that direction. I knocked, got no response, and went in.
...'pretty and witty and wOOOOON-DERFULLLLLLLLLLL -Augh dammit woman can't a man enjoy the feel of a sensuous garment in peace? your couch is feckin ugly too, oh by the way lend me a chilled stick of margarine would you, the back door is squeakin if you catch my drift; of course bacon grease will do in a pinch, ha ha you see what I did there oh I'm a card I am.
Out of consideration for my guest's modesty I shut the door, went outside and beat the shit out of the neighbor's car with a pitching wedge. Just because.
I heard a tumultuous splashing coming from the bathroom around 11: pm, but I put my pillow over my head and ignored it, simply grateful he'd remembered he was in a first world nation with indoor plumbing.
The next morning I found this:
I knocked on his door. "I'm busy now, can ya come back in about five minutes no make that ten I'm a little dehydrated' he said.
"I just want to know why the toilet is full of rainbow trout," I said.
"You Yanks are all ignorant, that's how we keep em fresh back home," he replied."I found em down at the creek, I heard the truck drivers hang out under the bridge there so I went down to get a knobber, I mean I was having a wee nature walk, they were just laying there on the bank stoopid fish, I think they were asleep" I heard the bedroom window open and something small and bony hit the ground outside." Well I'm tired out think I'll take a nap now go away there's a dear" he said as he ran past the window, tugging his pants up.
45 minutes later he passed by again, running in the opposite direction, chasing a cop on a motorcycle.
I closed the curtains.
A few hours later my telephone rang.
""Whats the matter with ya gurl cant ye afford one of them cell thingies landlines are so yesterday, anyway I've found God, turns out he was down by the gift shop all this time, so I'll probably be staying out late praying and buggering children these Goddies get up to some mad capers, don't wait up."
Across from the gift shop?
I got in the car and drove downtown.
I found Knudson sitting in the doorway just off the alley. " What happened?" I asked.
" The lying bastards said there'd be snake handlin," He groused.
"Please put that away," I said.
" Find me a live rat first," he leered. I forced him into the trunk and drove back home.
I figured half the poor old bastards problem was a lack of dignity so I decided to make the effort and give him some, whether he deserved it or not.
The ungrateful old geezer lit it on fire and left it in the middle of the living room carpet.
Later on I was disgusted to find out he'd left me a present of his own:
..."it was the fish they must have exploded in the heat, yeah, that's it those trout are tricky buggers"
I was less than satisfied with his explanation.
"Oh now don't go getting your sanitary napkin all in a knot there's a love, Old Knudson will make it up to you I promise, you can't say I'm not a man of my word and that word is 'Bacon' or sometimes 'epiglottis' because it reminds me of a gurl I once had, boy she could take it like a convicted felon that one, reminded me of the Strangeways hunger strikes, no one of those brave lads ever wanted for a vanilla shake on my watch. In fact I'll do some tidying up around the place God knows it needs it, even though that's weemens work and beneath me dignity being as I have a dick and all but as long as I'm a guest in your filthy fascist nation I figure best to pretend to make a good impression, that way they won't let that Lynndie England at me not that I'd mind she looks a goer that one."
The next morning he'd left, gone without a word. But amazingly enough, and as promised, the house was immaculate! I was stunned! Minor household repairs had been performed, the floor vacuumed, the lawn mowed, the laundry done...I couldn't believe it!
As I was cleaning out his room I did find a disposable camera. Here's what came back from the printers (along with a notice refusing me any further service at that location)
...I mean, yeah, it's my house...but that's not Knudson.
God hates me.