Friday, February 22, 2008

If you ain't Dutch....

Wow you guys! The votes were just OVERWHELMING! You could have asked to see lots of interesting places, say, strip clubs, breweries, libraries...but you wanted to see Lynden! You wacky wacky folks! Well OK then, lets go!!

Here we are just outside city limits. Those loops are dormant raspberry bushes caned over for their second year of production.

And here we are coming up Vinup road going through the 'Homestead' development. Seven years ago this was Hereford pasturage. No street, no pinoaks, no houses, nothing. Now it's clone housing. I know, I know, we're almost there! It's exciting, isn't it?

And here we are on Front Street!YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Oh, I know what you're thinking..."Nations, I thought you lived in America! But this looks EXACTLY LIKE HOLLAND!"

No, really! It's not anywhere near Holland! I know...spooky, huh? It's DOWNTOWN LYNDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, Lynden... final destination for hundreds of immigrant Dutch for some reason that's never been explained fully ('mass deportation' springs immediately to mind here) the early Nederlandische remade this peaceful little town on the Nooksack River in their own image. Which in this case seems to mean scattering lots of windmills around. Because everyone knows that windmills MEAN Holland!
And Greece. Holland and Greece.
And Brittany.
So, Greece, Brittany and Holland.
Windmills. Yeah.

You can stay overnight in this windmill. The propeller spins around, too. Inside the little shopping center it's attached to there's a huge 'canal' full of enormous koi fish that will put their heads out of the water and beg for food, which is cool. There is also a huge wooden shoe you can sit in. The last time I was there I got my butt stuck in it, which was both intelligent and stylish.

I think this windmill is just for decoration. Now truthfully there could be windmillish activities going on inside there but I've never been in it so I don't know. Another thing I don't know is why they need a windmill in a mini mall.

When the wind blows from the right direction the entire town lifts off the ground a couple of inches. No really.

and more.

This one used to light up like there were people living inside. Presumably tiny Dutch people. Living tiny Dutch lives.

And here's something else that Lynden is famous for:

Welcome to America!
Hey, why aren't you stopping? Hey! Hey stop! Spend some money!

Why aren't you stoppi-HEY! HEY STOP!

No really, we're really-WHY WON'T YOU STOP? IS THIS CREEPING YOU OUT OR SOMETHING? GOD SAID WE COULD DO THIS!!!! We have permission! Hey!

You see why I write all that stuff about womens rights, folks? Are you beginning to get the picture here? Good.

Now go wash up and then we'll all go skin pop some heroin, ok?

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Lets Go Visit the Store! part 2

Garfy and Gale wanted to go visit Wally World! Luckily for them I had a birthday present to buy and a new digital camera! If everyone behaves we MIGHT get a snack! (Probably not though.)

It wasn't until I actually found a parking place that I realized that I might probably be about to commit a prosecutable offense. (I'm not real clear on the law here; it's private property but there's no expectation of privacy because it's a public facility.) ...clicky for biggie. bear in mind that every light pole has two cameras mounted on it too; and that the parking lot extends back behind me for nearly an acre.

At any rate, once I looked around with that in mind I noted for the first time that the amount of surveillance equipment was staggering. And this is just the parking lot!...satisfaction guraanteed, folks. for some reason this end of the store isn't as well-surveilled. it's a mystery.

Just inside the doors and to the immediate right is my first stop anywhere I go...the ladies room. Here's the washroom part:....they take nothing for granted here; everything has instructions (yes, even on the you-know-whats-) and the instructions are in three languages.

And here's the crippled poopin' stool. Now generally speaking Larry the Cable Guy is correct when he says 'The crippled poopin' stool is the Cadillac of the poopin' stools'. This one happens to be an exception at the moment. I have to hand it to them though; this is the worst I've ever seen a Wally's stall ever.

Ah, now here we are just inside the main entrance. ...count'em. and remember, this is just one shot standing right inside the entrance looking in one direction.

I wanted to get a shot of all the surveillance blisters visible on the ceiling, and the pinhole aperature in the 'e' on the store television. Every check stand and associates station has an overhead camera and a microphone as well. I was too chickenshit to get a shot of that. Of course if they don't have at least ten different images of me by now it's not for lack of trying.

Anyway, here's what you all came to see. Yes, you really can buy a gun at Wally's.

Here's a better shot. This is pretty much the entire gun department here; just this counter with the glass cases behind it. The rest of the section holds various other sporting goods. I was hoofing ass past here pretending that my camera was a cell phone.

Here we are on the way out, and here's some typical Wally shoppers on their way in. See how many surveillance cameras you can spot.
You're off by three.

Back to the safety of the Heefalump Dumpaloon Mach 6! I dodge a shopping cart rolling slowly across the lot...

Just a pleasant reminder. Exuent Nations tearassing out onto the main drag hoping that nobody comes after her.

I probably had nothing to worry about, but I didn't make a major production about taking pictures either....I just strolled along and snapped without setting up shots in any way.

So. Where would you like to go next?

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Oh Caillou, We Hardly Knew Ye...CAN YOU SEE IT NOW???

The cattle were uneasy,
filled with strange foreboding....

Round the frog-haunted mere they gathered and chewed the cud of despair; scarcely daring to imagine a Gadarenian fate for their beloved porcine pal. Sus scrofula though he may be yet beloved by all; any skating fly or amphibial dawn-thigh'd nymph would scarcely blench to raise him on high ere the wavelets covered o'er his watery bier.

From high up on his throne atop Mt. Olympus, the Baby Jesus heard their piteous lamentations.Quick as a wink he changed into his secret aerodynamic identity The Holy Infant of Prague and whooshed down to lend his assistance!

The tale he heard was one of comrades torn asunder by Fates cruel Caprice.

The search was on!
The Holy Infant of Prague took to the skies!

He cast his keen-eyed infant gaze across the rural squalor below.

And, though he scarcely dared entertain the notion, a vague yet dark suspicion began to take shape unbidden...

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


We have a truck for sale. My truck, to be precise.

This tiny little farmer about 4 feet tall keeps coming to the house and knocking on the damn door wanting to buy my truck. I'm like all 'dude, my husband's at work, all right? I don't even have the keys here.'
No you cannot drive the truck, miniature farmer; without the keys the truck won't go. Please quit bothering me, tiny farmer. Please go away.

But the miniature farmer will not go away.

I have seen his molars.

He is an easily amused minature farmer; he throws his head back in a big horselaugh at the slightest thing and you can see all the way down to his liver. He's had a lot of fillings. I can stand flat footed and look down this mans throat when he laughs his tiny miniature farm laugh. It is not pretty. The inside of a miniature farmer is a sight nobody should ever have to see.

I have seen it.

Please go back to your tiny farm and leave me alone.

What happens if someone comes along and buys my truck and it is NOT the minature farmer?
The miniature farmer REALLY WANTS my truck. Personally I don't care who I sell the damn thing to. I am not being coy here. I simply don't have the goddamn paperwork, miniature farmer, ok? Can't you understand?

Please understand. No, don't laugh again-aw shit.

I don't know why thats funny, little farmer man.

The miniature farmer is beginning to scare me.

I am scared of the miniature farmer.

Please go bother somebody else. I cannot be the only person with a truck for sale.

Yes I know it's an automatic.

Yes I know you're buying it for your son who is sixteen and you don't want him talking on the cell phone and driving at the same time, which he can do since this truck is an automatic. Will you be holding me accountable for his death? Miniature farmer, I did not kill your son.
You don't even own my truck yet.

Please give me back my immortal soul.

Please go away.


Tiny Farmer (elton john)
"But oh how it feels so real
standing here,
and you are near,
only you...
and you are laughing
and I say softly
"Buy my crew-cab, tiny faaaaaarmer...
Drive a stickshift on the highway....
do not give your son a cell phone
Get a life and go awaaaaaaaaaay......"

p.s. Noshit Sherlock IS BACK!!!!!!!!

Monday, February 18, 2008


This one goes out to Beast on his bed of pain._______________

I'd like to invite you to an absolutely typical grocery store in one small corner of the United States. Lets go! I call shotgun!

Here we are approaching the produce department:

Oranges. Just oranges. Only oranges. One display of oranges nearly large enough to merit it's own representative in the State Legislature. While we contemplate the oranges we turn left and are greeted with the next image:

The juice aisle. Just juice. Only Juice. Apple, grape, orange, strawberry, agave, peach, pear...pretty much anything that can be squoze and won't fight back. A vast vista of juice stretching off to a tiny point in the distance.
Ignore the damn beans on the endcap. Lalalalalala wooooooooooOOOOoalalalala.

Turning once again toward the vegetable department we bid a fond farewell to the juice aisle and leave the oranges behind to ponder the finer points of the state budget.
Here we see the Mexican section! You will note the distinct absence of Mexicans. Instead we have agave leaves, nopalitos, tomatillos, jicama, papayas, green things and things in a white container, and and lots of other stuff that Mexicans presumably are fond of chewing on.

Here we see the rest of the produce department stretching out like a vast expanse of expansive vastness...row after row of slave-plucked radicchio redolent of Peruvian pesticide; Zom-beans sprung from gel-filled plastic troughs of petroleum-derived nutrient solution, taking shape beneath an ersatz sun.
At least, that describes the affordable stuff. The rest is organic.

They might not make a Crayola in your tint but they know 'you folks' like to eat too! The finest products of the Ethnian countryside have been selected for your easily-tanned delectation!
And because y'all insist on eating this weird shit we've jacked up the price all high in order to train you to eat like normal folks. Fricken' water chestnuts my aunt Mary; geeze. Eat people food.

Here's what we mean. This is what we're talkin about.
Nearly one quarter of the entire store is devoted to this department...we're talking MEAT.


Here is the dead chicken department! As you can see you can even choose the region of the nation you want your dead chicken to be from. Southern chickens sell for 50 cents less a pound on the main. Why? It's a SECRET.
You can get any part of a chicken here that you want, too. I am not playing. There is a man back there behind the dead chicken counter and you can knock on the window and say 'Dude, I need seventeen pounds of them weirdass doodly thingies from a chicken head' and he will give you a bag of them. No lie. They come frozen in a bigass chunk and the guy chips you off a piece (I guess they call it an 'Ice-bird'! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

This is the Pig Parts section. You can buy any part of a pig here that you want. Even dick. Of course they don't sell it under the name 'pig dick'; its all ground up in sausage. But really when you think about it, it's not like it would look particularly dickish lying there in the cooler anyway because pig dicks are all weird; they could name it something nice like 'natural sausage' and maybe they would sell a bunch.
Shit, they sell every other damn pig part and some of them are freakier than dick. Like ear. And Nose. Hell yeah. Gimme a fuckin pig nose right now; I'd like to stick that right in my mouth.

Then theres face. Yes, face.
'Yes, I'd like four pig faces; we're planning on a nice face dinner this evening my good man. Make sure they have a friendly expression.'
No. Just, no.
Who looked at this and thought 'Oh yeah; that'd be fucking tasty. "
It wouldn't have occurred to me. ( I'm waiting for them to go on sale; then I'll stock up.)

Here we have the tiny taco section of the Meat Department.

What? Your meat department does not have a tiny taco section? You mean to tell me that you cannot just whup on in to the local supermarket and buy yourself a scoop of frozen miniature tacos whenever the whim takes you? *sNERRRRRRRkkkk* Yeah, um, wow. That sucks pretty bad. *SNOOrrrkk*

Look what I found next to the tiny taco section!!

I love them REAL GOOD.

Here are the corndogs! It's nice to know that you no longer have to wait for a fair or a carnival in order to get this kind of fine cuisine. You can just heave a couple-three of these in the microwave and VOILA. ANY TIME YOU WANT. You don't have to beg and plead and whine anymore like when you were a kid at the fair and your parents were all 'no you can't have a dollar to buy one of those junky things it'll make you sick.' HA ON THEM.

Here we are looking down into HOTDOG PURGATORY. Not bad enough to be good, not good enough to be steak. You could even think of them as naked corndogs; they're long past caring. Buy some, won't you?

And here we are at our last stop on the way to the check-out stand; racks and racks and racks and racks of CANDY, all displayed in small transparent coffins; just like Lenin. Each according to their need.

The sweet thing with the shopping cart in the foreground is not a part of the display. I know! She should be, huh!

Well that was fun, wasn't it? I know I had fun. Maybe next time we'll go someplace else! Would you like that? Of course you would. Now go away.