Tuesday, February 19, 2008

PLEA TO THE MINIATURE FARMER

We have a truck for sale. My truck, to be precise.

This tiny little farmer about 4 feet tall keeps coming to the house and knocking on the damn door wanting to buy my truck. I'm like all 'dude, my husband's at work, all right? I don't even have the keys here.'
No you cannot drive the truck, miniature farmer; without the keys the truck won't go. Please quit bothering me, tiny farmer. Please go away.

But the miniature farmer will not go away.

I have seen his molars.

He is an easily amused minature farmer; he throws his head back in a big horselaugh at the slightest thing and you can see all the way down to his liver. He's had a lot of fillings. I can stand flat footed and look down this mans throat when he laughs his tiny miniature farm laugh. It is not pretty. The inside of a miniature farmer is a sight nobody should ever have to see.

I have seen it.

Please go back to your tiny farm and leave me alone.

What happens if someone comes along and buys my truck and it is NOT the minature farmer?
The miniature farmer REALLY WANTS my truck. Personally I don't care who I sell the damn thing to. I am not being coy here. I simply don't have the goddamn paperwork, miniature farmer, ok? Can't you understand?

Please understand. No, don't laugh again-aw shit.

I don't know why thats funny, little farmer man.

The miniature farmer is beginning to scare me.

I am scared of the miniature farmer.

Please go bother somebody else. I cannot be the only person with a truck for sale.

Yes I know it's an automatic.

Yes I know you're buying it for your son who is sixteen and you don't want him talking on the cell phone and driving at the same time, which he can do since this truck is an automatic. Will you be holding me accountable for his death? Miniature farmer, I did not kill your son.
You don't even own my truck yet.

Please give me back my immortal soul.


Please go away.

please.


Tiny Farmer (elton john)
"But oh how it feels so real
standing here,
and you are near,
only you...
and you are laughing
and I say softly
slowly....
"Buy my crew-cab, tiny faaaaaarmer...
Drive a stickshift on the highway....
do not give your son a cell phone
Get a life and go awaaaaaaaaaay......"

p.s. Noshit Sherlock IS BACK!!!!!!!!

16 comments:

  1. A pox on the tiny farmer and his cursed horse laugh.

    Have you tried slapping him on the head , just like Benny Hill and then maybe chasing him round the neighbourhood very fast dressd as a buxom nurse......
    ***Big Sigh***
    They dont write comedy like they used to

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  2. make sure you bring out the booster seat for him to use during your test drive... see if you can get him to pose with the truck. "for your records..." of course.

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  3. perhaps you could flash him?

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  4. she'd better not flash him, or he'll really never leave.

    just tell him that there is a law that says you can only sell the truck to someone who is at least 5 feet in height and not employed as a farmer. either that or tell him you've decided to jack up the price since it's so in demand.

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  5. Get Biker to leave keys. Mini Farmer drives truck, buys it, is gone. Problem solved. Stop flirting with him.

    *moves on to Iraq*

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  6. Is he really a Hobbit that is lost? He sounds a bit Twin Peaks - aaaggh - no - make the little man with the horseteeth go away..

    PS: did you get my e mail oh great one?

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  7. I need a truck.

    Does it wash dishes and mop floors?

    If so, please send it my way. I promis e awage of 50 cents an hour and a delish luncheon of crawfish tails and potatoes.

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  8. * embarrassed wave * Does this mean I have to start posting again? Lol, fine. See you on the flip side...

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  9. lmao...i am in the process of selling a car...i HATE selling autos...what a pain in the ass!

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  10. Does he wear minature overalls? Do you think he will need to use blocks on the gas pedal? Does he have a mini-me? You should get one of those carnival signs that says you have to be this tall to get on the ride....I have one you can borrow.

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  11. Does he keep miniature cows and sheep and have a miniature Mrs tiny farmer to attend to his sexual needs?

    I think you should ask him.

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  12. Everyone: the miniature farmer appeared at our door at 7:30 last night, in the dark, covered in mud. literally had mud dried in mud-locks on his miniature head and in his tiny beard. handed us the asking price, grabbed the keys and the paperwork and drove off into the night.

    I am thinking this might mean he tunnelled his way here like a dwarf or a meerkat or something. maybe he is a CHUD. or a morlock. in any case, he is a newly mobile one. God only knows how he's going to see over the steering wheel.

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  13. Hurrah for the miniature farmer.

    ***Beast does horse laugh and flashes his molars****

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  14. HA the miniature farmer! He can't nearly be as scary as that pig face though. Because my GOD woman, that shit is scary.

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  15. Sounds almost as creepy as the peruvian / eastern european 'big issue' seller in christchurch, who can get more e's in the word Please than anyone else I know.

    She has the 'pleading eyes' 'begging hands' 'humble knees' 'prostrated dentures' and other such artful tricks to part you with your £2 (so she says).

    I shudder at the plaintive cry of 'beeegeeshue, you buy pleeeeeeeeeeeese?'
    She can sidle round behind you when you least expect it.

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