Friday, August 08, 2008

Purple Dog Howls The Singing Fierce: Speed Essence!

Where have I been? Writing porn. Too hot to work outdoors so what the hell, right? Stay inside and heat things up. Or not, considering the frequent sidetracks into, say, french economic theory (the one in the can right now) and harvesting equipment and residential smoke damage and whatnot. So hit UJ and you'll find four new posts since the last time you visited 6 MONTHS AGO you slacker.


So my son visited last week and stayed the night, and we drove all over hells half acre and had a couple of beers and gardened together. It was awesome!

Then what happened....huh. My tomatoes are going nuts....and, its been really hot outside...and, the lawn quit growing so I haven't had to mow....lets see. I made hendrixcats tandoori chicken thing and it was GOOD...hung out with my daughter and had a blast, and drove all over hells half acre...saw cow NO NO NO WE DIDN'T SE STOP I DIDN'T SAY OW saw sheep....and llamas; someone out in Skagit hires out pack llamas to hikers and there they are, standing all on the side of the road llama-ing around...being, you know, llamas...

Oh, and the Canadians are attacking. It's great.
There's fighter jets flying overhead so low that its raising the fucking shingles on the roof. Way to go Canada! You show us Americans, dammit! You go! Just....stampede those co
sheep! Thats right! Boy, I sure won't be messing with ol' Canada any time soon, you bad co
sheep stampeder men!!! I'll tell everyone I know, boy, you piss off the Canadians, they will flat come and SCARE YOUR LIVESTOCK, man. Don't do it. Serious.

Suppose they've filed a flight plan with the FFA? Them or any of the other Canadian-based aircraft that have been doing stunt stalls overhead? Have they FUCK, chillun.

And where are the Minuteman Millitia? Those brave volunteer defenders of our nations borders? Selfless and true, tirelessly patrolling the perimeters on their own time in their own vehicles with their own unneccessarily large-calibre weaponry? One doesn't know. AL QAIDA (or possibly his brother Tim Qaida) could be up there in his Piper Cub flying around! With a whole grocery sack full of MJ's used uns ready to fling down on our crops and in the water supply and ALLAH ONLY KNOWS WHAT ALL. Meanwhile we're just sitting ducks.

Thanks a WHOLE LOT, Minuteman Millitia. One might get the impression that you were simply a fair weather, attention whoring, racist organization dreamed up by ineffectual, middle aged 4-F losers with too much spare time on their hands or something. Geeze. yeah, thats it.

That, and, Blogger won't let me comment on ANYBODY'S SITE. at all. For the last 4 days. And goddammit, I've had some damned pithy shit to say! I am sad.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Special Elk The Milk of Lonliness

NOTE: As it turns out, the last, lingering traces of the false memory implant have been the most problematic. While I struggle to sort it all out, you get a heavily edited rerun. Grab your ankles, sweetheart.

THE ARK ( contemporary photograph )

When last we left our struggling planet, God had sicced one of his scarier angels on Adam and Eve to chase them from the Garden of Eden. Humanity found itself cast out into a bleak desolation filled with prarie dogs and a vague unpleasant aroma.

Ah, but they were a hardy breed, and so by dint of hard work, determination and sheer reproductory prowess they raised up great cities almost literally from the dust...and promptly fucked it all up. This is where we find them now......

Things had gotten entirely out of hand.
What had started out as an orderly world had become a clothing optional theme park with bad water sculpture, where people did things with strawberries that defied description.
'Ok, thats it,' said God. "Y'all are just disgusting."

Noah and his family were the exception.

Despite a shocking lack of navigation skills, God liked the cut of their jib. First, He bade them build an ark. Then he bade them load it up with male and female pairs of every animal on the earth, leaving the logistics of that one up to them. "Hey, don't worry", said God. "This is going to be skate. All you have to do is float around for forty days and nights. And try not to sink. And keep the animals fed. And their stalls mucked out. And try not to let the carniverous ones eat the....yeah. Well, listen, I got a bunch of weather stuff to sort out so, yeah."

As if on cue, The Animals showed up and scampered onto the ark.

God took Noah aside and had a word with him about taking things too literally. As we can see from the example of modern-day Christianity, this talk didn't take too well.

Two of every kind of animal started showing up to go onto the ark. But after number of alternative couples had slipped past the gate while Noah, suffering from an enlarge prostate, had been out taking a leak, Noah decided it would be a good idea to put his sons, Nephi and Shempy, by the door to check i.ds.

Still, the fact that they had to wear helmets should have been a clue relative to their job performance.

Sasquatch turned out to be a Cordon Bleu graduate! They put him in charge of the officers mess.

Once the world was good and flooded, Noah and them had nothing much to do but float around taking in the sights, which were mostly along the lines of millions of dead bodies bobbing around, and coelecanths chowing down on them.

That was when the pirates attacked.

Yes, it was none other than Captain Programmer, toast of the Spanish Main! With his cutlass in one hand and his other hand lost in a tragic cannery accident, he rallied his men for an attack!

Nothing daunted, brave Noah gave the command "Stand by to repel boarders!"
Sasquatch ran out on deck and brandished the naked mole rat.

The boarders were repelled.

It was a Victory at Sea.

Still, trouble continued to dog the Ark. Because a couple days later the cats (see what I did with the whole 'dog' and 'cat' thing there? You loved it) staged a mutiny."He's pouring out our drinking water on the breadfruit trees while we're dying of thirst!" they cried.

While the humans were cracking up the cats regrouped to devise a better rallying cry. "Ok! We got it! Ok! We're tired of using a STUPID BOX to crap in! None of the other animals have to crap in a box! No, they just waaaaaaaaalk around and let fly, but not the cats, OH HELL NO, its all 'crap in the box, cat'! Yeah, well those days are FINISHED!"

And Chaos reigned supreme.

Finally, desperate to get that 'Macavity" song out of his head, Noah regained the upper hand. "Yes, we know we belong to the land", he said, as the cats swabbed the decks morosely, chains clanking "And the land we belong to is GRAND."

Finally Noah decided to check to see if the water was going down. He sent out his faithful chihuahua Shep.

Three days later Shep returned with a hemorrhoid doughnut .

Shep, as it turned out, was not a good first choice for this task.

Next Noah sent out a dove,which proved to be a little more survival oriented than the dog.

The flood had taken it's grisly toll. The earth was not as it had been. Things were pretty fucked up.

Although not fucked up the same as they'd been BEFORE the Flood, of course. There was a significantly higher risk of dying of cholera now.

The task of setting to rights was no longer a job for the elder generation.

Mr. and Mrs. Noah, having taken a liking to the nautical life, retired to a small home in Florida

Meanwhile, the sun set on the devastated earth, and a humid stench rose in an indescribably foul cloud from the grim leavings of the catastrophe.

As they stood amid the wretched detrius of the retreating waters, Nephi and Shempy decided to grab the bull by the horns. After all, when life hands you lemons.....