Monday, August 04, 2008

Special Elk The Milk of Lonliness

NOTE: As it turns out, the last, lingering traces of the false memory implant have been the most problematic. While I struggle to sort it all out, you get a heavily edited rerun. Grab your ankles, sweetheart.

THE ARK ( contemporary photograph )

When last we left our struggling planet, God had sicced one of his scarier angels on Adam and Eve to chase them from the Garden of Eden. Humanity found itself cast out into a bleak desolation filled with prarie dogs and a vague unpleasant aroma.

Ah, but they were a hardy breed, and so by dint of hard work, determination and sheer reproductory prowess they raised up great cities almost literally from the dust...and promptly fucked it all up. This is where we find them now......

Things had gotten entirely out of hand.
What had started out as an orderly world had become a clothing optional theme park with bad water sculpture, where people did things with strawberries that defied description.
'Ok, thats it,' said God. "Y'all are just disgusting."

Noah and his family were the exception.

Despite a shocking lack of navigation skills, God liked the cut of their jib. First, He bade them build an ark. Then he bade them load it up with male and female pairs of every animal on the earth, leaving the logistics of that one up to them. "Hey, don't worry", said God. "This is going to be skate. All you have to do is float around for forty days and nights. And try not to sink. And keep the animals fed. And their stalls mucked out. And try not to let the carniverous ones eat the....yeah. Well, listen, I got a bunch of weather stuff to sort out so, yeah."

As if on cue, The Animals showed up and scampered onto the ark.

God took Noah aside and had a word with him about taking things too literally. As we can see from the example of modern-day Christianity, this talk didn't take too well.

Two of every kind of animal started showing up to go onto the ark. But after number of alternative couples had slipped past the gate while Noah, suffering from an enlarge prostate, had been out taking a leak, Noah decided it would be a good idea to put his sons, Nephi and Shempy, by the door to check i.ds.

Still, the fact that they had to wear helmets should have been a clue relative to their job performance.

Sasquatch turned out to be a Cordon Bleu graduate! They put him in charge of the officers mess.

Once the world was good and flooded, Noah and them had nothing much to do but float around taking in the sights, which were mostly along the lines of millions of dead bodies bobbing around, and coelecanths chowing down on them.

That was when the pirates attacked.

Yes, it was none other than Captain Programmer, toast of the Spanish Main! With his cutlass in one hand and his other hand lost in a tragic cannery accident, he rallied his men for an attack!

Nothing daunted, brave Noah gave the command "Stand by to repel boarders!"
Sasquatch ran out on deck and brandished the naked mole rat.

The boarders were repelled.

It was a Victory at Sea.

Still, trouble continued to dog the Ark. Because a couple days later the cats (see what I did with the whole 'dog' and 'cat' thing there? You loved it) staged a mutiny."He's pouring out our drinking water on the breadfruit trees while we're dying of thirst!" they cried.

While the humans were cracking up the cats regrouped to devise a better rallying cry. "Ok! We got it! Ok! We're tired of using a STUPID BOX to crap in! None of the other animals have to crap in a box! No, they just waaaaaaaaalk around and let fly, but not the cats, OH HELL NO, its all 'crap in the box, cat'! Yeah, well those days are FINISHED!"

And Chaos reigned supreme.

Finally, desperate to get that 'Macavity" song out of his head, Noah regained the upper hand. "Yes, we know we belong to the land", he said, as the cats swabbed the decks morosely, chains clanking "And the land we belong to is GRAND."

Finally Noah decided to check to see if the water was going down. He sent out his faithful chihuahua Shep.

Three days later Shep returned with a hemorrhoid doughnut .

Shep, as it turned out, was not a good first choice for this task.

Next Noah sent out a dove,which proved to be a little more survival oriented than the dog.

The flood had taken it's grisly toll. The earth was not as it had been. Things were pretty fucked up.

Although not fucked up the same as they'd been BEFORE the Flood, of course. There was a significantly higher risk of dying of cholera now.

The task of setting to rights was no longer a job for the elder generation.

Mr. and Mrs. Noah, having taken a liking to the nautical life, retired to a small home in Florida

Meanwhile, the sun set on the devastated earth, and a humid stench rose in an indescribably foul cloud from the grim leavings of the catastrophe.

As they stood amid the wretched detrius of the retreating waters, Nephi and Shempy decided to grab the bull by the horns. After all, when life hands you lemons.....


  1. Interesting. So that's why my cats refuse to go in the box to this day.

  2. We gotta get out of this place!
    If it's the last thing we ever do
    We gotta get out of this place,
    'cause girl, there's a better life ... for me and you

    Could I request the animals switch over to House of the Rising Sun for a change?

  3. And now in other news...

    Canada finally gets a foot in the door.

    We WILL take over.


  5. I dont remember the bit with the strawberries and the cat mutiny when we learned about Noah in Sunday School.
    Is this yet another conspiracy of silence by the Vatican ???

    ****phones Dan Brown*****

  6. hendrix4:38 AM

    The fact that you have not yet been struck by lightening is proof of the non-existence of God.

    PS. Will you please start posting these after I've had my morning coffee? It's getting really expensive on the screen cleaning front!

  7. OMG! we've forgotten the Unicorns!

  8. But, why did they have cows on the boat?

  9. danator: that's right. religion and cqtbox enforcement have gone hand in hand down through the ages and the cats have always resented it.

    mj:you're just never happy, are you?/KEEP YOUR FEET TO YOUROWNDAMNSELVES CANADA EW EW EW EW.


    beast: yes. that pesky vatican is at it again. don't forget to IM the Cathars and the Bilderbergers.

    handrix: well you got that waterproof keyboard, right? the screen is wipeable.

    frobi: yeah, but somehow sasquatch and godzilla made it.

    joe: DON'T MENTION.....THEM. you know who. don't. shhhhhhhhhhhh.*looks around furtively*

  10. I've awarded you an award, which you may or may not want... but I've done it anyway.

  11. Anonymous6:20 PM

    i feel vindicated in knowing that GOD is southern. (after all, who uses y'all in everyday vernacular except us?)

  12. Anonymous6:22 PM

    p.s. i'm still waiting on verification of those chopsticks.

  13. FN, I now have an entirely new outlook on life because of your wonderful blog....could be a start of a new religion/cult. Just think gardening in a whole other realm...or something

  14. You'll create any excuse to pull out that pic of the japanese dudes in the mankinis, won't you?

  15. Anonymous2:04 PM

    Was I allowed on - as a matter of interest or did I evolve since then?

  16. yippeee i can comment again

  17. Z: dont tell the co OW DAMMIT NO STOP SHIT OW sheep.

    pink: makes sense to me. chopsticks....SHUT UP ABOUT THE CHOPSTICKS I DON'T WANT THE....SHEEP....TO KNOW ABOUT THE CHOPSTICKS.

    gale: no, really. go check. theres pirates in the Flood story.
    fine theres no pirates. but you gotta admit there should BE pirates.

    cb: wouldn't you? please. one guy is touching another guys JUNK. through SPANDEX. and they're japanese. and, and, they have PLASTIC HELMETS. i really don't understand your aversion to this.

    mr. the dog: of course you did. where do you think the ancient term' doggie style' comes to us from? Noah. Thats right. noah, you, and noahs webcam.

    beast: yeah, no SHIT blogger, thanks. its not like you arent making boucoup dolleros off this or anything, so sure, go ahead, fall asleep at the ol switch there. we'll just wait here and suck a pickle, ok? *snif*