Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Why I Live Here Redux - a - go-go

This is real, this is not Photoshopped, this really appeared on the church readerboard down the street:

..it was a barbecue. What do you suppose was on the grill that day?

Sunday, March 25, 2012

It's Greek because the price is hairy, fool

Let me take a few moments of your time here to save you 3000.00 dollars a  year off your grocery bill, OK?  This won't hurt.  Stop struggling. No the handcuffs are part of the proceeduWOULD YOU HOLD STILL DAMMIT.

You go to the store and what they're selling as 'Greek' yogurt is running SIX FUCKING DOLLARS (and change) A PINT.  And this is the part that makes Big Dairy wealthy and you stupid:  The only difference between regular yogurt and 'Greek' yogurt is that the 'Greek' version has been drained of about 1/3 to 1/2 or more of it's whey content. 
That's it. 
I am completely serious. 
If you've been buying so-called 'Greek' yogurt and paying that kind of cash for it you need to quit being retarded now and read this carefully so I can un-tard you.

You will need:

-One bigass container of regular plain yogurt-the milk fat content is up to you. This should cost you four dollars and change.  You will be saving TWO ENTIRE FUCKING DOLLARS is what I'm trying to tell you here.

-A bowl

-A colander or strainer that fits into the bowl, leaving an inch or more space between the bottom of the bowl and the bottom of the strainer thingie.  (You could sit the colander up on an overturned coffee cup set in the bottom of the bowl to get some height.)

- clean, white paper towel

Instrucciones de yogue of Greek:

Colander goes in bowl.
 Paper towel goes in colander.
Container of yogurt is blorped out into this.
Let stand at least one hour

VOYLER!  What's left in the colander is now 'Greek' yogurt! 

Need flavoring?  Add flavoring. Or  stir in 1 1/4 cup raw hamburger and walk around with it packed in your armpits until it starts to itch.

You will lose about 1/3 the mass you had originally in the form of whey.  You can dump this out, or drink it (I do; it's very sour but I love sour things)  use it to make bread or pancakes with, or-if you used unpasteurized live culture yogurt- use it as starter for any cultured food you might be making.  If you're manufacturing cyborgs and you've chosen to use a wetware CPU (i.e a raccoon brain) or growing a dermis using your own skin cells,  room-temperature whey makes a good interim nutrient solution.

Or you can use the whey as a home remedy that is going to sound gross as hell but I swear to you this works like magic:

Got a sinus issue? By which I mean a seeping horrifying festering infection filled with dark strands of necrotic tissue and  other suspicious-looking fragments which might be insect parts?
We can fix this.

-Strain the whey free of white chunks.
-Add some warm water, enough to give you about three cups of liquid
-Add about a level tablespoon full of salt and stir to dissolve
-Bend over a sink and gently suck this mixture up out of a cup using your nose.  Seriously. I mean this.  The salt will keep it from stinging and burning. Really!  This works!
-Fluid will collect in your mouth; spit it out.  Alternate spitting with just sucking up water into your nose until it just fills your sinuses, holding it, then blowing it out of your nose. Finish off the whole cup. AND RINSE THE SINK OUT AFTERWARD geeze. Including the trap.  Trust me.

Repeat every couple of hours.

This will take care of your sinus issues in a couple of days.  Usually takes two with me.  No really I mean this.  Take it from a lifelong allergic person who spent a lot of years being really poor-this works like MAGIC.  Yes it's repulsive. That's part of it's charm. 

Does it taste funny? Does it smell funny?  A little.  Nut up. Your disgusting sinus infection tasted and smelled funny too, didn't it.