Thursday, May 25, 2006

Pink Tiger's Amusement Park Assault


There is a lot about Noah that isn't readily known. A lot more than I had ever heard of, in fact. Of course, Catholic youngsters aren't exposed to the juicier side of the bible much...not too much time is spent on the Song of Solomon, for example, except to quickly cite it as a parable of Gods love for his church. All I know is that 'thy breasts are like turtledoves' is not what comes to MY mind when I think about church.
So when one of my darlings reminded me of the sad episode of Noah's drunkenness and subsequent wardrobe malfunction I had to go look it up. And there it was, all right, right there in the regular Bible.
First thing, right off the Ark, Noah takes a couple of the animals he worked so hard saving and sacrifices them to give thanks to God.

You know, the man was required to as a proto-jew so lets not go judging. After being brought through an event like that alive I'd be feeling thankful and extravagant too. ( Not to mention there exists some textual disagreement about whether or not he might have taken a few extra pairs of ritually 'clean' animals so there would be a surplus.)

Apparently Noah then settled down and became a farmer. He raised wine grapes. As is only to be expected, comes ripe the crop he made some wine and drank it. But as he had not tasted the fruit of the vine in some time, he passed out cold with his pants around his ankles (or whatever he was or was not wearing in those days.... anyway he was hangin out.)

One son finds him and hollers over at the other two to come check out dad.
Showing considerably more class than their brother, they take and cover dad up while looking the other way modestly.
When dad wakes up he curses the first son and his line to be slaves for all eternity. Now while first son was an asshole, this seems kind of harsh.(I would have got cursed for sure. In fact I'd probably still be lying on my side by the door cracking up.)

The other two got to divide the world between them.

Explains so much, doesn't it?

Serious part:
Now, this, my darlings, is nothing whatsover compared to what's written about Noah in the various Apocrypha.
And thats another new thing dear old FirstNations has learned in pursuing this subject...Hell, I was barely aware of ONE Apocrypha, let alone Apocryphae.
It is disturbing and powerful stuff. The Books of Enoch and the Noachic fragments look to me like a prefigurement of the modern Gospels...or the model which they were drawn on. Noah, far from being simply a beleaguered old man with too many pets, was a Savior according to these writings, born with supernatural powers of speech and understanding, who knew secrets of agriculture, healing and exorcism. Very, very interesting's filling in some of the missing information I've noted during my travels around medieval art and literature.

And now, if you will 'scuse me, I'm going to go look at pictures of hairy men kissing each other on the LIPS.

a reference you should bookmark, if you haven't already

some very freaky fringe-oid ark crap.....

a nice gallery of hairy men..but you'll have to work to earn it. (y'all underage folks, you just don't worry about this.)

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

more quaint vignettes from my charming rural idyll

From where I sit here in Command Central I can look out the kitchen window down onto a small shade garden I planted when we first moved in. A huge granite boulder sits there, providing potential burglars with a nice stepping stone in through my kitchen window, and also making a protected place behind which I planted a hosta...either 'Big Boy' or 'Blue Boy'; I forget the variety. In any event it had not shown any signs of being either big or blue sincethe pathetic little thing went into the ground. That's been ten years ago.
Some weeks back the Yummy Biker was feeling poorly, if you recall. While he was sitting here at the computer the urge to blow chow came upon him suddenly; so, he simply opened the window and, well, blew chow.
My hosta is almost 2 feet tall this year.

While the Goonybird was taking a nap this afternoon I snuck out to the garden shed to put up some special succulents I had set aside to dormant. Yes, I know I don't really have to take that kind of trouble with succulents, but these have been little bastards trying to get multiplied.
When I entered the shed I checked for roosting swallows before I ventured past the doorway. It was raining very gently, and I was afraid some were waiting out the shower up in the beams, asleep. You see, when they wake up suddenly, they wake up grumpy and confused; they fly and cheep and spin and frisbee; sometimes they disorient themselves with panic and bash into the walls, so I try not to startle them. All clear, nobody home.
While I was working the gentle rainfall ramped up suddenly to a torrent. I looked out through the door at the silver lines coming straight down, hammering the grass flat while I was dry in my little fort, and warm, with the smell of compost and rainwater, gasoline and warm metal. Then just as smoothly the rain subsided, tapered off to a sprinkle, and stopped. The swallows flew down from the neighbors cottonwood trees like tickertape streamers and whirled around my yard skimming the grass.

A flock of fat, fat geese, almost too fat to fly, flew overhead going south towards the flooded fields of Skagit county. Now that the big tulip harvest is over the farmers are turning the earth. That and the rain are bringing the large, cold angleworms up to the surface. Every beat of their wings accompanies a bleated 'whonk' as they toil past, ruddering around the phone poles, their funny triangular feet stuck out and fluttering in the breeze.
Yeah, I cuss them all winter for tearing up my grass, then I miss them in the spring.

Jett, my girldog, is shedding great wads of undercoat. I could knit a new dog out of what I pluck off her in the evening. I think it must feel tickly, because she only takes so much, then she dances away grinning and wagging like a big goofturd. Then comes back and wants mom to start all over. I must have taken a grocerysack full of fur off this thing already and the end isn't in sight. Actually the end is in sight, and it needs a damp washrag. Skanky dogbutt! Yay!

The tomato starts I bought are waiting patiently for a sunny day to go in. First time in at least 6 or 7 years I've bought in my main crop plants. I got 'Olpaka' for paste, and two big slicers...something from the 'Beef' series, I forget which one. I'll strip the leaves off to the top four pair and sink the rootball in compost, then backfill with soil and water with compost tea, cage 'em up and then let them do the rest. Around early September I stop watering and cut off all the leaves to stress the remaining tomatoes into ripening, and call it a year. And it's such a short year, dammit.

Monday, May 22, 2006


THE ARK ( contemporary photograph )

This post was requested by one of pervy Frobishers friends. Suspiciously, I cannot access his suspicious blog of suspicion for some suspicious reason. I can only conjecture that it is because I am not cool enough or I have girl germs. Well fine. I am a bigger person that that, so HA HA on you. We aim to please here at Rancho FirstNations. Suckered or not, here's the continuing story of the Old Testament.
When last we left our struggling planet The humans had eaten the forbidden fruit of the tennis tree and God sicced one of his scarier angels on them to chase them from the Garden of Eden. Humanity found itself in a bleak desolation filled with prarie dogs. But they were a hardy breed, and so by dint of hard work, determination and sheer reproductory prowess they raised up great cities, governments, and armies almost literally from the dust...until the humans killed them and stole it. And promptly fucked it all up.
This one is dedicated to SurlyGirl.

Things had gotton entirely out of hand.
People were messing up an large scale. What had once been an orderly world had become a clothing optional themepark with bad water sculpture, and people were doing things with strawberries that defied description.
'Ok, thats it,' said God. "Y'all are just disgusting."

Noah and his family were the exception.
Despite a shocking lack of navigation skills, God liked the cut of their jib.God is omniscient like that. "Don't worry", said God. "All you have to do is float around for forty days and nights. And try not to sink. And keep the animals fed."

And as if on cue, The Animals showed up and scampered onto the ark. God took Noah aside and had a word with him about taking things too literally. Unfortunately, it didn't take too well, did it?

Two of every kind of animal started showing up to go onto the ark. God reassured a skeptical Mrs. Noah "It's ok, they're supposed to. Its not like it's an infestation." Although an infestation of camels would be interesting, wouldn't it? Stinky too.

But after number of alternative couples had slipped past the gate, Noah decided it would be a good idea to put his sons, Nephi and Shempy, by the door to check i.ds. Noah was a busy guy and God was up to his Godly armpits flooding the world.

Still, the fact that they had to wear helmets should have been a clue relative to their job performance.

As luck would have it, Sasquatch turned out to be a Cordon Bleu graduate so they put him in charge of the officers mess.

Once the world was good and flooded they started floating around and taking in the sights, which were mostly along the lines of coelecanths chowing down on all the dead bodies bobbing around. "Did anyone remember to buy groceries before we left?" Mrs. Noah asked.

That was when the pirates attacked.

Yes, it was none other than Captain Programmer, toast of the Spanish Main! With his cutlass in one hand and his other hand lost in a tragic cannery accident, he rallyed his men for an attack!

Nothing daunted, brave Noah gave the command "Stand by to repel boarders!"
Sasquatch ran out on deck and brandished the naked mole rat. The boarders were repelled. It was a Victory at Sea.

But trouble continued to dog the Ark. Ha ha, get it? Because a couple days later the cats staged a mutiny."He pours our drinking water on the breadfruit trees when people are dying of thirst!" they cried. .
While the humans were cracking up the cats regrouped to devise a better rallying cry. "Ok! We got it! Ok! They make us use a STUPID BOX to crap in! Those days are FINISHED!"

And Chaos reigned supreme.

The first item on the evil feline agenda was a change in uniform.

Finally, sick unto death of Andrew LLoyd Webber, desparate to get that 'Macavity" song out of his head, Noah regained the upper hand. "Yes, we know we belong to the land", he said, as the cats swabbed the decks morosely, chains clanking "And the land we belong to is GRAND."

Finally Noah decided to check to see if the water was going down.

Three days later Shep returned with a hemerrhoid doughnut .

Shep, as it turned out, was not a good first choice for this task.

Next he tried a dove,which proved to be a little more survival oriented than the dog.

But the flood had taken it's grisly toll. The earth was not as it had been. Needless to say, things were pretty fucked up.

But it was no longer a job for the elder generation. Mr. and Mrs. Noah, having taken a liking to the nautical life, retired to a small home in Florida

The sun set on the devastated earth, as a humid stench rose in an indescribably foul cloud from the grim leavings of the flood.

Nephi and Shempy decided to grab the bull by the horns. After all, when life hands you lemons.....