Thursday, May 25, 2006

Pink Tiger's Amusement Park Assault


There is a lot about Noah that isn't readily known. A lot more than I had ever heard of, in fact. Of course, Catholic youngsters aren't exposed to the juicier side of the bible much...not too much time is spent on the Song of Solomon, for example, except to quickly cite it as a parable of Gods love for his church. All I know is that 'thy breasts are like turtledoves' is not what comes to MY mind when I think about church.
So when one of my darlings reminded me of the sad episode of Noah's drunkenness and subsequent wardrobe malfunction I had to go look it up. And there it was, all right, right there in the regular Bible.
First thing, right off the Ark, Noah takes a couple of the animals he worked so hard saving and sacrifices them to give thanks to God.

You know, the man was required to as a proto-jew so lets not go judging. After being brought through an event like that alive I'd be feeling thankful and extravagant too. ( Not to mention there exists some textual disagreement about whether or not he might have taken a few extra pairs of ritually 'clean' animals so there would be a surplus.)

Apparently Noah then settled down and became a farmer. He raised wine grapes. As is only to be expected, comes ripe the crop he made some wine and drank it. But as he had not tasted the fruit of the vine in some time, he passed out cold with his pants around his ankles (or whatever he was or was not wearing in those days.... anyway he was hangin out.)

One son finds him and hollers over at the other two to come check out dad.
Showing considerably more class than their brother, they take and cover dad up while looking the other way modestly.
When dad wakes up he curses the first son and his line to be slaves for all eternity. Now while first son was an asshole, this seems kind of harsh.(I would have got cursed for sure. In fact I'd probably still be lying on my side by the door cracking up.)

The other two got to divide the world between them.

Explains so much, doesn't it?

Serious part:
Now, this, my darlings, is nothing whatsover compared to what's written about Noah in the various Apocrypha.
And thats another new thing dear old FirstNations has learned in pursuing this subject...Hell, I was barely aware of ONE Apocrypha, let alone Apocryphae.
It is disturbing and powerful stuff. The Books of Enoch and the Noachic fragments look to me like a prefigurement of the modern Gospels...or the model which they were drawn on. Noah, far from being simply a beleaguered old man with too many pets, was a Savior according to these writings, born with supernatural powers of speech and understanding, who knew secrets of agriculture, healing and exorcism. Very, very interesting's filling in some of the missing information I've noted during my travels around medieval art and literature.

And now, if you will 'scuse me, I'm going to go look at pictures of hairy men kissing each other on the LIPS.

a reference you should bookmark, if you haven't already

some very freaky fringe-oid ark crap.....

a nice gallery of hairy men..but you'll have to work to earn it. (y'all underage folks, you just don't worry about this.)


  1. Yay! I'm first!
    Sudden inexplicable urge to play ZZ Top tunes.

  2. Ech - there those two are again. They still give me the creeps. It think its the one in red that does it...

    Didn't Noah live to be something like 8,000 years old, too? Silly old coot.

  3. mj: yeah...and check the tub drain.
    claire: don't repress those feelings. it will only make you twisted inside. nephi and shempy are the asian god kings of grape smuggling and dead hard! DEAD HARD!!

  4. Anonymous12:23 PM

    History, comedy, facts, further reading and gay porn!! that's the reason I come here. Thanx for the ending FN, mwah

    Pre Bible stories, I think you'll find the Noah story comes from a wealthy Sumalian who was stranded on his boat with nothing but trade animals and beer for several weeks. Of course the Christians (without many original ideas) shaped it with morals for their own teachings. A quick search of the net doesn't reveal much about it but I found this

    I am real (Stamping feet)!!

  5. hardhouse: no, thank you. that took me on a very interesting journey. i read the thing about the beer guy...i can think of worse fates!
    oh hell, all right, you exist.
    y'all hear that? he's real!

  6. 'All I know is that 'thy breasts are like turtledoves' is not what comes to MY mind when I think about church.' It's not the first thing that comes to my mind when thinking about breasts.

    Gay Porn and hidden religious teachings, missing Bible passages...are you Dan Brown? Is Tom Hanks going to return with facial hair and chaps in 'Da Vinci Code 2: the Disco"?

  7. There is a theory that Ham did more than just look at his naked, drunken father which is why he got such a severe curse (or rather his sun Caanan did).

    Bear in mind the only person who gets drunk in the Old Testment is Lot, who subsequently impregnates his daughters.

    Noah had no more children after that incident though...

  8. I am very concerned about the animals noah sacrificed. Wonder what they could have been? Dodos? Tyranasaurus Rex? Unicorns?

  9. Great post! Gotta watch hat lookin' upon nakedness stuff.

    I bet he sacrificed the unicorns.

  10. FN: Another fine addition to The Blogger's Bible. (Yeah, at some point, you need to pull it altogether and publish it.)

    According to the Old Testament, early Man had a strangely dysfunctional sex drive. Uh, did that have anything to do with being made in God's image? (The tosser.)

  11. But that guy was hairy and OLD. And the other dudes hairdo sucked.
    THose two worry me faintly. I'm not sure why...

  12. F N....just to send you off on another Noah crusade , wasnt he also an albino ????.
    Top post , I really enjoyed it. I have been reading some marvellous stuff on Helen of Troy , seems to have been a pre runner for the Playboy babes.
    From some of the contemporary accounts of her she had a penchant for wipping her Jugs out whenever the going got tough , which usually resulted in catastrophe , mayhem , wars , kidnapping etc etc.
    Sounds like a Beast kinda girl.... or a night out with Mr C or Hardhouse

  13. krusty: hell, i can write bullshit with the best of them. dan brown? bring the shithead on.*still very touchy about TDVC*
    billy: nope, in the standard revised-for-ou-safety bible, noah definately gets piefaced. and the whole lot incident...ewwwwwwww.
    frobi: they were the Friendly Obliging Sandwich tasted like a Reuben, the other tasted like a Meatball Sub. bastard!
    doug: welcome welcome! the unicorns deserved whatever happened to them for being so dorky.
    Ziplinger: yeah, wotta buncha degenerates. of course they had a huger huge world to populate and subdue and crush and defeat and smash and destroy and kill....
    noshit: i, hm. well,
    oh, just consider the source, willya? i have a thing for hairy chubbos. hairy chubbos kissing? HELL yeah!
    beast:noah was supposed to have been very light, yeah. as for helen, i thought it was her face that lauched a thousand ships, not her tits. musta been some tits. dang.

  14. FN I think any girl in Greece that doesnt have a moustache or look like an old walnut , has got a good head start , if she is also prone to attention seeking wardrobe malfunctions when the going gets tough , she was bound to be the stuff of legend