This post was requested by one of pervy Frobishers friends. Suspiciously, I cannot access his suspicious blog of suspicion for some suspicious reason. I can only conjecture that it is because I am not cool enough or I have girl germs. Well fine. I am a bigger person that that, so HA HA on you. We aim to please here at Rancho FirstNations. Suckered or not, here's the continuing story of the Old Testament.
When last we left our struggling planet The humans had eaten the forbidden fruit of the tennis tree and God sicced one of his scarier angels on them to chase them from the Garden of Eden. Humanity found itself in a bleak desolation filled with prarie dogs. But they were a hardy breed, and so by dint of hard work, determination and sheer reproductory prowess they raised up great cities, governments, and armies almost literally from the dust...until the humans killed them and stole it. And promptly fucked it all up.
This one is dedicated to SurlyGirl.
Things had gotton entirely out of hand.
People were messing up an large scale. What had once been an orderly world had become a clothing optional themepark with bad water sculpture, and people were doing things with strawberries that defied description.
'Ok, thats it,' said God. "Y'all are just disgusting."
Noah and his family were the exception.
Despite a shocking lack of navigation skills, God liked the cut of their jib.God is omniscient like that. "Don't worry", said God. "All you have to do is float around for forty days and nights. And try not to sink. And keep the animals fed."
And as if on cue, The Animals showed up and scampered onto the ark. God took Noah aside and had a word with him about taking things too literally. Unfortunately, it didn't take too well, did it?
Two of every kind of animal started showing up to go onto the ark. God reassured a skeptical Mrs. Noah "It's ok, they're supposed to. Its not like it's an infestation." Although an infestation of camels would be interesting, wouldn't it? Stinky too.
But after number of alternative couples had slipped past the gate, Noah decided it would be a good idea to put his sons, Nephi and Shempy, by the door to check i.ds. Noah was a busy guy and God was up to his Godly armpits flooding the world.
As luck would have it, Sasquatch turned out to be a Cordon Bleu graduate so they put him in charge of the officers mess.
Once the world was good and flooded they started floating around and taking in the sights, which were mostly along the lines of coelecanths chowing down on all the dead bodies bobbing around. "Did anyone remember to buy groceries before we left?" Mrs. Noah asked.
That was when the pirates attacked.
Yes, it was none other than Captain Programmer, toast of the Spanish Main! With his cutlass in one hand and his other hand lost in a tragic cannery accident, he rallyed his men for an attack!
Nothing daunted, brave Noah gave the command "Stand by to repel boarders!"
Sasquatch ran out on deck and brandished the naked mole rat. The boarders were repelled. It was a Victory at Sea.
But trouble continued to dog the Ark. Ha ha, get it? Because a couple days later the cats staged a mutiny."He pours our drinking water on the breadfruit trees when people are dying of thirst!" they cried. .
While the humans were cracking up the cats regrouped to devise a better rallying cry. "Ok! We got it! Ok! They make us use a STUPID BOX to crap in! Those days are FINISHED!"
And Chaos reigned supreme.
The first item on the evil feline agenda was a change in uniform.
Finally, sick unto death of Andrew LLoyd Webber, desparate to get that 'Macavity" song out of his head, Noah regained the upper hand. "Yes, we know we belong to the land", he said, as the cats swabbed the decks morosely, chains clanking "And the land we belong to is GRAND."
Three days later Shep returned with a hemerrhoid doughnut .
The sun set on the devastated earth, as a humid stench rose in an indescribably foul cloud from the grim leavings of the flood.
Nephi and Shempy decided to grab the bull by the horns. After all, when life hands you lemons.....