Monday, May 22, 2006

NOAH AND THE ARK

THE ARK ( contemporary photograph )


This post was requested by one of pervy Frobishers friends. Suspiciously, I cannot access his suspicious blog of suspicion for some suspicious reason. I can only conjecture that it is because I am not cool enough or I have girl germs. Well fine. I am a bigger person that that, so HA HA on you. We aim to please here at Rancho FirstNations. Suckered or not, here's the continuing story of the Old Testament.
When last we left our struggling planet The humans had eaten the forbidden fruit of the tennis tree and God sicced one of his scarier angels on them to chase them from the Garden of Eden. Humanity found itself in a bleak desolation filled with prarie dogs. But they were a hardy breed, and so by dint of hard work, determination and sheer reproductory prowess they raised up great cities, governments, and armies almost literally from the dust...until the humans killed them and stole it. And promptly fucked it all up.
This one is dedicated to SurlyGirl.

Things had gotton entirely out of hand.
People were messing up an large scale. What had once been an orderly world had become a clothing optional themepark with bad water sculpture, and people were doing things with strawberries that defied description.
'Ok, thats it,' said God. "Y'all are just disgusting."








Noah and his family were the exception.
Despite a shocking lack of navigation skills, God liked the cut of their jib.God is omniscient like that. "Don't worry", said God. "All you have to do is float around for forty days and nights. And try not to sink. And keep the animals fed."




And as if on cue, The Animals showed up and scampered onto the ark. God took Noah aside and had a word with him about taking things too literally. Unfortunately, it didn't take too well, did it?






Two of every kind of animal started showing up to go onto the ark. God reassured a skeptical Mrs. Noah "It's ok, they're supposed to. Its not like it's an infestation." Although an infestation of camels would be interesting, wouldn't it? Stinky too.


But after number of alternative couples had slipped past the gate, Noah decided it would be a good idea to put his sons, Nephi and Shempy, by the door to check i.ds. Noah was a busy guy and God was up to his Godly armpits flooding the world.



Still, the fact that they had to wear helmets should have been a clue relative to their job performance.




As luck would have it, Sasquatch turned out to be a Cordon Bleu graduate so they put him in charge of the officers mess.





Once the world was good and flooded they started floating around and taking in the sights, which were mostly along the lines of coelecanths chowing down on all the dead bodies bobbing around. "Did anyone remember to buy groceries before we left?" Mrs. Noah asked.
.



That was when the pirates attacked.







Yes, it was none other than Captain Programmer, toast of the Spanish Main! With his cutlass in one hand and his other hand lost in a tragic cannery accident, he rallyed his men for an attack!

Nothing daunted, brave Noah gave the command "Stand by to repel boarders!"
Sasquatch ran out on deck and brandished the naked mole rat. The boarders were repelled. It was a Victory at Sea.




But trouble continued to dog the Ark. Ha ha, get it? Because a couple days later the cats staged a mutiny."He pours our drinking water on the breadfruit trees when people are dying of thirst!" they cried. .
While the humans were cracking up the cats regrouped to devise a better rallying cry. "Ok! We got it! Ok! They make us use a STUPID BOX to crap in! Those days are FINISHED!"








And Chaos reigned supreme.





The first item on the evil feline agenda was a change in uniform.





Finally, sick unto death of Andrew LLoyd Webber, desparate to get that 'Macavity" song out of his head, Noah regained the upper hand. "Yes, we know we belong to the land", he said, as the cats swabbed the decks morosely, chains clanking "And the land we belong to is GRAND."







Finally Noah decided to check to see if the water was going down.

Three days later Shep returned with a hemerrhoid doughnut .

Shep, as it turned out, was not a good first choice for this task.


Next he tried a dove,which proved to be a little more survival oriented than the dog.










But the flood had taken it's grisly toll. The earth was not as it had been. Needless to say, things were pretty fucked up.













But it was no longer a job for the elder generation. Mr. and Mrs. Noah, having taken a liking to the nautical life, retired to a small home in Florida




The sun set on the devastated earth, as a humid stench rose in an indescribably foul cloud from the grim leavings of the flood.

Nephi and Shempy decided to grab the bull by the horns. After all, when life hands you lemons.....


22 comments:

  1. Yay! I'm first! I'm supposed to be working so I'll be back later for looks like yet another stunningly brilliant post!

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  2. Anonymous1:43 AM

    Thank you!! Better than expected although you left off the ending where Noah sacrifices some of the animals he saved, then gets drunk and exposes himself to his sons.

    I'm sure Frobisher is a very good man and maybe even a little pervy but I do not know him from Adam or Eve. It is the equally, if not more, pervy beast fault I am here... as if I didn't have enough to do already!

    Nephi and Shempy look like people I may have dated!

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  3. Thank you FN - laughing so much I choked on my coffee!

    Where is your publishing deal?

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  4. Could it be that Chaucer is not dead at all, but alive and well at 800 and living on the Eastern seaboard of the US? Top work ...

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  5. Can you remember the time you didn't post pictures!!!

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  6. mj: fine. you work. i'll have another cup of coffee and surf some bear porn while i wait.
    hardhouse: beast blamed you on frobisher! IINNNNN-teresting......
    dang, i dropped the ball on that one. Ashamed to say I had to access a xtian site just to refresh myself on the basic story.
    handrix: sweetheart, don't choke. who will fight the revolution?
    flaneur: ooooo, you're gonna piss Chaucers Bitch right off! good gravy marie, flaneur.
    frobi: yes, yes, yes, gloat. go ahead. (ratty kisses)

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  7. I heard a great story about Andrew Lloyd Webber.
    He was complaining to some thoroughly bored celeb or other , that people seemed to take an instant dislike to him.

    The celeb haughtily looked him up and down , and then with a vicious curl of the lip , hissed
    'Well it saves time doesnt it !!!'

    Exit stage left

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  8. Yes I admit it Hardhouse is a Beast recruit....as is natemare and eccentrik(or that might have been natemare)

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  9. beast: ALW needs to be slapped immediately upon rising in the morning and then on the half-hour for the rest of the day.

    you should claim your hardhouse. even if he is a made-up hardhouse. i am not convinced he is not a fictional hardhouse.
    irregardless, have pride in your hardhouses. dont hide them behind frobisher. god knows what might happen.

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  10. F N Hardhouse , Natemare and Eccentrik are all colleagues or mates that I have managed to get blogging , there will be more to come I am sure , I concider myself a blogging pimp

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  11. ps by the look of A L W , someone has been regularly slapping him

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  12. Have you considered becoming a Sunday School teacher?

    Are you on drugs?

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  13. This is just like the book you made for me with the aliens and the invitations to a party and all the crazy families that came, only not as pretty because you've not done any drawings for your blog.
    You really should look into getting published one of these days, ma mere.

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  14. beast: fine, if you say so. IF ANYONE IS READING THIS OVER BEASTS SHOULDER TELL HIM TO GET BACK TO WORK AND QUIT SLACKIN.
    garfer: no, my darling, this is me straight. straight as a really, really straight thing that is straight. imagine the horror, then, of me on lsd!
    what makes you think i'm NOT a sunday school teacher?
    neur: what with flashing, blogging and all the grafitti, i feel i have exposure aplenty. xxxxx! you're a good daughter.

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  15. Gideons wants to offer you a book deal for your "Alternative Bible" and Andrew Lloyd Webber wants the rights for a stage production. Oh, and someone named Mr. Spielberg is on line 4.

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  16. FN since you are doing requests , I have always been strangly drawn to SAPHO QUEEN OF THE LESBIANS....crazeee name ....crazee chick , I think she is long overdue for the F N makeover.I did once have a very dodgy mousaka on the very spot she probably landed with a wet squelch after throwing herself off the cliffs at vassiliki ...in the name of unrequited love.The mousaka was possibly what was scraped up afterwards.
    I think I may relaunch myself as BEAST QUEEN OF THE LESBIANS...just because its a cool name

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  17. I think you should do the whole Moses thing. Or quite possibly the Nativity.
    See my Chrimble blog, but I'm sure you can do much better.

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  18. This is so unlike how i learned it in bible school as a kid...
    I think the priests were trying to dumb it down for us kids, eh? this version is so much more colorful and believable.

    Though Nephi and Shempy kind of give me the creeps.

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  19. mj: I have already contracted with Disney. have their people call my people.
    beast: how about Least Bean of the Quesbians? hell, i'd read it.
    noshit: strictly Old Testament, me. I aint touching the New, nuh-uh. I read your chrimble and it cracked me up! like im gonna follow that.
    claire: strangely alluring, aren't they? like a traffic accident.

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  20. Nephi and Shempy are my new pin-up boys.

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  21. very funny stuff FN. You covered just about everything! :-)

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  22. aaah - people who feel the same way about Andew Lloyd Webber as I do. I feel like I'm at home

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