Saturday, December 08, 2007

Celebrating Festive! Green Alpaca Wagers All!

And now here, for your edification, is the TRUE and ACCURATE story on the 'Pot Brownies' myth!

Alice B. Toklas was a woman who enjoyed a good meal and loved her saturated fats. So legendary became her table that Ms. Toklas was prevailed upon to write up a collection of recipes: The Alice B. Toklas Cook Book.

In this collection are many delicious things. One of the delicious things is a narcotic party nibble she presents to us with the title
'HASCHICH FUDGE (which anyone could whip up on a rainy day)'


And in fact her 'haschich' fudge is not chocolate and has no hash in it, but instead dried fruit and crumbled cannibis sativa (she also suggests indica in areas where obtaining sativa 'may present certain difficulties'.)

Her introduction to the method is priceless:

This is the food of Paradise- of Baudelaire's Artificial Paradises: it might provide an entertaining refreshment for a Ladies' Bridge Club or a chapter meeting of the DAR. In Morrocco it is thought to be good for warding off the common cold in damp winter weather and is, indeed, more effective if taken with large quantities of hot mint tea. Euphoria and brilliant storms of laughter; ecstatic reveries and extensions of one's personality on several simultaneous planes are to be complacently expected. Almost anything Saint Theresa did, you can do better if you can bear to be ravished by 'un evanouissement reveille'.

By fudge she means 'a gooey sweet thing'. I have no doubt that grated chocolate could be added to wonderful effect, particularly if the chocolate were one of the new high-percentage, low-sugar darks. Nevertheless, I present to you the recipe as she puts it down, with my paraphrase.

1 teaspoon black peppercorns,
1 whole nutmeg,
4 cinnamon sticks,
1 tsp. coriander
1/4 oz good bud, well cleaned and very dry
Pulverize all to a fine powder (a coffee grinder would work excellently here.)

One handful each, chopped fine:
stoned dates
dried figs,
shelled almonds,
shelled peanuts

Add all the above together and toss to combine.

Melt 1/3 c butter, and dissolve into this
1 cup sugar
NOTE: do not cook this mixture...simply stir the sugar into the just-melted butter and take off the fire.

Remove from heat. Cool until mixture can be handled, empty into bowl with other ingredients and stir together.
Turn out onto a cool smooth surface and knead to combine thoroughly.
Roll into a log, from which lumps may be cut and rolled into balls about the size of a walnut and dusted with powdered sugar. Try and do your best to let these sit at least overnight so that the flavors blossom. They will firm up but never quite solidify.

Ms. Toklas advises us that two of these are more than sufficient. Those of more robust or practiced liver may find that the suggested serving size must be adjusted upwards.

Hey, you know. I'm just sayin'. It's certainly not like I'd be making anything like this for Christmas eve or anything.
That would be wrong.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

ranting feminist!

One of the myriad reasons I started this blog was that I live in a very, very, very, ultra-mega conservative area of an otherwise reasonably 'Blue' state. Here, I am considered a dangerous rebel merely because I don't even fit the 'rebel' stereotypes the way I'm supposed to; FORGET the political views or any of the other weirdness. What it means is that every single day I find myself biting my tongue in the name of co-existence during the course of even the most casual social interaction. Living here has made me a lot more tolerant, but one thing that will ALWAYS ice the shit out of me are the women I run into every day, women in a free society agreeing to be slaves and raising their daughters as slaves, and calling it Christian.

We live in America and I am an American and I believe in that 'freedom of religious expression' stuff even if you don't; so that come Christmastime, if you want to plaster up 'Jesus is the Reason for the Season' all over your yard and car then go to it; you're right, after all.
As far as that goes.
You're right all the way up until you REQUIRE me to believe that the shit some of you think of as 'Christian' has anything at all to do with Jesus Christ.

Men who make their wives, mothers, sisters and daughters wear ankle-length dresses and walk behind them make me laugh. That has exactly WHAT to do with Jesus? Not letting them learn how to drive or work outside the home has exactly what to do with the Lord? NOTHING WHATSOEVER.
What it means is that your male identity and sense of self is so withered and tiny that you can't allow something with tits to imagine a life without a master. It means that what you want is a self-cleaning house slave with a vagina you can stick your dick into and pump kids out of. Any man raising a daughter who makes her submit to this kind of an upbringing should be put in jail for child abuse. How fucking dare you do this to another human being.
This is slavery training and you do it in the name of the Lord.

An adult woman in a free society who goes along with this shit deserves no respect whatsoever.

An adult woman who raises her children to believe in this shit deserves to be shot in the back of the head.

You have a choice in this country and look what you chose. Yeah, I know why most of you babes are foaming conservatives. Wouldn't life be better if everyone HAD to be conservative? And devout? Preferably your brand of devout? That way you would be totally relieved of that bad ol' responsibility for your own lives!

And then you could blame everything on men. Then you could pretend that everything was somebody else's fault.

Women like you make me ashamed. And sick.

The thing that really puts the cap on all that is the fact that you don't even know how to do your own religion right you ignorant chunks of fuck.

Jesus forgave a prostitute. Not just a woman, not just an unmarried woman who sinned, but A PROSTITUTE.
So what?
Remember what he said? Who among you is without sin then cast the first stone?
You all kind of forget that, don't you.

Do you know what it meant to be a prostitute back then? Just how far outside society you had to be in order to make a living fucking without getting killed?

A prostitute went uncovered-no veil. No chador. Nothing over her head. No hiding. That she was even acknowledged so far as to have this restriction put on her should be making even a retard suspicious at this point. If it was so bad, then why......even allow it?
But no! No, y'all don't even turn an eyelash.

A prostitute lived in a perpetual state of ritual uncleanliness. For her orthodox customers this meant the sacrifice of a few animals and the payment of a fine. For her it mean that Gods face and everyone elses' was turned away from her and that every waking moment of her life was lived under immanent threat of death.

In a society that offered the option of a temporary marriage (and still does) a woman desparate enough to resort to prostitution had to have a lot going against her. It meant that she was ugly, or destitute, maybe deformed in some way, or a victim of rape or incest who had been put out of her family, or a widow nobody wanted. Or maybe, worst of all possible scenarios, she had a riproaring sex drive for whatever reason...don't imagine that clinical nymphomania, hypersexuality or just plain liking lots of sex with strangers are modern inventions. In any case, a prostitute was a throwaway human being, nominated as such by the tacit consent of EVERYONE who allowed her to continue unmarried and alive.
That's right.

Here's a group of hypocritical people ready to stone another human being to death merely because that persons 'sin' was obvious, when they all shared the same stain to whatever

Jesus came along and called them on this bullshit.

In one sweeping moment, one of the greatest moments in the New Testament, he cast all that into the sewer where it belonged. But he didn't simply stand at the sidelines and deplore it. He physically stepped into the middle of a circle of armed people who had the 'law' on their side, PREVENTED THE MURDER AND LET HER GO.
Your God did this. In a human, killable form. Because it was the right thing to do.

And you? Throw you daughters out onto the street for not being virgins.
Another sweet trick you like to pull is known as the 'abusive home birth'. My daughters midwife clued me in about this one. Your unmarried teenage girl gets pregnant? Then she has it. At home. On the floor. Without medication.
You utter bitches.

Now if you believe Catholic tradition (which most of you do but would rather cut your own throats than admit to- or are too ignorant of religious history to even know that you believe it in the first place), Jesus allowed this same woman, Mary Magdalene, to wash his feet and dry them with her hair.

Do you really understand the significance of that act?

Would you let pig lick your feet? Would you consider that an honor? No you wouldn't and you probably aren't even Jewish or Middle Eastern.*
A prostitute was lower than a pig in those days, and a pig was an absolute abomination and horror.
Now here comes a Middle Eastern man who is an orthodox Jew. And, arguably, God in human flesh.
As a human male in that time and place, he knew the score. He knew what prostitutes did. And of course as God he was perfectly aware of it; this was his creation, these supposedly his rules.
The point is, he knew what he 'risked' by coming into contact with her or even entering her home.


As a middle eastern, single man he entered the home of an unmarried woman who had no male family members around to 'supervise'.
Furthermore, she was a prostitute.
As God in human flesh,
He accepted her.
He accepted her honor.
He accepted that she COULD honor him.
He acccepted her hospitality.
He accepted her on the exact same level with the exact same graciousness that he accepted everyone else...the lepers he cured, the men he called friends and brothers, his mother, the dying, children, ANYONE.

And when he did this he ended up having to tell his followers off and set them straight, because his followers were absolutely horrified and acted like a bunch of morons.

They still do.

*Or a pig farmer (shhh, malc.)

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

quaint vignettes from my charming rural idyll

THANK YOU ALL! You saved the day!!!

...Captain Pork Products emerges from the underbrush

I am impressed. I had no idea there were so many snack-like things in the world. I'm not going to say who's ideas made the cut and who's did not because then certain people (who know who they are) would be all like "Woo woo! I'm all hot! You're not snot! Loser, loser, loser-pants! Couldn't get in to the King of France! Underpants! Underpants!" and that's really immature.
We don't do immaturity around here.

Once again its time for the annual 'Oh My God We ALL Gonna DIE Festival of Morons" here in Western Washington as the rain rains and the wind winds.

Click for the making of bigness:

This happened last year. And you all had the same exact cow last year. What the fuck.

Most of you haven't even scrubbed the high-water marks from last year off your living room walls yet and you're acting like this shit never happened before. You live in a flood zone. It flooded the first winter you moved in. It's flooded every year thereafter.
It just flooded again.
And every year we end up rescuing the same stupid group of you off your roofs and
out of your cars. Oh yes. Because when there's water over the roadway and it's 2 feet deep, and there's a current, with whitecaps, and migrating salmon, AND THE POLICE ARE GOING PAST IN ZODIAC BOATS WITH BULLHORNS TELLING YOU TO STAY IN YOUR HOUSES THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD DO IS GO HOP IN THE CAR AND TAKE A FUCKING DRIVE!! OH HELL YES! LETS ALL PILE INTO THE GREMLIN AND HEAD DOWN TO WAL-MART!!! WE'LL STOCK UP ON BRATZ DOLLS!!!

Meanwhile here in the Zone of Mystery things are damp; we have rain, there are puddles...a few downed's a balmy 52 degrees out and my rose bush has broken blossom.

Recall, though; this is not the Zone of Mystery because it isn't zonal or mysterious. I've done posts on the weird shit we call weather here...upside-down canopies of rain, small local tornadoes, no flooding when the rest of the state is under water...

Seattle-King County weather -rain
sumas- SNOW
Seattle-King County weather -sunny, fair
Seattle-King County weather - gale force winds, freezing rain

Come the heavy snows down south we'll see the same thing. OO look, a blizzard! Let's all pile into the Yugo and head out down I-5 with nothing registering on the fuel gauge and no windshield wipers, get in a wreck, sit in the car and drink piss for three days and then bitch about how the highway department doesn't keep the roads clear.

Then there's always:

" We were cold so we decided to seal up all the doors and windows with duct tape and fire up the barbecue in the baby's room and now we just can't figure out why we're ALL DEAD"

"The power went out so we plugged in every electrical appliance we own and turned them all on so that we'd know when the electricity came back and now we can't figure out WHY OUR HOUSE BURNED DOWN AND WE'RE ALL DEAD"

"We bought this really shitty 40 year old single-wide mobile home right at the bottom of this freshly-clearcut hillside and then the rain came and there was a mudslide and now my home is a 'not-wide' and so am I OH WHY IS GOD SO CRUEL"

" Well yes I've been sitting in front of the television eating Fritos for six years and I have a heart condition and yes as a matter of fact I don't drive but I had to go outside in the blizzard and shovel the snow off the driveway because I didn't spend all that money on plastic flamingoes just to let the rest of the place go to hell AND NOW MY STUPID ASS IS DEAD AND IT SNOWED ON ME AND NOBODY WILL NOTICE UNTIL IT THAWS AND THE NEIGHBORS' DOGS START EATING MY FACE"

"So we live in a 3 million dollar hillside home perched on two-by-fours bolted into a sandstone formation facing south overlooking Puget Sound and once the winds and the rains picked up there was this loud cracking sound and now we can't figure out why everything is upside down or WHY THERE ARE SQUID COMING IN UNDER THE FRONT DOOR OR WHY WE ALL DROWNED"

"I don't understand why I can't hike 2 miles down to the mailbox in a northeaster wearing nothing but a robe and barefoot in the middle of winter if I want to by God this is America and it's a free country EXCEPT OF COURSE NOW I'M TOO DAMN DEAD TO APPRECIATE THAT FACT"
...Oh say, lets not forget the upcoming holiday season!

Nothing says "I care about my loved ones" more than dying on the side of a glacier as a result of your own selfishness and lack of forethought just in time for Christmas!

Imagine their festive glee as they celebrate a Christmas forever overshadowed by the anniversary of your stupidass demise!

Yes, throw out those tire chains, leave that gps locational device at home! The alpine summits beckon and the sun is going down...there's a blizzard predicted so lets bring the kids!!
Dress lightly! Adidas are fine! Oh, lets take the Volkswagen! NO, silly, the vintage bug; the one with no heater, bald tires and the tiny engine powered by burning scraps of paper! Now I'll forget to take a map and you put your cell phone right here in the washing machine. Did you tell anyone we had plans? No? Good! Spontaneity!