Friday, October 19, 2007

Good enough

Back during the 3 1/2 years* I attended high school the number of guys who asked me out could be counted on the fingers of one hand and leave two fingers to spare. Why? Did I have a bunch of ticks stuck to my face? Did I vomit tapeworm segments? Not usually. I was a nice looking young woman. I was relatively popular by my senior year, I wore OK clothes...I bathed...girls uglier and bitchier than me were going out...?

The answer? Apparently I was not 'cool' enough.

Ah, but once I graduated and it no longer became a matter of qualifying as a peer trophy, all of a sudden the same guys who never gave me a glance were hitting on me like a pack of boner chihuahuas.
Boner chihuahuas who all went home alone.

Yes, once free of the gulag-I mean, once I'd graduated-I discovered an amazing fact: Adult mammals want to have sex with other adult mammals. Even if the other mammals had never been in Varsity Cheer.
All that worry and torment and yecch I'd put into fearing that I'd never be 'worthy', that I was damaged goods or I wasn't pretty enough or cool enough; whoosh, out the window. Gone. Everyone into the pool! Even girl nerds!

Here's what I mean. Try this fun** experiment:
1. Disable the 'Safe Search' function on your browser. Completely. 'Safe Search is OFF'.
Search the phrase 'fat women'.
Uh huh.
Now 'fat men'.
'Sex Clubs [your town]'. 'Adult Only Nudist [your town]'. 'Old man'. 'Old woman'.

2. Flick through the galleries of some of those sites you find (quickly.)

Those aren't hot models. Oh Lordy me, those are NOT hot models.
Despite which they seem to be -ahem- enjoying themselves, don't they?
And there sure are a lot of them, huh? Having lots of fun in their less-than-perfect bodies with their less-than-perfect partners.

Gracious! Might 'youthful perfection' not really matter quite as much as we've been lead to believe?
Could it be that, unlike health, cleanliness and approximate bilateral symmetry, it might not even HAVE to matter?

Pretty much.

Need more proof?


Remember George???*** Raving batshit nuts, ugly, chain smoking, teeth falling out, smells like a butthole, Jesus somebody Febreeze the furniture after George?
He was married to a woman who looked like Alley Oop.
Since last we visited George, he traded up.
George is now banging an educated, attractive woman with a job and a house.
Believe me when I tell you that youthful perfection was never a factor for George, let alone health, cleanliness or approximate bilateral symmetry.
is getting PLAY.

The option of emulating Barbie and spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on plastic surgery exists, true. But what does that get you in the end?
Besides the Vicodin? Exactly what everyone else gets.

Pamela Anderson has been the victim of repeated domestic assault by a junkie.
Paris Hilton is on her third suicide attempt (and everyone's seen what she lets come in her mouth. Bet she's done George.)
Kenny Rogers is still a drunk and a wife beater, and now he looks like he thawed out inside a plastic bag, too.

Youthful perfection, no matter how much you buy, makes no difference.
Money makes no difference.
Celebrity makes no difference.
Furthermore, if you expect people to be so obsessed with YOUR looks that you find it necessary go in every three years to have your face peeled off your skull and then reattached with fucking SCREWS AND WIRE, then you exponentially increase the chances that you will get...what?

Someone so obsessed with your looks that they REQUIRE you to go in every three years and have your face peeled off your skull and reattached with fucking SCREWS AND WIRE.

And you know what the punchline is? YOU GET OLD ANYWAY.

Unless you are my father-in-law.

*I graduated early. Doubled up on those credits and lit out of there like my ass was on fire. I didn't even attend graduation.

**Providing you define fun the same way I do. Is this too much information?

Oh go ahead. Get re-acquainted with George:
Paul. Because 'Paul' is a nice name.: more fun with george

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Black Lynx Caution the Five Angry Diatom!

q: What is a dugong?

The dugong is a member of a small group of aquatic mammals known as 'Sirenia'. Other members include the manatee (which is not nearly as fun a word to say as 'dugong' so we'll just pretend that it doesn't exist) and the (now extinct) Stellars' Sea Cow.

...yes, it's two you-know-what-atees. it's my blog and i'm calling them dugongs.

...which was in fact not terribly cow-like; it was more like a big hippo-seal type thing.
Although it would be really cool if it HAD been like an aquatic cow and it gave milk and said 'moo'? and like maybe it had these huge horns that stuck out REALLY FAR and they would stampede and they'd get in cool fights and stuff? and divers could go down and have rodeos and the seaweed would be like tumbleweeds?

Centuries ago, the first Dugong sightings were reported in the logbooks of Spanish sailors who (upon seeing the bald, grey, flippered animals swimming around chewing on seaweed and burping) immediately mistook them for a race of seagoing human women.

This may say more about Spanish femininity than we care to know.

q: Where do dugongs come from?
a: Duh; the ocean.
q: Oh Jesus fine. What is the life cycle of the dugong?
a: Ah. Well then. That's an interesting question.

When a mommy dugong and a daddy dugong love one another very much, they want to share that love with a baby dugong. So the Mommy dugong lies on her back, and the daddy dugong orders one from Ikea.
But ordering from Ikea can take time, and sometimes the quality sucks, so the smart mommy and daddy dugong usually go to the KING OF THE DUGONGS and ask him for one.; it gets bigger. waaaaaaaay bigger.

This is the beginning of a magical, mysterious process that has very seldom been documented on film. Are you paying attention? I said put down the damn ocarina and pay attention. I don't care if it's called a sweet potato in the rural South put the damn thing DOWN.

Opie, King of the Dugongs, goes out to a sacred place far, far back in the woods where small dugong bulbs lay dormant in the soil. At his command, a small gnome-like creature emerges from the grass and begins excavating.

It digs and digs and digs and digs, throwing soil everywhere and getting exceedingly filthy...soil in its ears, soil in its butt crack, soil absolutely everywhere.

The gnome-like creature flings dirt up in a huge circle, digging furiously, like a small cat trying to bury a large poo.
A lot of the dirt goes into its mouth. A lot of it ends up on the roof of it's grandmothers garden shed.

...until finally, the first tiny newborn dugong emerges.

Close enough.

q: Is communication with dugongs possible?
Yes! Recent experiments using extra sensory perception have yielded undreamed-of results in the field of dugong-human communication.

Here a diver uses the 'mind meld' technique.

"Can you understand me, fellow earth dweller? Gentle giant of the sea, can you understand me?"


Q: Do dugongs spy on America and then give all our secrets to hostile foreign powers?
a: Yes. they sneak up on your when you are swimming and yell "DUGONG!" in your ear real loud and then swim away.

Dugongs SUCK.

q: Do dugongs migrate?

a: During certain times of the year the trans-oceanic currents shift, and with this shift comes a subtle change in the temperature of the sea. ...image of migrating dugongs thanks to KYAHGIRL

This is the signal that the dugongs have been waiting for.
Once a reliable source of medical-grade helium has been found and the deliveries completed, they line up along the shore in the light of the full moon, wait for a favorable wind, and ascend towards the stars.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

What you should know about...FLUFFY KITTENS

The human race may not agree about many things, but everyone loves a sweet, fluffy kitten! Nobody who has ever cradled one in their hands and listened to that sweet, miniature purr can disagree.

No matter the breed...from the plainest, rough-and tumble- barn tabby to the pampered elegance of the pedigreed Persian, there's just something about a tiny kitten that makes the human heart melt.

So you want a pet? Thinking about a kitten? A place by the fire and a bowl of milk may have suited old Tom, but there's more than that to caring for a young kitten responsibly.


Immediately after birth, the kitten should be examined carefully and the venom extracted. The amount will vary according to factors like gender, breed and order of birth.

A kitten from which the venom has not been successfully extracted will develop some troubling physical characteristics by the second week.

Once again, the traits your kitten displays will be influenced by a number of variables. The deadly 'Cthulhu' form is a rare recessive and is found mainly near the earths magnetic poles.

'Carniverous Lemurosid Bipedalism' in an unsuccessfully expressed kitten, New South Wales. Remodellers later discovered it, already midway through it's first pupation, in a cocoon beneath the house. Stinger and clasping mouthparts were present.

Mephitic Alopecia in a 2 week old kitten, Bournemouth, Dorset, UK. This family lost several dogs before the disorder was properly diagnosed; although not before the blood-sucking proboscis had developed.


Old wives tales hold that a kitten cannot be trained. Nothing could be more far from the truth! Countless people have enjoyed the hours of companionship and fun that raining a kitten affords! And nothing is more engaging than to have the smallest and cutest member of the family do a 'star turn' when company comes to call!

For years French children have trained their kittens to jump through a hoop. This simple trick is accomplished with a willow hoop and a stick, which is used to 'persuade' the kitten that this is a good idea.

Remember: proper technique is important...a fact which beloved mime Marcel Marceau discovered much too late.

Your kitten can be trained to use the toilet-it's a fact! Using methods originally popularized by jazz legend Charles Mingus*, relatively inexpensive products are now widely available that include everything you need.

More than likely you'll find this process a lot more entertaining than your cat will.


Even though your new kitten may be cute enough to eat, we don't gnaw on our kitty.

Have you ever tried to make a man lactate by putting him in a training bra and sticking a kitten on his tit?

It doesn't work.

Remember to READ THE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY before you use your kitten as the meat component in a cybernetic organism.

Threading the kitten is tricky. HAVE PATIENCE...and don't forget your sense of humor! Soon you'll be making beautiful area rugs, bathmats and hall runners that your family will admire for years to come!


Using a little good sense and a lot of love, your kitten will give you many happy years of companionship. Nothing rivals the feeling that you get from nurturing a small, helpless life, watching it change, and grow...

...and grow, and divide, and shed toxic spores, and


*Bullshit, right?
Hint: his cats' name was 'Nightlife'.