Back during the 3 1/2 years* I attended high school the number of guys who asked me out could be counted on the fingers of one hand and leave two fingers to spare. Why? Did I have a bunch of ticks stuck to my face? Did I vomit tapeworm segments? Not usually. I was a nice looking young woman. I was relatively popular by my senior year, I wore OK clothes...I bathed...girls uglier and bitchier than me were going out...?
The answer? Apparently I was not 'cool' enough.
Ah, but once I graduated and it no longer became a matter of qualifying as a peer trophy, all of a sudden the same guys who never gave me a glance were hitting on me like a pack of boner chihuahuas.
Boner chihuahuas who all went home alone.
HA.
Yes, once free of the gulag-I mean, once I'd graduated-I discovered an amazing fact: Adult mammals want to have sex with other adult mammals. Even if the other mammals had never been in Varsity Cheer.
Huh.
All that worry and torment and yecch I'd put into fearing that I'd never be 'worthy', that I was damaged goods or I wasn't pretty enough or cool enough; whoosh, out the window. Gone. Everyone into the pool! Even girl nerds!
Here's what I mean. Try this fun** experiment:
1. Disable the 'Safe Search' function on your browser. Completely. 'Safe Search is OFF'.
Search the phrase 'fat women'.
Uh huh.
Now 'fat men'.
'Sex Clubs [your town]'. 'Adult Only Nudist [your town]'. 'Old man'. 'Old woman'.
WOW! LOOKIT ALL THE PORN UNDER THESE CATEGORIES!
2. Flick through the galleries of some of those sites you find (quickly.)
Those aren't hot models. Oh Lordy me, those are NOT hot models.
Despite which they seem to be -ahem- enjoying themselves, don't they?
And there sure are a lot of them, huh? Having lots of fun in their less-than-perfect bodies with their less-than-perfect partners.
Gracious! Might 'youthful perfection' not really matter quite as much as we've been lead to believe?
Could it be that, unlike health, cleanliness and approximate bilateral symmetry, it might not even HAVE to matter?
DID MY TELEVISION LIE TO ME?
Pretty much.
Need more proof?
George.
Remember George???*** Raving batshit nuts, ugly, chain smoking, teeth falling out, smells like a butthole, Jesus somebody Febreeze the furniture after George?
Him.
He was married to a woman who looked like Alley Oop.
Since last we visited George, he traded up.
George is now banging an educated, attractive woman with a job and a house.
Believe me when I tell you that youthful perfection was never a factor for George, let alone health, cleanliness or approximate bilateral symmetry.
Still.
George is getting PLAY.
The option of emulating Barbie and spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on plastic surgery exists, true. But what does that get you in the end?
Besides the Vicodin? Exactly what everyone else gets.
Pamela Anderson has been the victim of repeated domestic assault by a junkie.
Paris Hilton is on her third suicide attempt (and everyone's seen what she lets come in her mouth. Bet she's done George.)
Kenny Rogers is still a drunk and a wife beater, and now he looks like he thawed out inside a plastic bag, too.
Youthful perfection, no matter how much you buy, makes no difference.
Money makes no difference.
Celebrity makes no difference.
Furthermore, if you expect people to be so obsessed with YOUR looks that you find it necessary go in every three years to have your face peeled off your skull and then reattached with fucking SCREWS AND WIRE, then you exponentially increase the chances that you will get...what?
Someone so obsessed with your looks that they REQUIRE you to go in every three years and have your face peeled off your skull and reattached with fucking SCREWS AND WIRE.
And you know what the punchline is? YOU GET OLD ANYWAY.
Unless you are my father-in-law.
________________________________
*I graduated early. Doubled up on those credits and lit out of there like my ass was on fire. I didn't even attend graduation.
**Providing you define fun the same way I do. Is this too much information?
***Oh go ahead. Get re-acquainted with George:
Paul. Because 'Paul' is a nice name.: more fun with george
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I didn't think I was popular in highschool. I was a goofball and although very active, I was shunned by the popular folks of my race. After leaving school, all of a sudden all my peers started coming up to me, declaring my popularity and wanting to go out. I think its funny how the same folks who didn't talk to me all of a sudden want to hang out. Whatevah!
ReplyDeleteI'm average looking and not rich, that should be enough, right?
ReplyDelete"george" links: no es bueno! Redo!
ReplyDeleteDid you know Leonard Nimoy does pictures of BBW? They're pretty. And cottage-cheesy. And big.
awaiting: funny how that works, isn't it? yeah, i got to laugh in their faces. anyway, by that time i'd discovered COLLEGE MEN! and punk musicians, and addicts...
ReplyDelete'shot: it's worked like magic for me! that and the 15 year old 'Cosmo Kramer' t shirt with corn fragments stuck all over it.
SSA: i fixeded it. nimoy also does cheesecake nudes wearing teffelin. i can't say i think much of that.
Kenny Rogers?
ReplyDeleteI was young, cute and smart in high school and got absolutely no play. I am now old, dumb, fat, unemployed and have a giant hole in my leg, and have the incredibly hot and fabulous Mrs. Nator.
If I knew this was the secret, I would never have dieted or avoided farting in public.
I'm always getting searches in my stats for old women in suspenders and stockings, toothless grannies, people looking for pictures of enormous women ... so you must have a point. Mind you, I should imagine toothless grannies would do well to be afraid of men who are interested in toothless grannies. It may not be a match made in heaven.
ReplyDeleteMy Eyes, my eyes......quick someone get me bleach....a toilet brush....something to get rid of those images........yeeeeeessssh, that was evil incarnate......that was my ultimate nightmare brought to full technicolour, that was........PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE MY GRAN getting sweaty.......
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that there's proof that sex does not evaporate as soon as you turn 70, but for crying out loud, I'll never be able to look at a toilet plunger in quite the same fashion.....
In highschool, I talked to most everybody, got crucified (not literally) by some lassies in the year above because most of my friends were male I think and spent most of my time daydreaming. I was also into older men; (I fell for an ice-rink steward when I was 16...he was 23,) so the whole boyfriend thing bypassed me pretty much.
Good times.
Now I really must go and get the nail brush....there are still some images clinging stubbornly to the inside of my eyelids....EWWWWWW:
XX
I always went for the brains over the beauty. Much more interesting to be able to talk over breakfast, instead of just calling a cab.
ReplyDeleteExcept Playboy finds it hard to capture brains in a picture, and from the Girls Next Door tv show Hef doesn't seem to care much about brains anyway.
More proof that celebrity and looks don't make for happiness:
ReplyDeleteHalle Berry's ex-husband cheated on her many times.
By the way, my "safe search" function is always off.
Halle Berry's ex-husband was married to a pychopath.
ReplyDeleteAgain ladies, I'm average to below-average looking, poor, with no prospects of improving my lot in life...right up your alley, right?
Rimshot, Hey if you can make a lass laugh, then you don't need money, also knowing how to make cocktails is a skill that many men lack, you're in the lead there hun and looks wise, unless there's a large, open and infected wound covering most of your face, I'd say it doesn't matter and shouldn't, what you look like.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I needed this. It won't stop the age discrimination I'm experiencing as I look for a job but it might give me enough confidence to try dating again.
ReplyDeleteI know, I heard about the jewish nudies.
ReplyDeleteit's sacri-licious!
danator: kenny rogers just had the worst plastic surgery since Mary Tyler Moore.
ReplyDeletebetty: judging from the hallway creeping that goes on at my father-in-laws residence the toothless grannies are doing JUST FINE for themselves.
pumpkin: well, you were brave anyway. hey, want the link to 'Strange Insertions'??????
joe: you say that now. back in high school i bet you were just as obsessed with the 'Jan Brady' type as the rest of the guys were *snif* yeah.
mj: did you know that halle's dad is Gordon from Sesame Street?
'shot: a little bitter, are we? I've got some handy hints coming right up!
punkie: that's right. and also being able to discuss David Lynch movies intelligently. and tattoos. and owning a Harley.
21 mom: good for you. i am one of these people that likes to see everyone in love and paired off. go for it!
"having your face reattached with screws and wire gets you what..."
ReplyDeleteGets you frisked at airport security gates!
And for some sad souls being patted down by someone in a uniform is a high.They should, instead, get a blog, then they could read your sage advice!
FN: Halle's dad was Gordon?!
ReplyDeleteRimshot: You were a cute baby though.
At least you can find some comfort in that.