Monday, October 22, 2007

GO GET LAID updated! a couple times!

What I've learned in 47 years about meeting prospective partners:

... and no this is not bullshit, this is completely serious, I mean it, it's all worked for me and it still works for me even though I'm no longer looking...

1. Be female and married. Nothing brings the men parachuting down from the fricken' skies like being an unavailable fat woman married to a large, dangerous man. WTF?

2. Shop in the right store. Do you buy socket wrenches in the lingerie section at Sears? No. So then, if you want to meet serious minded people with jobs and money, the loud redneck dance bar on 'Bodyshot Thursdays' might not be the best place to go looking to meet one. This might be a fun place to take someone on a date*, yes... but not such a good place to meet that someone.

Example: Looking for a man with a job who doesn't spend all his time partying? Straight or gay, your chances will be better if you look in places where single men who are not partying are. Auto parts stores, car dealerships, the Harley place (which is a total meat rack anymore; its embarrassing. I strongly suggest that if you're middle aged and you're looking for a single person with dollars, GO NOW.) union halls, construction companies, sports equipment stores, the outdoorsmans' show... or simply go to the number one place to meet single men with jobs and cash: AN ANTIQUE CAR/MOTORCYCLE SHOW, SWAP MEET OR BLESSING.
YES.
Finding an available man at one of these events is as easy as dropping your keys on the floor. It's like a department store. Want a late model? Vintage? Looking for a Rolls Royce person as opposed to a Harley-Davidson person? Pick your 'vehicle'; there's a swap meet happening nearby. The only thing easier would be whapping them over the head with a pitching wedge.

STUDLY RAT FROBISHER ADDS THESE TOP TIPS:
Lorry/Truck parks long distance truck drivers have to park up. Go along to your local and strike up conversation with these men, they are probably lonely and could do with the "company". You'll be surprised how friendly they are. The motto is what happens on the road, stays on the road

become a Taxi driver do the night shifts, this way you can meet like minded people, especially when the pubs/clubs chuck out. If they can't pay the fare demand sexual favours.

become a Policeman/Fireman wear your uniform all the time. You instantly become a cock magnet.

Army camps/Naval bases travel broadens the minds, and if your going to a war zone your not going to be worried about a bit of leapfrog. Also drinking games and unusual male bonding practices can make for a fun evening.

HENDRIX ADDS:
"...guitar shops are a good place to meet guys too (it worked for me). But in order to meet guys with cash keep away from the cut price Japanese Fenders... you should aim to loiter near the Martin twelve string or the Gibsons."

3. Used book stores are dens of SIN. Honestly, trust me on this. I have done REAL WELL at these places, boys and girls. Horny, sex-obsessed book nerds are just waiting to drag you behind the stacks and show you their Edgar Allen Poe tattoo. Hang around your favorite titles and look thoughtful. Men: Be outgoing and approachable. Pick a target and ask book-related questions (and for the love of God AVOID THE SUBSEQUENT TEMPTATION to be a bombastic ass and 'impress' me with your superior knowledge, because it ain't, and you won't.) Wear tweed, a leather jacket or adopt the (recently bathed) emo look and you will be fine. Women: It's easy: anything low cut will do. In fact, simply being friendly and recognizably female will do over by the 'Science Fiction' paperbacks. Otherwise, simply pick out a likely prospect and ask them a book question or where you might find something. You'll be bent over the encyclopedias calling on God before you know it. Better yet? WORK at one of these places. Because, just, yeah.

4. Another place I've done really well is THE MUSEUM. You already have something to talk about, and you can wander around smiling and doing the 'Ooo, you caught me looking at you! Whoopsie!' flirty thing to good effect as you pretend to admire the Honore Dumaurier cartoons. Think about it - who WOULDN'T be flattered thinking that you find them more fun to look at than the priceless works of art on display? Even if you don't score you'll not have wasted an evening. It's a win-win sitch.

5. ART STUDENTS are ANIMALS. You get a roomful of people at evening figure study class all in one room drawing naked starving college students, with the smell of charcoal fixative and linseed oil lingering in the air....it's like mating season at the boner chihuahua ranch out in the parking lot afterward. And during the breaks. And in the hall outside the restroom. And during class when you ask someone to help you with the highlighting and they come over and you stand close together and speak softly and you can smell their hair and....mm-hm. You don't even have to know how to draw. In fact, it's a given that you draw shitty. Why else would you be there?


NOW GO FORTH AND BE FABULOUS!
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*except on 'Bodyshot Thursdays' because that's just asking for trouble.

22 comments:

  1. Just don't be browsing through the self-help section in the bookstore.

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  2. So, if I'm at the art museum, sketching in my 'student' newsprint book/pad, with a couple of used books on harleys and rolls royces under my arm...

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  3. Do dugongs factor into any of this at all?

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  4. mj: the voice of experience, folks...you heard it here.

    'shot: nothing will happen. unless you're writing 'I GIVE FACE' on the notepad and you intend to circulate around the exhibits waving it above your head.

    mj: dugongs figure PROMINENTLY.

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  5. I've seen Rimshot do just that.

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  6. omg...you cracked me up...it is so true though...although i am a mere 45...i have noticed the same. bookstores and galleries are so full of the sexually repressed it is incredible...just think...for a man to sit there looking at pictures...he has to be missing something somewhere now doesn't he...:)

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  7. FN your an inspiration , I shall stop hanging around the 'Reduced to Clear' counter in the supermarket ......I figured 'you be looking for cheap nearly spoiled meat' ......HELLO :-).
    And shall adopt a new approach and start lurking in the local car parts store and bookshops.

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  8. Forget carfully applied make up. Nothing quite as sexy as a chick in a boiler suit at an autofactors with a streak of grease across her cheek and forehead.

    The reverse is true. Guys hang out at she shops, hair dressers. Take dancing or cooking lessons.

    For that something extra and exotic, hang around the ladyboy district.

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  9. NOT SHE SHOPS!

    Shoe shops.

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  10. Hmmm - not bad FN, but you missed some obvious ones.

    Lorry/Truck parks long distance truck drivers have to park up. Go along to your local and strike up conversation with these men, they are probably lonely and could do with the "company". You'll be surprised how friendly they are. The motto is what happens on the road, stays on the road

    become a Taxi driver do the night shifts, this way you can meet like minded people, especially when the pubs/clubs chuck out. If they can't pay the fare demand sexual favours.

    become a Policeman/Fireman wear your uniform all the time. You instantly become a cock magnet.

    Army camps/Naval bases travel broadens the minds, and if your going to a war zone your not going to be worried about a bit of leapfrog. Also drinking games and unusual male bonding practices can make for a fun evening.

    I do hope these tips will be useful for your readers, FN. Anyone got any other suggestions?

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  11. Well this is all very well and good, but where I live there is no museum, nor art gallery, I do not want to meet smelly men and so will not hang around manly shops. I hardly ever meet anyone new..:-((

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  12. mutley...if you aren't wanting to meet a smelly man...perhaps you should hang out at the laundrymat...of course that means he doesn't have money or he would have his own...but eh...his clothes are clean :)

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  13. hendrix3:24 AM

    You see, I wish I'd known all this when I was single. It would have saved years.

    Oh and guitar shops are a good place to meet guys too (it worked for me). But in order to meet guys with cash keep away from the cut price Japanese Fenders... you should aim to loiter near the Martin twelve string or the Gibsons.

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  14. DAISY: Our "town tramp" hung out at the laundrymat. And by that term I mean the girl who did everybody.

    HENDRIX: Stay well away from the guys playing "Stairway to Heaven."

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  15. mj: AND YOU JUST LET HIM WALK BY???

    daisy: welcome! i don't know about repressed; the people i met were very enthusiastic about pressing. VERY.

    beast: supermarkets are great! hang around the asprin section until someone cute shows up and tell them 'HERES the cure, baby'.

    tick: I've heard the cooking classes one works like magic, actually. our professional chefs class at college was a soap opera!

    tick2: you know what you meant.

    frobi: BRILLIANT!

    muttley: WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE DATE THIS DOG? HE'S ONE OF THE SWEETEST, MOST CREATIVE, FUNNIEST PEOPLE ON THE DAMN INTERNET.
    i hope that helped.

    daisy: see above!!!!

    hendrix: oo, i thought about that one! you're absolutely right! but i wanted to include the places where i'd had GOOD luck. all the guys i ever met at music stores were LAME. lame, lame, very lame, so very, very lame.....although i learned how to play the opening riff to '98 or 64' REALLY WELL.

    mj: down here 'tramps' is pretty much what you find hanging around in the laundromat. homeless ones that yell at invisible cars.

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  16. Eat your heart out Asexuals!

    What a great team effort. This is fabulous information. If I wasn't deleriously happy in my marriage (she may read this you just never know) I would run, not walk, hmm prolly saunter, to over-indulge in a smorgasbord of serial monogamous misadventure in all of these locations.

    FN, men love married women because they know from experience how unromantic (crappy) their 'relations' are and though it seems like a challenge they think that they are getting away with something because they have 'inside-her' information.
    Sad but true.

    For modern men just staying alive was once in and of itself a huge advantage..the ratio of insatiable nympho-octogenarian women to men (with working parts) is staggering..

    although social equality is starting to glean the female segment of the herd with heart disease and other workplace-related-bullsh*t-stress-induced-ailments that were once supposedly exclusive to men.

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  17. "First Nations said...
    mj: AND YOU JUST LET HIM WALK BY???"

    Obviously, the bi-polar dyke has no taste.


    FN: did you mean "25 or 6 to 4" by Chicago?

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  18. homoE: boy are they barking up the wrong tree if that's the mindset they're going in with.

    mj is not a bipolar dyke. she is a North American long-necked cheezer. and NO, DUH, i meant '98 or 64'. you know, by the...um, you know, the...
    *blush*
    LOOK! A FLYING SAUCER!
    *runs*

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  19. '98 or 64'? I think you mean the first numbers of each.
    Truck parks - and find out what's in that big cab, right.
    I'm more for the intellectuals and go for the bookstore or museum.

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  20. *ignores Rimshot and FN*

    Mutley may be sweet, creative and funny but he sheds and he slobbers.

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  21. MJ I shed , slobber and fart the national anthem , so Mr Mutley is Prince Charming by comparison


    PS : thats a tenner now Mr M

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  22. Beast: You fart the national anthem?

    You're a catch.

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