Wednesday, October 24, 2007

MISSING ANY HOUSEPETS? LOOK NO FURTHER!

Halloween is the best holiday on the calendar, always has been, always will be. Unless you are a pagan and live in Washington, in which case you have to go over to Sucia Island and stand around naked in the rain all night chanting. Me, I would rather dress up in my death metal outfit and hand out candy to little kids.

I have this whole decorating scheme that I've done for the last few years that I think is pretty effective. There's a carved pumpkin on the front railing, nothing spectacular, maybe a line of lanterns leading up to the front door...ah, but once that door opens!
...rancho FirstNations...the deceptively charming exterior .

The whole room is lit with candles. Candles everywhere. Standing in the center of the room is a small table, draped to the floor in folds of black velvet and covered with ANIMAL SKULLS. In the center is a 'grimoire' with a goblet full of 'blood' (Mountain Dew Code Red) glimmering next to it. On each side of this book a coyote skull rests on it's fangs with bundles of incense tapers stuck in the eye sockets, smouldering away.
The centerpiece at the top of the display is a deer skull complete with a full rack of horns. You would not think it to look at a deer, but Bambi is one scary looking sonofabitch once the flesh is gone, lemme tell ya. I stick a red candle in the center of its' forehead and let it drip. This, I must say, looks fucking cool as hell.
In the center of the table is the 'evil grimoire'... this huge old book that I found at a garage sale. It's full of medieval manuscript reproductions, and I have it opened to the freakiest looking page.

I stand behind the door and open it up slowly so all anyone sees is the room. Then I step out from behind in full death metal costume, holding a bowl of candy.

One year the whole group of kids backed all the way off the porch and out onto the lawn. I had to follow them out with the candy bowl and convince them to take some. And we give out really good candy too-none of your cheapo 'Smarties and a handful of Brachs' here, we've got Reeses' Peanut Butter Cups! And Almond Joys! These poor kids RAN down the sidewalk going 'Did you see that? DID YOU SEE THAT?'

One year nobody said a word when the door opened. I peeked out from behind and mom, dad and all three little pirates were standing there with the white showing all the way around their eyes. I gave everyone extra.

Everywhere I've lived there's always a rumor about Satan Worshippers. I grew up with this. In fact the nearest local Satan Worshipper house was purportedly right down the street from my grade school. We'd go up their driveway and stand there looking at the place every day as we walked home from school. Now I can just imagine some poor old soul in there peering out through the privacy curtains at us little doofuses as she talks to her friend on her princess phone: "Yes they're out there again! Yes, again! No, just standing there! Every day at the same time, Shirley! "

If a pet went missing, it was blamed on Satan Worshippers. If some particularly egregious act of vandalism occurred-particularly if it happened on church property-it was the fault of Satan Worshippers. Everyone believed this. I believed this. You'd go over to a new friends house in a different neighborhood and eventually someone would ask 'Do you guys have Satan Worshippers?" and the house would be pointed out and the stories of pet mutilations and nighttime chanting would be told. The explanation "They moved here from California" was usually somewhere in the narrative.
Maybe they migrate north during Santa Ana season or something. I don't know.

Years later in high school when I was getting wasted regularly, the guy I bought from told me about going to some 'Satanic ceremonies' at his suppliers' house, and how it was all an excuse to get kids wasted and have an orgy. (This bunch were finally arrested in 1977.) The thing was, I remember hearing about them when I was in grade school...in fact, they were known as the "Stanley Avenue Satan Worshippers" to differentiate them from the 'Logus Road' Satan Worshippers'. So 50% of the rumors, then, were TRUE...after a fashion. This never ceases to amaze me...this was a small, ordinary town in OREGON for the love of Mike.
... oregonian satan worshippers worshipping satan satanically.

Out here in 'The Ozarks of the Northwest' there is a strong movement against the celebration of Halloween as such. Lynden, of course, leads the way. Out in Lynden they steadfastly refer to it as 'Harvest Festival!" and scatter the pumpkins and scarecrows about. Of course this is REALLY returning Halloween to it's pagan roots and it always cracks me up.
...baby Jesus says 'this party sucks. would somebody hang a couple of bats up in here please? my birthday isn't for another two months.

The celebration of Halloween 'as such' is the celebration of a CHRISTIAN HOLIDAY, dumbshits; the whole concept was invented by Christians in order to make people STOP CELEBRATING HARVEST. Oh, I love ignorance; I really do.

At one point in time we were the Satan Worshipping family for the Mt. Baker School District. Oh yes! Back when the kids were in Jr. High, one of my daughters dippy little friends came over for a Halloween slumber party and old mom here made the mistake of bringing out the Tarot cards.* I was a twelve year old girl once; I thought that kind of thing was cool, right? Oughta be a big hit, right?

...we could have games! and cake! and balloon animals!

My God I didn't hear the end of that one for years. The little idiots' idiot mother couldn't even look me in the eye the next time she saw me and refused to let her daughter come over any more. That went around that whole circle of kids and moms, too.
That's when I started doing the 'Satanic Altar' display. You want Satan Worship? I gotcher Satan Worship RIGHT HERE, baby. Look at the deer skull! THAT'S RIGHT THERE'S A CANDLE ON THE DEER SKULL! OH YEAH! IT'S BURNING! THE BIKERS ARE WORSHIPPING SATAN!

Here in town? My house is the most popular stop on the trick-or-treating circuit.



______________________________
*the same good christians who think nothing of 'seeking a word of leadership' from the bible. ever seen that done? you pray for the answer to a particular question and let a bible fall open. one person in a blindfold holding a pin stabs it down onto the bible and whatever quote it lands on is your 'word of leadership'.
...and no, i don't believe in tarot cards. but i had them. yup...the same ones my mother gave me before she found the lord...and started speaking in tongues, being a prayer warrior and 'seeking a word of leadership' instead of doing the ouija board.

37 comments:

  1. I clicked on the house pic to enlarge it.

    I can see you through the windows and you've forgotten your clothes!

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  2. "good" Christians don't use the Bible as a divination tool in that manner (or any other). Those nut-jobs just give us normal, God fearing Jesus followers a bad name.

    But you're all welcome to stop by my place on All Hallow's Eve, I give out full sized candy bars.

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  3. We do Guy Fawkes as well as Halloween. I think it's something to do with ritually burning Catholics alive.

    And why not? Everybody should have a hobby.

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  4. Are those golfing shoes on your porch?

    How bourgeois.

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  5. I dig the front (is that the front of the house?) garden. Very cool. Will you adopt me and let me live in the spare room? Well, Molly and me.

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  8. At this time of year you are obviously greatly influenced by the Jeffrey Dahmer school of interior decorating!
    I carve pumpkins (but only for the kids next door), light candles (but only because the fucking electric is off again due to fiscal problems) and walk round looking haggard and scary (but only because I'm 47 and it kinda goes with the territory).
    My job finishes on Halloween - raise a glass and think of me on my Michael Myers-style rampage through the offices of my former employer!!

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  9. Religious cranks and their ignorance will, like death and taxes, always be with us!
    What a brilliant tableau you set! Photos would be great for those of us who can't get there (hint,hint)

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  10. ...unlike your garden variety areligous cranks who've gone the way of the dodo bird?

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  11. Norwexile1:52 PM

    Wouldn't the crown of thorns pop the little balloon jesus?

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  12. mj:...and did you know, you're the first person who's noticed?

    'shot: sometimes they'd use a wedding ring on a string.

    garfy I and II: that's got to kick up a lot of soot, though. wouldn't it be easier on the environment to burn copies of 'Hansi: The Girl Who Loved The Swastika'? and yes, golf shoes; filled with what y'all call houseleeks that trail down. this is why it's IMPORTANT to change your socks.

    reg: go for it. if anyone deserves a rampage, its you. don't forget extra fuel for the chainsaw.

    dinahmow: oy vey, huh? i wish i could, but my camera is no longer speaking to my cpu. it looks pretty dad baddy if i do say so myself!

    'shot: yes. what?

    norwexile: doesn't that just stagger the imagination? that kid is either one sick, brilliant little puppy or trapped in a state of reality that we'd all do well to avoid.

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  13. So then that's a 'No' on the adoption. (sigh)

    Fine, I don't need anything but this thermos.

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  14. wedding ring on a string? is that the sex of the baby thing? Christians perform spells, its called prayer. I'm into ancestor worship but grandfather has seen better days, the head in my fridge has stopped talking to me and satan worshippers are posers.

    Oh and put some clothes on yer scaring the kids.

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  15. washington? looks like B.C. to me. squamish. also looks like enough room in the bushes to hide and scare the crap out of your trick or treaters... sounds like fun to me!!!
    doesn't anybody trick anymore? what happen to egg fights and getting beaten up by the big kids and all your candy stolen? the front of your costume filled with shaving cream?
    yeah, if your house has been a favorite one for good treats then i think its high time to launch a little scare fest! muhahahaaa...

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  16. i just like the candy, sugar

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  17. Who could guess that such Satanic evil lurks behind that beeyootiful garden? I would think you'd have hoards of teens with nothing more of a costume than a funny hat showing up at your door.

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  18. Kristy6:08 PM

    Those Oregonian satan worshippers? They might find redemption if they would only consider pumping their own gas.

    I would love to see your display. Take pictures this year, okay?

    Oh, and Rancho FirstNations? I've seen golf courses with lawns less cared for. Looks lovely!

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  19. I know I am a big disappoint to the little kids here, but I don't care to spend any extra $$ on the good candy. I will give out cheap smarties and the like and keep the chocolate for me. Or if I feel real bah humbuggy, keeps the lights off.
    What no Ougui board?
    But Christmas? Oh thats the holiday I like to celebrate.

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  20. Ma Mere, GB and I will come over on Halloween (no skoo for GB, remember?), and you can borrow the camera, then I'll upload & email to you. Heck, I'll even resize them. Ahem.

    and Inner: at one point, it WAS BC. Like, before...uh, 1889, I think. So yeah. It's kind of both. Weird place to grow up. All the Washitonians there say "pardon" instead of "scuze me" and try to be polite instead of douchebags like the rest of rural WA. Don't see how it doesn't look like WA, all of the PNW looks pretty much the same, grey, mountainous, and tree choked with angry rednecks, loggers, and hippies. ...and the Californian transplants, but let's not go there :p

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  21. OREAD THE SSA: yes, yes... it does look like canada, i'm glad someone is paying attention! much like california looks alot like mexico... hmmm.
    so what is really ours? well, mine? yours? and theirs? since we/they took over mexico weve been moving further south and north ever since. watch out we are likely to succeed. president swartzaneeger anyone?
    at least when driving north to see family through washington I CAN PUMP MY OWN FUCKING GAS!! (thank you kristy for pointing that out, oregon is a toilet and a leech to my federal tax dollars, california should simply consume that state and become "northern california) and folks in WA. know how to drive! or at least know how to get the hell out of the way!
    yes we do transplant ouselves to WA. as well. tell me, what are the transplants like? lets go there!! i only want to know because im a transplant to california.

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  22. i'm guessing the yummy biker is dressing up as "ghost rider" this halloween?

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  23. OH, your lovely, talented, kind-hearted (is that sufficient grovel?)girl is going bring her camera.
    Now, see, folks, that's how to raise children.

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  24. Firstly Hurrah ....the Baby Jesus of Bucharest has made a triumphant return , but he doesnt look happy.

    Miss FN have we got to do the Black Mass thing AGAIN, can I wear my vest during the Nekkid Orgy and virgin deflowering stuff(we dont get all this mularkey with the Church of England , the occasional cup of tea with the vicar , a twice yearly bring and buy sale , no bothersome religion required) as I have a bit of a cold......I have a sick note from Ma Beasty (Forged).

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  25. Love the garden, love the deer skull, love the bebeh jeebus, hate that the new version of firefox is underlining my deliberately misspelled words with red dots, love the nudidity.


    when i was a kid there was a guy on the next street who dressed up in a gorilla suit to give out candy. i wouldn't go near the place. made my brother get some candy for me. that thing scared the pants off me. (i was a wimp.) your place wouldn't have scared me, though. I just would have thought it was fucking COOL!

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  26. 'shot: a thermos that folds out into a batmobile?

    knudie: yeah, but the big boys keep coming back for more.

    innerV: welcome! hey, this used to be canada until we traded them a half-case of Sam Adams for it. then we established an armed border and stood on the other side waving the bottle opener back and forth at them and laughing.

    savannah: i'd fedex you some if i could. rest and recuperate. and drink plenty of juleps.

    21 mom: thank you! and we get tons of them. missing the whole point if you ask me.

    kristy: suburban oregon is where all the people too messed up for california and not cool enough for Seattle end up. it's like the appendix of the West Coat.

    gale: now that I'm a grandma Christmas is moving up the charts with me! here, have an almond joy.

    SSA: what was that goofy little moose's name? they lived off mt. baker highway, five kids in the family, mom left the family and ended up with the guy who ran the Storehausen?

    pink: no, he sits on the couch every year and pretends he's not eating all the almond joys.

    peter: welcome! you grovel well. and your instincts are spot on...SHES the one you have to worry about.

    beast: wait, we're doing the Bridport wicker man this year, i thought. the sun dance, running of the mutants, frobishers bukakke tent...don't tell me its called off now!!!!

    cb: thanks X! that would have freaked the crap outta me too. everythings ten times scarier on halloween night when you're a kid.

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  27. First Nations said...
    'shot: a thermos that folds out into a batmobile?

    THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!

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  28. OMG, a burning red candle. We should all get together and burn your house down. Probably you'll do it yourself with all the candles.
    But until then, can I have a Reese's?

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  29. Louie! Louie! FN, this is not funny!

    I have to catch up, but first let me find Louie!

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  30. 'shot: it's like a swiss army thermos, only not swiss.

    joeVegas: hey! you're supposed to STORM castles and BURN witches. nowhere in the equation will you find tiny farmhouses OR bitches. different spelling.

    g: DAMMIT I WENT AND CHECKED YOUR BLOG TO SEE IF LOUIE HAD RUN AWAY. *snif* don't SCARE me.

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  31. Maybe you could keep everyone happy by snipping bits from the bible and pasting them onto tarot cards, covering up the evil, satanic tarot images with nice words of leadership instead.

    Interesting choice of word, too. Leadership - that's when you abandon intellect and judgement in favour of superstition and randomness. I guess that explains Dubya.

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  32. URGENT! Just tried to send a message to your new email, but it's bounced!
    I need to contact you so please try again, yes?

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  33. Yeah...fucking Swiss...

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  35. Soorry, I was just answering your question :) Now you have me upset at the thought of Louie going missing! Perish the thought - he's right here with me.

    So now I can get down to wowing about your garden - it's beautiful. Really very nice. And of course, the balloon and baby Jesus rank right up there with some of your best finds.

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  36. I sooo want to come to your house for halloween. You rock!!

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  37. qenny: yeah, those wacky god-fearing republicans...like ronald reagan, that good christian, running our country by using AN ASTROLOGER. yay.

    dinamow: done and done.

    'shot: toblerone rocks, though.

    g: oo, thanks! that was a couple of years ago. right now it looks like h.p.lovecrafts yard. which is cool, but still.

    joy: we give out good candy too! come on by!

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