Thursday, September 13, 2012

Fuckin' A Argentina would you SHUT UP aw shit I hate it when you cry DAMMIT STOP

Having washed the last of the scary Ritalin badness out of my system I find myself once again at the point where this entire exercise in medication began...and it's ABSOLUTELY GREAT TO BE BACK.

I'll miss the focus.  Not that I leapt from my previous state in cape and tights or anything...  No, I used all that expensive focus (try 90.00 a scrip) for remembering why I entered any given room.  Recalling what I said five minutes previously.  Doing simple grocery store mathematics.  Seriously.  Well over 500.00 worth of ADHD medications took me a few baby steps into the reality the rest of humanity inhabits, where I looked around in bemusement for a few moments until liquefied brain matter began to run out my ears.  Figuratively.

I've learned some very interesting, heavy, paradigm-shifting things about 'present time' and 'narrative' and 'experience of continuity'; as well as gaining insight into how incredibly malleable perception is. 

I'm done as fuck with it, too.  Gimme a beer.

Sunday, September 09, 2012

Dammit Argentina I said don't cry for me.

This past week the Ritalin suddenly stopped working, turned, and went for my throat.  Adderal was right up front about wanting me to die, at least...Ritalin just watched.  And waited.

This past week and a half has not been a picnic.  I knew something was up...but seriously, when the only warning is 'Gee, I've been moody lately'...?  Yeah, gosh, I'll take that seriously; I've been moody lately. Fancy that.  I'm 52 and I'm moody.

The deciding event occurred this afternoon, when for no reason I became...let us say 'distraught' the middle of Harbor Fucking Freight. 

Nobody likes cheap Chinese hardware more than me.   Up until the very moment I wasn't, I was perfectly happy to be there, the bracing aroma of high carbon steel in my nostrils...lovely day, lovely Biker, buying hardware, looking at the extension cords, OH GOD PLEASE LET ME DIEEEEEEE.

...and  I mean just like THAT.  It turns on like a light switch. No warning. It lasts for 45 minutes max, then just as suddenly it's gone. This is exactly whats happened with the other two medications, only much, much worse.


Truthfully, if I have to live the rest of my life with untreated ADHD, at this point I'm ready to do just that.