The Re-Store!!

Let's all go on a field trip to the local architectural salvage place! It'll be fun! Those of you allergic to bargains and terminal cool may stay on the bus. Here's a can of CoolWhip and some Wet Wipes. Let's all remember our manners and share.

If it weren't for the ReStore my kitchen would be a barren wasteland, like parts of Elton Johns head. As it stands, thanks to the ReStore, we no longer have to stack our pots and pans on elderly bald pop stars.

They don't only sell kitchen components, of course. Here's a nice bathroom sink from back in the dim and distant...
...I had one just like it at the place on 9th and Pine. It was so unpredictable that it had its own room, as did the bathtub. The toilet was so difficult it was in another part of the apartment entirely.

What was that extra bulge in front for? To keep you from falling off, I always figured. And look, the price has been reduced!

Behold: the mighty EXPULSO. Even after all these years it's a name that inspires confidence. You know the mighty EXPULSO is ready and willing to handle whatever you can throw at it. Bring it, bitch.

Of course should you host a long weekend full of frat boys and takeout Thai food the Restore has a solution for that too:


The whole place is filled with random strange works of...art...just like this, in odd corners. Some of it is made by the various volunteers who staff the place, and some of it is 'found'
If you and the Wallendas are experiencing one of those slow patches during a visit, here's something you could do to keep them amused! And no, its not for sale. I've asked. They said no. I was shattered.


Looking for a knob? You no longer have to go all the way to Dorset and knock on Beasts door. The ReStore has a hardware section!


Another random display challenges us to ponder the source of our water.

and one persons answer.


At one point in time one of the volunteers must have been from the UK. See, this is so typical. Like I'm not going to get it, right? Like they can hippity hop off and think 'Woo, I'm so clever and British! Those Americans have no idea what that means!" but see, I do; I just don't care so HA HA ON YOU.

This thing has been perched high above the paint and fasteners section for over 20 years.

I'm pretty sure that if you look at it for too long the pet mosquito leaps down and buries its probiscis in your brain.

This was on the back of some old cabinets. Man, if I could find linoleum like that I'd rip up the floor in my kitchen with my teeth!!! Is that not cooler than shit?



Bad 70's downmarket furniture store accessory #45: Glutea Maxitude


Which should serve as a nice lead-in to our 'WTF' category.
Seriously, what the FUCK?


No, now, lets move in a little closer and examine this thing. The more you look at it the more disturbing it becomes.

You see what I mean? Huh?

You see? You see what I mean? What the hell is this thing? I've thought of three possibilities:

1. A chiropractic or surgical device, possibly used for spinal injuries or setting leg breaks.
2. A device used for assembling and dressing store window mannequins
3. A device used for STRAIGHTENING OUT DEAD PEOPLE and keeping them that way while you wired them into place.

Anyway, I want one.

I also want one of these.

I've had one of these in almost every place I ever rented in Portland. They all worked flawlessly, you could break them down into easily washable pieces, and...

...they had this cool enamel cover that gave you extra counter space and kept the javelinas out of your stovetop. If we had NG hooked up I would donate my electric stove and install this sapsucker in a New York minute. I took a lot of really good meals off these things.


This is their trophy case. Its all weird things they found inside donations. Brandish the dried penis of an Alaskan Tigerbat three times in front of your screen to enlarge the image. Or click.

Now, wasn't that fun? Sure it was. Really, it was. Yes I know the man yelled at you. Yes I know Voices kept staring at you and it was creepy. It was fun because I said it was, ok? Now hurry up and get back on the bus before the cyborgs ask to check our ID implants.

Lets Go Visit the Store! part 2

Garfy and Gale wanted to go visit Wally World! Luckily for them I had a birthday present to buy and a new digital camera! If everyone behaves we MIGHT get a snack! (Probably not though.)

It wasn't until I actually found a parking place that I realized that I might probably be about to commit a prosecutable offense. (I'm not real clear on the law here; it's private property but there's no expectation of privacy because it's a public facility.) ...clicky for biggie. bear in mind that every light pole has two cameras mounted on it too; and that the parking lot extends back behind me for nearly an acre.

At any rate, once I looked around with that in mind I noted for the first time that the amount of surveillance equipment was staggering. And this is just the parking lot!...satisfaction guraanteed, folks. for some reason this end of the store isn't as well-surveilled. it's a mystery.

Just inside the doors and to the immediate right is my first stop anywhere I go...the ladies room. Here's the washroom part:....they take nothing for granted here; everything has instructions (yes, even on the you-know-whats-) and the instructions are in three languages.


And here's the crippled poopin' stool. Now generally speaking Larry the Cable Guy is correct when he says 'The crippled poopin' stool is the Cadillac of the poopin' stools'. This one happens to be an exception at the moment. I have to hand it to them though; this is the worst I've ever seen a Wally's stall ever.

Ah, now here we are just inside the main entrance. ...count'em. and remember, this is just one shot standing right inside the entrance looking in one direction.

I wanted to get a shot of all the surveillance blisters visible on the ceiling, and the pinhole aperature in the 'e' on the store television. Every check stand and associates station has an overhead camera and a microphone as well. I was too chickenshit to get a shot of that. Of course if they don't have at least ten different images of me by now it's not for lack of trying.

Anyway, here's what you all came to see. Yes, you really can buy a gun at Wally's.

Here's a better shot. This is pretty much the entire gun department here; just this counter with the glass cases behind it. The rest of the section holds various other sporting goods. I was hoofing ass past here pretending that my camera was a cell phone.

Here we are on the way out, and here's some typical Wally shoppers on their way in. See how many surveillance cameras you can spot.
You're off by three.

Back to the safety of the Heefalump Dumpaloon Mach 6! I dodge a shopping cart rolling slowly across the lot...

Just a pleasant reminder. Exuent Nations tearassing out onto the main drag hoping that nobody comes after her.

I probably had nothing to worry about, but I didn't make a major production about taking pictures either....I just strolled along and snapped without setting up shots in any way.


So. Where would you like to go next?