Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Re-Store!!

Let's all go on a field trip to the local architectural salvage place! It'll be fun! Those of you allergic to bargains and terminal cool may stay on the bus. Here's a can of CoolWhip and some Wet Wipes. Let's all remember our manners and share.

If it weren't for the ReStore my kitchen would be a barren wasteland, like parts of Elton Johns head. As it stands, thanks to the ReStore, we no longer have to stack our pots and pans on elderly bald pop stars.

They don't only sell kitchen components, of course. Here's a nice bathroom sink from back in the dim and distant...
...I had one just like it at the place on 9th and Pine. It was so unpredictable that it had its own room, as did the bathtub. The toilet was so difficult it was in another part of the apartment entirely.

What was that extra bulge in front for? To keep you from falling off, I always figured. And look, the price has been reduced!

Behold: the mighty EXPULSO. Even after all these years it's a name that inspires confidence. You know the mighty EXPULSO is ready and willing to handle whatever you can throw at it. Bring it, bitch.

Of course should you host a long weekend full of frat boys and takeout Thai food the Restore has a solution for that too:

The whole place is filled with random strange works like this, in odd corners. Some of it is made by the various volunteers who staff the place, and some of it is 'found'
If you and the Wallendas are experiencing one of those slow patches during a visit, here's something you could do to keep them amused! And no, its not for sale. I've asked. They said no. I was shattered.

Looking for a knob? You no longer have to go all the way to Dorset and knock on Beasts door. The ReStore has a hardware section!

Another random display challenges us to ponder the source of our water.

and one persons answer.

At one point in time one of the volunteers must have been from the UK. See, this is so typical. Like I'm not going to get it, right? Like they can hippity hop off and think 'Woo, I'm so clever and British! Those Americans have no idea what that means!" but see, I do; I just don't care so HA HA ON YOU.

This thing has been perched high above the paint and fasteners section for over 20 years.

I'm pretty sure that if you look at it for too long the pet mosquito leaps down and buries its probiscis in your brain.

This was on the back of some old cabinets. Man, if I could find linoleum like that I'd rip up the floor in my kitchen with my teeth!!! Is that not cooler than shit?

Bad 70's downmarket furniture store accessory #45: Glutea Maxitude

Which should serve as a nice lead-in to our 'WTF' category.
Seriously, what the FUCK?

No, now, lets move in a little closer and examine this thing. The more you look at it the more disturbing it becomes.

You see what I mean? Huh?

You see? You see what I mean? What the hell is this thing? I've thought of three possibilities:

1. A chiropractic or surgical device, possibly used for spinal injuries or setting leg breaks.
2. A device used for assembling and dressing store window mannequins
3. A device used for STRAIGHTENING OUT DEAD PEOPLE and keeping them that way while you wired them into place.

Anyway, I want one.

I also want one of these.

I've had one of these in almost every place I ever rented in Portland. They all worked flawlessly, you could break them down into easily washable pieces, and...

...they had this cool enamel cover that gave you extra counter space and kept the javelinas out of your stovetop. If we had NG hooked up I would donate my electric stove and install this sapsucker in a New York minute. I took a lot of really good meals off these things.

This is their trophy case. Its all weird things they found inside donations. Brandish the dried penis of an Alaskan Tigerbat three times in front of your screen to enlarge the image. Or click.

Now, wasn't that fun? Sure it was. Really, it was. Yes I know the man yelled at you. Yes I know Voices kept staring at you and it was creepy. It was fun because I said it was, ok? Now hurry up and get back on the bus before the cyborgs ask to check our ID implants.


  1. The mighty EXPULSO toilet planter!

  2. Of course should you host a long weekend full of frat boys and takeout Thai food

    Or Beast after a chickpea curry.

  3. Anonymous7:19 PM

    if you think the toilet planter was bad, wait til' i post the picture of what the people who live near us put in their front yard. as soon as i find my camera, i'm so taking a picture.

  4. mj: you KNOW you want it. you want to fill it full of petunias and set it right out in front of your cheese cottage next to the cheese tree.

    mjdeaux: i'll stick with the frat boys and the larb guy.

    pink: human remains? say its human remains. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE say it's human remains.

  5. Thanks for sharing the source of your toilet planters. Sadly, the closest "cool" salvage joint near me is a couple hours up the road in Palm Beach Co.

    The fact that you don't have a NG hookup makes me weep.

  6. Anonymous11:56 PM

    Expulso, latin for "I throw out" (up?) or "I drive out", to expel. This machine looks very evil to me.

  7. Voices was not only staring at me , he whispered that the Paint and Fasteners Baby wants to kill me.
    I am not enamoured of the mighty EXPULSO , all those crenallations would create terrible wind resistance , the resulting 'in flight' turbulence could create a possible half digested chick pea related disaster to rival the super volcano at yellowstone.

  8. I absolutely adore gem hunting in reclamation yards. I have even managed to convince my rather dry and very British hubby that it isn't a complete waste of time ;-)

    I wish that there were more places around here but I guess that would water down the weirdness :-)


  9. I am not sure but the weird chain driven torture device may actually be a one person elevator for traveling between floors in a large manufacturing plant. Although the foot things look really slippery and dangerous.

    LOVE the shelves would love to ponder all the goods.

  10. Anonymous8:54 AM

    I am sorry, but I guess that does not work. As I see it the "feet" are stationary, it's the iron howtocallit? that is moved by the chain. I thought about a device to stretch maybe boots or something, but find it creepy.
    Is that Army-Green?

  11. The toilet is made for gurlie-men who sit down to pee....

    Bubble butt in a serious way....

    Looks like a cool store. We have one here... I have never been in it... I think it is time for a visit!

  12. Why do we not have these things in the land where I live? Why? I may have to go and whine at my hubby and cat now. not fairrrrrr.

  13. I love to find graffiti that answers graffiti. especially things like "Sue's a BITCH!" with "Shut Up ! YOU'RE A BITCH!!" underneath it. Or "Mean People suck!" with "Whining people suck" underneath it.

    Please never let us speak of the unidentified machine or baby with mosquito in the backpack again.

  14. Here in Britain we have Agas. These were bequeathed to us by the obscure Celtic God Talksalotofbollocksis (let his name be worshipped).

    We use this device to carbonise small mammals before dousing their cremated remains wiht Oxo, a mixture of the dribbles from Cleopatra's nipples and Aldous Huxley's spectacles.

    Thank you, I feel much better for getting that off my chest.

  15. xul: me TOO. I love asian guys.

    mago: it seems kind of stern. like you'd better have something worthwhile to 'contribute' or else hit the road.

    beast: i am dazzled-DAZZLED I TELL YOU- by the flurry of images and catastrophes evinced by your comment sir. vince me more! vince me harder!

    vp: nothing is better than a long afternoon spent sorting through other peoples belongings!

    retro: I honestly think its purpose is immobilization of people with small feet. why? is what I want to know. someone felt threatened enough by people with small shoe sizes to construct this thing. you gotta wonder.

    mago: I think its CHUD green. (C annibalistic H umanoid U nderground Dwellers, in case you missed the movie. They were green.)

    ponita: Architectural salvage is so, so cool. I've got things like antique hanging plasma bottles, art deco chrome towel bars, kitchen cabinets, maple butcher block counters, you name it.

    joy: it's because mud huts don't leave behind much to salvage after a few good rains. you are welcome.

    MUTHA!!!!!!!!!! where on earth have you been? are you going to keep blogging or disappear again as soon as I visit? huh? huh?

    garfy: aren't they coal fired? at least some of them? didn't aldous huxley die in a horrible coal-fired AGA incident? it happened shortly after oscar wilde shot himself through the thigh trying to climb down from his deer stand while in an intoxicated state. I remember reading about it in the Bellingham Herald.

  16. Anonymous6:41 PM

    I call dibs on that stove! I'll even pay delivery. What is WRONG with designers today that they have only enough room on top for tiny pans. We're not using Easybake any more!Bring back proper stoves. With warming drawers, too!
    (Failing that...I'll just have to persevere...'sniff')

    Oh, yes! I think your chiropractic rack is actually from a mediaeval dungeon.Annoy the King and get stretched.

  17. HAHAHA! You made me laugh out loud. Mud huts. AHAHA!! I love that. that would explain the landslides too I suppose.

  18. Anonymous3:38 PM

    I love you man. Just thought I would mention it.

  19. I L O V E D that tour..those places are so interesting.

    That lifty-thingamabob is a wonderment? It harkens back to the day when Dwarf tossing in Niteclubs was still considered good clean fun. If the foot holders were facing the other way I could think of hundreds of I'm going with your corpse straightener.