Friday, September 21, 2012

Death Sauce and Derision

Let's say you wanted to make some Death Sauce:

...loaded with vitamin C, antioxidants, and Death

1/3 lb by unprocessed weight Harbanero, or Scotch Bonnet, peppers
(wash, stem and halve)
1 tsp. salt
Juice of one large lemon +some of the grated peel
1/2 cup by volume minced red onion
V-8 or plain tomato juice, 1 12oz can (you won't be using all of it so have some vodka ready)

-Run the Harbaneros through a food processor until minced, combine with onion and fry in batches in a little olive oil until slightly browned. 

-Set aside to cool.

-Dump into a blender with the lemon juice, the grated peel, the salt and half the can of V8, and blend until liquefied past all possibility of even the tiniest muon of remaining chunkness.  Why?  Because if you're one of those people who experiences afterburn you'll want to avoid Klingons.  I'm told that even the tiniest remainder can mean hours of agonized squatting over a hand mirror searching for the miscreant particle, which is a story I made up but probably happens.  Me, I wouldn't know.  I have an efficient digestive tract.  Anyway.  

-Pour through a fine strainer into a glass jar with a lid that fits tightly and refrigerate. anyway you wanted to make this delicious delicious recipe for Death Sauce.  What you should remember is that you should not fry Harbanero peppers in a closed room full of steam.  Harbanero cooking fumes are a lot like the stuff that they spray on people when they won't stop resisting arrest; and lemme tell you it took all the impulse to resist arrest right out of me. 

I have nothing but scorn for people who whine 'ew, I don't liiiiiike spicy, waa, how can you taaaaaste anything, augh' and make their nose all scrunchy like how they do.  I started eating jalapeno peppers when I was 8 years old because it absolutely scandalized the crap out of my parents for whatever goofy reason.  Anyway, I found that not only is a simple jalapeno tolerable, it's delicious.  Face it, it's a fruit.  It tastes like fruit...sweet and nice.  Yeah it has a kick, but here's the second thing I discovered the more I ate them...the more frequently you eat spicy stuff, the more the burn fades.  You get used to it.  The fire simply becomes a delicious, mouth watering sensation, and the heat opens up all the rest of the flavors and releases new ones.  THAT is why people eat spicy food.

Thanks to all the practice over the years, I now have a cool bar trick that's earned me thousands of imaginary dollars over the years - I can literally DRINK an entire bottle of Tabasco Sauce like a shooter.  Right down.  Doesn't phase me a bit.

Wanna blow job?