Saturday, November 11, 2006

please help me.

It has been a Carnival of Pestilence here at Rancho FirstNations. Bacteria roam freely, breeding in uncontrolled wads. Virii are forming herds of brackish evil. The trail of pain is written in effluvia, phlegm and befouled towelling.
Yes, I am sick again, yes, I have bronchitis again; or rather, I still have bronchitis, and it is resisting all antibiotics. Next week I will be rippin down the Cephalexin, most likely, and that means I'll be blogging between frantic sprints to the toilet and frantic trips to the quickiemart to buy Ritz Crackers to forestall frantic trips to the toilet. Because Cephalexin and my lower intestinal tract are not the best of friends, friends.
Yesterday I juggled Germans.
In this corner at upwards of seventy the Playboy of the Western World, his walker and his overly complicated, day-long series of nuclear cardiac assesments!
...And in this corner, weighing in at none of your business, The Yummy Biker and his amazing Blooping Bellybutton! Bloop, purple! Bloop, not purple! Bloop, outie! Lookit! Bloop, innie! Are you looking? Look!
Both of them were scheduled for their procedures
And I was barely able to walk without pausing to huff and blow and drool and pant and watch the pretty fireworks go off around the sides of my field of vision and try not to pass out.
Guess who had to drive?
First up, the Playboy. We pull up in front of his residence and there's a fire engine and an ambulance out front and a gurney in the lobby, which was full of interested wrinkly observers. No, it wasn't the Playboy's turn, but I didn't know that before I took a sprint into the place and almost passed out in front of the receptionists desk and rolled down the stairs. It was like a goddamn wedding reception and how we managed to get the Playboy out of there I'll never know...A tiny little old lady with blue lips was the star of the show and she was doing the Rose Festival float wave as they loaded her onto the gurney, everyone was chatting and re-establishing old acquaintance with the firemen and the emt's, people from different floors and dinner schedules who hadn't seen each other for a few hours were catching up, and the Playboy in the middle of it all announcing to everyone at random 'I have to get a Nuclear Assesment!' and receiving the admiring congratulations of everyone in earshot.' Wow! I've never heard of that before! A nuclear assessment! '
We bundled him into our tiny car, folded the walker into the tiny trunk, bungeed it shut and headed off to the lab, which was running late. OF COURSE.
Left him there with some magazines.
We got there and made arrangements to meet at noon, assuming (naiively) that since his procedure was scheduled for five minutes hence, that it would be over and he'd be all straightened up from the anaesthetic.
I was NOT looking forward to this part of our program. The man reacts very badly indeed to general and becomes combative and loud. That kind of behavior from a sober person his size is frightening, but coming from a disoriented man who is both incoherent and unable to walk a straight line who I am married to i's hilarious, because I am kind of a bitch like that. I mean fall on the floor hysterical, too...but god help you if you laugh. Because THAT, he'll remember. He won't remember asking you at the top of his lungs to 'Ma fa gub wha voobuh nuh gub" in the lobby and he won't remember trying to enter the car by the drivers side door and then denying loudly and publically and repeatedly and semicoherently that he had any thought whatsoever about driving as he attempts to sidle past you and sit behind the wheel... oh, but he will remember that when he tried to put a chew in, and he missed and poked himself in the side of the face, you laughed. Yes. That, he will remember, and you'll never hear the end of how you ridiculed him while he was helpless.
Marry a German. Do it now. I'll wait.
Drive back across town to the Playboy, who is finished with his first procedure. Since he hasn't eaten since 6pm the previous day we go out for lunch at the olde englishe halfe timberede lesbian bar. Outside, we were greeted by a wino who was scavenging cigarette butts off the pavement. He followed us inside and began loudly trying to bum a pancake off the bartender. ( Hey! I want a pancake! How mush I got fo a pancake! Gimme one! Gib me a pancake!) While the company was iffy, the food and service remained excellent and we had fun people watching and cracking each other up with outrageous observations.
Then back we go to the same clinic for his second procedure, which is running late, of course. We kill time reading magazines and criticising all the recipes.
Then I have to leave him cooling his heels while I go back to get my Biker out of pawn.
It is noon.
Please come back in 45 minutes, he'll be all done by then, I am assured. Oh, he'll be completely out of the anaesthesia too, I am promised.
Yeah. Right. Ok.
Back across town to get the playboy.
The Playboy has ONLY JUST GONE IN FOR HIS PROCEDURE. Come back in an hour. he should be done by then.
Back across town to the Biker.
By now I am nervous as a stripper in a room full of lacrosse players. I am expecting to have to drag him out of the office with him three sheets to the wind, trying to steal all the candies off the receptionists desk and slurring 'Wheres my chew? Go get me some chew! I forgot my chew! They took my chew! Go look for my....' you get the picture.
I go back.
He's done.
You want to come on back and we'll give you all his post-op instructions?
They make me.
And he's fine.
Apparently once they FINALLY got around to making the 1/2 inch incision and taking the three tiny little stitches, they only used a twilight anaesthetic and lots of local. He's lucid. He is ambulatory.
And he wants to drive.
I do not let him drive.
He wants to eat. In a restaurant.
I make him sit in the passengers seat and watch me order him a small shake from a drive-thru. All the while he is clutching the grabhandle as though AT ANY MOMENT I will floor the gas and drive off uncontrollably into oncoming traffic and hit a fuel tanker and explode and roll in a ball of flames into a grade school full of crippled orphans and DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE... yeah. By the time we are partway down the road the fabric around this handle is beginning to tear from him grabbing it like a spazmodeus every time I slow down for a corner.
Grab the first German you see and marry him. Really. You'll thank me.
Baaaaaack across town to the Playboy.
The playboy is still cooling his heels. While I am commiserating, the biker roams off while I'm not looking. When I get up to look for him, I come back and the Playboy is gone as well.
Where is my father in law? Oh, they took him back for the stress test a minute ago. He'll be right out.
I decide to stay in one place. I figure that will make me easier to find, in case either one of them is so inclined. I am also experiencing the coming attractions of an asthma attack, so I take a couple big woofs off my inhaler and wonder whether or not passing out and being hospitalized might not be the better option at this point.
The Playboy returns.
He looks like he has seen a ghost.
He is walking very, very slowly.
You can see the white all the way around his eyes.
He died again.
When they injected him for the stress test.
While all this is being explained to me, the Playboy and I both sit down, wheezing and gasping and holding our chests and shaking our heads.
The biker returns and everything is explained all over again.
The procedure is rescheduled.
We leave.
The Biker wants to drive.
No. I realize that is been almost an hour and a half now since you had abdominal surgery but no, you cannot drive. I know this is both unreasonable and mean on my part. Sit in the back seat and grab the headrest every time I slow down for a corner. Ok? Ok.
All the way back to the Playboy's residence he and the Biker make plans about how they're going to go shopping together the next day.
Right. And run the Boston Marathon and conquer Everest and fight rabid republicans in a steel cage suspended over a pen of starving zombies, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Today, the biker, as predicted, is lying on my sofa watching SpongeBob Squarepants, moaning and clutching his tummy and asking me to bring him shit, refusing to take his pain medication and stumbling around like Frankenfrickenstein.
However I think I was able to convince the Playboy yesterday that the isotopes they shot him full of would make his whiz glow in the dark, and the thought of him turning the light out every time to check the contents of the bowl is the only thing that sustains me.
That's all I have left.
Pray for me.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

yoost a qvikie

Aha! Access at last!
Blogger has been its usual self lately and that is why I haven't been visiting around like usual. No, I am not floating around on a sheet of plywood inside the K-mart, in other words.
We continue un-flooded.

Skagit County, as per usual, is completely tits deep. The cows are swimming right alonside the salmon and they're both hitting the road, if you'll notice. Governor Christine Gregoire says 'Give it up, people! Move! Move, for the love of God! You flood out every year! You've flooded out every year since 1885! Get the message! Earth calling Skagit county! Are you deef? We're sick of spending half the state's budget every fucking year rescuing the same people off the roof! WAKE UP! You live on alluvial fan! Half the fricken county is reclaimed salt marsh! "
You know things are getting bad when the only voice of reason is that of a politician.

Parts of Snohomish and King are using their efforts to gather up animals two by two to free those being held for 'recreational' purposes in Enumclaw and Stanwood.

We have...from what I can see, we have a small puddle in the cornfield across the street. The 'river' never even crested.

I attribute this to France.

The French have obviously been eyeing our precipitational resources with a greedy eye for some time and have coerced the World Bank into redeploying their weather satellites into an altered array, brandishing slabs of unrefrigerated whole foi gras as a threat. The rain which should have been falling onto the heads of the wicked here in Sumas has instead been falling into a field outide of Nimes, where the citizenry have set out Tupperware containers to catch the vital resource.
Never underestimate the power of liver.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

DON'T PANIC....updated!!!!!

...There's a picture there...just click on the big empty space and it will magically appear!
Ok. So apparently half of Whatcom County is underwater this morning, and pretty much all the rest of Western Washington along with it. And truth be told, it has been a trifle dampish lately....I went out to pick up the Goonybird yesterday and almost got cut off by floodwaters that rose suddenly. And by that I mean within a 45 minute period of time it went from dry pavement to pavement under sixteen inches of flowing water.
But once you get inside Sumas city limits? Nothing. Oh yeah, its raining...but nothings flooded.
Refer to the map above.
Sumas is six feet below sea level. It is reclaimed floodplain. It was origionally seasonal marshland drained by the so-called Sumas river, and a smaller part of the Fraser River flood complex. This is a water-created geological formation you can see from space.
We have nothing.
Now either something is just about ready to give way and pour the entire county's worth of flood into the little muddy dog dish we live in, or the Illuminati or whoevers in charge of the weather satellites will spare us just for a laugh. Either way, it's a trip.
Usually, the first sign of rain, our property goes from suburban to lakefront. We have a couple of mallard ducks that move into the back corner and tear up my lawn all winter dabbling for whatever mallard ducks eat (mud? gravel? used cars?) We've had great blue herons fishing-yes, fishing- behind our garage. Just beyond the fence we'll get flocks of huge trumpeter swans FLOATING around.
Nothing. The usual couple of seagulls and a crow or three.
We've never had the water come into our house, although we've had plenty of water UNDERNEATH the house...which sets on piers. Yeah. No foundation slab here. Remember, part of this house was built before America was a building code. I am thinking about installing a brace of marine diesel inboards. Maybe a couple tiers of sweeps and a burly slave to beat a drum.
Actually, that would be cool! Instead of building houses as though simply by denying the existance of flooding you could magically prevent it, build houses equipped to float around like boats! You could go visiting! You could make big rafts out of a whole neiborhood by tying a bunch of houses together and then you could climb all through the windows to go see your friends, run across the roof, jump between doorways, shit. It would be cool! You could have wars! The Yummy Biker and I would run up the Jolly Roger and go plundering down south for this year's Christmas presents! We'd just tie off on the Space Needle and prepare to repel boarders! Hoist the mizzen! Flail the jeebers! Revamp the foc'sle franes!
Yeah, fuck...I need breakfast.

as Danator would say, clickie for biggie:

Did you see the SALMON MIGRATING across the highway down in Skagit county on the news? no fricken lie, man, theres SALMON swimming upstream to spawn on highway 9!!! Check it on Fox News 13!