Saturday, March 11, 2006

one declines

Does anyone remember when the band 'KISS' was cool?
Me either.
But according to all the retrospectives, they were just the next best darn ol' thing to electricity and Jesus.
This is such horseshit.
What the fuck, Gene, you don't have enough money? For Gods sake, man, take your hat and go. You were never cool. Your band was never cool. Your entire fan base was the kids too young to know the difference and deluded people in the Midwest who thought they were really doin' some rebelling now, boy, that KISS, boy, they are just really satanic as all get out! 'Knights In Service (to) Satan'! Boy howdy! Won't Pastor Eddie just shit a brick?!?
Their music defined subaverage. That they still managed to have a couple of hits, putting them up there with such musical milestones as 'Jimmy, Don't Be A Hero' and 'MacArthur Park'and 'Down In The Meadow In The Iddy Biddy Poo' simply means they had a lot of cocaine to pass around.
The reason this is yanking my chain is because I just got sent an application for a special credit card. A KISS credit card. A credit card with the rockin image of the rockin badass KISS band on the front complete with Gene Simmons' rockin badass tongue hanging out.
Like I am going to pay for a box of tampons by slappin down a KISS credit card.
Like I am going to try and rent a car using a KISS credit card.
Like I am going to go out in public and attempt to take part in the money economy using a KISS credit card.
'Declare your status as a proud member of the KISSNATION!!' reads the application. "Show the world that YOU are a rock and roll soldier in the KISS ARMY!!' Yeah, do all that AND keep your lobotomy scar hidden. It's not easy.
Mother of Christ. I think I'm insulted. I really do. It's not so much the inanity as the implication that I was that big a dork and that I"m still that big a dork.
Now, I live in a part of the country where many women my age find it perfectly acceptable, even unremarkable, to charge things using a 'Winnie the Pooh' charge plate and have angel teddy bears printed on their checks. By now it should probably go without saying that I would rather farm toads in my pants than carry something like that round, but still. Teddies and stuffed toys tell the world you're a lightweight, but they don't scream every time you use them 'Woo Hoo! I can't be trusted with simple tasks! I'm a moron! I draw faces on my stomach with lipstick and take polaroids of it! Crack? Why yes, please! And could I have some for my cousin-er, wife here too?
So yes, I'm going to pass on the KISS credit card.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Genetically altered blog post

Back awhile ago the Koreans succeeded in raising a strain of pig genetically engineered to glow in the dark. This caused quite a sensation here at Rancho FirstNations. 'What if they made a GLOW-IN-THE-DARK wrinkle dog??' I mused. I had fantasies of owning an entire litter of them and letting them loose on the property after dark, and running around amongst them screaming 'No! Call them off! Call them off FOR THE LOVE OF GOD..

I still cherish that dream.

Then I found this series of pictures (scroll for the full horror):
And thats got me thinkin' about cat ownership once again. But not just any cat. A bioengineered cat.

Say farewell to yesterdays boring cat.
Say hello to todays' new Adhesive Lumacat!
Press telephone messages onto the Lumacats forehead and save $ on old fashioned Postit notes!
Grease it with shortening and play 'squit the cat for distance' at your next party!
Imagine the utter pantswetting horror your tiny trick-or-treating visitors will experience next Hallowe'en when they reach in the candy bowl and find a mewling litter o' Lumacats coated in red jello! AND RAW CHICKEN LIVERS!!!

Speaking of cows, the first time I ever saw a Shar Pei wrinkledog it scared the living crap out me. I was walking down the sidewalk and I'm approaching what I thought was a very elderly, bald headed man sitting behind the wheel of a Cadillac.
As I passed, the elderly bald man went utterly batshit and started barking at me, snarling, honking the horn, and bashing his slobbery face against the glass in rage. I almost shit a length of bowel.

To me, one of the greatest accomplishments of the 21st century so far is the invention of the glow-in-the-dark pig. Trust dear old FirstNations-someday soon you will see this same technology applied to house pets-and I'll bet you any money the Japanese will be the first ones to market it. Until then, you can eat a ham sandwich in the dark and dream about that day.