Saturday, March 11, 2006

one declines

Does anyone remember when the band 'KISS' was cool?
Me either.
But according to all the retrospectives, they were just the next best darn ol' thing to electricity and Jesus.
This is such horseshit.
What the fuck, Gene, you don't have enough money? For Gods sake, man, take your hat and go. You were never cool. Your band was never cool. Your entire fan base was the kids too young to know the difference and deluded people in the Midwest who thought they were really doin' some rebelling now, boy, that KISS, boy, they are just really satanic as all get out! 'Knights In Service (to) Satan'! Boy howdy! Won't Pastor Eddie just shit a brick?!?
Their music defined subaverage. That they still managed to have a couple of hits, putting them up there with such musical milestones as 'Jimmy, Don't Be A Hero' and 'MacArthur Park'and 'Down In The Meadow In The Iddy Biddy Poo' simply means they had a lot of cocaine to pass around.
The reason this is yanking my chain is because I just got sent an application for a special credit card. A KISS credit card. A credit card with the rockin image of the rockin badass KISS band on the front complete with Gene Simmons' rockin badass tongue hanging out.
Like I am going to pay for a box of tampons by slappin down a KISS credit card.
Like I am going to try and rent a car using a KISS credit card.
Like I am going to go out in public and attempt to take part in the money economy using a KISS credit card.
'Declare your status as a proud member of the KISSNATION!!' reads the application. "Show the world that YOU are a rock and roll soldier in the KISS ARMY!!' Yeah, do all that AND keep your lobotomy scar hidden. It's not easy.
Mother of Christ. I think I'm insulted. I really do. It's not so much the inanity as the implication that I was that big a dork and that I"m still that big a dork.
Now, I live in a part of the country where many women my age find it perfectly acceptable, even unremarkable, to charge things using a 'Winnie the Pooh' charge plate and have angel teddy bears printed on their checks. By now it should probably go without saying that I would rather farm toads in my pants than carry something like that round, but still. Teddies and stuffed toys tell the world you're a lightweight, but they don't scream every time you use them 'Woo Hoo! I can't be trusted with simple tasks! I'm a moron! I draw faces on my stomach with lipstick and take polaroids of it! Crack? Why yes, please! And could I have some for my cousin-er, wife here too?
So yes, I'm going to pass on the KISS credit card.


  1. Anonymous9:52 AM

    Yay! I'm First!

    I think you should get the KISS credit card.

    When it arrives, write (in indelible ink) the words 'My Arse' under the word 'Kiss' and use it in every shop you go to.

    Then let us know how long it took someone to notice.

  2. welcome dear piggy and tazzy!
    Your suggestion genuinely gave me cause to rethink my origional decision. Upon further consideration however it becomes apparent this would mean carrying a picture of Gene Simmons around with me wherever I go, and I'm sorry but a lady has certain standards, after all *buuuuRRRAP, ftftft*

  3. you're dead right on the KISS cool? never! call there FN...and I'm sure that carrying around a picture of Gene Simmons around with you would be tantamount to carrying round a chipped test-tube of all sorts of noxious diseases. However, if they're going to do the rock stars on credit cards thing, I must admit that I wouldnt mind one with a picture of Dave Lee Roth on it (obviously circa his glory days in Van Halen) or even an appetite for destruction Axl...or perhaps a Keef from his dark pirate poet days...I'm sorry. I suppose being English doesn't exempt me from being white trash does it?

  4. And those fuckers who have the interior of their cars decorated in cow/winnie/zebra/tiger print...should be shot.

    I'll confess to having ONE Kiss album as a child...but when my Christian mother heard it she put it in the fireplace:)
    Gene melted really fast....

  5. I think System of a Down or Sex Pistols would be highly amusing. Mind you, the KISS one has appeal cause it beats the hell out of the ones with fish on. I like the image of KISS. I have a v. good one of that one with the long tongue. He even admits that they were never cool, but he's cashing in before someone realised. Exellent.

  6. gene simmons is hot.

    i mean, i know he looks like if your granddad went on a stag weekend with some gypsies, but still. hot.

    i need some sort of operation.

  7. You got another one of those fucking things?
    I take it we didn't send the scathing rejection letter the first time, eh? In case you were wondering...NOW is the time to send it.

  8. The only thing I ever really liked about KISS was that their song "God Gave Rock and Roll to You" appeared at the end of Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey. It was so cheesy and perfect. However, the application should be framed. It sounds hilarious!

    Become part of the KISSNATION with only 10% interest!