Tuesday, October 23, 2007

ok, back to sex. GO GET LAID...AGAIN!

Google, y'all. GOOGLE.

So then.
What I've learned in 47 years about meeting prospective partners:

... and no this is not bullshit, this is completely serious, I mean it, it's all worked for me and it still works for me even though I'm no longer looking...

1. Be female and married. Nothing brings the men parachuting down from the fricken' skies like being an unavailable fat woman married to a large, dangerous man. WTF?

2. Shop in the right store. Do you buy socket wrenches in the lingerie section at Sears? No. So then, if you want to meet serious minded people with jobs and money, the loud redneck dance bar on 'Bodyshot Thursdays' might not be the best place to go looking to meet one. This might be a fun place to take someone on a date*, yes... but not such a good place to meet that someone.

Example: Looking for a man with a job who doesn't spend all his time partying? Straight or gay, your chances will be better if you look in places where single men who are not partying are. Auto parts stores, car dealerships, the Harley place (which is a total meat rack anymore; its embarrassing. I strongly suggest that if you're middle aged and you're looking for a single person with dollars, GO NOW.) union halls, construction companies, sports equipment stores, the outdoorsmans' show... or simply go to the number one place to meet single men with jobs and cash: AN ANTIQUE CAR/MOTORCYCLE SHOW, SWAP MEET OR BLESSING.
Finding an available man at one of these events is as easy as dropping your keys on the floor. It's like a department store. Want a late model? Vintage? Looking for a Rolls Royce person as opposed to a Harley-Davidson person? Pick your 'vehicle'; there's a swap meet happening nearby. The only thing easier would be whapping them over the head with a pitching wedge.

Lorry/Truck parks long distance truck drivers have to park up. Go along to your local and strike up conversation with these men, they are probably lonely and could do with the "company". You'll be surprised how friendly they are. The motto is what happens on the road, stays on the road

become a Taxi driver do the night shifts, this way you can meet like minded people, especially when the pubs/clubs chuck out. If they can't pay the fare demand sexual favours.

become a Policeman/Fireman wear your uniform all the time. You instantly become a cock magnet.

Army camps/Naval bases travel broadens the minds, and if your going to a war zone your not going to be worried about a bit of leapfrog. Also drinking games and unusual male bonding practices can make for a fun evening.

"...guitar shops are a good place to meet guys too (it worked for me). But in order to meet guys with cash keep away from the cut price Japanese Fenders... you should aim to loiter near the Martin twelve string or the Gibsons."

3. Used book stores are dens of SIN. Honestly, trust me on this. I have done REAL WELL at these places, boys and girls. Horny, sex-obsessed book nerds are just waiting to drag you behind the stacks and show you their Edgar Allen Poe tattoo. Hang around your favorite titles and look thoughtful. Men: Be outgoing and approachable. Pick a target and ask book-related questions (and for the love of God AVOID THE SUBSEQUENT TEMPTATION to be a bombastic ass and 'impress' me with your superior knowledge, because it ain't, and you won't.) Wear tweed, a leather jacket or adopt the (recently bathed) emo look and you will be fine. Women: It's easy: anything low cut will do. In fact, simply being friendly and recognizably female will do over by the 'Science Fiction' paperbacks. Otherwise, simply pick out a likely prospect and ask them a book question or where you might find something. You'll be bent over the encyclopedias calling on God before you know it. Better yet? WORK at one of these places. Because, just, yeah.

4. Another place I've done really well is THE MUSEUM. You already have something to talk about, and you can wander around smiling and doing the 'Ooo, you caught me looking at you! Whoopsie!' flirty thing to good effect as you pretend to admire the Honore Dumaurier cartoons. Think about it - who WOULDN'T be flattered thinking that you find them more fun to look at than the priceless works of art on display? Even if you don't score you'll not have wasted an evening. It's a win-win sitch.

5. ART STUDENTS are ANIMALS. You get a roomful of people at evening figure study class all in one room drawing naked starving college students, with the smell of charcoal fixative and linseed oil lingering in the air....it's like mating season at the boner chihuahua ranch out in the parking lot afterward. And during the breaks. And in the hall outside the restroom. And during class when you ask someone to help you with the highlighting and they come over and you stand close together and speak softly and you can smell their hair and....mm-hm. You don't even have to know how to draw. In fact, it's a given that you draw shitty. Why else would you be there?


p.s. DATE MUTTLEY he is red hot like LAVA.
*except on 'Bodyshot Thursdays' because that's just asking for trouble.


  1. Eeeeeek deja vu.

    Sniffs cocoa suspiciously

  2. Anonymous2:29 PM

    i'm confused over the harley davidson meat market thing...

  3. Eeeeeek deja vu.

    Sniffs cocoa suspiciously


    darn cocoa huffers.

    pink: what I mean is, the Harley-Davidson dealerships here in Seattle, Mt. Vernon and Bellingham are big meeting places for singles. the one in Bellingham even has a 'lounge' area where people on runs hang out. in fact theres even 'singles runs' sponsored by H.O.G. this aint the harley i grew up with, nosir!

    'shot: echo!

  5. If only you'd been a consultant for George Michael, he'd never have seen the wrong side of a court room.

  6. Well, I have tried several of those venues and have to agree. And since it is all typed up in a lovely setting, I am now going to cut and paste the link to today's blog to my 30 year old daughter. I have been wanting to become a grandmamma for sometime now.
    thanks nations - yer the cats pajamas

  7. Mutley still has a few bad habits. What's to stop him, for instance, from humping all your friends who come over to visit?

  8. MJ your right of course.....he is always doing that , that and crotch sniffing.
    The poor vicar has never called round since.

  9. Psssst FN ......would you like a quick line of cocoa ?????
    You know you want to
    All the smart bloggers are doing it

  10. aha! So now we know who the notorious blogosphere cocoa pusher is!

    The first one's free, isn't that how you do it?

    Interpol has been notified.

  11. I find libraries are hotbeads of steaming sexual tension.

    Especially by the braille section.

  12. sopwith: i heard about that. that boy just can't stay out of trouble can he? where'd they catch him this time, the canned food aisle in the supermarket?

    gale: and it's a free service, too! thank you! *blush!*

    mj: so he's friendly. he's a friendly boy! yes him IS!

    beast: the vicar was totally asking for it wearing crotchless knickers. and no, i eschew your foul temptation. get thee behind me! cocoa leads to nutmeg and thence.....cardamom! clove! CHINESE NINESPICE!!!!!!

    'shot: wipe that smudge from under your ava-nose before you go casting aspersions, bucko.

    garfy: i've done some hardcore flirting in the library, but somehow the smell of wino piss over behind the magazine racks takes away from the romance of the moment.

  13. #5 made me weep with nostalgia. Thanks.