Thursday, October 18, 2007

Black Lynx Caution the Five Angry Diatom!

q: What is a dugong?

The dugong is a member of a small group of aquatic mammals known as 'Sirenia'. Other members include the manatee (which is not nearly as fun a word to say as 'dugong' so we'll just pretend that it doesn't exist) and the (now extinct) Stellars' Sea Cow.

...yes, it's two you-know-what-atees. it's my blog and i'm calling them dugongs.


...which was in fact not terribly cow-like; it was more like a big hippo-seal type thing.
Although it would be really cool if it HAD been like an aquatic cow and it gave milk and said 'moo'? and like maybe it had these huge horns that stuck out REALLY FAR and they would stampede and they'd get in cool fights and stuff? and divers could go down and have rodeos and the seaweed would be like tumbleweeds?
Yeah.


Centuries ago, the first Dugong sightings were reported in the logbooks of Spanish sailors who (upon seeing the bald, grey, flippered animals swimming around chewing on seaweed and burping) immediately mistook them for a race of seagoing human women.






This may say more about Spanish femininity than we care to know.



q: Where do dugongs come from?
a: Duh; the ocean.
q: Oh Jesus fine. What is the life cycle of the dugong?
a: Ah. Well then. That's an interesting question.

When a mommy dugong and a daddy dugong love one another very much, they want to share that love with a baby dugong. So the Mommy dugong lies on her back, and the daddy dugong orders one from Ikea.
But ordering from Ikea can take time, and sometimes the quality sucks, so the smart mommy and daddy dugong usually go to the KING OF THE DUGONGS and ask him for one.

...click; it gets bigger. waaaaaaaay bigger.

This is the beginning of a magical, mysterious process that has very seldom been documented on film. Are you paying attention? I said put down the damn ocarina and pay attention. I don't care if it's called a sweet potato in the rural South put the damn thing DOWN.

Opie, King of the Dugongs, goes out to a sacred place far, far back in the woods where small dugong bulbs lay dormant in the soil. At his command, a small gnome-like creature emerges from the grass and begins excavating.


It digs and digs and digs and digs, throwing soil everywhere and getting exceedingly filthy...soil in its ears, soil in its butt crack, soil absolutely everywhere.






The gnome-like creature flings dirt up in a huge circle, digging furiously, like a small cat trying to bury a large poo.
A lot of the dirt goes into its mouth. A lot of it ends up on the roof of it's grandmothers garden shed.












...until finally, the first tiny newborn dugong emerges.








Close enough.




q: Is communication with dugongs possible?
Yes! Recent experiments using extra sensory perception have yielded undreamed-of results in the field of dugong-human communication.


Here a diver uses the 'mind meld' technique.


"Can you understand me, fellow earth dweller? Gentle giant of the sea, can you understand me?"







"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF HERE. RING RING PICK UP THE CLUE PHONE. LEAVE. ME. THE. FUCK. ALONE."



Q: Do dugongs spy on America and then give all our secrets to hostile foreign powers?
a: Yes.





....plus they sneak up on your when you are swimming and yell "DUGONG!" in your ear real loud and then swim away.

Dugongs SUCK.



q: Do dugongs migrate?

a: During certain times of the year the trans-oceanic currents shift, and with this shift comes a subtle change in the temperature of the sea. ...image of migrating dugongs thanks to KYAHGIRL

This is the signal that the dugongs have been waiting for.
Once a reliable source of medical-grade helium has been found and the deliveries completed, they line up along the shore in the light of the full moon, wait for a favorable wind, and ascend towards the stars.

39 comments:

  1. Yes, it's all so clear now. How did we miss it?

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  2. You are the bestest mommy ever. I told people that these were the bedtime stories I got, but did they believe me? Hell no! Now I have proofs! And therapy fodder! ;) bad joke.
    I have instructed Poor Bastard to inquire after the elusive QAT after a reading from the Dugong blog and the kitteh blog. I told him..."Sooooommmmme daaaaaaay, aaaaaaalllll this will be YOURS kind of".

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  3. This would have been helpful before my chat with tali yesterday. And I have an Ikea catalogue too!

    Did you get that little gnome fella from the Ikea catalogue? What page? We could use one of those.

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  4. I laughed, I cried, I scratched my head, I wet my pants. (smiles)

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  5. I'm deaf in one ear from dugongs - bastards!

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  6. Yeah, but what about the biggest question of them all? Dugongs? I don't think they can, what with flippers for hands 'n' all.
    Aren't they beautiful? Gentle, graceful and sad-looking. A bit like the love child of Esther Williams and Buster Keaton.
    Brilliant post, by the way.

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  7. Michael Jackson reads your blog and now he wants one.

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  8. You lie!

    That's no infant dugong, that's a baby duck billed plattypussthingumabob (which doesn't actually exist).

    Anyway, everbody knows that dugongs are actually moomintrolls in disguise. They come from Norway and eat salt cod.

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  9. I shall return when I am stoned

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  10. I want a dugong skin coffee table and matching lamp.
    Do they have them in the Ikea catalog ???????

    I also am offering meself as an acolyte to Opie King of the Dugong..... I already have the clothes....I can catch hippies dead easy. I can be like his outreach coordinator for the United Kingdom , or the Opie Pope(kiss my ring !) .

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  11. *claps hands in manner of very happy wee girl*
    Baby was very very cute, Dugong was cute in a big-and-floundery-and-dopey kind of way, and the story was thoroughly enjoyed by both my husband and my 3 yr old whom I had to peel from the computer screen to stop him trying to cuddle Opie and I WANT the baby duck-billed platypus to squeeze and hug forever and ever and ever.
    Best story for a Friday, now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get a cup of hot chocolate and snuggle under my duvet, the story made me all cosy and sleepy :).
    xxx

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  12. I have to leave.

    The dead hippie fumes are overwhelming me.

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  13. 'shot: sometimes it's difficult for even the best of us to be able to see the forest for the dugongs.

    SSA: and egyptians. and the celtic migration. and stonehenge. and modern art. and the refried bean.

    g: did you have THAT conversation? the 'mommy where do dugongs come from' conversation? be brave. the gnomelike creature is my grandson! that is the Goonybird at 1 1/2!

    retro: welcome welcome! and thank you. sometimes if i sneeze suddenly i wet myself too. that's why i sit on one of my husbands dress shirts while i blog.

    21Mom: ooooooo, they're sneaky! sneaky and chubby!

    reg: well duh; that's why they order from Ikea. (stop your censor all the way open and search google:images. you'll thank me. knowing you, that is.)

    tickersoid: TOO BUSY FOR THE LIKES OF US, HUH? FIGURE YOU CAN JUST SWING ON BY AND LEAVE A BRIEF COMMENT AND THAT'LL HOLD US, HUH? OH YEAH. RIGHT. SUUUUUURE. Im fine with that. just.....forsake your readership. that's fine.
    and if you see Michael first, give me a high sign. I'm locked and loaded.

    garfy: they do TOO exist. thats a baby duckbilled dugong. apuss. it IS. and now i have to google moominthing. thanks. just thanks.

    frobisher. well that kind of goes without saying :)

    beast: HUSH YOUR MOUTH! dugongs are NICE. i heart the dugongs. and re opie; you'll have to use a ouija board to contact your leige, i'm afraid.

    pumpkin: you know, you arent the type of person i think of when i think'abstract art' somehow. cool!

    mj: you shoulda been here when he was still in his hippie biting prime. YOW.

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  14. Well I had fun at Kent state (fucking hippies) do these dungholes have 4 stomachs? how tippable are they? I NEED TO KNOW!

    That explains the mermaid sex I had.

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  15. Fantastically informative post - I think you are really Jacques Cousteau! Can we have a post on those things like little whales but with a spikey twirly horn?

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  16. oooh.
    Am I odd to think they're cute?

    "Dead Hippies...aren't much fun"

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  17. Once again I am stand in awe of your superior knowledge, this is far better than the discovery channel.

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  18. Garfer reads Tove! (Bonus points.)

    If any straight Aussies* read this, you'll probably be flooded with comments about the difference between (and impossibilty of inter- breeding)
    dugongs and montoremes. Personally, I think this is much more entertaining.

    * It's rumoured there are a few.

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  19. hendrix5:04 AM

    Entertaining and informative...who said learning can't be fun!

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  20. oh my gosh! that was so funny! i have laughed so very hard, and i needed that laugh very much. i love the picture of the "atee" and the diver. truly, this is your best work to date. i think. that i can remember.

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  21. norwexile8:44 PM

    What would a dugong do if a dugong could ... do ... gongs ... oh, I give up. That was hilarious and wonderfully random, thanks for added some much-needed funny to my weekend. Hmm, maybe I'll go find the Ikea catalogue now ...

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  22. *laughs at tick's comment*

    *agrees*

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  23. "and divers could go down and have rodeos and the seaweed would be like tumbleweeds?"

    The adventures of Bobalong Cassidy.

    In defence of the Spanish sailors, could I just point out that many Spanish women might well have been enormous creatures who spent all day lolling around chewing the cud and burping? Columbus wasn't looking for gold when he sailed West, he was after a woman who could go on top without breaking his spine.

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  24. FN: Lol, I'm taking that as a huge compliment hun...lol.
    xx

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  25. Thanks for doing the du...
    you should have sold this informative piece to National Geographic. I would be curious to know which species would win in a battle royal between a Manatee and a Dugong?

    Mermaids are a perfect example of the frailty of the entire human reproductive system.

    I have no doubt that ancient mariners who experienced weeks of stressful, repetitive, menial tasks, combined with Life or Death uncertainty at sea, would be so 'far gone' that any member of the Sirenia family would look like Pam Anderson.

    Any relief from the standard distractions at sea:rum, sodomy, and the lash, would have been enough to want to 'Do' A Gong.

    I'll bet that the Navy doesn't put that fact in their brochure.

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  26. Ahh, the naked goonybird makes my ovaries ache. Too cute!

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  27. i have taken notes..i KNOW there's gonna be test sooner or later, sugar..i jes know it!

    ReplyDelete
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