Tuesday, October 16, 2007

What you should know about...FLUFFY KITTENS

The human race may not agree about many things, but everyone loves a sweet, fluffy kitten! Nobody who has ever cradled one in their hands and listened to that sweet, miniature purr can disagree.

No matter the breed...from the plainest, rough-and tumble- barn tabby to the pampered elegance of the pedigreed Persian, there's just something about a tiny kitten that makes the human heart melt.

So you want a pet? Thinking about a kitten? A place by the fire and a bowl of milk may have suited old Tom, but there's more than that to caring for a young kitten responsibly.


Immediately after birth, the kitten should be examined carefully and the venom extracted. The amount will vary according to factors like gender, breed and order of birth.

A kitten from which the venom has not been successfully extracted will develop some troubling physical characteristics by the second week.

Once again, the traits your kitten displays will be influenced by a number of variables. The deadly 'Cthulhu' form is a rare recessive and is found mainly near the earths magnetic poles.

'Carniverous Lemurosid Bipedalism' in an unsuccessfully expressed kitten, New South Wales. Remodellers later discovered it, already midway through it's first pupation, in a cocoon beneath the house. Stinger and clasping mouthparts were present.

Mephitic Alopecia in a 2 week old kitten, Bournemouth, Dorset, UK. This family lost several dogs before the disorder was properly diagnosed; although not before the blood-sucking proboscis had developed.


Old wives tales hold that a kitten cannot be trained. Nothing could be more far from the truth! Countless people have enjoyed the hours of companionship and fun that raining a kitten affords! And nothing is more engaging than to have the smallest and cutest member of the family do a 'star turn' when company comes to call!

For years French children have trained their kittens to jump through a hoop. This simple trick is accomplished with a willow hoop and a stick, which is used to 'persuade' the kitten that this is a good idea.

Remember: proper technique is important...a fact which beloved mime Marcel Marceau discovered much too late.

Your kitten can be trained to use the toilet-it's a fact! Using methods originally popularized by jazz legend Charles Mingus*, relatively inexpensive products are now widely available that include everything you need.

More than likely you'll find this process a lot more entertaining than your cat will.


Even though your new kitten may be cute enough to eat, we don't gnaw on our kitty.

Have you ever tried to make a man lactate by putting him in a training bra and sticking a kitten on his tit?

It doesn't work.

Remember to READ THE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY before you use your kitten as the meat component in a cybernetic organism.

Threading the kitten is tricky. HAVE PATIENCE...and don't forget your sense of humor! Soon you'll be making beautiful area rugs, bathmats and hall runners that your family will admire for years to come!


Using a little good sense and a lot of love, your kitten will give you many happy years of companionship. Nothing rivals the feeling that you get from nurturing a small, helpless life, watching it change, and grow...

...and grow, and divide, and shed toxic spores, and


*Bullshit, right?
Hint: his cats' name was 'Nightlife'.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Kitteh are awesomes!!!

  3. I stand (well, sit 'cuz I'm generally a lazy s.o.b.) in awe of your wonder.

  4. i used to have a print of that Renior painting hanging in my bedroom as a little girl. funny you should choose that image.

  5. billy: teh kitteh is afrolicious kthxbye!

    'shot: as well you should.

    cb: yeah...'The Kitten Smacking Girl' by Renoir. i had that group of four prints you could order for free from 'Dreft' detergent. *takes Geritol*

  6. Kittens, cats and all things feline-esque would have us believe that they are only harmless pets, companions and friends...when in fact they are secretly organising their covert troops to take over the world and become the OVERLORDS who will enslave man and make HIM fetch the damned squeaky mouse toy over and over and............ummmmm, yeah, kittens are cute...ahem.

  7. I want a toyger.

    I can tame it with a whip and impress my neighbours.

  8. I prefer a nice pair of puppies....Oh my God! I can't believe I wrote that. I'm turning into Jim Davidson. Either that or I'm regressing and just one year away from Fifth form again and all those "pussy" gags. Sorry.

  9. He He He
    Excellent post
    I tried training Jungle Jane to use the toilet by hitting her with a stick , unfortunatley she hits back.
    I may have more luck with an innocent fluffy kitten , if it goes all regressive and starts lookin for brains.....it struck out with the Beast :-)

  10. Anonymous2:05 PM

    No hope five cats have fully trainer their human to feed them upon demand which is when ever they wake up at the same time. Too bad they outgrow the cute stage so soon....sigh....

  11. note to Pumpkin : wrong tense!Cats had us licked long ago.
    Had a friend who used to put his TV remote in front of his cat and say"Kill TV!" Cat would then stomp on the buttons. Party guests were easily amused...

  12. I don't do kittens. I had a dream the other night that a kitten's peepee got all excited and I have been paranoid that one will try to hump me ever since.

    Seriously, ever heard of a cat humping a leg?

  13. When Buddy Holly died it wasn't the day that the music died it was the day that the lemurs won, there was a flash in the sky moments before the plane crashed and Frankie Stardust the bloke that didn't get on the plane said there were at least two shifty looking cats at the airfield.
    A dream I had about Scott Bacula and Buddy Holly made me cum to realise that cats are Lemur spies, the wee shite are everywhere, killing birds is symbolic of killing angels because we all know that lemurs are in league with Satan.
    Now not wanting to sound crazy but this post could put yer life in danger, if you replace all the blood in yer body with malt vinegar you should be safe, well pickled and safe.

  14. I have a cat, Persian I think. I feed it, it shits, I feed it again. One day it wouldn't shut up. Honey! check for abscessed teeth....uh oh...no teeth. Cat is now getting can of cat goop. The expensive stuff. It just keeps living. sheesh!!!

  15. I definitely should have voted for the FLUFFY KITTENS topic. :)

    I've always looked at those hairless cats as some cruel twist of nature; now I know the ugly truth.

  16. Puppies are better and less unpleasant. And kittens smell funny...

  17. Very funny by the way! I was hoping for some pussy shots but there you go!

  18. Funny you should mention Charles Mingus. That was my boyfriend's former cat's name. His wife got it in the divorce.

    The cat, i mean. The cat named Mingus.

    I wanna thread a kitten.

  19. i couldn't believe what i was reading..and then it all made perfect first nations sense

    you had me going for a sec there, sugar! ;-)

  20. Oh you went and done it. I knew your seminal work on fluffy kittens was coming but still.....had a quick scroll-down; now I will pour myself a long strong one, tie myself to a chair and try to look.
    Help me someone...help....

  21. punpkin: have you seen the 'dogs day/cats day' diary article? if i can find it i'll email you the link. you're already familiar with half the contents.

    garfy: don't let it find all that 'catnip' in the attic!

    reg: someone had to do it. why not you? i am thinking about you, my darling XX

    beast: you're lucky she didn't take the whole arm off like that one movie with klaus kinski's daughter? where the guy is
    anyway, its cool.

    anon: when they start setting the hoop on fire before you jump through it, is when you start thinking about buying a rottweiler.

    dinah: coolest cat trick EVER!

    awaiting: sadly, yes. dreams like that are natures way of telling you to never, never own a cat. and not eat pizza before bed.

    knudson: simply knowing that i have inspired you to blank verse will keep me safe and warm. i knew you had poetry in your soul, and a parasitic alien attached to your corpus callosum.

    gale: is that a persian thing? my music teacher had a 300 year old toothless persian that wouldn't shut up. it looked like andy warhols wig.

    hoosier: you know what? i secretly love them and i want one. they are so goofy looking! but i wouldn't subject one to this climate so no go.

    muttley: as fate would have it, the last 'OBGYN' shots blogged were posted by our own Rattus rattus, Frobisher. the world's a sick place.

    claire: ...no, now, take responsibility. you know what you meant. well done!

    savannah: wait for the dugong expose'. it's a good thing i'm here otherwise people wouldn't know this stuff.

    ara: no kittehs were harmed in the making of this post, if that's what you're worried about. i heart the kittehs. even the barenekkid kittehs.

  22. I give you five stars. Come visit my blog and see my cat.

  23. Cthulhu kitteh ROOLZ! Did you make that yourself, or did you find it on the intrawebz?

    Another HELPFUL HINT: Cats can thread themselves! Simply leave your basket of leftover plastic "Easter grass" out for them to find. Soon your kitties will be flossing their own digestive tracts!*

    P.S.: This post made my leg all better. Ka-ZOWIE!

    * Really. This has happened in my household. More than once.

  24. first nations, where do you get this stuff?

  25. Is there any chance that old Knudie is somehow related to us? Man, he just UNDERSTANDS. Or he eats a lot of past-expiration cookie dough.
    Kitteh venom is teh suX0rZ. Is it contagious at all? What about hairballs? I always figgered those are wee little kitteh cocoons.

  26. marky: check. ive seen yours, youve seen mine. are we engaged now?

    danator: no, sadly i do not have the hard drive or the program or i would be a PHOTOSHOP GODDESS. kitty came from the interweb. and butt floss? yes, we've experienced the canine version of the post-easter 'what the hell is that?' catch and pull event.

    pink: beats me. but now do you understand why i chose not to pursue a career in business?

    ssa: i hate to admit to sharing anything with knudie, but....but...

    no i just cant. ew.

  27. I blog with a cranky manx on my lap, tho I remember when the internet was a fresh new sexual goldmine and she slept elswhere. She cracked a wee smile tonight. thankyou.

  28. Bill@redneckarts5:35 PM

    Sad to say, this resembles some days out here on my cat farm. And now that I've seen the fearless leader of the free world snacking, his political acumen makes more sense.

  29. I wants a cthulhu kitten! I am slightly concerned about how big he might get though.