What you should know about...FLUFFY KITTENS

The human race may not agree about many things, but everyone loves a sweet, fluffy kitten! Nobody who has ever cradled one in their hands and listened to that sweet, miniature purr can disagree.










No matter the breed...from the plainest, rough-and tumble- barn tabby to the pampered elegance of the pedigreed Persian, there's just something about a tiny kitten that makes the human heart melt.



So you want a pet? Thinking about a kitten? A place by the fire and a bowl of milk may have suited old Tom, but there's more than that to caring for a young kitten responsibly.

...EARLY CARE








Immediately after birth, the kitten should be examined carefully and the venom extracted. The amount will vary according to factors like gender, breed and order of birth.












A kitten from which the venom has not been successfully extracted will develop some troubling physical characteristics by the second week.













Once again, the traits your kitten displays will be influenced by a number of variables. The deadly 'Cthulhu' form is a rare recessive and is found mainly near the earths magnetic poles.










'Carniverous Lemurosid Bipedalism' in an unsuccessfully expressed kitten, New South Wales. Remodellers later discovered it, already midway through it's first pupation, in a cocoon beneath the house. Stinger and clasping mouthparts were present.






Mephitic Alopecia in a 2 week old kitten, Bournemouth, Dorset, UK. This family lost several dogs before the disorder was properly diagnosed; although not before the blood-sucking proboscis had developed.






...FUN WITH YOUR NEW PET


Old wives tales hold that a kitten cannot be trained. Nothing could be more far from the truth! Countless people have enjoyed the hours of companionship and fun that raining a kitten affords! And nothing is more engaging than to have the smallest and cutest member of the family do a 'star turn' when company comes to call!






For years French children have trained their kittens to jump through a hoop. This simple trick is accomplished with a willow hoop and a stick, which is used to 'persuade' the kitten that this is a good idea.















Remember: proper technique is important...a fact which beloved mime Marcel Marceau discovered much too late.






Your kitten can be trained to use the toilet-it's a fact! Using methods originally popularized by jazz legend Charles Mingus*, relatively inexpensive products are now widely available that include everything you need.











More than likely you'll find this process a lot more entertaining than your cat will.






...HELPFUL HINTS




Even though your new kitten may be cute enough to eat, we don't gnaw on our kitty.









Have you ever tried to make a man lactate by putting him in a training bra and sticking a kitten on his tit?




It doesn't work.







Remember to READ THE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY before you use your kitten as the meat component in a cybernetic organism.










Threading the kitten is tricky. HAVE PATIENCE...and don't forget your sense of humor! Soon you'll be making beautiful area rugs, bathmats and hall runners that your family will admire for years to come!







...IT'S ALL ABOUT LOVE

Using a little good sense and a lot of love, your kitten will give you many happy years of companionship. Nothing rivals the feeling that you get from nurturing a small, helpless life, watching it change, and grow...















...and grow, and divide, and shed toxic spores, and


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*Bullshit, right?
Hint: his cats' name was 'Nightlife'.