Tuesday, December 04, 2007

quaint vignettes from my charming rural idyll

THANK YOU ALL! You saved the day!!!

...Captain Pork Products emerges from the underbrush

I am impressed. I had no idea there were so many snack-like things in the world. I'm not going to say who's ideas made the cut and who's did not because then certain people (who know who they are) would be all like "Woo woo! I'm all hot! You're not snot! Loser, loser, loser-pants! Couldn't get in to the King of France! Underpants! Underpants!" and that's really immature.
We don't do immaturity around here.

Once again its time for the annual 'Oh My God We ALL Gonna DIE Festival of Morons" here in Western Washington as the rain rains and the wind winds.

Click for the making of bigness:

This happened last year. And you all had the same exact cow last year. What the fuck.

Most of you haven't even scrubbed the high-water marks from last year off your living room walls yet and you're acting like this shit never happened before. You live in a flood zone. It flooded the first winter you moved in. It's flooded every year thereafter.
It just flooded again.
And every year we end up rescuing the same stupid group of you off your roofs and
out of your cars. Oh yes. Because when there's water over the roadway and it's 2 feet deep, and there's a current, with whitecaps, and migrating salmon, AND THE POLICE ARE GOING PAST IN ZODIAC BOATS WITH BULLHORNS TELLING YOU TO STAY IN YOUR HOUSES THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD DO IS GO HOP IN THE CAR AND TAKE A FUCKING DRIVE!! OH HELL YES! LETS ALL PILE INTO THE GREMLIN AND HEAD DOWN TO WAL-MART!!! WE'LL STOCK UP ON BRATZ DOLLS!!!

Meanwhile here in the Zone of Mystery things are damp; we have rain, there are puddles...a few downed trees...it's a balmy 52 degrees out and my rose bush has broken blossom.

Recall, though; this is not the Zone of Mystery because it isn't zonal or mysterious. I've done posts on the weird shit we call weather here...upside-down canopies of rain, small local tornadoes, no flooding when the rest of the state is under water...

Seattle-King County weather -rain
sumas- SNOW
Seattle-King County weather -sunny, fair
Seattle-King County weather - gale force winds, freezing rain

Come the heavy snows down south we'll see the same thing. OO look, a blizzard! Let's all pile into the Yugo and head out down I-5 with nothing registering on the fuel gauge and no windshield wipers, get in a wreck, sit in the car and drink piss for three days and then bitch about how the highway department doesn't keep the roads clear.

Then there's always:

" We were cold so we decided to seal up all the doors and windows with duct tape and fire up the barbecue in the baby's room and now we just can't figure out why we're ALL DEAD"

"The power went out so we plugged in every electrical appliance we own and turned them all on so that we'd know when the electricity came back and now we can't figure out WHY OUR HOUSE BURNED DOWN AND WE'RE ALL DEAD"

"We bought this really shitty 40 year old single-wide mobile home right at the bottom of this freshly-clearcut hillside and then the rain came and there was a mudslide and now my home is a 'not-wide' and so am I OH WHY IS GOD SO CRUEL"

" Well yes I've been sitting in front of the television eating Fritos for six years and I have a heart condition and yes as a matter of fact I don't drive but I had to go outside in the blizzard and shovel the snow off the driveway because I didn't spend all that money on plastic flamingoes just to let the rest of the place go to hell AND NOW MY STUPID ASS IS DEAD AND IT SNOWED ON ME AND NOBODY WILL NOTICE UNTIL IT THAWS AND THE NEIGHBORS' DOGS START EATING MY FACE"

"So we live in a 3 million dollar hillside home perched on two-by-fours bolted into a sandstone formation facing south overlooking Puget Sound and once the winds and the rains picked up there was this loud cracking sound and now we can't figure out why everything is upside down or WHY THERE ARE SQUID COMING IN UNDER THE FRONT DOOR OR WHY WE ALL DROWNED"

"I don't understand why I can't hike 2 miles down to the mailbox in a northeaster wearing nothing but a robe and barefoot in the middle of winter if I want to by God this is America and it's a free country EXCEPT OF COURSE NOW I'M TOO DAMN DEAD TO APPRECIATE THAT FACT"
...Oh say, lets not forget the upcoming holiday season!

Nothing says "I care about my loved ones" more than dying on the side of a glacier as a result of your own selfishness and lack of forethought just in time for Christmas!

Imagine their festive glee as they celebrate a Christmas forever overshadowed by the anniversary of your stupidass demise!

Yes, throw out those tire chains, leave that gps locational device at home! The alpine summits beckon and the sun is going down...there's a blizzard predicted so lets bring the kids!!
Dress lightly! Adidas are fine! Oh, lets take the Volkswagen! NO, silly, the vintage bug; the one with no heater, bald tires and the tiny engine powered by burning scraps of paper! Now I'll forget to take a map and you put your cell phone right here in the washing machine. Did you tell anyone we had plans? No? Good! Spontaneity!


  1. you know you are gonna be makin wild boar stuffed mushrooms!!! i know it!! i won, i won!!!! ha ha ha...
    *pumping fist into air and doin the dance*

  2. If I wanted to, I could get in the King of France's underpants, I just don't want to and you can't make me.

    We had a freezy rain the other day and I heard someone on the radio say, "The snow caused at least 12 deaths". NO, the snow did not cause the deaths (they were referring to traffic accidents), stupid people caused the deaths.

    Maybe there's something to this darwin stuff.

  3. inner voices: as strange fate would have it we just lucked onto a side of domestic boar. but i'm not going to tell you what we plan to do with it. we might make furniture. we might nail it to the side of the garage and fire paintballs at it. so ha.

    'shot: i'd like to believe that but the idiots appear to be winning. *sigh*

  4. good to see natural selection is still at work, though. no offense, but it's good to weed out those not understanding the stupidity of wandering into avalanche zones in the dead of winter with no gps devices and no phone and not tell anyone. sorry.

    also, i love that picture. Are you calling Bellingham a southern state? WTF mate.

  5. Ha ha - I love Mr Porky! Is he being attacked by a legion of Killer Hors D'oeuvres?

    Re: your rose-bush - snap. I had to tell my gladioli to go back to bed this morning but they are already over 12" high. And the grape hyacinths have all bloomed. Terrible. Wrong. Help. xx

  6. I'd like Mr Porky to come round and cook for me. Does he do weddings?

  7. oh sweet mother of mac and cheese no one says it like you do.

    (do YOU do weddings? it seems i'm in the market for a caterer...!)

  8. "I had no idea there were so many snack-like things in the world."

    We are omnivores, all the world's a snack. No, sod it, let's break out of Newtonion space and Jamie Oliver cuisine: The universe is munchable. Say it loud and say it long (but don't talk with your mouth full, that doesn't do too much for me).

  9. Anonymous4:46 PM

    we all know she's gonna make my cheese ball. heck, it takes 5 minutes (if you're slow like beast maybe longer if you're off chasing someone - frobisher). plus, she just likes me better. neener!

    it never snows here. rain, most definately. get colder than rudolph's ass? you betcha. snow? we wouldn't be so lucky.

  10. This is why one of my favorite websites is the Darwin Awards - natural selection! Some people are too stupid live. Famous last words...hey watch this!!!

  11. On yer advice I bought a load of Bratz dolls in case theres a storm, like mountain climbers, policemen and soldiers they are all selfish fuckers as they might get killed. I just think if yer stupid enough to marry them then tough shit.

    The river Avon in england floods every year but the well off people there say its worth it because its a beautiful looking place, thats like shagging a hot chick bare back knowing she has VD.

  12. Just what the world needs - a porcine superhero. What are his special powers?

  13. Anonymous12:12 AM

    OH my God, sistah, I am laughing so hard (cause this sounds exactly like today's noon news only better) that the tears are running down my face and this despite living in the zone labeled "Who Cares?" on your map. In the future, could you label it as having something to do with Pierce County having the best crime in the world, or maybe something about the unique passtimes practiced in Enumclaw? Because, we do care. We really, really do.

  14. Pink Drama: my cheeseball recipe's better than your cheeseball recipe. obviously she made mine! Double neener!

  15. No need to say which recipes you prefer ;)

    Chaucer & Pink: I heard your cheeseballs didn't even make it thru to boot camp.

  16. ***coughs politley***
    ***picks nose up off floor***
    Are all those things wrong then ???

    See I have difficulty understanding since I froze to death , drowned , and got half eaten by the dog last winter.
    The flies seem to like me tho

  17. Cheeseballs????? are we back to the King of Frances underpants again ???

  18. Oi, thou shalt not blaspheme the cheeseball!

  19. Anonymous7:26 AM

    beast - i would say grow up, but that's impossible.

    cb - tell em sister!

  20. I came here via Kristy's blog and you really cracked me up with your writing!! If you don't mind, I'd like to post a link to this post on my blog b/c it's just too funny.
    Did you see the footage of people driving their boat up to the Walmart in Centralia or Chehalis?

    I, too, live in "Who Cares" (Bonney Lake) and this time we were spared a direct hit.

  21. how does it go... "kill em all, let god sort em out." its just too bad that people that stupid still manage to procreate.
    and you do have some boar meat? got to make the stuffed mushrooms then, just think when is the last time youve had some stuffed mushrooms?!?! been a while hasnt it. ill get the recipe from cheese if you cant remember how they are done....

  22. Stuffing things with me boar meat

    *** has an attack of schoolboy sniggering ****

  23. Dang, I missed putting in my recipe. I say just serve whiskey. That should make for a good time. Nothing like a few drunken folks stumbling around fondling everyone to make fer one fab party. That is until the morning comes...not that'd I'd know or anything. You know I am innocent and pure. ...if only I can figure out how I got four kids? Baffles me...

  24. But I thought the King of France didn't wear knickers? Or am I getting mixed up with Catherine di Medici? Or is that the point?

  25. Woo woo! I'm all hot! You're not snot! Loser, loser, loser-pants! Couldn't get in to the King of France! Underpants! Underpants!

  26. "...die slowly and horribly..."
    To which I might (in my nastier moments) say deservedly.

    Thought of you and other friends in the PNW corner when we saw TV news shots. Stay home, kid.Maybe make one o' them thar Injun canoes?

  27. I keep a freezer full of dead cow to tide me over such contingencies.

    I've even got a mini generator that produces sufficient power to keep my freezer freezing and fuel my xbox 360.

    I should be in National Geographic.

  28. You made me smile.

    I just got off a month of picketing in Canadian freeze your ass off weather....-20 C plus windchill outside for 4 hours at a time and some people complained they were cold...while not wearing ski pants or a hat or anything.
    Although it pains me to say it, I think severe weather weeds out the herd. It's the only logical thing I can come up with. I mean, I've lived up north here all my life and I know how to dress to be warm in winter...but maybe they figured "I might ruin my *hair* and look fat my winter kit, so hmmm I just don't know..."

    There's a lake near where I live where people's cabins flood EVERY year and they keep wanting the government to help them out...even tho they know it floods...and floods worse every year (this year the water didn't even go doen all the way) but they keep coming back and building there. And whining when it happens again.
    I don't get it. I really don't.