Monday, February 18, 2008


This one goes out to Beast on his bed of pain._______________

I'd like to invite you to an absolutely typical grocery store in one small corner of the United States. Lets go! I call shotgun!

Here we are approaching the produce department:

Oranges. Just oranges. Only oranges. One display of oranges nearly large enough to merit it's own representative in the State Legislature. While we contemplate the oranges we turn left and are greeted with the next image:

The juice aisle. Just juice. Only Juice. Apple, grape, orange, strawberry, agave, peach, pear...pretty much anything that can be squoze and won't fight back. A vast vista of juice stretching off to a tiny point in the distance.
Ignore the damn beans on the endcap. Lalalalalala wooooooooooOOOOoalalalala.

Turning once again toward the vegetable department we bid a fond farewell to the juice aisle and leave the oranges behind to ponder the finer points of the state budget.
Here we see the Mexican section! You will note the distinct absence of Mexicans. Instead we have agave leaves, nopalitos, tomatillos, jicama, papayas, green things and things in a white container, and and lots of other stuff that Mexicans presumably are fond of chewing on.

Here we see the rest of the produce department stretching out like a vast expanse of expansive vastness...row after row of slave-plucked radicchio redolent of Peruvian pesticide; Zom-beans sprung from gel-filled plastic troughs of petroleum-derived nutrient solution, taking shape beneath an ersatz sun.
At least, that describes the affordable stuff. The rest is organic.

They might not make a Crayola in your tint but they know 'you folks' like to eat too! The finest products of the Ethnian countryside have been selected for your easily-tanned delectation!
And because y'all insist on eating this weird shit we've jacked up the price all high in order to train you to eat like normal folks. Fricken' water chestnuts my aunt Mary; geeze. Eat people food.

Here's what we mean. This is what we're talkin about.
Nearly one quarter of the entire store is devoted to this department...we're talking MEAT.


Here is the dead chicken department! As you can see you can even choose the region of the nation you want your dead chicken to be from. Southern chickens sell for 50 cents less a pound on the main. Why? It's a SECRET.
You can get any part of a chicken here that you want, too. I am not playing. There is a man back there behind the dead chicken counter and you can knock on the window and say 'Dude, I need seventeen pounds of them weirdass doodly thingies from a chicken head' and he will give you a bag of them. No lie. They come frozen in a bigass chunk and the guy chips you off a piece (I guess they call it an 'Ice-bird'! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

This is the Pig Parts section. You can buy any part of a pig here that you want. Even dick. Of course they don't sell it under the name 'pig dick'; its all ground up in sausage. But really when you think about it, it's not like it would look particularly dickish lying there in the cooler anyway because pig dicks are all weird; they could name it something nice like 'natural sausage' and maybe they would sell a bunch.
Shit, they sell every other damn pig part and some of them are freakier than dick. Like ear. And Nose. Hell yeah. Gimme a fuckin pig nose right now; I'd like to stick that right in my mouth.

Then theres face. Yes, face.
'Yes, I'd like four pig faces; we're planning on a nice face dinner this evening my good man. Make sure they have a friendly expression.'
No. Just, no.
Who looked at this and thought 'Oh yeah; that'd be fucking tasty. "
It wouldn't have occurred to me. ( I'm waiting for them to go on sale; then I'll stock up.)

Here we have the tiny taco section of the Meat Department.

What? Your meat department does not have a tiny taco section? You mean to tell me that you cannot just whup on in to the local supermarket and buy yourself a scoop of frozen miniature tacos whenever the whim takes you? *sNERRRRRRRkkkk* Yeah, um, wow. That sucks pretty bad. *SNOOrrrkk*

Look what I found next to the tiny taco section!!

I love them REAL GOOD.

Here are the corndogs! It's nice to know that you no longer have to wait for a fair or a carnival in order to get this kind of fine cuisine. You can just heave a couple-three of these in the microwave and VOILA. ANY TIME YOU WANT. You don't have to beg and plead and whine anymore like when you were a kid at the fair and your parents were all 'no you can't have a dollar to buy one of those junky things it'll make you sick.' HA ON THEM.

Here we are looking down into HOTDOG PURGATORY. Not bad enough to be good, not good enough to be steak. You could even think of them as naked corndogs; they're long past caring. Buy some, won't you?

And here we are at our last stop on the way to the check-out stand; racks and racks and racks and racks of CANDY, all displayed in small transparent coffins; just like Lenin. Each according to their need.

The sweet thing with the shopping cart in the foreground is not a part of the display. I know! She should be, huh!

Well that was fun, wasn't it? I know I had fun. Maybe next time we'll go someplace else! Would you like that? Of course you would. Now go away.


  1. Is this what caused Beast to utter that he "imagined the reptilian hissss of Yum Yum fresh meat."?

  2. sounds more like he's been into Frobi's stash to me...dayum.

  3. Frobi's stash, yeah. Beast's sounding very Hunter S. Thompson-esque.

    Is that HORMEL products I see in the background? Makers of SPAM?

  4. I wouldn't let Beast anywhere near my gash!

    Wow, just wow, I'd come to America just to go shopping in that supermarket. It's HUGE!!!! Pig faces, yeah! imagine the fun at the local Mosque

  5. I want a pig face , I can get all nekkid on a full moon and dance about in the local woods wearing me a pig face , and then come home and cook it for a late supper.
    I cant believe how empty your supermarket is , the Bournemouth ones are always heaving with masses of people , screaming kids and moaning old grannies.Yours looks like supermarket heaven.

  6. Do the pig faces swell up to three dimensions if you soak them in lukewarm water for a few hours?

    I'd be terrified of being in a supermarket that's that big. I'd get lost in the orange aisle and start bawling and would want my mummy.

  7. Oh Nations, you always take me to the best places. Can we go to the zoo next or the underwear dept of the local Wally World? Perhaps a car parts store. You pick. I can hardly wait.

  8. I come from the land of plenty!

    This overchoice would be considered downright obscene in so many other parts of the world.
    America F*ck Yeah!

    I remember the Newsguy saying that atleast 20 people have handled the Produce before it gets to your fridge eeew...

    and even a casual viewer of CSI now knows that the entire world is splattered in semen! EEEWWW!

  9. mj: hail yes. hormel, makers of that fine product beloved of alaskans everywhere. Spam is the alaskan state bird, you know.

    frobi: Come on by! I'll really mess with your head and take you down to Seattle to the Costco makes this place look like a quickiemart.

    beast: this was midday on a monday. around 4pm the place gets jamming. it's on the main north-south highway from Canada too so it really rakes in the bux.

    betty: the pigface is a ringer; i ganked that off the web. the less i know about the preparation of 'Pigface in a bag' the better.

    gale: you're on, chickie. I'm headed to Wally World in a couple of days.

    HomoE: well thanks for that lovely thought. thanks particularly for the adjective 'splattered'. that made the image so much more vivid.
    -isn't it just freakin' obscene? even if you think of it in terms of just one ingredient; like say 'Sugar'...there must be tons of it in this place alone! and theres eight major grocery stores in a five mile radius of this place, not counting the zillion quickstop and specialty markets!

  10. do i remember seeing a sign that said "simply ethnic"?
    um... what? they sell ethinics? amazing!
    and yeah your store seems empty? twenty four hours? and your done feeding on the peasants in the village, time to stock up on pig dicks and faces for the after hours vampire party at yer place? nice... wheres my invite?

  11. oh man. that store just seems SO GROSS now. they have amazing selection, but it's pretty goddamned obscene.
    i love how horrified I look throughout. It was a true feeling.

  12. That is all very well and good but where was the guns 'n' ammo section?
    I was expecting a fine selection of pump action shotguns, assault rifles, bazookas, and dum dum bullets.

    That's what I admire most about the land of the free. Choice.

    Our sausages have to contain at least 60% pork (lips, eyes, nostrils, and penis). Yum.

  13. voices: hell yes; 24 hours. you never know when you might suddenly run slap out of PIG FACES, dude.

    ssa: i know; doesn't the mind boggle? and like i said, eight major food markets in a 5 mile radius of it!!!!

    garfy: oh sweetheart, thats Wal-Mart. this is a FOOD STORE. that's why you can buy paperback novels and socks there.

  14. well, i was enjoying my lunch until i read this post. i see you found caillou.

  15. Hahaha... Supermarkets rule.
    We have one near us. You go to it if you want to feel slim, good lookin', and well dressed.
    'Cause it's full of ugly fat women with those leggings that have a strap under the foot.
    And screaming small children running round and round because they think they're in a wonderful candy land. And they think they're a siren. And all the ugly women are screaming 'BRRRIIIITTNNEEYYYYY! GET BACK HERE YOU BAD GIRL!!'
    Except the kid I saw the other day- he was pushing a pram with a doll in it so he could be 'just like mummy'. I gave him a sweet.

  16. I think you have "made my day." I may now have to shoot you...pig face.

  17. I've just thought...perhaps some of the stores down town will have a "flood sale" and I can get cheap stuff!

  18. Um nice variety, the ethnic/pig parts reminds me of the frozen pig ovaries that were for sale in a small grocery store in Barrow, Alaska. Came in on the jet, I'm sure someone purchased them and cooked something.

  19. Good Lord. Do you you need rollerskates to get around in that place? This is why most Amurricans drive everywhere in those giant mothafukkin' behemoth trucks: because you need to outfit yourself with sherpas for a day-long hike just to get through the grocery store.

    Grocery stores in NYC: more crowded, dirtier & expensive, but much less likely to drive you screaming mad, hunting for an exit you swear you saw three miles ago.

    As for "simply ethnic," we've got that all over. The other day we ordered tacos, ourselves. They actually came with water chestnuts in them, because they were made by Chinese people.

    BTW is that the Gooneybird? My word - he's turned into a little man!

    P.S.: You do realize that's a vegetarian corn dog, don't you?