Friday, February 22, 2008

If you ain't Dutch....

Wow you guys! The votes were just OVERWHELMING! You could have asked to see lots of interesting places, say, strip clubs, breweries, libraries...but you wanted to see Lynden! You wacky wacky folks! Well OK then, lets go!!

Here we are just outside city limits. Those loops are dormant raspberry bushes caned over for their second year of production.

And here we are coming up Vinup road going through the 'Homestead' development. Seven years ago this was Hereford pasturage. No street, no pinoaks, no houses, nothing. Now it's clone housing. I know, I know, we're almost there! It's exciting, isn't it?

And here we are on Front Street!YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Oh, I know what you're thinking..."Nations, I thought you lived in America! But this looks EXACTLY LIKE HOLLAND!"

No, really! It's not anywhere near Holland! I know...spooky, huh? It's DOWNTOWN LYNDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, Lynden... final destination for hundreds of immigrant Dutch for some reason that's never been explained fully ('mass deportation' springs immediately to mind here) the early Nederlandische remade this peaceful little town on the Nooksack River in their own image. Which in this case seems to mean scattering lots of windmills around. Because everyone knows that windmills MEAN Holland!
And Greece. Holland and Greece.
And Brittany.
So, Greece, Brittany and Holland.
Windmills. Yeah.

You can stay overnight in this windmill. The propeller spins around, too. Inside the little shopping center it's attached to there's a huge 'canal' full of enormous koi fish that will put their heads out of the water and beg for food, which is cool. There is also a huge wooden shoe you can sit in. The last time I was there I got my butt stuck in it, which was both intelligent and stylish.

I think this windmill is just for decoration. Now truthfully there could be windmillish activities going on inside there but I've never been in it so I don't know. Another thing I don't know is why they need a windmill in a mini mall.

When the wind blows from the right direction the entire town lifts off the ground a couple of inches. No really.

and more.

This one used to light up like there were people living inside. Presumably tiny Dutch people. Living tiny Dutch lives.

And here's something else that Lynden is famous for:

Welcome to America!
Hey, why aren't you stopping? Hey! Hey stop! Spend some money!

Why aren't you stoppi-HEY! HEY STOP!

No really, we're really-WHY WON'T YOU STOP? IS THIS CREEPING YOU OUT OR SOMETHING? GOD SAID WE COULD DO THIS!!!! We have permission! Hey!

You see why I write all that stuff about womens rights, folks? Are you beginning to get the picture here? Good.

Now go wash up and then we'll all go skin pop some heroin, ok?


  1. Bloody Dutch and their dykes.

  2. Can't have too many windmills.

  3. My grandmother was Dutch. I loved the windmills. Do they have a wooden shoe factory too? The abortion signs I could do without. Don't those just make you crazy?

  4. you seriously made dad chaffeur you around lynden just to do this picture post, dintcha.
    Did you know that the second windmill shown, the one at the minimall across from the fairgrounds (which you FORGOT to include in all their dutch glory) was a *forced* windmill? Oh yes! The city forced the developers to add that lovely detail after the planning had been submitted, according to county scuttlebutt.
    Meanwhile, we went to a beer tasting party at my midwife's! It was excellent and surprising - beers I usually like tasted like shit in a blind taste test. Poo. I blame the souls of the innocents.

  5. Hey I didn't vote for Lynden. I voted for your knickers drawer!!!

    I've been to this scary-ass town and eaten pannekoeken in its Dutch Mothers restaurant with its waitresses wearing wooden shoes.

    And a PA system on Main Street broadcasting religious muzak to brainwash the lobotomized masses.

    Get me a ticket outta town and fast!

  6. How many votes did you get for your knickers drawer, by the way?

    I want a recount.

  7. You are the best tour guide EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. knudie:don't lead me up to the inevitable and then drop me like a sack of potatoes you churl!


    cecile: all the shoes are imported from...wait for it....china. yup.

    ssa: the fairgrounds didn't look terrible dutch so much as they just looked like a bunch of green metal buildings. and I drove MYSELF around thenkew. i heard too that people did away with all the kissing dutch kid statues because one of the churches started complaining that it was 'inappropriate'.

    mj: thousands.

    gale: why thanks! i do it all for you. (BLAME GALE, FOLKS.)

  9. Dammit I voted for the Geriatric toilet horror and then Chilliwack (home of godliness).
    But Lynden looks good in all its windmilltastic glory.

    We in the UK havnt forgiven the Dutch quite yet , they are not as bad as the French....but well who knows what heathen practices they get up to with all them tulips. Its not natural.

  10. this doesnt look like a strip club!? do i go through this back door painted green then?
    *opens green door in back of lynden and says*
    "oh i see where the party is at! the lyden tour was just the portal! see you all on the inside!"

    *waves to cecile*

  11. I've always had a fondness for windmills. Probably something to do with the fact that there was a fashion for people having minature ones in people's gardens when I was a nipper (... unless I was hallucinating!).

    Strange thing, though - when I was travelling by train through Holland I seem to remember seeing girls in bikinis sprawled in chairs in the windows of flats on the outskirts of Amsterdam rather than windmills ...

  12. Anonymous12:56 PM

    The windmills are pretty - sorry, but they just are.

  13. If I moved to Lynden, I'd start up a windmill-powered abortion clinic. It would be a public service AND I could watch some of the locals' heads explode. Fun!

  14. For the authentic "Dutch experience" can you buy marijuana in Lynden?

    You know all these years and I was under the impression that The Simpsons was warped satire. How wrong I was its true!

  15. Do you think that there are all those Dutch people because they started out with two but never had abortions?

  16. Ik ben zo pleased dat u hebt beslist de scheppers van houten schoenen te eren! Zij vonden ook de Internationale koffie van het Bankwezen en van de Hasjiesj... en het concept het delen van de kosten van een maaltijd uit. Goed-gedaan!

    Pass the dutchie to the right hand side!
    Iffen you needen to usen BabelFish heren it issen..

  17. Where is this so-called 101 list? I don't believe you.

  18. I've just installed iStripper, so I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.