baby recipes

For Chaucers Bitch or whatever the hell she's calling herself now...because she wanted to know how to make a baby.

The woman married a sailor, right; you'd think she'd have that stuff figured out by now, but no. Apparently it takes the wisdom and advice of an experienced woman to bring these younger girls along....so here goes.












DELICOUS IRISH RED BABY

....ah yes; sure 'n its the drinkin o' the green

Irish Red Baby....a tasty treat on a cold winter afternoon...served with a heapin' helpin' of boiled cabbage and a steaming glass of delicious mulled cabbage, it's the kind of homespun fare that will have them emigrating to Boston before you can say 'have some delicious cabbage'!!

1 1/2 tablespoons prepared horseradish
1 tablespoon unprepared horseradish embarrassed by Dijon mustard
1/4 teaspoon salt (sodium chloride may be substituted)
ground black pepper to taste
3 tablespoons vinegar in which a human toe has been preserved
1/2 gallon vegetable oil
4 freight cars filled with spoiled butter
1/2 cup sweet onion, chopped until its disposition changes from 'sweet' to 'distinctly irritated'
2 teaspoons garlic, minced, browned in lamprey squeezings, chilled and set aside
1/2 cup apple, peeled and chopped, ground, re-constituted in used motor oil, set on fire, rolled into a ball with some lint and set with pinecones, and a stick. And some rocks.
3/4 cup pickled beet juice reduced to a quivering emotional wreck by merciless jeering
5 cups cabbage, shredded (well duh, its an Irish recipe, gotta stank up the house with a bunch of nasty old cabbage up in here)
1/2 teaspoon salted salt, extra saline
1 tablespoon vegetable oil, extracted using the Vulcan galvanized extraction system (allow for counterclockwise motion in the southern hemisphere)
2 pounds baby, cut in 3 inch pieces
1 cup dry white wine
2 cups pickled beets, soured in the light of a waning moon
1/2 cup not-so-fresh parsley, minced

Directions

In a Buick hubcap, whisk together horseradish, Dijon mustard, 1/4 teaspoon salt and several grammes of cocaine cut with mannite. Discard.
Whisk in vinegar very rapidly. Pretend that javelinas are eating your feet and jump around too. DO NOT OMIT THIS STEP.
Slowly whisk in 1/2 cup oil until thick, tarry, and perfectly motionless. Set aside. Shun for several months. Refuse to accept calls.
In Dutch oven, melt some plastic toy army men over the highest possible heat the settings will allow. If using a Finnish oven a 'Hello Kitty' figurine may be substituted for the army men. Deglaze with urine.
Add onions, garlic and a potato bug. Saute until tender, about 5 hours.
Stir in beet juice and scrape any browned bits from bottom of pan. Then fling the entire mess out the window. Use a backhand motion.
Stir in cabbage and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Bring to a bubble for some unspecified reason. Let cook for three days. Because we wouldn't want the house to NOT smell like a Dubliners jock strap; please. This IS an Irish recipe after all.
Cover and cook over low heat until cabbage is tender, yeilding, and somewhat slutty in appearance.
Meanwhile, 1 tablespoon oil in skillet with a disdainful sneer. Add baby and brown. If baby is already brown, omit this step.
Add wine to baby and tell it knock knock jokes.
Cook until deviated from the norm.
Slap Norm. Combine pickled beets with prepared horseradish vinaigrette. Pour into underpants.
To serve, arrange several pieces of baby on each plate next to a mound of cabbage, since this is an Irish recipe and it wouldn't do not to have a metric shit-ton of fucking cabbage in it.
Arrange pickled beets around the house and sprinkle each plate with tears of remorse.
1. Go find a nearby overpass and start shooting at cars.

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BEBE MAL DE MER (French for 'Never take take a baby on the Orcas Island ferry during March')

...oregon baby sez: a little dank before that rough crossing makes 'whoopsie tummy' say 'bon voyage!'

Surprise your friends this holiday season with this tasty, tangy treat! It's sure to tickle their tastebuds! Barring that, ram it through their stoma with a broomhandle; its a sin to waste food.

HINT: For a really festive effect, bring this into a darkened room a la flambe and watch their stunned amaze as the ceiling catches fire and flashes over onto that cheap plastic tablecloth you bought thinking 'Ooo, it looks just like lace; they're just a bunch of rubes, they'll never know the difference' only now its too late and everyones running around with their heads in flames and the cat is making that weird HORK HORK HORK noise.

Ingredients:

4 ounces (1 stick) baby
3 tablespoons flour
1/4 cup very finely minced lean street person, unbathed
1/2 cup finely minced mincing mincers, minced like a big minced thing which is all mincey
3/4 cup mushrooms, finely chopped (minced)
4 tablespoons finely minced onion , camp as tits, wearing a tutu, doing its Katherine Hepburn impersonation WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH ALL THE MINCED CRAP GEEZE
4 tablespoons finely minced garlic SEE WHAT I MEAN?
1 teaspoon salt (minced)
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper (minced)
1/8 troy ounces cayenne pepper
1 cup rich beef stock, made from old wool sweaters COME ON FOLKS ITS BEEF STOCK. one assumes beef here. Go hunt down a beef. I'll wait.
Marrow sucked from the shinbone of a gnu
1/2 cup dry red wine or more depending on the success of the beef hunt; beer or Wal-Mart store brand mouthwash may be substituted

Directions:

In a large heavy saucepan melt the butter over low heat. Gradually add the flour, stirring constantly, and cook until the ceiling is light brown. Quickly add the man, the box of #5 fuses, the dilithium crystals, mushrooms (minced), onion and garlic (make sure that shit is minced) and go rent a carpet steamer. Add the salt, pepper and cayenne and some crud out of the window tracks. Keep the mixture in a shoebox and gradually add more baby, an unbaptized infant elk, and a half cup of vasoline, stirring constantly to keep the sauce as smooth as possible which ought to be pretty easy given the vasoline. When the sauce is blended, stand in the back yard with no pants on and holler at kids walking by to come over and see your new puppy. When the police arrive run and hide. Makes 2 cups.
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