Monday, December 15, 2008

baby recipes

For Chaucers Bitch or whatever the hell she's calling herself now...because she wanted to know how to make a baby.

The woman married a sailor, right; you'd think she'd have that stuff figured out by now, but no. Apparently it takes the wisdom and advice of an experienced woman to bring these younger girls along....so here goes.












DELICOUS IRISH RED BABY

....ah yes; sure 'n its the drinkin o' the green


Irish Red Baby....a tasty treat on a cold winter afternoon...served with a heapin' helpin' of boiled cabbage and a steaming glass of delicious mulled cabbage, it's the kind of homespun fare that will have them emigrating to Boston before you can say 'have some delicious cabbage'!!


  • 1 1/2 tablespoons prepared horseradish
  • 1 tablespoon unprepared horseradish embarrassed by Dijon mustard
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt (sodium chloride may be substituted)
  • ground black pepper to taste
  • 3 tablespoons vinegar in which a human toe has been preserved
  • 1/2 gallon vegetable oil
  • 4 freight cars filled with spoiled butter
  • 1/2 cup sweet onion, chopped until its disposition changes from 'sweet' to 'distinctly irritated'
  • 2 teaspoons garlic, minced, browned in lamprey squeezings, chilled and set aside
  • 1/2 cup apple, peeled and chopped, ground, re-constituted in used motor oil, set on fire, rolled into a ball with some lint and set with pinecones, and a stick. And some rocks.
  • 3/4 cup pickled beet juice reduced to a quivering emotional wreck by merciless jeering
  • 5 cups cabbage, shredded (well duh, its an Irish recipe, gotta stank up the house with a bunch of nasty old cabbage up in here)
  • 1/2 teaspoon salted salt, extra saline
  • 1 tablespoon vegetable oil, extracted using the Vulcan galvanized extraction system (allow for counterclockwise motion in the southern hemisphere)
  • 2 pounds baby, cut in 3 inch pieces
  • 1 cup dry white wine
  • 2 cups pickled beets, soured in the light of a waning moon
  • 1/2 cup not-so-fresh parsley, minced

Directions

  1. In a Buick hubcap, whisk together horseradish, Dijon mustard, 1/4 teaspoon salt and several grammes of cocaine cut with mannite. Discard.
  2. Whisk in vinegar very rapidly. Pretend that javelinas are eating your feet and jump around too. DO NOT OMIT THIS STEP.
  3. Slowly whisk in 1/2 cup oil until thick, tarry, and perfectly motionless. Set aside. Shun for several months. Refuse to accept calls.
  4. In Dutch oven, melt some plastic toy army men over the highest possible heat the settings will allow. If using a Finnish oven a 'Hello Kitty' figurine may be substituted for the army men. Deglaze with urine.
  5. Add onions, garlic and a potato bug. Saute until tender, about 5 hours.
  6. Stir in beet juice and scrape any browned bits from bottom of pan. Then fling the entire mess out the window. Use a backhand motion.
  7. Stir in cabbage and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Bring to a bubble for some unspecified reason. Let cook for three days. Because we wouldn't want the house to NOT smell like a Dubliners jock strap; please. This IS an Irish recipe after all.
  8. Cover and cook over low heat until cabbage is tender, yeilding, and somewhat slutty in appearance.
  9. Meanwhile, 1 tablespoon oil in skillet with a disdainful sneer. Add baby and brown. If baby is already brown, omit this step.
  10. Add wine to baby and tell it knock knock jokes.
  11. Cook until deviated from the norm.
  12. Slap Norm. Combine pickled beets with prepared horseradish vinaigrette. Pour into underpants.
  13. To serve, arrange several pieces of baby on each plate next to a mound of cabbage, since this is an Irish recipe and it wouldn't do not to have a metric shit-ton of fucking cabbage in it.
  14. Arrange pickled beets around the house and sprinkle each plate with tears of remorse.
  15. Go find a nearby overpass and start shooting at cars.
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BEBE MAL DE MER (French for 'Never take take a baby on the Orcas Island ferry during March')

...oregon baby sez: a little dank before that rough crossing makes 'whoopsie tummy' say 'bon voyage!'


Surprise your friends this holiday season with this tasty, tangy treat! It's sure to tickle their tastebuds! Barring that, ram it through their stoma with a broomhandle; its a sin to waste food.

HINT: For a really festive effect, bring this into a darkened room a la flambe and watch their stunned amaze as the ceiling catches fire and flashes over onto that cheap plastic tablecloth you bought thinking 'Ooo, it looks just like lace; they're just a bunch of rubes, they'll never know the difference' only now its too late and everyones running around with their heads in flames and the cat is making that weird HORK HORK HORK noise.



Ingredients:
4 ounces (1 stick) baby
3 tablespoons flour
1/4 cup very finely minced lean street person, unbathed
1/2 cup finely minced mincing mincers, minced like a big minced thing which is all mincey
3/4 cup mushrooms, finely chopped (minced)
4 tablespoons finely minced onion , camp as tits, wearing a tutu, doing its Katherine Hepburn impersonation WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH ALL THE MINCED CRAP GEEZE
4 tablespoons finely minced garlic SEE WHAT I MEAN?
1 teaspoon salt (minced)
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper (minced)
1/8 troy ounces cayenne pepper
1 cup rich beef stock, made from old wool sweaters COME ON FOLKS ITS BEEF STOCK. one assumes beef here. Go hunt down a beef. I'll wait.
Marrow sucked from the shinbone of a gnu
1/2 cup dry red wine or more depending on the success of the beef hunt; beer or Wal-Mart store brand mouthwash may be substituted
Directions:
In a large heavy saucepan melt the butter over low heat. Gradually add the flour, stirring constantly, and cook until the ceiling is light brown. Quickly add the man, the box of #5 fuses, the dilithium crystals, mushrooms (minced), onion and garlic (make sure that shit is minced) and go rent a carpet steamer. Add the salt, pepper and cayenne and some crud out of the window tracks. Keep the mixture in a shoebox and gradually add more baby, an unbaptized infant elk, and a half cup of vasoline, stirring constantly to keep the sauce as smooth as possible which ought to be pretty easy given the vasoline. When the sauce is blended, stand in the back yard with no pants on and holler at kids walking by to come over and see your new puppy. When the police arrive run and hide. Makes 2 cups.
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24 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:54 PM

    I am pretty sure that cannibals are eyeballing these recipes very carefully. *Charleton Heston gasps Soylent Gree...oh wait...*

    Retro

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  2. till the ceiling is brown, got it. good. thankyou.

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  3. Irish red babies don't drink HIENEKEN.

    They are suckled on whiskey, soda bread, and Guinness.

    This is why they have red hair and consistently talk shoite.

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  4. I would like to make a confession, I have never read your recipes before. Are they all like these? Boy howdy have I been missing out. Hanging my head in shame. Why did I skip, I am sure your most delectable recipes? I don't cook anymore. Sad state of affairs.

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  5. Ick. Babies.

    *spits*

    When are we going to get to read the interview with your ginormous gazongas?

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  6. i'm with mj on this one...i remember what it was like with a baby...give me a smart ass teen to deal with any day...i'm not the baby type...

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  7. I recommend against babies.

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  8. I've never had babies.... not too sure about some of those ingredients so not sure I would find them enjoyable.

    I'll pass along the recipes to anyone I know who is trying to make babies, though. Thanks for the detailed info!

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  9. retro: what? WHAT IS SOYLENT GREEN?????

    redneckarts: light brown.

    garfy: babies CAN'T READ. they don't know. they're BABIES. you can trick them.

    gale: you see what happens? you go around skipping things and then someone comes up with a baby and YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PREPARE IT CORRECTLY and martha stewart weeps TEARS OF BLOOD, gale.

    mj: last i heard my gazongas were covered in Braille and about four feet long. you're lucky I don't sue.

    daisy: they are squitty. the advantage they have over teenagers is portability. you can stuff them in a piece of luggage or a drawer or a burlap sack if needs be; try THAT with a teenager.

    joy: but babies are a gift from god, joy. a gift that craps itself.

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  10. Well, that's a nice Modest Proposal. What I was really wondering, though, is if you're planning your Alice B. Toklas treats again for Christmas this year...?

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  11. Anonymous8:36 PM

    FN have you never seen the old SciFi movie Soylent Green? Yep starred Charleton Heston in an over populated starving world. He discovered to his horror that the product Soylent Green was made of processed meat..human meat. Quite a shocker in it's day, of course the book was better. Bear in mind that I have never actually seen the movie, I only know of it in a third hand reference sort of way, probably better that way, so I have no notion if I speak in vino veritas or ex cathedra for that matter. Oh shut up! R...okay..sigh...

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  12. Will any of these recipes work with adults, if you marinate them for a few hours beforehand?

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  13. ponita: you slid into home there without getting tagged! hey, im just here to educate. you're welcome.

    retro: yeah, i was messing with you. that has to be the WORST movie with the BEST CAST ever filmed. you could not afford to cast that movie today. think about it! there were some big names in that sapsucker!

    tim: you know what, i have no idea. it probably depends on the cut you intend to use. and because it's the holiday season I'll skip the whole riff on the similarities between unemployed redneck and Kobe Beef. happy kwanzaa!

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  14. So you DID watch Nigella Lawson on the BBC iplayer :-).
    I have one quick question re the babies , does one remove the diaper before mincing ???

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  15. Also , what should I do if I havn't got a mincer....do I just skip straight to the no pants shouting at kiddies part ???

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  16. I've got a recipe for a baby casserole from Marguerite Patten's "One Hundred Economy Recipes For The Modern Housewife" book from 1947. In those times of post war austerity, cooking your own children was a marvellous way of saving money, particularly as people used to have such large families.

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  17. What now - you saw "Soylent Green" (1973) or not? AM I really that old ... ?

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  18. There are some interesting cases of anthropophagia in Europe (inter-war-time) and in postwar Asia (1940s).

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  19. BEAST1-YES
    BEAST2-YES

    Betty: we will fight them on the land, we will fight them on the sea, we will fight them as we chow down on our children, coated in catsup, until we achieve victoryyyyyyyyyy....

    mago: i am sad to report that i saw it the year it came out. 'soylent green is peeeeeeepul' is kind of a tagline here.//i just got done reading 'In The Heart of the Sea' about the true story that lead to herman melvilles 'Moby Dick'. It features that very dish, in fact.

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  20. Thank you - must get used to the customs of this particular tribe here. (I saw it just a few years later in German ...).
    In the 1930s there was a case of a man who eat other people in Silesia. He kept book about the amount of meat he gained from every single victim. When finally arrested he wore straps on his trousers made from human skin. Because the police men where totally unaware of the dimension of the case in the beginning and because the bloke once was a rich landowner (before the inflation of 1923) he was held in very lax custody. He took the opportunity to kill himself, so no real trial was done.
    In 1945 and as I remember for some years on Japanese units were still operating in Mindanao and/or parts of the Phillipines. They lived partly out of the population, so to speak.
    Latest here in Germany was the "Kannibale von Rotenburg" who killed and eat another man in front of a video camera. But the other bloke declared it to be his will to be killed and eaten. This case has a sexual motivation, maybe comparable to Hamann, a famous serial murderer of the 1920, who killed young male prostitutes and was well known for his deli sausages he delivered to the police headquarters: Bon appetite! Pass the custard please.

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  21. mago: no, you fit in just fine here. daaaaaaaaamn.

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  22. I love your way with apple. That sounds too damn tasty to waste on any bland old baby meat.

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  23. dude. you're all fucked up.


    i bet your creative writing teachers LOVED you.

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