...of worry...
...of not knowing which way to turn...
...of having reached one of lifes' crossroads in a Volkswagen with faulty brakes, and got in a huge flaming wreck with a busload of nuns and mexican wrestling personalities...
Yes, when times get to be too much, and you wish you had a friend...
...someone to trust,
...someone to provide counsel and a shoulder to lean on during this difficult time...
you need someone like Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude.
....thats him. FACT: Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude has devoted his life to the service of others. Many consider him uniquely qualified to service others. Gifted, even.
Anyone may approach Mr. Egyptian Penis dude with a question. Here we see Mr. Yen Shi Baby asking Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude for his sage advice.
Seeker: Please can you tell me if i will ever-EPM: Blah blah blah blah yes, fine, sure, I know, I know already. I'm psychic. I know. Please God, I know. Seriously.
Seeker: But can you tell me-
EPM: Would you like to meet my twin brother? We get in fights all the time. Watch us fight. Watch.EPM: EEEEE Hawakowa! I FIGHT YOU!
epm2: OW OW OW OW OW OW
EPM: OK now I have defeated my evil brother! I can answer now.
Seeker: Ok, Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude, I'm ready to receive your wisdom! EPM:....OK. Are you sure?
Seeker: Yes.
EPM: Are you sure you're ready?
Seeker: ...
EPM: Are you really really super-allidocious top secret ready?
MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER TODAY. ASK MR. EGYPTIAN PENIS MAN A QUESTION.
NOW.
...SERIOUSLY. NOW.
FIRST FIRST FIRST FIRST FIRST FIRST FIRST FIRST FIRST!
ReplyDeleteIf I push a gigantic wheel of Gouda cheese out my back door, what is the estimated time of arrival when it crashes through Nations’ living room window?’
If I use Swiss cheese, will the holes make it more aerodynamic?
Does torque factor into the equation at all?
If I swallow two gallons of transmission fluid while disco dancing and singing 'Sweet Home Alabama' will I be the chosen one who will lead my people to the land of Guinness and free cigarettes where the girls are easy and rivers of booze flow?
ReplyDeleteTell me Oh Egyptian Penis Man.
will Edinburgh ever have weather other than gale force winds, freezing rain and semi-permanent darkness? And if not, do you think there's a chance that our heating engineer might eventually turn up and fix the sodding boiler that's been broken since the week before Christmas?
ReplyDeleteMJ: FIVE DAYS. Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude is not answering the other two queries. Mr. Egyptian penis dude has just suffered a momentary lapse of interest.
ReplyDeleteGARFY: Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude finds your question strangely intriguing. He wonders what color of panties you are wearing right now.
HENDRIX: your answer is FIVE. Mr. Egyptian Penis Man thinks the answer to more things should be 'five', in fact. Try it.
ReplyDeleteWhat's eight minus three?
ReplyDeleteVICUS: 1. less than it would be had you not first subtracted three from it. 2. yo momma.
ReplyDeleteWas your big brother Ramses!?!?!
ReplyDeleteRetro
There's a song - "Take XXXX".
ReplyDeleteWhat's the name of this song?
How can I get laid?
ReplyDeleteDear Mr Egyptian Penis Dood,
ReplyDeleteDo you vibrate, and, if so, do you do so at different speeds?
That's all I want to know.
luv,
Betty xx
I have a question. may I have my small red posing pouch back? You obviously are not using it...
ReplyDeleteDear Mr Egyptian Penis Man,
ReplyDeleteDoesn't the weight make your lower back hurt? Not to mention the quantity of blood required.
Yours sincerely,
Malc
retro: Ramses, as you may know, was the human vessel containing the immanent presence of Ra-Hakare. When he departed this mortal clime he ascended to his rightful place at the helm of the solar barge. And so yes, Retro, inasmuch as we are all children of Ramses, or Ra-Hakare, he is my father...much as Darth Vader is Luke Skywalkers, only without the cybernetic component that would have lifted Ramses to true 'wicked awesome' status.
ReplyDeletemago: 'Take XXXX'.
hint: Next time, when you ask someone a question, don't give them the answer like that. Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude will let it go this once, however, in light of your overwhelming Franconianness.
FAMULUS: WELCOME!
1. assume a prone position
2. maintain this position until a more interesting activity occurs to you.
Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude is not feeling very challenged, I gotta tell you.
Betty: Only in your presence, flower of Hathor.
Mr. The Dog: No. Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude is presently wearing it like a hat.
MALC: Five.
42??
ReplyDeleteDear Mr. Penis Man,
ReplyDeleteWhen will I escape my parents' den of guilt and manipulation and return to the UK to have hot, sweaty barnyard love with my adoring Pirate? WHEN?????
Sincerely,
Missing in Michigan
I tried that. I didn't get laid but I did get laid out by a couple of drunk dudes who thought that a man prone is the street was fair game.
ReplyDeleteMaybe EPM could be a little more descriptive in his answer. Including the number five by me is fine, although, obviously, 42 is better.
Do you like the Ting Tings at all?
ReplyDeletethe elephant hole in the Castro, mid nineties, right?
ReplyDeleteSo I was just kind of wondering if I could just borrow him for a while. I have a um....a lot of questions.
ReplyDeleteDear Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude:
ReplyDeleteWhy are were here?
What is the meaning of life?
Is there a Santa Claus??
sEa: NUMBER NINE....NUMBER NINE....
ReplyDeleteNUMBER NINE....NUMBER NINE....
Mrs. CB: OH MY GOD NO. Tell me no. Tell me you aren't still there. Tell me that isn't happening. Oh my God. Send me an email STAT. what the hell.
Fammy: Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude answered your question and got you laid. it is not Mr. Egyptian Penis dude's fault that you cannot attract a higher quality of partner. He suggests you try the same thing in the middle of a beauty salon.
mr. The Dog: OO, those little candies? Love'em! Set, Anubis and I snack out on them all the time. You can make crafts with the foil wrappers too! Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude made a decorative desktop container for his slide rule which he has received many compliments on, in fact.
redneckArts: Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude had a problematic '90s, ok? There are some large gaps in Mr. Egyptian Penis Dudes memory. (ps CALL ME)
gale: What part of the Nile Valley do you live in? Does it have AC outlets? And should Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude bring along some of that lime gelatine stuff you liked last time?
joy: 1. AM radio has a lot to do with it. Ever noticed how when you chew on tinfoil you get that funny electric sensation in your fillings? yeah.
2. Life: its a verb!! it means 'to BE!" Yes, its trite, but that is not Mr. Egyptian Penis Dudes' problem. He saw it in Readers' Digest.
3. Only if your name is Virginia. then he lives, and lives, and lives. aim for the head.
Question (tho not necessaryily for PD)-is Penis dude a doorstop? A necklace holder? I just can't figure out what the heck...I keep being distracted by ye giant penis on ye tiny dude.
ReplyDeleteWood indeed.
Oh, Mr. EPM, what can I say to my boss this year that will result in a big raise in pay?
ReplyDeleteListen Schwanzo, do you have an idea where Franconia actually IS?
ReplyDeleteGEO: Mr. Egyptian Penis Man is the originator of the phrase 'he went thataway!'
ReplyDeletejoeVegas: ....joe, you are making things entirely TOO EASY for Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude. Mr. Egyptian Penis Dude could drive a fricken TRUCK through that opening there.
Mago: Europe. HA.
Dear Egyptian Penis Guy: Please tell Fammy the answer to his question is to show up on my door step..... Thanks!
ReplyDeletehow do i ...no i know that one...
ReplyDeletewhere can i get...no i know that...
well shit i can't think of anything...