Thursday, January 15, 2009

Spotlight on: FRANCONIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Perhaps some day you might like to take a nice trip someplace. You could go to FRANCONIA!

Franconia is located in the land. It is near Europe, French, and Dutch Holland. You can only reach it if you take three boats, and then you have to rent a car. Here is a map:

Fact: French Fries aren't really French. They are potatoes.

Danger in Franconia:

Wolves are a very dangerous part of life in Franconia. Nobody likes them. If you have a chicken, or some sheep? Wolves will eat them. Plus things that are made out of meat, like kids.

Pie is dangerous.

Fire. It can burn stuff.

Mean dogs. Everyone has to beware of mean dogs in Franconia.

One day the Spain people had a fight with the Franconia people! "We will fight you!" they said. They were sneaky. They dressed up in the disguises of baseball players, clowns, and waiters, and sergeants, and they got in their car and snuck in! They were very rude to everyone.

The Franconia people were sad.

But one day a new hero appeared across the land... Super Franconia Man!

...actual unretouched photograph

Nobody knew who he was, but he could fly! And he had a chainsaw! He chased the Spain people and made them give back all the stuff they took, and it was all greasy. The Franconia people said "Why did you make our stuff all greasy?" And they said "Oh, get your mom to wash it for you." And so Franconia had a new freedom!!!

Here are some Franconia facts:

The Flag of Franconia is pine scented.

The official Franconia mascot is the pileated womb ferret.
...actual size

Franconians like to have a spoon or two around the house.

Children in Franconia learn Klingon and Esperanto in addition to their regular classwork.

The national Anthem of Franconia is "Hey, Franconia, You are a Land"

In Franconia, no one can hear you scream.

So when you go to Franconia, you will be very happy, and your family will too! They have stores, and cheese, and television. Remember to always flush and wash your hands. You are a representative of your country, and you wouldn't want people to think that country was Canada.

Meanwhile, I will be in Oregon doing secret Oregon things that you can't know about. Maybe when I come back I will tell you all about what happened there. But not now. I haven't done them yet.


  1. EXCUSE ME?!?!?!? What's this about Canada?

    How rude......

    *snowshoes back to igloo in the middle of the frozen tundra called Manifroza*

  2. OH! Oh! OH!

    I almost forgot!

    F. I. R. S. T.

    Yay! I almost never get to say that... :-D

  3. Um, so Franconia is shaped oddly like one or more of the American Atlantic states? And the dude could be a little more excited about all his hair and tools and stuff...I'm just sayin'...
    Do we have to get shots to go there? I'm sure my tetanus is up to date.

  4. Ponita I, II: oh my darling, if you haven't yet experienced the unique luuuuuuurve we here at Paul bear for our brethren and cistern to the north, you're in for a special treat! now go water your cheese tree and let the grownups talk.

    Retro: I might be there Saturday or Sunday, or Monday. And I will be carrying DISEASES.

  5. I want to know where he got his boots.

  6. This information may prove to be invaluable once I commence my takeover of the Netherlands, Middlesex, and Upper Manhattan...sometime in the Spring if I'm not watching TV.

    I had no idea how crafty these Franconian bastards were..none.
    The nekked Dude with the chainsaw thing worries trusted mount Busyphillis hates chainsaws..
    'course he's blind and very sensitive to loud noises.

    I was unaware that Franconians had discovered much pretending to be a God from the Sun.
    Damnit, those Aztecs really ate up that sh*t.

    Maybe I had better lower my expectations and just conquer Albania..
    I know for certain that they don't have pileated womb ferrets...
    they slaughtered them wholesale to insulate their underpants.

    Legend has it that they massacred 6 in one day..
    until their stick broke..
    it was the last piece of wood in the whole country.

    Thanks for the heads-up.

  7. I employ a Franconian to lick my boots clean.

  8. I shall be Frank, they all smell German. Did you know they all walk backwards and fondle Mountain lions.... in the mountains? its true Mago told me.

  9. Well, at least we know he doesn't dye his hair...

  10. "Franconians like to have a spoon or two around the house."

    you are wrong. there are. No. SPOONS.

  11. also, i want some of whatever donn is smoking. he's clearly in a good mood.

  12. Franconians are into free love and drugs, the dirty dawgs.

    The US should nuke 'em.

  13. at least he had on protective footgear...

  14. Anonymous4:31 AM

    So that's how you Americans see the world ... allow one or two corrections.

    "The national Anthem of Franconia is "Hey, Franconia, You are a Land""

    Sorry, that's wrong. The anthem is: "Rule FRANCONIA, FRANCONIA rule the waves" - actually it was a children's song who was brought to England by Albert, Vickie's husband. The English liked it, adopted it and made it their hymn.

    "Super Franconia Man" is a cheap fake: He's too thin and has no beerbelly. Franconians do not wear that ugly shoes and have a taste in decoration. Our variety of highland games include haystackthrowing and such things, less chainsaw action, and surely not indoors. This bloke would first receive a haircut.

    I do not think we have a mascot. If we had it would not be such a bunny-thing. Something feline.

    We invented spoons, the wheel and fire. And everything else civilization is built upon. To fight inbreed we exported our genepool to America in the 19th century. The rest is history.

  15. Klingon? AND Esperanto? It's not Franconia, it's UPTOPIA!!!

    (I really wanted to show my dauther your creative use of Pikachu, but I don't think she's ready to consider Pokemon in the near context of Franconia Man)

  16. "Rule FRANCONIA, FRANCONIA rule the waves"

    Thats its I'm knocking the bugger out, I hope the mighty Franconian navy don't attack me.

  17. Anonymous6:37 PM

    Danger Panda
    You mean that fluffy gay thing actually has a name? I never saw that before, sorry.

  18. now i really am confused, sugar! xoxox

  19. Anonymous1:15 PM

    Yes, Oregon can confuse the strongest. It's because of the fog, the darkness and cold. The floods do not help either.

  20. Anonymous5:43 AM

    And the God created the World, but forgot about Esperanto.

    So see

  21. I feel much safer knowing a manly man like this is in the world.

  22. I just spotted JOHNSON CITY
    ***sniggers childishly***

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