Saturday, November 29, 2008

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

Didja miss me? Didja huh? Huh didja?

I was visiting my son in Oregon and it was supposed to be a surprise because it was his birthday. That's why I never mentioned it here. Then once I was there I remembered that Oregon is a very primitive and backward place; there was no Internet access and we had to club our food over the head with big rocks and start fires with flint and tinder and associated boolsheet, so I continued to not mention the fact that I was going to be away, and I already WAS away so there was that to consider too. Then a couple of days later it was Thanksgiving, so I figured 'what the hey' and decided to stick around for that. Then it was Black Friday. Tell you what, I just flat hid out from that action. So yeah, then it was Saturday, and there was a Mythbusters marathon on television, and obviously I was going to stick around for that, right; but Heineman still refused to drop goddamn trou for a bitch which seriously harshed my holiday mellow, so I figured 'what the fuck' and took it back on the road, and here I am.

Not counting side trips, I drove 660 miles this past week all by myself. Now, by 'all by myself' I mean that I was the only one in the car, you see; just me, a duffle bag, and a cooler full of human corneas. OH MY GOD! Can you believe it? Unaccompanied! Alone! By myself! JUST LIKE A REAL GROWNUP LADY!!!!

Yes, despite what some people fervently believe, I successfully performed the highly advanced, complex tasks of using a map and driving a fucking Buick. And the strangest thing happened: for the first time in I cannot tell you how many years, I took an extended car trip during which NOTHING UNUSUAL, UNSAFE OR LAME HAPPENED. I went there; I came back. Coincidence? PSHAW I say. Actually I said 'pft, yeah, right'.

Here are some of the things that did not happen:

Nobody grudgingly 'allowed' me to drive.

Nobody second-guessed every single fucking thing did. It was almost incomprehensible. The silence was eerie. I just decided to, you know, do something, and then I, you know, did it, and-steady now - IT TURNED OUT OK. WITHOUT ANYONE BULLYRAGGING ME FOR FIVE SOLID MINUTES BEFORE AND AFTER THE FACT COMING UP WITH 'BETTER' ALTERNATIVES.

Nobody gasped and clutched the armrest every time something wildly unusual like, say, changing lanes or going around a corner happened- AND THEN DENIED IT.

I was the only person watching the gas gauge and- guess what? My car did not run out of gas! Why? Because I never let the gauge run below half a tank. Unlike some people. I was ON FIRE. I was OUT OF CONTROL. GOD WILL SOMEONE STOP THE WACKY NUTTINESS AND MADCAP HIJINX?

Nobody insisted on doing the entire run in one fell swoop and got overtired and fell into a glazed state of road hypnosis and crossed the center line a shitload of times or nearly sideswiped random vehicles or ran over onto the rumble strips a hundred times or slowed down to 30mph repeatedly and DENIED IT.

I could actually HEAR THE RADIO.

...and while I was hearing the radio? NOBODY LISTENED TO GERIATRIC CRAPASS TOP 40 MUSIC ON THE RADIO. Why? Because I didn't play geriatric crapass top 40 music on the radio. AND WHAT I DID PLAY I PLAYED LOUD ENOUGH TO FUCKING HEAR.

OK fine, loud enough for people in other cars to hear too.

OK FINE loud enough for people in other states to hear too. Which was actually a very altruistic gesture on my part considering all the folks out there who have crappy taste in music. *Ahem*

The car did not develop any kind of worrisome mystery noise signaling immanent mechanical failure and subsequent bankruptcy due to huge repair costs. Not that I would have heard it; but then again if something were going to fail catastrophically I think I might have gotten the hint during the actual event. That event did not occur. Conclusion: I forgot what my point was.

Nobody kept the window on their side wide freaking open in subarctic temps and then bitched and whined like a whiny bitch when asked to close it because FROST WAS GATHERING ON THE INSIDE OF THE GLASS.


Yes, none of those things happened. None. I drove on a major interstate highway, crossed one state line, went through three major cities during peak hour all by my little lonesome self, without anyone 'helping' me; completely and totally engulfed in a solitary state of car drivingness.

How did I manage this? I must have; I dunno, prepared for it somehow. Got enough sleep. Looked up my route. All that complicated strategy 'Art of War' type stuff.

Yes, now that I have tasted the raw power of the open road I will never relinquish control. From this moment on resistance is futile. I am driving. 'You can take our cheese, but you can never take our freedom' will be my new motto. Or maybe 'This is Spartaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa' which I like better because it lends itself to being yelled out a car window doing 90,and you get to brandish a short sword and be topless. You know what, just fuck it; give me the keys.


  1. You seem to be unduly stressed. I want you to, gently, lay those car keys on the table, and back off.

  2. FN...EXCELLENT...isn't it exhilarating...most people don't understand the freedom that can bring...i do my friend!!! now it's gotten to be that others just prefer me to drive...i get there safe (maybe a speeding ticket, but safe)...i get there on time...and if i do get lost i just pull over EARLY in the lost feeling, as someone, and get back on course...i've met some very interesting people that way...oh yes and an ipod hooked into your radio is bitchin'...all the music you want without a commercial and fuck everyone else it's what i like, because why? I'M FUCKING DRIVING THAT'S WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    you go girl!!!!!!!!!!

  3. no sat nav too?!

    I can totally relate to this. I frequently make long journeys ON MY OWN (with sat nav granted) and I fukin love it!!

    The sat nav means plan less. I can literally just GO!!

  4. I can't watch a Mythbusters marathon due to overexposure to gingerness.

  5. YOU ROCK, GIRL!!!!

    Glad you had such a lovely time. Do it again sometime real soon, okay? ;-)

  6. My favorite mythbusters is turning out to be the viral videos. And anytime the other one wants he can stop abusing the "Pirate" voice.

    I do wish they would try a computer privacy screen on the going faster than a speeding ticket gun thing, I think it might work.

    Now as the road trip. Great! I have reached the age where I WANT to be driven from point A to point B.

    However, I have been known, in my youth, to take off on a cross country trip from CA to W VA and done it in 33 hours straight, no sleep. Exhausting! We did get lost in the foothills of Kentucky, completely disoriented until some folks kindly pointed is towards W vA. Got there and slept 13 hours, that's over two days wasted, people.

    Didn't have Mapquest then. R

  7. Vicus: *twitch, drool* what are you trying *twitchtwitch* to say, Vicus?

    daisy: I WISH i had an ipod. I just channel surfed until I found something that wasn't Stairway to Freakin' Heaven is all. Thank God kzok was doing a 'Best Albums of All Time' special-Stevie Ray Vaughn took me all the way from Fort Lewis to Everett!!

    Hardhouse: nope, no satnav. I know this part of the world pretty well, and besides, planning is one of the most fun parts!!

    MJ: oh wheres your sense of adventure? anyway if you were a NICE girl you'd have your eyes closed anyway and it wouldn't matter.

    ponita: I intend to! in about 23 or so days, in fact!

    retro: see, the older i get the LESS i want to be a passenger. I have done passenger. I am SICK UNTO DEATH of passenger. someone else can take care of the fricken' kids and maps and pop and burger wrappers for a change dammit. I am going to drive, I am going to GO FAST and GET THERE I am GOING TO LISTEN TO MY GODDAMN MUSIC AT A REASONABLE VOLUME DAMMIT.

  8. FN...that stevie boy can work his magic...he's driven me home more nights than enough!

  9. It's all over the front page,
    You give me rrroad rrrage.

  10. lol - reminds me of all those boys I knew in my youth one-upping each other on B & S marathons "I drove 1000k in 7 hours with a bottle of bourbon and only 3 tickets", "Yeah? Well, I drove 1500k, picked up a new dog and two girls, took one to meet my mother and got here an hour ago after being awake 16 hours with only 2 tinnies from a slab intact"

    Good on you for taking control - nothing like it.

  11. Oh, good for you, FN! Road trips are so fun! I have a girlfriend that I have gone on road trips with and we have such a blast.

    No kids, no guys, just us, music, tons of junk food and pop (soda to you Americans), and laughing our freakin' faces off!

    Have a great time and I hope it's a good one! iPod is the way to go for music, though. And if your vehicle doesn't have a jack to plug it in, get the remote transmitter thing that it plugs into - works like a charm through the radio - that's what I have. I think I have about 8 hours of music on mine, with room for way more.

  12. Typical
    Women drivers
    Bah !

  13. Welcome back!

    Piston pounding moma!

  14. Anonymous3:17 AM

    I disappear off your radar for a while, come back and WHAM! You're reading my diary again (well, except about going to visit a son)
    I will not drive with The Man in the car. Nope. Not any more. he was a sweetie when I was getting used to the car, now he's ...well, I wont drive him!

    Pleased you had a good trip.(And I'm old enough to get the joke in Tick's comment! )

  15. There was one word, one tiny, distressing, horrible word that ruined the perfection of that post and, i suspect, the whole trip.

    Utter, utter perfection, marred forever by 5 tiny, seemingly insignificant letters.

    *whispers* "Buick"


    If only we had our time to do over again. If only we could change the past. If only...

  16. daisy: I usually like to listen to something a little peppier while Im driving, but...ahhhhhhhhh!

    garfy: I had road delight! road rage is what i get seated in the passengers seat listening to 'Stairway to Heaven' for the 67,8900th time as we gradually slow to 45 mph in the fast lane.

    jeannie: thank you! the only tinnies i went though were three cans of starbucks doubleshot espressos with cream. bzzzzzzzzzz

    ponita: maybe santa will have his elves make me one for crimmus. otherwise its just me and terrestrial radio.

    beast: yeah...expeditious, safe, and rockin'. typical indeed.

    tick: happy birthday lovey!!

    dinah: is it testosterone, or age? i remember when this guy was a really good driver. thats why i handed him the keys. now.....move over.

    Mrs. Pirate: i would love to defend the honor of my car rides beautifully, gets excellent mileage, is comfortable and roomy, but sadly I must agree. it is a BUICK and as such racks down my sexxay quotient 68% just being parked in my driveway. I know. I know.

  17. Was that your buick that just floated past with Abba's greatest hits blaring ??? There was no need to roll down the window and give me the finger

    I was just commenting that girls in general are not the best drivers or map readers
    ***runs off dodging hail of bottles and shoes***

  18. Well there little missy, I guess you better drive over for drinks and such. We are on a map.

  19. Yes, I did miss you. I wondered where the hells you were.

    Road trips rock. 'specially when you're the one in charge. You RULE.

  20. I didn't miss you.


  21. Well great day in the morning!
    You should do that more often. Just leave your scaredy-cat co-pilot Chewbacca ((Uuuurrrgh)) at home, blast your tunes, and drive however the f*ck you feel like.

    Reminds me of a song by the Mamas & Papas..
    You gotta go
    where you wanna wanna go,
    Do what you wanna wanna do
    Drive however
    the f*ck you wanna wanna drive..

    ps I have had several local readers tell me how much they loved your get over yourself comment and tomorrow I am losing my swimmers..
    so in case I don't make it..
    I just wanna say how much I've enjoyed your companionship.
    Wish me luck.

  22. Hmmm, wonder who you might be talking about there. But still glad you had fun. (get that Ipod)

  23. if you drive 666 miles in any direction you will find me standing on the corner waiting for you with a beer in hand...

  24. beast: I DO NOT LISTEN TO ABBA. no no no nonononono. not unless I need to feel suicidal, and I take medication for that already. PLEASE. (slams lid of toilet planter and stomps off)

    gale: you know, i thought about that long and hard, and about visiting your sister, Knows Better Woman Does Not Care, right there on the coast. had it been a different time of year I would have done it in a heartbeat-gas was 1.83 in Oregon, true, but the weather was greasy and everyone was driving as though they'd never seen fricken' rain before. yeesh!

    joy: Ida been here except Dil's laptop was at the repair place. she wore it out looking at boy kissie boy porn. seriously. she did.probably. actually im making that up. maybe.

    tim: I missed you, lovey. I've told my boy all about you. he thought you lived here in town until I mentioned indonesia. when I am less stoned I will return and comment in my usual profane and slightly off-topic manner. X!

    ex-tadpole driver Donaldo: I had the girl version performed back in 83. i had to go under general anaesthesia. at the last minute I remembered that I'd just shaved my southern exposure and got all paranoid that the doctors and nurses would think i was some kind of a nasty slutty girl, then remembered why I was there and abruptly passed out. when I woke up my procreating days were over and I had a 1/4 inch of stubble. the end.

    joeVegas: everyone keeps telling me that! we have a cd changer in the trunk that supposedly holds seven units but nobody can figure out how to fly the sapsucker. Maybe Santa will be good. I can see a good part of my egg money going toward the purchase of Chaka Khan (yum!) and Parliament!!! *does the robot off stage right*

    voices: with a voice that speaks in riddles, eyes as black as coal, and a suitcase covered with rattlesnake hide? will you accept my immortal soul in exchange for the ability to play slide guitar? how about a nickle?

  25. *leaves penny on ground, turns and walks into the sunset*