Friday, February 17, 2006

Seriously colder than a dead cold thing that is dead

My morning:

6:am....awaken to howling northeast winds, windchill of 10f. (thats really, really, really fucking cold, for those of you who are foreign and smell.) glorious sunrise, diamond clear. chat with sexy and adorable husband who smells really good. drink coffee. watch news.
7:am.....husband leaves for work
7:30.....daughter calls. peculiar fuzzy, pleading tone in voice immediately arouses suspicion. still somewhat askew from husbandly pheronomes, FN agrees to daughterly plaint. up mountain to retrieve grandson from lazy daughter
8:15....stopped by police officer for 'going a little too fast'
8:17....charm my way out of speeding ticket by being goodnatured and appropriately rueful about 'going a little too fast'
719....get a ticket ANYFUCKINGWAY for 196$ for driving with expired tabs.
8:22.....pick up goonybird from lazy daughter. bald child is hatless in 70mph winds with a windchilll of 10f. inform lazy daughter of ticket. spot zitty moron in background cleverly camoflaged as pile of laundry. daughterly laziness explained. grandmotherly bloodpressure climbing.
9:00....arrive at local licensing and registration office. buy tabs. restrain goonybird from a.writing on walls of office with pen b. leaping from the counter and falling on his head c. leaping into a nearby bin full of bouncy balls for sale d. writing on checkbook with pen e. swallowing pen f. writing on counter with pen.
pen taken.
goonybird commences sirenlike shreiking and pounds feet against stomachal regions of grandmother.

after purchasing knit cap for bald goonybird, grandmother carries goonybird out of store slung backwards over shoulder. Time - 9:20
9:45....after a brief drive to calm screaming goonybird during which the abc song is sung several hundred thousand times, grandmother arrives at local grocery store.
9:48....extracts goonybird from babyseat in 70mph winds, windchill 10f. car door blowing backwards pops rear body panel on car, must be kicked shut. goonybird removes hat.
9:49.....grandmother pulls hat completely over childs' head and holds it there with fabric knotted around her fist, races into store with goonybird slung over shoulder as goonybird cannot be trusted to walk across a parking lot without getting squashed, and will not hold hands in a public place, deeming it childish.
goonybird has put on considerable weight.
9:50....deposit child into shoppingbasket baby seat. goonybird commences flapping and exclaiming 'car! rrrrmmm! rrm!'
the basket will not do. he wants to sit in the fancy basket with the kiddie car attached to the front. kiddiecar available. grandmother redeposits child in shoppingbasket and runs toward produce section.
9:55.02.....child is offered an apple. child accepts. child is mollified.
9:56.04....child grabs apple for other hand out of center of apple zigurat. using ninja-like reflexes developed during childhood of goonybirds' mommy, grandmother adroitly replaces apple before avalanche gets under way.
9:57....child howls. grandmother parks basket next to hubbard squash. child is soothed by proximity of giant buttocks-like vegetable. finished, child replaced in car during 70mph winds w/ windchill factor of 10f.
11:00......stop at fast food outlet. not knowing if child has eaten anything this a.m. beside apple, grandmother throws child box of fries and half a chocolate milkshake.

So. How was your day?


  1. Gooneybird sounds like LOADS of fun. A little bit of mischief to add to your morning. Perhaps you could give the police officer your daughter's phone number. A man in uniform is always better than the bezitted. Unless it's a bezitted man in uniform. Although that's too frightening for me to imagine right now.

  2. See you're obviously a better woman than I. I was stopped recently by a traffic cop...who was a complete dickhead. I hate the whole chest puffing little lady bullshit...anyhow...he pissed me off so I told him to fuck off. He gave me a $70 speeding ticket and told me he "was going to give me a warning before I used all the vulgarity"...WTF kind of genius police work was that?

    Lazy daughter sounds like a lot of fun! I had a prof once who distinguished between his two sons by calling one 'barely redeemable son' and the other 'complete failure son'.

  3. good lord, no, heavens no, no indeed! the ssa is a GODDESS. really. no, it was seeing "ol' reliable" the high-function cretin again, doint what he does best i.e. imitating a pile of laundry. (the type of guy who longs for the good old days of cheap ethyl gasoline. i suspect he goes through a lot of gold spray paint.) she should have left him back on the side of the road picking up garbage with a pointy stick. sigh.
    oh god, am i gonna hear it for this.
    and yeah...i shoulda introduced her to the cop. the cop was cute. and employed. and not a mouth breather. AND DRIVING HIS OWN CAR.

  4. Hi, meet Lazy Daughter.
    I go to school full time.
    I work full time. As an engineer.What do I engineer, you ask?
    AIRPLANES....Be nice to me.

    Also. I hang out with guys I have NO chance of wanting to date. Makes life less complicated. I do what I want, damnit.

  5. *reads link* Ahahahahhahahaha. Yeah... OK. If I hung my bra on there I'ds be arrested for engulfing the town... It all started when some ah... refreshed young ladies thought it would be ever so funny to hang their bras on this fence. And... The rest is history. *laughs* Not my fault. I've never done it. I haven't been over there yet...

    Damn, I love not having to deal with toddler's. Or pyramids of apples. We don't get 'em, cause we don't pay anyone enough.

  6. just your average day then.

    can i bring small person over to play? we would have a ball.....

  7. Anonymous1:04 AM

    Excellent, love it! » »