Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Trapped! Dante Texas Fart Barbecue! The Modifier Laughs!

Chaucer, you are so in trouble.

In his seat high atop Mt. Olympus the Baby Jesus looked down and saw Chaucer and his evil henchpersons cheating all over the place like dogs. Now although the Baby Jesus was a big fan of The Canturbury Tales, that was not all right with the Baby Jesus AT ALL.

Quick as a wink he became the Holy Infant of Prague and flew down to stop the bout.

Yes, the Baby Jesus can fly. Thats why he wears a cape. It is aerodynamic.

Now you may be asking yourself 'is the Holy Infant of Prague really that badass? After all, he is only a little baby.'
Ha. You think the Holy Infant of Prague is not badass? He is the more badass than you could possibly imagine. He is more badass than Superman.
He is more badass than Martha Stewart.

The Holy Infant of Prague can shoot any gun ever made.

The Holy Infant of Prague has smooth mysterious stealth.
His smoothness is so smooth, sometimes people even call him Finister Bar Sinister Von Smooth. And He lets them because thats how smooth he is.

Most importantly, the Holy Infant of Prague knows kung fu.

"Whats on the barbecue?" asked The Holy Infant of Prague.
"Italian food," replied Chaucer. The barbecue was opened and Dante fell out.
Chaucer and his crew all acted like they were trying to help by stomping on him to put out the fire.

There are times when stomping on a fire is NOT the appropriate action to take. An italian poet fire is one of those times.The Baby Jesus may be young, but he was not born yesterday.

The Infant of Prague was not pleased. "A barbecue is supposed to be wholesome backyard family food fun. It is supposed to be a nice thing. You don't put a person in a barbecue. That is just messed up. And you're supposed to burn briquettes."
A sullen Chaucer slipped the hose out of his ass and sulked.

It was time for the Baby Jesus to teach them a lesson.

"Ha!" scoffed Chaucer. "What are you going to do? Bonk me on the head with that bottle of Chambourd?"

But Chaucer was wrong. It looked like Chambourd, but it was a DISGUISE.

It was not Chambord.

It was that deadliest of all antipersonnel fruits.

It was a durian.

Don't piss off Baby Jesus.


nobody won. the Marty Feldman rule was broken in the first round. everyone went home pissed off and blogged about it.


  1. I'm first, bitches! Haven't I heard that last line in "The Big Lebowski?"


  2. World Champ: You finally beat me. Congratulations.

  3. Feck I am third.....durian ....once smelled never forgotten....yuk

  4. wcsn: give me some more combat points and ill tell you, beyotch.
    mj: gotta be quick on the trigger. this guy is red hot.
    beast: do you honestly go around huffing strange fruit? im telling frobi.
    he'll be so pleased!

  5. "The baby Jesus... was not born yesterday." Comic fucking Genius.

    But dude, how do you expect me to write a dissertation on chaucer after having read things like "A sullen Chaucer pulled the hosepipe out of his ass and sulked." I mean DAMN. I am never going to be able to get that mental image out of my head. The next time I'm in the archives i'll be sitting at a desk and suddenly that sentence will appear in my brain and I'm going to CRACK UP.

    You have destroyed my personal sense of credibility.

  6. No whirling cocks today, but a baby doing kung fu. That's better.

  7. Okay, speaking of credibility if I sit at my desk cracking up, well I guess it slips ever so slightly. "The barbeque was opened and Dante fell out.." I can't even type it without laughing. Oh, that was good.

    Sidenote FN: stop over at WA - you'll never guess who the special guest is at the ole Kvetch's...

  8. cb; all thanks are due to you, my darling. yes, the world has you to blame for the past four days of rank, innapropriate silliness.
    billy; i agree. there should be more kung fu babies on the internet.
    g: that was a damned good post over at WA. you are cruising right along in the blogworld!

  9. That was an awesome match, FN. I really enjoyed it, especially the intervention by the Terrible Tyke. I have 2 of his statues on my shrine and a copy of his novena. I will now type it in its entirety. Unless you send me money.

  10. MJ - never look me in the face again. I'll not hold back my beard. You have been warned.


  11. World Champ: I fear not the beard. Nor the Whirling Dutch Star.

  12. The baby Jesus loves me becuase I am special... apparently (as long as he keeps his hands to himself thats ok with me)
    I would like to see a bit of mud wrestling Dame Babs versus Edith Head , the winner can challenge the champs beard.

    FN have you never smelt durian , its like something died.in Singapore there are bylaws that ban people from eating it in most hotels and apartment blocks becuase the smell is so bad(or am I thinking of another fruit ???)...yuk.

  13. I think you'll find the durian is the second deadliest of all fruits, as this story from Australia confirms ...

    SHE survived brutal Nazi and Communist regimes to ultimately be brought down by a banana. Slovenian migrant Ivanka Perko died in hospital last week in bizarre circumstances - she suffered complications after she dropped a banana on her leg.

    Comical to the end, the 73-year-old old quipped to friends and family while on her deathbed: "I can't believe after all this time it was a bloody banana that killed me."

    A family friend told The Saturday Daily Telegraph yesterday that Ms Perko - who was treasured by her Blue Mountains community - had been ill for several months with a condition that made her skin delicate and fine.

    "She had tried to open a banana and dropped it," the friend said. "The pointy end scraped down her leg and she died from complications."

  14. mutant z-man: i'll raise you three novenas to St. Theresa the little flower and one decade of the Rosary.
    wcsn: this is not a streetcorner! go fight somewhere else! and shave! (unless you're fighting wearing lacy vintage underthings and smeared with guacamole; then you can fight here.)
    mj: you never know whats hiding in those lycra dealies. it could be a whirling Texas star; it could be a whirling Rhode Island star.
    beast: dame edith would never consent to engage in anything so unattractive as mud wrestling. maybe marshmallow wrestling, or bechamel wrestling. with little pink bowsies sprinkled in.
    bf: see, i always knew there was something slippery about those bananas.
    oh, ha! amusement! my laugh is so to making a belly hard, oh!

  15. Indeed they are - hanging around in bunches, causing trouble.

  16. One of Marty's most endearing characters was Willie Grumpfuttock, the soccer celebrity. I think the whirling dutch star might be his.

    Dante's barbecue, the armadillo handbag, the durian of death and the kung fu mini messiah - what a legend. What a match. Who can forget those moves? It was all over far, far too soon. Surely we can hope for a rematch? Best of three?

  17. Heh, Jesus could win any wrestling match. He'd be all like 'I whup yo ass wit' da light o' YOUR MUM!' and they'd be all like 'Woa that's some tight shit JC, we can't fuck that shit up' and Jesus is like 'Damn straight' And then they'd explode. Cause Jesus likes explosions.