Wednesday, August 09, 2006


This would be Venus. She was supposed to have arisen from the ocean, born from 'sea foam'.
Where did the foam in the sea come from?
Well, there was this huge fight between this giant guy and his giant father in Heaven and one thing lead to another, and someones giant severed dick ended up in the bay.
Surprised, to say the least, at being parted suddenly from its' owner and dropped into ice-cold water, it squitted and flapped. As would you....thus, 'sea foam': a euphemism for 'jizz and bloody guck frothed up by a giant severed dick flapping and spazzing around in the ocean'.

Little did she realize that she would practically had to lock herself in the friggin' bathroom in order to get five minutes alone. The poor woman was destined to spend the remainder of her days surrounded by extraneous nudes and semi-nudes. Worse, they all suffered terribly from an infestation of flying babies so they spent a lot of time running around and whacking at them with a broom.

One day there was a terrible midair flying baby collision with Venus caught right in the middle.

Her contact lenses fell out and in the ensuing mad scramble they were crushed underfoot.
Due to the lack of qualified optometrists in the Golden Age it was decided that she would be married off to a seeing eye husband.

There were problems from the start.

"You are as pretty as a whole bunch of shiny socket wrenches."

"Um......................ok then."

Time did not improve matters.

"What do I spy wiv my liddo eye? Could it be someones....coochy?

"Yes. For the hundredth time today, its my damn coochy. Would you please go read a book?"

At her wits' end, Venus secretly placed an ad in the Olympian Auto Trader and Personal Classifieds:
"Gorgeous twenty-something female, zaftig, fun loving, kids, not very married, seeks discreet man for sexy fun. You are: hwp, physically attractive, s/ok, d/ok, rs/ok, std/ok, kids/ok, previous felony convictions/ok. You have a passion for the romantic. Must be very open minded and not put off by the possibility of being wet on by flying babies. reply GRE35 463337."

Venus soon realized that she should have filled in some of the 'background information' blanks a little more completely.

"Hey there little fellow, you know what? Your mommy is my aunt! That's right! Her and my father had the same father! ...Well, at least part of the same father. So you're my cousin! Cool, huh?"

Next she tried singles night at the off-leash park.

"Sweetie, go play on the swing, ok? Go on now!"
"Hey mister! Can I pet your dog?"
"Honey, mommy said go play on the swing!"
"Are you going to party with mommy?"
"Honey, now do as mommy said..."
"Are you my new uncle?"

Before too long the first boyfriend got wind of the second boyfriend.

"I told him to fix the box spring! He was only checking the- Hey! Really! I asked him to fix the-Hey! He was just, he wasn't hiding! Oh my God! He had to go under the bed to fix the box spring! Really! Are you listening to me?"

And the husband got wind of the first boyfriend.

" Ya see? Ya see? The guy didn't even take off his hat!"
"Wow, he sure didn't! Damn! Didnt even take off the hat! Ther it is, right on toppa his head! Yep, theres his hat! Wow. didn't even have time to take the damn hat off. Wow."

Now divorced and destitute, Venus was forced to apply for Welfare. Fortunately the allowance for dependants was quite generous in her case.
A thoroughly depressed Venus started hitting happy hour down at the local country and western bar.

"Come on, honey. lets go back inside now. "
"Shh. whuzzat?"
"Oh come on...Buy momma another Lone Star."
"Aw fuck; a siren. Ya wanna hand me them chickens baby? Daddy's gotta boogie."

All too often her nights ended in the 'Luv-R's Sweet' at the Budget Travel-Inn.

"Wow, you know, this is my favorite room...what a great bed, think this a pillow top? Gee, its nice! I'll bet it's a Sealy. I love those Sealy mattresses, don't you?"

"Um, ever....uh...done it on the floor? Because I've, uh, always wanted to do it, you know, on the floor...?"

She tried hanging around the video arcade at the mall under the mistaken assumption that a younger man might be just what the doctor ordered.

"Beep! Beep!"
" Would you please-"
"Beep beep! Hooooonk!"
"Now come on-'
"Beep! HOOONK! Beep!"

It wasn't.

"Iiiiiii'm gonna honk it!"
"Now, no you aren't! Now come on!"
"Yes I am! I'm gonna honk it!
"No, you aren't gonna honk it! Be serious! Give me a kiss."
"Uh oh! Here comes Mr. Hand!"

No matter how many limber-limbed, famous-footed* snipper-whappers she dated.

"Ooooooweeeeeoooowaaaaaaark...Hello! Hello? SOS! This is Ice Station Zebra! Can anybody hear me? Ssssss..."

...just plugging along, all those young, young men, trying and trying...

" Now ok, fine, we're in the treehouse. Now what did you want to show m-"


"See my new puppy? Say hi to the nice lady, Sparky! Sparky says, 'Wow, lady, you sure got a nice pair of ti-"

"Um, ok. thats good."

....until finally she realized that there is such a thing as 'too young'.

Reacting violently and passionately to her plight as is a goddess' wont she flung herself headlong into the DARK SIDE OF PHYSICAL PASSION.

"Oh come on, let me! You know you want it!"
"Ew get OFF me! Come on now!"
"Come on! I wont hurtcha! Lemme blow some big ol' wet farts all over that ass! Fbbbbbbpt! Come on baby! Turn around! Apppppbbbbtt! Thbbbbbbt!'"

Early forays into kink were dissappointing.

Later ventures provoked nothing but dismay.

" Oh my beloved...I have been waiting for you my whole life. You are my everything. My moon. My stars. My..."
"..My foot."
"And I shall name it 'Footy-wooty'."
"Well that's just great. Listen, asshole, I shaved for you, ok? And the face is up this way."

And she ended up with a really, really, really, really, really bad case of crabs.

Things were getting desparate. What good was it being 'Goddess of Love' if you couldn't find any?

High up on his throne atop Mt. Olympus, the Baby Jesus saw her plight and took pity. He flew down to have a word with her. She chased him off with a broom. He returned in his secret identity as the Holy Infant of Prague which set her mind at ease. (It is difficult to tell one flying baby from another, and even more difficult to keep ones expensive upholstery looking brand new in the midst of a flock of them.)

He sat her down and they had a nice heart to heart.
" Listen, it's like the Whitney Houston song. 'The greatest love of all' is to love yourself first. No, wait; Whitney might not be the best example. Lets use another. Aretha Franklin! All right! R E S P E C T! There we go. Respect! You have to respect yourself."
"Oh sweetheart, I think that was Otis Clay."
"No, Aretha Franklin recorded 'Respect' back in the...wait."
"Are you thinking of Etta James?"
"Aretha Franklin did 'Respect'; now I remember that clearly. 'R E S P E C T, find out what it means to me! I'm sure thats Aretha."
"I get your message, Infant of Prague. It's not worth going through a pair of diapers about."

And Venus took this advice to heart. Using drachmas she would have otherwise spent on cover charges and burning sex lube she started a home hostess business:
'Aphrodite's Arts: fine designer accents for the sensuous home'
She soon became known all over the heavens as the "Queen of the Hot-chkey Tchotchkes"

Her newfound financial independance engendered a newfound self-respect in her heart as well.

"WELL THATS WHAT YOU GET! 'Pull my finger' is NOT FOREPLAY! Capische?"

Yes, she'd found a whole new attitude when it came to men. No longer was she a plaything, tagging along begging a man for scraps of love and attention. Now she was in charge.

" Heeeeere comes Miss Hand! Uh Oh! Beep! Beeepbeep beeeeeep! Honk honk! Beep beep! Beeeeeep beepbeepbeep!"

And to celebrate, she went out and bought herself a brand new fancy hat.

Money probably better spent on new contact lenses.

Still, life was good now... in the TRAILERPARK OF THE GODS.

I just stuck this here because I liked the picture.

* Oh come on. Tell me you DON'T know that the foot sticking out on the left there is the Stomping Foot of Reknown from the opening sequence of each 'Monty Python' episode. Because it is.


  1. 1.Yay I am first

    2. good lord what a whopper

    3.I will comment when I have read and digested

  2. He He that was great , venus was such a slut , do you remember the monty python use of your first picture of venus on her shell doing a little dance...he he he.
    Swarms of flying babies can be such a nuisance , its ruined more than one family bbq I can tell you , I find leaving breast shaped jellies off to the side somewhere generally keeps the little blighters occupied

  3. wow. "show her fabric by the yard"... that's awesome.

    over the years, she really did get herself mixed up with quite a croud. i always wondering how she got her juices flowing with all of those babies attached to her ankles.

    it just doesn't seem right. Or sanitary, for that matter.

  4. Anonymous12:51 PM

    Is the seeing eye husband sucking her nipple?

    Nipple sucking/tweaking and two boobs exposed. This has to be porn!

    "She's got it, yeah baby, she's got it"

  5. O M G Hardhouse has gone all 'Banarama'

  6. Hardhouse is singing the Shocking Blue version.

    And I'll add...

    "I'm your penis. I'm your fire, at your desire"

  7. beast 1&2: i think that is an excellent idea. we used to 'trap and release' but they eventually just found their way back.
    hardhouse:he is just resting his head. it is too heavy.
    yes, this is porn. dirty, dirty porn.
    beast& mj: standing on a mountaintop/ burning like a crystal flame/ the goddess of beauty and love/ and frobi was her name! YEEOW!(lord i am so in trouble again!)

  8., i'll leave that. you just know damn well he burns like a crystal flame when nobody is looking.

  9. damnit all the funny stuff's been said already.

    I once had a boyfriend who "beeped" me. Note the strategic use of the word "once." Never, ever again.

    btw, i LOVE the second painting. Do you know it's title/creator? I love it, the color, composition, light, and most especially the totally unashamed Venus, not trying to be all coy and Eve-like with her locks covering the strategic bits. She's all fearless. I love that in goddess.

  10. bouguerou. i took a wild stab and i was right! oo, love when that happens.
    i like that one too. shes not all campy.

  11. Anonymous7:28 PM

    Dude, you're crazy! Love your art critiques! Miss the hamster though.

  12. I was wondering when you'd get around to the cherubs!
    Snortingly funny.
    And what lovely bottoms.

  13. FN - I've just nearly choked on my museli while snorting with laughter.


  14. Frobisher smoulders like an old mattress.......

  15. You are a true genius and should write books. Brilliantly funny and clever.

  16. *applaudes until his little paws are sore*

    Brilliant, just brilliant.

  17. FN, you should make an art history documentary. I can see you in a tweed suit and bowtie, with a telescopic pointer.

  18. Beast could be FN's sidekick in the documentary. I see Beast as a Sister Wendy figure.

  19. Anonymous7:29 AM

    I don't know why I ever bothered to read Ovid. Genius, that was, sheet genius.

  20. Great, your funniest yet. There really has to be a collection. The rest of the universe deserves to see these.

  21. wanted to pop back in and tell you that i had to come back and read this again last night. truly, truly brilliant.

    you should have written my Art History textbook.

  22. Anonymous12:43 PM

    "Beep! Beep!"
    " Would you please-"
    "Beep beep! Hooooonk!"
    "Now come on-'
    "Beep! HOOONK! Beep!"

    It wasn't.

    I giggled and giggled and giggled. Ignored the looks at work and giggled some more.

  23. You are a creative genius.

  24. Anonymous1:04 PM

    laughing... *gasping*... dying.

    oh lord, this was just too funny for words. however, since sign language isn't possible, words will have to suffice.

    too fucking funny for words.

    (i owe you and email, and i haven't been a very good blogger buddy of late. to say "i'm sorry" does a disservice to the regret i feel for the agregious lack of attention i've paid you of late. i'll do better.) xox

  25. kristy: i am just SO GRATEFUL that you are not my ex-sister-in-law that im groping for words. anywho thank you! i am nuts.
    ara: i aint done wit' you yet, either. got a buncha david and bathsheba. beware of the winos.
    spinny: *applies psychic heimlich manouvre*
    beast: yeah, thats what i'm afraid of. notice he aint here yet.
    NO WAIT DON'T FORGIVE ME! i have done nothing. NOTHING I TELL YOU!
    in my mind you stand on a mountain top AND burns like a silver flame.
    rocky: go ahead. call me 'firsty'.
    thank you!
    billy: you guys were cracking me up last night with the travelling quiz show!
    tim: i want to be alastair cook. or that science dude with the giant hands and ear hair who was in the 'Blinded by Science' video.
    mj: oooo, i can see it now. *hurriedly gulps more prozac in hope it will pass*
    qenny: you see what it did to ME.
    dave: what do i fill out?
    claire: the stuff about the severed kielbasa is true, btw. betcha you didnt see that in bulfinch, didja.
    jenna: pulled directly from my own bitter, bitter experience, sad to say.
    pam: thank you!
    neva: i backed off on that. whenever you're ready i'm ready (and greedily anxious to have my first guest poster too!!!!)

  26. OH MY GOD! I LOVED IT! What a life that Venus had! And the flying babies? Oh the horror! No diapers on 'em and do not think I did not notice!

    You are brilliant dear FN! Am artiste fo sho! FO SHO!

    Honk, honk, beep, beep... why is that anyway? And the radio tuning moves have got to go! GOT TO GO!

    Seriously now!

    Sistah, you are the funkified real deal! Thou sizzleth!

  27. Talking of Banarama and Frobisher.Our Frobi does have the same dress sense as the big one in the Banana's .
    Tutu , doctor martens and big hair....

  28. *giggles like a little giggle whilst her mum, demolishing the cupboards in the kitchen asks her what the sam hill is so funny*
    Honk... Oh god... I might fall over.
    I wish you had done this in Febuary because I was covering that in Classics. I would have never been able to listen in the same way again...
    Anyway, sorry I haven't been around for a while. Work and school and RL in general is taking over my Life... I'm still bloggerising though. Take a wee look.

  29. Hey Your Firstness - I dedicated a song to you on my first podcast. Hope you like it. x

  30. Dr. Magnus Pyke. The guy with the ear hair.
    Just so you know.
    Wahhhhh - so many podcasts to listen to, and blogs to read and posts to write. Working, reading, cake-baking/ of them has to go.

  31. MizB: thank you fo sho! fo sho i say!
    beast: see, i knew he was meant to be my rattitide..thats the kind of thing i wore in the 80's.
    noshit: yayay! i did not tell you that you could have a life. oh, all right. have one.
    will check out the vid when i git to my daughters place, where the modern world is. XOO!
    rocky: see comment above. no sound here. just groaning slaves and the cut of the lash.
    ara: my heart was captured by the way he declaimed 'SCIENCE!' with one vast hand raised aloft. SO hot.
    aren't you supposed to be on vacation? rest!

  32. Aesthetics for Dummies? Whaddaya think?

  33. watching . . . waiting

  34. it was just too funny!

  35. I am just happy to know I am not the only one who says(writes) 'friggin'

    So refreshing.

  36. I am late on the bandwagon, but I, too must worship at the altar of your genius, FN.

    You really should get paid to do this. Not by me, personally, but by somebody with money.

    Crabs. Hee!

    Silly boys. Breasts aren't for honking. They're for ringing like a doorbell!

  37. Better nate than lever (that was from somewhere or something). Enjoyed it just as much. Have some catching up to do my friend.