Wednesday, December 27, 2006

whut i dun on my crimmus vicashun

It has been an interesting holiday, my darlings.
Almond Roca! (four pieces left)

Handcrafted designer beer! (gone, baby)
Decorative fairy lights shaped like little chili peppers for my kitchen snack lighting!
A t-shirt with the word 'SEX' on it!
Casho dollars and buckolas!

My daughter is getting married!
This is excellent news!
The Poor Bastard is a super good guy. He is great with the Goonybird and generally a really quality human being. He seems to have the Amazon's number, too, and this speaks well for him. I am all for this.
But the wedding?
A wedding?
I never had one, and I've been married twice. I never dreamed of one as a little girl either...Sure, give me the princess dress and the pretty cake. If you want a show, go to Vegas. If you want a ceremony join the Masons. Intimidated and without a clue; that's me. Great mother of the bride, don't you think?

Oh fine. He works in an aluminum smelter.
Yes I know. I do. I wish I didn't.
Now, this is a real job. This is American working-class heaven, in fact. The benefits package is actually the size of the Whatcom County phone book.

(phone book on right, benefits on left.)

The pay is obscene. They hand out overtime like big crazy overtime-handing-out guys who hand out overtime. The company ranks number one in the world for its' high standards of job safety. (It's Alcoa, not Reynolds, in other words.)
It all seem like a devils' bargain to me. I wish I could shake this. After all, he qualified with flying colors on the preliminary medical exams. He is smarter than me and any of you all put together. And of course HE is convinced that he is sixteen, bulletproof, chews coal and shits diamonds. Meanwhile I feel like he is being deployed to Iraq.

Holiday misadventures: none. Despite having a houseful of stray bikers, grandkid (that's half a houseful right there) and sleep-deprived Amazon, only one minor skirmish occurred over the steaming pots, where I was accused of being touchy. Which I am not. Am not, am not, am not. I was, however, hung over and trying to make conversation while simultaneously performing delicate and complicated cooking operations over a red hot stove, and certain people were doing that 'question every move I make and stand right over me and stick your nose into everything and demand snap answers' THING THEY TEND TO DO instead of staying out of my face when they can clearly see that someone is busy and they should probably go away and watch that "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Prepares Human Flesh' show; which if that's what it was really about I'd be watching it too instead of COOKING YOUR HOLIDAY MEAL which I've been managing to do unassisted for a number of years now.

But really, one of the things we do best here at rancho FirstNations is provide warm and happy holidays. Nobody gets drunk, passes out, falls into the Christmas tree and splats facefirst on the floor with their pants around their ankles (one of my favorite holiday memories involving my father) Nobody has huge embittered arguments. Nobody gives or receives humiliating 'joke' gifts. The police are not called. No one sits in stupefied boredom staring at the 1120th annual holiday parade of scary inflated shit and marching bands on television. The sound of formula one cars is not heard throughout our land, nor are the electronically enhanced cheers of drunken sports hordes howling for blood from their televised arenas. We sort of romp and roam and munch and cook and make phone calls and mill around happily, play with toys, roll on the rug with the Goonybird, nap occasionally and then wake up and do it all over again. And the chow is always excellent. This year was no exception!
The Biker made a glazed ham; a perfect, flawless ham, a tender, pink and juicy ham. I did the overly complicated gravy, and a butter Yorkshire Pudding (a drippings one would have been kinda ick, under a ham and all.) The Goonybird ate mashed potatoes and peanut butter sandwiches. Don't Be A Dick, the stray biker, brought premium hoity toity beer, and the Stainless Steel Amazon brought chocolate cake and wine. There was other stuff too. It's all a blur. Ask the dogs; they made out like bandits.

partied out dog on partied out couch



    Hi. Only Romo really - as if you didn't know. Oh yummy yum yum buttered Yorkshire pudding - yes please! Hurray for the Amazon - are you going to wear a hat? That's what Mother's worry about on this side of the pond you know. Tell your nice husband to watch his lungs with that gosh darn aluminium or alooominum as you peeps say it - I hope they have good health and safety!!!

    Lots of love the Romo xxxx

  2. Wow. Can I invite myself to your next Christmas? I can bring fancy beer.

    Also, congratulations the Amazon. Weddings rock. I can say this because I didn't have one either, just a Danish JP. Our wedding photo? Taken in a parking lot. Yep, talkin' serious class here.

  3. Anonymous12:45 PM

    Oh FN! Great picture of your daughter. My stepdaughter gets married in the spring. I expect things will begin spinning out of control once the holidays have passed. I have accepted the fact that I have to wear a yellow dress! I look so lovely in yellow--NOT

  4. Anonymous4:45 PM

    Yay for weddings! Since I live so close, I get to come, right? Right? RIGHT??? :grin:

    I promise to bring a present and we can have some fun at the reception/party! Wheeeee!

  5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  6. Anonymous7:58 PM

    Zowee! Lots of doings and all good at the Rancho FN! Firstly - congratulations to SSA! Is this the nice guy who was over for dinner recently? Really, best to her.

    And good luck to the YB because ahem if you read back your latest comments a couple posts down, I seemed to have guessed his wrong career.

    Well I have no exciting news but sometimes that's okay too. All the best in the new year to you and the family. ~ G

  7. ZOMG! Promise me you'll get her married by Elvis in Vegas. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease...

    Hehehe. The word verification thing is 'buube'. The Inner Nine Year Old is appeased.

  8. Anonymous2:57 AM

    O M G your my Christmas Twin , we have the same kinda of thing at Ma Beasty's.
    We even had the glazed ham and a minor skirmish (ma Beasty being a virgo tends to get to explosion point about an hour before dinner) but she has to understand I AM HEAD CHEF ....MY WORD IS LAW...BACK OFF BITCH AND WASH THOSE PANS.....I consider it a minor point that its her kitchen.

    A truce was brokered which involved me allowing Ma Beasty to be in charge of the sprouts and poor long suffering Pa beasty doing all the washing up...he he

  9. Congratulations to all on the wedding plans! I'm afraid that as the mother of the bride, you may just have to do as the Amazon tells you...

    Sounds like a lovely xmas. I would not have poked into your cooking, like SOME people poke into mine. I know full well that you know what you're doing and don't need guidance on, oh, EVERYTHING, INCLUDING HOW TO CHOP A DAMN ONION. Ahem. I would play elsewhere, enjoy myself, and expect to be fed well and do dishes afterwards.

    Anyway, now that Torvald is making foil, you can bring some home to wrap up the tato.

    What are you doing New Year's Eve?

  10. OMG - that was the BEST post-Christmas-post I've read - mirth! Automatic weapons! Molten metals! Loved-up, stupefied pooches! Pants-around-ankles good times.

    Love the bride in the photo - I shoulda brought a firing iron to my wedding and rid myself 13 years of hellish in-laws. I'd be out of jail by now. People would understand.

    Sounds like your house was the party to be at. I'm sorry I haven't popped in much lately - your writing is a delight - still, I'm glad I came here for this one. Cheers & happy new year!

  11. Anonymous7:00 AM

    I am about 50lbs lighter and much more Jayne Mansfield shaped.

    Aw, girldog got into the beer! I like the tongue poking out like a wino.

  12. Anonymous8:59 AM

    Its a great post - tear to the eyes job! Also the picture is sexy - see if you can guess which one I fancy...

  13. rocky: i hope you had a great holiday! you are a blogging pioneer... blogging from tiny speeding cars, the loo, topless and passed out in bed and from the front stoop, nude, where you accidentally locked yourself when you put out the cat (it was on fire.) carry on!
    alala: you've outdone me on the wedding pix- i have NONE. zeee-row.
    kdd: YELLOW???? omg. you need to stage a full blown mother of the bride meltdown! ho lee CRAP.
    pam: as long as you bring Burning Buffalo Chaos and he brings his can of gasoline! i don't know what the SSA has planned but I want flaming centerpieces.
    g: yeah, he probably saw a lot of that, as he was a bouncer in several naked booby lady establishemnts. not that he was bouncing, they were. and when their bouncing made the customers bouncy he bounced them into the parking lot, handcuffed them to the railing and pistolwhipped them, kinda thing. yeah. smelter.
    noshit: i wish. she wants to play it straight, though. BUZZKILL!
    beast: WE ARE OMG OMG OMG!!! my daughter is a damn tweaker Virgo. I am a steady and stalwart Taurus! when the bull is cooking you do not interpose your naked virginal opinions! no! THE BULL MUST COOK! and Virgos must take care of the bullshit!
    danator: could you just scream? GAAAAAH. kitchen backseat drivers!!!!! this new years we are watching the goonybird and turning in early. EXCITEMENT! THRILLS! ACTION! SUSPENSE! not here, bucko.


  14. You say aloooominum, and I say aluminium

  15. Hey, quit badmouthing us Virgos. Being detail-oriented is useful in certain situations. Ask Mrs. Nator! ;o)

  16. pfF: every good wedding begins and ends with good ordnance. and thank you!
    SSA: it is too. don't lie. after the clerk at the bridal boutique saw the AK she got real cooperative, didn't she? let it shine, sweetheart! (jett was absolutely stupefied on cholesterol)
    muttley: thats almond roca, fool. wipe off your goggles, geeze.
    tick: happy hanukkah, tick! mainly what we say lately is 'can you change 100$ bill daaaaaahling?'
    danator: well....well fine. you gotta understand, though; i'm surrounded by picky, tweaker virgos! and it's annoying! at least real bulls get a matador to gore and my ring they're all picadors!

  17. Anonymous5:00 PM

    oh and also are you were doing when I bugged you in the kitchen was swishing about a pound of butter about in a pan to make it all melty. COME ON NOW IT DOESN'T TAKE THAT MUCH CONCENTRATION! And all I did was remark at the astounding amount of butter there indeed was.

  18. Anonymous10:05 PM

    I couldn't get past the almond roca.

    I mean, why in the HECK you had to tease me like that!?!!

    I love that stuff...even iffin it plays sticky with my teeth!

    All I got was a wedding and a dog...the almond roca played with my brain...can't think straight.

    Off to go feed of a little debbie cake as that is all that's around here.

  19. Anonymous12:08 AM

    F N I am also a calm taurus.... virgo's should be seen and not heard in the Beasts estimation....give em a bit of paper and a pen and tell them to start making lists for next christmas (virgos love a good list).
    I remeber when the excorcist first opened to all the fuss , after seeing it I thought, blatantly the woman is not possessed by the devil she is just a virgo . They are always like that!
    Anyway , I demand to be page boy at the wedding....I want to wear a kilt...

  20. I have to say that does sound like a lot of butter.

    Buy a lilac hat and matching stuff - I think that's what mother's do at weddings. Alternatively just turn up and enjoy the party - sounds like she has it all under control already - also, if you're asked to cook anything, probably less butter by the sounds of things :)

    Nifty stuff aluminium - good luck to YB.

  21. aquarians can't cook btw - god bless M&S foodhall and the microwave.

  22. Congratulations on the Christmas loot, the Stainless Steel Amazon's upcoming wedding, AND the Yummy Biker's new job!


  23. Anonymous10:12 AM

    Are you sure your not Mr Beast's Mother, the likeness between your daughter's gun and mon sewer Beast's gun is amazing!

    Sounds like a fun Christmas, hehe

  24. Anonymous4:05 PM

    I got myself a new notebook computer for Chrimbo (it has seasonal flashing lights).

    The loved ones got tokens. Not tokens you can buy stuff with. They were proper cheapo tokens that Woolworths would turn their nose up at it.

    I think they were pleased.

  25. No misadventures? Do you want me to come next year? I can usually stir up a mishap or two.

  26. Anonymous9:51 PM

    Hey FN, how come you leave comments anonymously at my place?? I'm confused....

  27. ssa: that butter was BLAZING HOT! dangerous butter! danger will robinson! danger!
    awaiting: little debbie will be pleased. muahahahaha
    beast: oh yes. freaking and peeing and posessed by that thing on the front of a rolls royce? certain virgo. and yes, you can wear a kilt. a clean one this time.
    ziggi: well, as it turns out it was a lot of butter, but you say that like it's a bad thing.
    christine! thank you! i hope you had a great christmas!
    NFA: people keep suggesting a blood relationship between us. id like to quell these rumors here and now. but i forgot what we were talking about. so there.
    garfer: i perfectly understand that. you had to economise in order to buy a present for the person who REALLY matters.
    mist1: thats ok. i'm still recovering from the first 23 years of misadventure. you can bring cookies instead.
    pam: because i just wrote that huge filthy thing about ladies pocketbooks and i didn't want anyone there to link back on my avatar and see it.

  28. Anonymous10:44 AM

    Oooooh, you're so sweet.

  29. Nobody gets drunk? For real?
    Happy Holidays darling.

  30. I like that picture of the bride. Refreshing to see a real body type insted of supermodels and at least something close to average. I don't even seem average weight on models.
    People that size I like to draw and "before" pictures.

  31. Anonymous1:29 PM

    wowsers! SSA getting hitched, YB with bitchin new job, all good food, good family, and good times. i'm so glad you had a wonderful christmas! xxx

    (and tell the SSA to send some o' that wedding karma this way!)

  32. Anonymous2:55 PM

    We could meet up in Yorkshire and butter the puddings? Does this make anykind of sense?