Wednesday, January 03, 2007

if its the new year why does everything look the same as it did last year?

We are presently enjoying the practice of wanton, crass consumerism..The green wealth which drips from the purple flews of corporate aluminum has changed our lives in important ways...
1. we can afford to drive
2. we can afford to buy NEW books
3. we can afford to eat food that OTHER PEOPLE HAVE COOKED.
and we have been doing all three. Yes we have.
Sometimes, it's good to be a citizen in a First World country.
I am still wrestling with the fact that my husband works in the bowels of The Death Star, though. Of course he isn't going to be making this kind of ridiculous money or getting this mountain of benefits for weaving straw hats on the beach either. But I wish he was. He looks cute in shorts. Back off.
All they have him doing so far is wandering around the entire plant working in various different details, all the while wearing an astronaut costume. Sometimes he's pushing a broom, sometimes he's welding, sometimes he's operating a crane. And sometimes he's on the 'live potential' section and eighty billion gazillion megavolts of electricity are shooting through him... one misstep and he's barbecue, and I'm a widow. Don't even get me started on the ore potline or the extruder or the overhead molten transport.
Think about this the next time you crack a can of pop.
The only job out there that I'd want out there is called 'burping the pots'. The 'live' pots are covered with a mixture of crud which floats on top of the molten aluminum and keeps the fumes from making everyone for ten miles around into an instant Altzheimer statistic. To keep the pot from developing too much gas pressure and blurping over like that lake in Africa, occasionally someone has to go around with a green alder pole and bop little holes in the surface of the crud.
I would so do that. And make union scale for it? Oh my goodness yes. Dicking with fire is what I'm all about. I am one of those people you go camping with who volunteers to mind the fire and stays up all night melting beer cups and making pitch bombs and rolling the logs around so sparks fountain up and catch the lower limbs of the trees on fire and melt little holes in your tent. One Fourth of July out at Cherry Point I was told quite sternly to go to bed after I got busted lurking around different campsites scavenging fireworks. Yes I was 35.


  1. Anonymous11:50 AM

    Hurrah for eating out(ina restaurant kind of eating out - not the oral sex kind.....altho hurrah for that as well).
    I am totally with you on the fire thing , give the Beast something alight and a stick to poke it and I am as happy as larry !!!

  2. Eating other people's food. Hurrah!

  3. Anonymous1:38 PM

    Crisp packets shrink in a fire which is good. Especially hurrah for new books, sniff that new booky goodness, yummers.

  4. Yum on the restaurants. And yay for more income!

    Stay safe, and I too would enjoy "burping the pots"...right up my alley

  5. Anonymous8:00 PM

    Ohmygosh, I shall never introduce you to my son! I think you are soul mates in that whacked-out-I-wanna-set-things-on-fire way. You know what I mean!

  6. Anonymous8:34 PM

    I saw let's get together and go camping...with a large group of people and just have fun!

    *rubs hands in glee*

  7. You mean other people have to cook for themselves? I want to help. Where should I send the money?

  8. Happy New Year FN!! May the fruits of wanton crass consumerism continue unabated throughout the rest of the year!

    PS. I'd quite like to burb the pots too. Or weld. I like welding.

  9. The Husband has that pyrotechnic thing too; he'd be a happy camper like you.

  10. Heavens, I hope the YB stays safe. On my way to work today, I saw a guy guiding what looked to be crushingly heavy concrete chunks that were attached to a crane into a waste container. While he was standing INSIDE the waste container. I thought to myself "I hope you have good insurance, buddy. No way in Hell you'd catch me doing something like that."

    If everyone were like me, we'd probably all be living in mud huts, whinging at each other. And weaving straw hats on the beach.

    Playing with fire is good fun, as long as you don't destroy anything important. When I was a kid, The Burning of The Trash was a fun family project, including predicting what debris would melt, explode, send out toxic fumes or turn the flames pretty colours. All this in a fireplace my stepfather finished when he was drunk, so it had all kinds of odds n' ends like beer cans, light bulbs and door knobs chunked into the mortar between the stones. I miss that fireplace...

    Wouldn't it be something if we could get the whole bloggy gang camping? Actually, the thought of what we'd get up to makes me afraid... very afraid...

  11. beast: who is larry? why is larry happy? does larry like to set shit on fire too? good for larry! what a wacky guy.
    billy: the only thing better is free protien!
    realdoc: uh huh, you know, dontcha. and yeah, new book aroma ought to be a perfume. attact members of the opposite sex who can read!
    christine: just hooray for poking things with a stick, you know? the world can't be too bad a place when you can make union scale for doing that.
    pamela: and now you know why your son was made a member of the FlattButt nation without even having to go through the secret initiation process. Burning Buffalo Chaos HOO HA HA!
    awaiting: God what a great Idea!!!!you MUST bring the nekkid 69 shotglasses. im sure theres a lot of brits here who need to be introduced to Mississippi checkers!
    hendrix: thank you. are you just not blogging lately or is my link to you bunged up?
    ara: we could make plastic beer ring sculptures and freezer bombs!
    danator: dang, that sounds like a cool fireplace. i ran into one when i had my business that had black fossil leaves in the stonework...also horseshoes, old bottles and hand forged iron implements, all stuff that the guy had found on his property. ultra groovy on a red bicycle. and yes, family pyromania - it's a good thing!

  12. Yeah, I have very little in common with Beavis and Butthead overall, but there is that one thing: huh huh, fire is cool.

    Sometimes I open our woodstove door and just watch the fire for awhile. Definitely better than what passes for TV around here.

  13. Anonymous3:56 PM

    I think we're building Jaguars from your aluminium (sorry, aluminum).

    We used to make our own (aluminum), but we all became infertile and grew three heads.

    I love globalisation.

  14. Anonymous12:13 AM

    Burping the pots sounds sooo cool , the YB has got THE BEST boy job , it could only be made better if there was an element of mindlessly breaking things with a sledgehammer.....I am just so jealous.
    Da nator.....he he he , a bloggers summer that would be great.

  15. Anonymous2:17 AM

    God, these people who play around with camp fires, god they annoy me. You gotta let the fire alone ok, let it burn things itself. Oh ok kids, you can play with it if you have to, but make sure it's still going in the morning for me to boil my kettle, right.

  16. No link is fine. Been snowed under with Christmassy things and New Year cleaning...

  17. yeap yeap yeap

    Happy same year !

  18. can i come camping?

  19. alala: i've done that. the little window thingie? come on. i could watch fire on tv if i wanted to. if you have a live fire then it MUST BE DICKED WITH!
    garfer: when are they going to make my jaguar? ive been waiting a while here. get on the ball.
    beast: its butch as fuck, his job. operating jackhammers, welding, making oneself part of a gazillion volt circuit, molten metal, hell yeah. testosterone central. you do it and send me the paychecks, ok???
    tom: you're just grumpy because someone took all the good firepoking sticks before you got one. if you're nice i'll reveal the FlatButt Nation secret for making freezer bombs!
    hendrix: actually my link is screwed, your link under your name there in comments is the up to date one and works fine. stupid blogger!!!
    thaitv: welcome! and a hearty hi ho yeap-yeap back atcha!
    surly: yes you can. you can bring the gasoline and tampons, arabella can bring the joy dishwashing liquid, beast can scout for targets, and awaiting and I will make plenty of empty bottles (oh HELL yes.) Everyone can sit around the campfire hucking shit into it as we craft our own molotov cocktails! tell ya what, if girl scouts had been like that i would have been the general!

  20. Does your wife type on the blog?

  21. Anonymous5:26 AM

    I just got this in an email from the Pirate today:

    "Today I finally got some proper work to do, it's a bit better than having loads and only slightly better than being bored but infinitely better than the Health, Safety, Envionment and Fire 2-day classroom I just endured. Fire is only cool when you get to play with it. When it's taught it's very dull."

    It reminded me of this post. I think you two would get along swimmingly.

    (Gawd, I am INCAPABLE of discussing anything without mentioning the Pirate. Sorry for being so isufferable.)