Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The DaVinci Code: Fiction or Documentary?

Anyone who has read 'The DaVinci Code' knows that religious art is teeming with secret symbols and messages only meant to be interpreted by the initiate. In fact, these truths were consciously withheld from the greater part of mankind by a jealous Papacy and the universal, unswerving complicity of Catholicisms' innumerable adherents.

As a small child I was initiated into the basic secrets of the Roman Church. Ritually married to the Godhead in my sixth year, each new year built new levels of esoteric knowledge onto that primary foundation, each stage of indoctrination capped off by rituals and oaths administered by black clad virginal acolytes of the inner circle.

By the time I had reached adulthood I was privy, as each Catholic is, to all the occult knowledge. All the hidden agendas. I was ready to go forth and fulfill my role in the Popes great army of world domination.
My orders: Seize control.
My rank: Uterus with legs.

It is only after years of sorrow and indecision that I have come to the conclusion that to continue to hide these secret teachings from the rest of mankind is to do my fellow man a grave disservice.

Let me begin with the revelation of a despicable incident known as The Suppression of J. M. Barrie:

...'We simply do not see the blessed mother battling pirates' says Rome.

The first version of 'Peter Pan' was banned by Pope Pius X.

A surveillance device familiar in all Catholic homes, placed there to ensure silence and to report all lapses of faith to the nearest Parish authority:
The Icon.
"The saints are very, very disappointed in you.
The saints are ALWAYS very, very
disappointed in you."

The tentacles of the Pope remain a strong yet invisible presence in modern popular culture. Here is the proposed cover art for 'Hallelujia Kid Hitz volume 14' featuring Sir Mix A Lot:

"...I like big butts but I can't deny...that horse is gonna smush that guy!"
Oh yes. The Church is 'Down' with the 'Street'.

The true message of many paintings has long been a subject of debate among scholars. Know them now.

The flying babies failed to arouse St. John's enthusiasm at the prospect of being martyred in boiling oil.

You cannot escape the possibility of uninvited company when you have a glowing baby.

If Mary had owned one of those really big bug zappers history would be different.

Not even matters of the most basic household management or personal life were exempt from the mandates of the Church:

"...Yes I know you're the King of the Beasts and I know you have wings but as long as you live in this house you'll crap in that box."

When the hallucinations get shitty about your spelling it's time to go to bed.

Things you leave outside during a tornado will get blown away.
Know where your grandpa is.

Before you demand that miracle, balance how much you really miss the deceased with 1. how dead he is, and 2. how comprehensively freaked out you'll be when he comes back to life in the middle of August.

In some instances, a spray-on repellent like DEET simply isn't enough to keep away flying babyheads. Sometimes you need a steel-tipped flail and a grenade.


  1. You still take drugs, don't you FN?

  2. Fucking brilliant. Although the "When the hallucinations get shitty about your spelling it's time to go to bed." picture looks more like the flying guy is trying to copy his homework.

  3. w2: every chance i get, w2. every chance i get.
    billy: hey, i'm the former catholic here. that's what i means.

  4. The saints are very disappointed in me.

    Oh god.

    I'm off to do some Good Deeds.

    And stop Taking The Lord's Name In Vain.

  5. Fantastic.

    Good thing those flying babies are extinct. I don't know if i could stand to watch them get hit by trucks on the parkway.


  6. Thank you for the enlightenment.

    Where does it say you have to bugger the choir boys?

  7. This is the most brilliant post I've seen in ...well, let's just say it...forEVER.

    Genius. I bow to you.

  8. Anonymous1:48 PM

    We still have a flock of flying babies here - also I think that in my illustrious career as a pirate I stole all those old paintings. Did the papists ever consider cartoons or DVDs or such?

  9. willy pics and arse shots on my blog!!

    I only looked at your pics - will read tmrw when straight

  10. Frobi's never going to be straight.

  11. Another winner of a post from FN brilliant, disparaging remarks about cherubs, just brilliant.

  12. Anonymous4:58 PM

    tick - has he been hanging out with you again?

    fn - you kill me. too funny. my fave is - i like big butts and i cannot lie. that horse is gonna smush that guy.

    i love flying babies. well, when they're not getting me sick that is.

  13. Frobi and I are hoping to 'hang out' when we walk to Downing St naked.

  14. Anonymous5:50 PM

    i just scratched my eyes out at the mental image of tickers hanging out. i'll be back after an extended stay at a mental institution.

  15. Nothing wrong with airing our differences.

  16. oh you do make me larf! i have shocking trouble with flying baby heads down under (in oz i mean, not in me knickers...)

  17. My comment dissapeared......
    Did you delete me FN
    How rude.
    I am scared of the flying baby heads.
    I am more scared of them than I am of clowns
    they were flying clown baby heads

  18. bwhahahahahaha, can I share this with others? Can I? Plueeeeeeeeease?


  19. It's art, but not as we know it.

    Your post, that is.


  20. spin: yes, i think that's wise. although you know i think you haven't been bad enough by half.
    claire: man, that's just sick. that's why it cracked me up, i guess.(oh dude, you must have gone through bakersfield, man! your windshield is trashed!)
    tick: you're just stuck on the 'icky potty' setting lately aren't you.
    andraste: thank you! i felt it was time to set the record straight about catholicism.
    muttley: you keep up with the absinthe breakfasts, there'll be lots of flying babyheads in your future.
    frobi: don't hurt yourself or anything ratso. hell; it might work better stoned.
    tick: lalalalala, woooooo woo woo, lalala....
    realdoc: someone had to point out the obvious drawbacks in the whole concept of airbourne, diaperless infants.
    pink: true fact: my daughter worked at tacotime with mix's partner, and be damned if her ass doesn't look just like that.
    tick: ooo eee ooo, lalaaaaaa...
    pink: is it working? because i take 60mg of prozac every day and it still won't make the bad, bad picture go away...
    tick: would you please PUT THAT THING AWAY?????
    pod: are they like lice? damn; everything is all different in oz.
    beast: no, blogger is up to its old shizizzle again. and never mention flying clownbabyheads again. my rx dosage is already overmatched.
    amy: go ahead! *hopes its with the vatican*
    100: thank you!

  21. I'm sorry, could you speak up a little? I can't hear you over the sound of GENIUS!!!!

  22. Anonymous10:52 AM

    fn: no amount of bleach, insect repellant, drugs, or therapy can take away the image burned into my brain of tick streaking. i am scarred and scared for life.

  23. I wonder what the laws are regarding reprinting art. You really need to make a book of these art posts.

  24. brilliant - you're too good for us (backs away in complete awe)

  25. hendrix1:40 PM

    "When the hallucinations get shitty about your spelling it's time to go to bed"... yeah that's why I haven't posted for a while.

    To repeat what's already been written. Genius FN Genius. But then, we expect nothing less from you.

  26. Applause.
    On telly last night, a lady participant in the ballroom dancing competition was waving one of those sticks with a scarf on the end of it. She did the splits as well. I'd like to see either cherubim or seraphim top that.
    Anyway, more applause!

  27. I love art....not a buff, but I appreciate the beauty and complexity of it.

    That being said, you should've been my fine arts instructor! I am sooo going to steal this art interp idea one day!!!

    Can I stop laughing now, I think I'd peed myself!

  28. I wish I'd been brought up a Catholic. I'd have an excuse to be as big a fruitcake as FN. But without the delirious brilliance, of course.


  29. Pink imagine Tic streaking surrounded by flying baby heads (thats not a euphemism for his bits)....not that would be scary

  30. i am so enrolling in this art class.

    will send you a bunch of pictures. will appreciate the insight.

  31. and btw, overall, what's the significance of flying babies again?

  32. Raise Roman Catholic I am thrilled and panicked you have shared so much here FN...but I feel confident laying the future of the church in your hands.
    The last image raises an old question for me: are the flying baby heads some kind of demoted half-angel? Why do some of them have whole bodies? Where the head-babies naughty babies?
    You made me laugh very hard with this one FN. There is nothing like you and art history.

  33. everyone: RE FLYING BABY HEADS
    now, this is what i remember hearing as child; not verifiable fact. but...supposedly the flying baby heads are supposed to represent the infants killed by herod, and because they lost their lives for the sake of jesus they got promoted to the rank of angel.

  34. fuckin' 'ell. even i didn't get shovelled that shite, and i spent 13 years in catholic schools!

  35. So busy have I been exploiting broadband for its righteous purpose of looking at pictures of naked women, I have neglected to come here for spiritual enlightenment. I am always so glad that I'm not a slave of Rome. On the other hand, having been taken to a country church as a good Anglican on a weekly basis, I've no idea what I'm supposed to believe in.

    I love religious art, all that suffering, no joy.

    Is there any point in me adding to the chorus of the faithful that are hailing your genius?

  36. Again, thankyou thankyou. Dead on.

  37. omg... not only are you an amazing art historian but a former catholic one at that... were you that art historian nun that used to be all the rage?

  38. I'm not buyin that shit about the baby-head-angels...there is no good reason for that except DRUGS!!!

  39. A Bloody funny post, you can be my wingman anytime.

  40. Thanks for that.

    I always watch out for the flying baby heads.

    They plated support for the Who in '73. Keith Moon battered them.

  41. yes they are like lice, but when you pick them off and look a them under the magnifying glass they have little tiny cherub-like baby heads...all ruddy cheeked and cheerful looking. they even continue to smile when you pull their legs off. how much more irritating could the get?

  42. HA! You pretend this is original, when it is obviously merely plagiarized from the Baltimore Catechism.

  43. Laugh out loud fun with one eye open for a swift act of retribution courtesy of my indoctrinational guilt gland.

    Glowing baby, bug zappers, and Grandpa getting sucked away ah I loved all of them...I love those melodramatic paintings from antiquity...paid for by the church as a early version of YouTube to sway the masses as to the grandeur and glory of the Church...stay in line you little bastards or we'll burn your house down and torture your ass back tothe stone age...when I was a kid I always wanted to go back in time, travel through history, NOW forget it!

    I would last about one second before some papal 'bull' delivered me to the executioner's lair...ah yes love thy neighbour.