This morning I was sitting in my favorite chair, watching my shows, stitching away, when my glasses fell off.
Ok, fine; this happens all the time.
Upon finding them I realized that the earpiece had cracked off the frame.
So I fixed them:
Note the innovative use of sandwich bread, and the attitude correction which a hair elastic provides while the superglue hardens.
The moral of this story is a long one, but read it anyway. Or did you have something else to do? So:
When you purchase glasses, bear in mind that the reason you need glasses is that you have POOR VISION. Hence the glasses themselves should be massy and/or colorful enough that finding them is at least a remote possibility when you are not wearing them. Do not be lured by the promise of light weight and unobtrusive design.
Also bear in mind that, having purchased the wrong frames (i.e. weighing no more than a cotton ball, cobweb thin, partially held together-and I shit thee not-with heavyweight nylon FISHING LINE) a safe resting place for them is probably not on the deceptively convenient shelf your boobs provide when you are sitting down. Because the phone will ring, and you will forget they are there, and you may hear them clatter faintly to the floor. Where they will lay. Invisible. Completely, utterly and tragically invisible.
And in the process of searching for them you might step on them and crush them flat.
Really, really flat.
Except for the piece that fell off.
Stuck in the sole of your slipper.
I hope we can all learn something from this. Besides the obvious 'I am a dipshit' implications.
Don't you think you'd look nattier in pince-nez, anyhow?
ReplyDeleteI applaud your fantastic method of glasses repair. And empathize with you on the blindness. Especially as my boyfriend has learned how funny it is to watch me search for my glasses blind and has stopped helping me in my quests. Asshole.
ReplyDeleteNow does the sandwhich bread remain a permanent fixture?
ReplyDeleteGod we've all been there. I bought frameless glasses a couple of weeks ago. Never wear them 'cos I can never find them.
ReplyDeleteoh, i hear you.
ReplyDeleteoccassionally i fall asleep with my glasses on, like an asshole, and wake up in the morning with no idea where they are.
and of course i can't find them, because i'm blind. usually they are somewhat flattened when i do find them.
stupid hateful glasses.
love the bread-strategy, btw. will keep it in mind.
Tragically, this PSA has come too late for me.
ReplyDeleteLast year I started wearing the 1X drugstore glasses. My husband thought I was nuts and made me go to an eye exam and have a doctor tell me they were not going to hurt my eyes, give me a brain tumor, etc (of course they are fine). On top of that he told me they were all the help my eyes needed -- but I need them a lot because I read, write, knit a lot. Then I realized that because they are something like $2 a shot I could buy a bundle of them and scatter them about my existance. There is a bit of a batty old aunt in this development. But I like it just the same.
ReplyDeleteHad you thought of contacts? Mind when they dissappear they stay that way!
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. My solution -sparkly cat-eye glasses on a pearl chain, for around the house.
ReplyDeleteThat is precisely what you get for giving me sooooooooooo much crap about my librarian specs. They may function as three dee raccoonish-eyeliner, but I'll be damned if I can't find them every time. THEY ARE GIRTHY FEAR THE GIRTHY SPECTACLES.
ReplyDeleteYAAAY We are all very excited about dinner Monday. Dom says you don't have to worry, he pretty much just likes food.
danator: i was thinking a monocle, like colonel klink.
ReplyDeletechristine: oh ha! is humor laugh the blindness mine of search! red death to humor laughings companion or flatmate have!
g: only a few crumbs. the rest i fed to my tato.
damn, but i bet you look fine in them, tick. i can visualize that!
claire: it was either that or try and find the fly fishing vise. blind.
mj: spraypaint them surveyors' orange!
mj: that's not a bad idea at all. i do the same thing, only with scissors. i hate not being able to find a scissors!
muttley: EWEWEW. EW, EWEWEWEWEW,
EWEWEW, GACK, BLEAURGHHH, EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEW. EW!
ara: sounds kind 50's porn to me. *seriously considers this look for self*
Listen to your daughter, FN. All us hipsters are wearing the chunky plastic ones now. Then we have the time on Schprockets vere ve dance...
ReplyDeleteah, well, i've been there. i have a friend who only has one earpiece anyway and ends up with a pair of glasses that look like a pince-nez, actually.
ReplyDeleteMy bestest friend wears glasses. I have tried to no avail to get him to purchase a new pair.
ReplyDeleteI mean, when you're walking around with only one arm to the glasses, its high time to make an appointment.
But its grown on me, it makes his glasses look like they are floating on his face.
Although I do believe I will tell him about the wonders of wheat bread and super glue.
I had those facny smancy frames that you could bend nad screw up and crap and they wouldnt break and would remember their original shape.........only I sat on them so often they ending up remembering the shape of my ass....so I flirted with contacts for years , but man hours of stabbing , prodding and swearing in front of the mirror every morning just proved too much hassle , so I had me eyes lazered.......I will post on that shortly.
ReplyDeleteOh and I HAVE MY BLOG BACK
subtle hint
SO GO AND COMMENT(not you FN your already there :-) )
!!!!!!
but the real question is, DID YOU MAKE THE BREAD???
ReplyDeleteMy father does the 4 million pairs of dime store reading glasses scattered about the house. somehow he still manages to wander about muttering "I know ther's a pair around here somewhere..."
Old-lady-chain-around-the-neck-glasses-holders. That's what we will all come to, in the end. They're practical.
ReplyDeleteI just had to go for my eye exam, and get new glasses, as my eyes were getting worse. I hate it when they do that little puff of air in your eyes. That's so gross. And then there's that test where they want to dilate your eyes, and look for Jimmy Hoffa or God knows what, and you end up not being able to focus your eyes for the next 6 hours, and get all woozy and barfy, and yet you can't aim for the toilet, because it's all a big blur. And contacts are gross, too. I can't watch contact commercials; it makes my eyes tear up to see someone sticking something right on their eyeballs. Have they not heard of glasses?
Now that I think about it, maybe I'll just go back to squinting a lot. I'll bet if I pucker my mouth, I'll look hot, really.
pink:how your friend deals with that is beyond me! i would so get a headache!
ReplyDeleteawaiting:either the two of you know the same person or theres a lot of people running around the south with one leg on their glasses.
beast: my yummy biker has those frames. the frames did fine; the plastic fuckin' lenses in them ended up looking like he'd taken a round of buckshot in the face after only wearing them for one week.
EVERYONE GO VISIT BEAST AND LEAVE POTTY COMMENTS
cb: no, dammit! speaking of bread, though, your beer bread recipe is now wending its way through the engineering geekigentsia of Bellingham and earning you many grateful thanks!
fatty: i done tried that about five years ago. i think the inventor of glasses on a rope had flatchested people in mind, though. the whole effort falls through if you're still able to look through the lenses without tilting your head down. yeah. and i agree-i cannot watch a contact lens commercial, brrrrrrr!
I came to glasses late and have never treated them with the reverence of one used to the idea since childhood. As a consequence mine are always smeary and slightly bent. I just got a heavyweight frame which I have to say is much better than my old pair which, I think were manufactured from gossamer and butterfly wings.
ReplyDeletefirst nations - doncha know that awaiting and i are like, sisters? haha. no seriously, we are best friends and hang out all the time.
ReplyDeletebut the dude is a little off kilter if you ask me.