I was just standing here putting together a dish of enchiladas when I was suddenly struck by the thought of just how good the lyrics to theme song of 'The Beverley Hillbillies' would sound if they were set to the tune of "Earache My Eye" by Cheech and Chong:
Come an' lissen to th' story uv a man called Jed..
DAH DU-DUH! DAH DU-DUH! DUNT-DUNT DUHHH!
...Jes a simple country turd, barely kep' his fambly fed!
DAH DU-DUH! DAH DU-DUH! DUNT-DUNT DUHHH!
"...He wuz up one day jest a shootin' at sum food-
DAH DU-DUH! DAH DU-DUH! DUNT-DUNT DUHHH!
...When up from the ground come a bubblin' crude!
DAH DU-DUH! DAH DU-DUH! DUNT-DUNT DUHHH!"
God help me, I do not know why I think of these things.
I cannot have been the first person to have throught of this, right? This has to come from, like, a radio goof tune, or a comedy routine or something, right?
________________________________________
Failing the Blood Test: a play in one act
Scene: 8:00 a.m. Tuesday morning
A lab in Lynden, predictably decorated with dried floral swags and pictures of Jesus. The waiting area is filled with woozy, hungry diabetics reading magazines. Nations is among the group.
Nations is called in and sits down in the phlebotomists' chair.
Nations: I'm a little nervous...the last nurse that tried to take my blood had a lot of difficulty finding a vein.
Nurse: Just relax.
*In pavlovian response to which Nations tightens up like a nuns butthole*
Nurse: *Dabbing at pit of nations elbow with her finger, a puzzled expression on her face* Yes, we've had a lot of complaints about her...huh. Make a fist and relax it a few times for me, would you?
*Nations feebly closes hand several times as puzzled dab-dabbing continues*
Nurse: Ok...um....
*Nations rigidifies into vibrating heap of terror*
Needle: poke
Nations: OW *Jerks, looks away*Nurse: .......whoops...uh-oh. Well, we missed it.
*Nations spasms involuntarily, kind of like PeeWee Herman being assfucked by Mike Tyson might spasm involuntarily*
Nurse: Oh, but look at those nice veins in your hand! Let's use tho-
Nations: OH NO NO NO NO, FUCK GODDAMMIT NO, NOT THE HAND. NO NO NO OH FUCK NO NOT THE HAND.
Murse: Ok, Ok. calm down. Ok.
Nations: *Hyperventilating* Wow. Listen, I'm sorry. I think I'm...
Nurse: Put your head down and breathe. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. Relax. You gotta relax.
*Nations draped over arm of chair feels the world becoming all whooshy and sparkly*
Nurse: ...And then once you feel better you can give me your hand. See those veins sticking up there on your hand? Those are great! Let me-
Nations: NO. *Snatches hand away, experiences horrific, incapacitating episode of pure terror and simultaneously experiences warm, wet moment of stress incontinence*
Nurse: *To receptionist* Um, get her husband. I think she's gonna...
Nations: I think I'm gonna pass out.
Biker: Hey.
Nations: I think I'm gonna- *Dry heaves*
*Nurse, receptionist and Biker dive for wastebasket*
Nations: Hyuurk! Hyuurk! Wow, nothing. Hyuurk! Buraaaaaap!
Biker: Yeah...you fasted. That's why they call it a fasting blood test.
Nations: Hyurk! Huuack! Hyuurk! Buraaap!
Nurse: Do you feel like you're going to faint?
Nations: Probably after I get done puking here.
Biker: .....I think you're done.
Nations: ....Yeah, I think you're right.
*Nations begins to ooze out of chair*
Biker: *Propping her sideways over arm of chair* Don't faint.
Nations: *hearing this at a great distance* I'll try not to.
Nurse: Are you gonna faint?
Nations: Yes.
Nurse: Don't faint.
Nations: Hmmm.
Biker: I'll be out in the waiting area.
Nurse: Just sit here until you think you can walk. Take all the time you need, hon. It's ok. We see this.
Nations: Wow. Um, I think I peed myself a little. Sorry-
Nurse: Can you walk?
Nations: I can't feel my legs so probably no.
Nurse:......Oh. Do you think you can walk yet?
Nations: Not until I can feel my legs.
Nurse: ....Oh. Well let me know when you can walk.
Nations: I think I'm ok now. *slowly rises from chair*
Receptionist: Have a nice day!
________________________________________________________
CONFIDENTIAL FOR AWAITING:
He knows you're single again.
He's already on a plane.
Here he comes, baby.
...Comin' ta GITCHA.
Oh No! Are you OK? That sounds horrid! Maybe they should play you some Puccini and they can sample the blood that will ooze out of your ears.
ReplyDeleteI KNOW just how you feel - bin there done that even felt woozey reading it! Did your lips go numb as well? Last time I had to go I insisted they let me lie down to have it done, that way you can stay semi conscious so can kick out if necessary!
ReplyDeleteSo, why don't they just let you lie down and pass out, so they can take the blood while you're in la-la land? Too easy? So they never got the blood, right? Geesh.
ReplyDeletemangonel: "St. Mark's Passion" has that effect on me...the mannered, soaring soprano yodelling....gaaaaaah!
ReplyDeleteoh hell yeah, I'm fine. it was totally a function of the low blood sugar. now that I'm diabetic i'm finding that i no longer have any 'leeway'.
ziggi: i've passed out once before and that's it, just-boom. on the floor. nothing AT ALL like this scene! you are very brave to lie down. i like to be able to escape!
kristy: that thought crossed my mind, actually. once i was safely in the Park Avenue, about six miles away.
Yes, I used to have to lie down every time. If you're polite but firm they will let you, and then you can pass out to your heart's content.
ReplyDeleteAre you diabetic, my dear?
It's only a flesh wound..
ReplyDeleteOi've 'ad worse!
I take it donating blood is not in the cards hmm?
Why can't they get them fellers from CSI to extract the forensic information from everyday items found in your home?
Loved the song.
Dave's not here!
ReplyDeleteWhy don't they dart you with a gun like wild gnus and stuff on TV? I was actually in Beverley Hillbillies for two episodes - it was wild they weren't actors at all.
ReplyDeleteWhens Wild Bill coming to Devon - Isa waiting!
ReplyDeletedon't start awaiting on her love for ole bill. please. i'm begging you. don't do it.
ReplyDeleteyou know you're odd right? we love you anyway. *makes sure the number for the psych ward is on speed-dial*
nobody gets near me with a needle or any type of sharp instrument. period. i don't even want to talk about shots.
Hey, FN...don't faint yet!
ReplyDeleteFirst let me faint with you! After seeing my Billyboy with his handgestures of LOVE to me, I am a near goner!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
There I was reading my ass off and what a yummy goody at the end!!!!
*can't think straight. must go search for more pics of my future hubby*
oh.. oh god.. *HURP-*
ReplyDeleteChanging the subject -were The Krankies ever big in the US?
ReplyDeleteI've never heard that Cheech and Chong song...
ReplyDeleteOh, dear. They will need to test your blood sometime, won't they? Maybe you can train yourself to be okay with it. Like, stare at needles while eating chocolate, or receiving oral sex. Why don't you ask the biker?
I've personally always been kind of a freak about getting blood drawn. Ever since I've been a child, I've found it fascinating, and watch with interest as they poke me. Not that I'd want to have to do it regularly, but I think this will make it a bit easier as I start to give animals shots, &c.
Wish I could lend you some of my anti-squeamishness!
I would have picked you up, but I fainted a little with you. And I am sure the song thing is your own original thought, so do take credit.
ReplyDeleteSo you never did get your little glass of juice and a special no- sugar cookie?
ReplyDeleteThey could at least provide a fainting couch...tut...service these days...
w2: i may have to start doing just that if this keeps up. and yeah, i was just diagnosed as type 2.
ReplyDeletehomoE: well, not anymore, i guess.
mj: dude, it's me! it's me! answer the door! i'm not really dave!
muttley:that would be the ideal scenario! im walking along and suddenly fwaap! i've got a feathered dart in my ass. right next to all the others.
pink: wait. awaiting lusts after the former First Cockhound, but i'm strange? shit, i need a cigar.
awaiting: right before he left he asked me to tell you to be waiting for him in the kitchen wearing your 'special' oven mitts. he'll bring the Frymax.
claire: yeah. no doubt.
muttley: don't know who wild bill is, you weren't in the Beverly Hillbillies and... the Whaties? nevah hoiduvvem. sounds kind of ....menopausal.
dantor: i bet you'd recognize it if you heard it, though. came out about 1973./ I never used to be this squeamish! that's the thing! having blood drawn wasn't my favorite thing to to in the world but i could sit through it and chat with the lab monkey. the only other time i fainted i was 13 and the broad dropped the uncapped needle on the floor, blew on it, wiped it on her dress and then STUCK IT IN MY ARM. yeah, that was great. this is a catch 22 situation...i have to fast before i do the draw, but if i fast i act a fool and start barfing and peeing. yeesh!
g: one of the functions of this blog is to try and garner eggowaffle!support for the idea poopy that i am not actually that abnormal! boogersboogersISN'T THAT OBVIOUS BY NOW?
Didn't read the last part after Mike and Peewee. I started dry heaving and passed out.
ReplyDeleteThe Prozac, the blood test.... Oh my God, you're... you're... ME!
ReplyDeleteI have to go for my fasting blood test next week. Supposedly.
ooh, i can relate. for years i tried to donate blood (rare type, B Neg), but 5 times out of 6 it got all botched. no one can ever find my fucking veins. i've actually had nurses tell me i've broken their get-it-on-the-first-try perfect records. finally the RC actually told me "don't bother coming back. you're more trouble than you're worth." cheers, guys.
ReplyDelete